my own deadline has arrived... and...

[Danie14]

So today my son is 18 years old. We had his bday party this weekend. It was great. We all had a great time….and I have this hole in my soul that I ignore and pretend doesn’t exist. It’s been this way for such a long time. I wonder if I know how to feel whole anymore? I feel so numb. Lol if non-feeling is an actual feeling.

Now comes time for me to step up to the plate and do what I’ve said I would do. It’s the way it needs to be. And I’m scared. Yes. Expected, I suppose.

Sometimes I wonder if its not that I’m numb and feel nothing but that I’m overwhelmed and feel too much?

Memories…when I was pregnant with our son my H was mad at me for getting pregnant and for not having an abortion. His words where “You didn’t give me a choice” and for years and years afterward he would tell me that he never wanted our son…until I told him point blank that I never wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth again.

When I was 6 month’s pregnant he was having a drinking party at our house (one of many) and I had to go to work at 7am the next day…about midnight or so I went down to tell them all to be quite and he…was drunk…and he dragged me up the stairs, I was on my butt…but still…

What is wrong with me? Why was that ok for me? Oh, no it was NEVER ok…but why…wow…why…did I stay? Right now looking back and looking ahead…it all seems so wasted. 

[Maternus]

Hi Daniel,

I just read your first posts on this board from March 2014. You are living in hell for so many years and you decided to stay for your children. You are an awesome person. I take my hat off to you. You deserve to have a better live. It's your time to do something for you.

[LimboFL]

Danie14,

You have been on a horrible journey and you will find a lot of support here. I can't imagine having my partner tell me that. How alone you must have felt. But certainly do not expend any time on wondering why you stayed. We all hung in there, we all experienced things that we never hope to again. We all stayed for different reason but love and empathy, along with blindness all kept us in our relationships for much longer than we should have stayed.

Looking back never does any good, although you will do plenty of it and we will be here to support you. The true joy is that you bore a beautiful boy who just turned 18. That is the silver lining and should be the only focus.

If step up to the plate means leaving your husband, then make sure to please come here for moral support as often as you can. You will feel again, but it is going to take a long time and work to find yourself again.

Stay strong and don't back down.

Hugs

[Clearmind]

Daniel I know why I stayed. Answers do come. It took a long while for me to realise and for my head to catch up with my heart.

It's very common for some folks to stay with abusers. For some it's because how they are treated is normalised. Meaning they were abused as kids/young adults and its very normal. For some they grew up in an alcoholic household where the child's needs are not met and they (me) go on to be attrtced to Borserlines because they adore and shower us (me) with a lot of attention. I felt needed and wanted by my ex. Felt I had been saved. Until it all went south and again blamed myself - after all I had been blamed my entire life by my father.

Some develop control issues for reasons above and others that makes them believe they can change another persons behaviour, save them from their own plight, even make them into something we think we need. I certainly felt like I needed to save my ex so he wouldn't leave me. I have my own abandonment issues. A person with self worth wouldnt stay  

Is it complex? Not really. I developed my relationship skills from my parents. My father was an alcoholic and my mother an enabler. She was abused physically and emotionally. I was also abused emotionally. I modellled my mother in relationship.  I numbed out as you described because I had many protective and coping mechanisms to stop me from feeling. Feeling as I came to learn hurt as a kid so I just didn't.

You'll find your reasons. We all will eventually. However for now you are asking an awesome question of yourself "why did I stay". Keep digging. When you think about him try as hard as you can to turn it back on you.

My reasons for staying had more to do with me than my ex.

All the best x