Intense feelings of loss and grief..

[Kasina]

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted in awhile and I was doing fine focusing on myself and reading lessons,it's been more than a month since I went NC with myexBPDbf after he broke up with me.

I was pretty much detached with the wounds that I suffered through my r/s with my BPD ex.

It was my brother's birthday yesterday and I planned a huge b'da surprise for him and I was a little nervous that how would he react cause things were not too good between us as we had a little fight over my BPD bf while I was in relationship with him and my brother was kind of pissed at me for being with him as he is also my best friend anyways ,so we weren't really talking to each other ... .

The surprise was a success he was surprised and was really happy that I planned it for him and the silent fight between us finally ended and things were really ok... .

While he was thanking for all of it,I could feel the happiness in his voice and the warm glow thinking me for making his day special.i felt a sudden bout if sadness and broke down in yo tears cause it idk for what reason reminded me of my ex that how I used to plan his b'da Roth do much love and effort but he never ever thanked me or appreciated me instead he would just spoil everything by initiating a fight or locking himself up in his room ... .

There were other small things too that i did for him on n off which always got completely ignored ... .I helped him with slot if stuff ... .his job ... .loan ... .studies but he never appetrcisted me for anything ... .I didn't wanted him to praise me all I wanted in return

Was a kind smile and a hint of happiness or gratefulness over his face just like I saw one over my brothers face ... .just a gesture of kindness ... .

It triggered something deep inside I couldn't stop crying afterwards.it took me hours to calm and I still am pretty much sad... .

I understood at that times when he was cold that it was his disorder and issues so I never took it persnoly but I couldn't help getting damaged by his behaviour .

It was unfair and I was being invalidated and hurt at a deeper level which I kept ignoring at that time blaming his illness .

Even in the end he just left me out in cold without any care or empathy he just left ... .he left me without giving a second thought to all of years they i have been with him and have been through... .

Why did it hurts me now this much?why can't I let it go now and let it be when I know it's no good to think about it!am I repressing my feelings of hurt?id that's why so sad and cried out in public?

And after so much has happened and the hurt,why do I still love him?

[Mutt]

Hi Kasina,

Even in the end he just left me out in cold without any care or empathy he just left ... .he left me without giving a second thought to all of years they i have been with him and have been through... .

I'm sorry to hear that.

You're a kind and thoughtful sister.

It's Ok you cried. It takes time to put this behind you.

Your brother's birthday was a lot of work and your brother showed empathy; he could put himself in your shoes and validated that.

You're ex showed you little empathy when he ignored you with his job, loan and studies.

Was it the display of empathy that was the trigger?

[Kasina]

Thank you mutt,

For your kind words,it really means a lot.

Yes,I guess it was the display of empathy that triggered the sadness and overwhelming emotions... .

My ex rarely showed any empathy towards me or he would never even understand or acknowledge the fact that how out of way I had to go to help him through his issues and problems .he was undiganosed,he displayed all the traits being BPD with strong narcissism.

Sometimes I wonder if he was NPD but its so strange that he was way to empathetic to every one around him but me ... .he showed absolutely zero empathy towards me as if I and my needs doesn't matter at all.

When oddly enough everyone 's else slightest inconvenient or trouble meant way too much for him and he was always ready to help ... .  

[GrowThroughIt]

Thank you mutt,

For your kind words,it really means a lot.

Yes,I guess it was the display of empathy that triggered the sadness and overwhelming emotions... .

My ex rarely showed any empathy towards me or he would never even understand or acknowledge the fact that how out of way I had to go to help him through his issues and problems .he was undiganosed,he displayed all the traits being BPD with strong narcissism.

Sometimes I wonder if he was NPD but its so strange that he was way to empathetic to every one around him but me ... .he showed absolutely zero empathy towards me as if I and my needs doesn't matter at all.

When oddly enough everyone 's else slightest inconvenient or trouble meant way too much for him and he was always ready to help ... .  

He could of helped so as to be seen to be helping.

Or maybe by being in an intimate relationship with you his child/parent relationship played out.

It's a strange paradox.

[GrowThroughIt]

Also, I hope you feel better soon and get past this!   

[Mutt]

You're welcome Kasina

When oddly enough everyone 's else slightest inconvenient or trouble meant way too much for him and he was always ready to help ... .  

Both Narcissist's and pwBPD mask their insecurities ( false self ) and project a grandiose image of themselves and a pwBPD will reveal the helpless, frightened child within under emotional stress - it may be his false self.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Kasina,

I am glad your brother's birthday was a success and you were able to mend your relationship. 

I am so sorry that you are hurting. 

Sometimes we do not realize how many painful memories we have repressed until we are triggered. For me it was working through my repressed memories with my pwBPD and then realizing that I was just scratching the surface. The painful memories from my pwBPD opened a flood gate of other painful memories from other people and times in life.  Experiencing the hurt can feel very overwhelming.

Although we rationally know the person we love has a disorder and the behaviors are a result of it, it does not make our feelings of invalidation any less hurtful.

It is not easy letting go of someone that you love. I think letting go and moving on are one of the hardest things we have to endure throughout our lifetime.