I think he's losing it...

[Michelle27]

As my uBPDh heads into therapy and we are doing a therapeutic separation in order for us both to heal, work on our own stuff and be less triggered by each other, I am seeing signs that worry me.  For most of the past 9 years I have been almost the only person to see my husband's dysregulations and rages.  My daughter from my first marriage was also a target but even that was mostly directed at me. 

But in the past few months, others have started to see it.  2 different friends of ours and the other day, our neighbor.  We've known our neighbor for years and both my H and I have spoken to her openly about the issues in our house but until she had to go with him to pick up some furniture, she had only heard him and I describe a dysregulation.  She told me yesterday about it and described the ride in his truck as the most uncomfortable ride she's ever been on.  She said she couldn't wait to get home.  To be fair, what she described wasn't directed at her but he was going off about other people. 

This makes me uncomfortable.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Is your h fighting therapy?  If you look at his behavior through a manipulation lens then he may be trying to get you to drop therapy (at which point the escalation will temporarily cease... .)

If it's simply more people are seeing the "real him" then that can't be all bad... .your support circle will understand what you've been going through.

[Michelle27]

His WORDS say that he wants therapy, but that he is terrified of what it might uncover.  Several close friends are telling me they are concerned he is doing it only in order to "keep" me as he knows how close to the edge I am about whether I want to stay in the marriage or not.  They think he is telling me what I want to hear (that he wants therapy) and jumping through the hoops only in order to keep me around. 

[Loosestrife]

Hi

For the first time ever you are maintaining boundaries and insisting on time apart. It may be that he is over spilling into other parts of his life as he no longer has you to focus his moods/rages on.  Although it is probably embarrassing for you as a couple, it will mean other people get to see his behaviours snd reinforce to him that he needs help.

Take care

L

[Michelle27]

Hi

For the first time ever you are maintaining boundaries and insisting on time apart. It may be that he is over spilling into other parts of his life as he no longer has you to focus his moods/rages on.  Although it is probably embarrassing for you as a couple, it will mean other people get to see his behaviours snd reinforce to him that he needs help.

Take care

L

Thank you.  This makes sense.  My worry wasn't so much embarrassment but if he is truly losing it, I worried I would get even worse behavior.  I hadn't thought of the idea that he just doesn't have me as his "target" or outlet for dysregulation.  Wow.