Helping him through it

[JMarie22]

Hi everyone, my name is Jamie and I have a boyfriend (let's call him Chris to hide his identity) who has BPD.

Before he was diagnosed with BPD, on the morning of March 11th, I received a troubling message from him, saying he was tired of fighting and that he was wanting to take his life. He was already writing a letter to his grandparent's. I previously lost two childhood friends to suicide, so I contacted his crisis hotline, and they took him to the local clinic where he spent a week receiving help and therapy.

Prior to this, he doesn't talk about his past, and I do not want to push him into talking about it.

After his stay, he met up with a psychiatrist, where they diagnosed him with BPD. I wasn't even aware of this disorder existing, and as someone who once majored in psychology, I started doing my "homework" to understand what he goes through on a daily basis.

Yesterday, he felt torn between wanting to break up with me or staying in the relationship. As such, I blamed myself for the decision, but he doesn't want to burden me with his BPD, and I understand that. He told me he needs to get himself mentally stable before we pursue the relationship any further. He was completely distraught thinking I was going to leave him because of how he acts, and I told him I would never, so he ended it before he got hurt (which never occurred).

So far, we're on friendly terms, and he tells me and tries to avoid talking to me during these episodes. He's receiving therapy, going to classes to manage it, and will be getting different meds to cope with his BPD. I don't want to leave him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi JMarie22, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this and I am sorry for the loss of your friends.    I understand how difficult and painful it is to be coping with suicidal behaviors from your person with BPD (pwBPD). 

It is great that you have been learning about BPD behaviors. As you mentioned, learning about the disorder helps you understand what your pwBPD goes through on a daily basis. Also, it helps us, the non-BPD partner, learn to not take certain behaviors personal.

I have heard the same exact thing from my bf about not wanting to burden me with the disorder. Many pwBPD have inner feelings of self-loathing/self-hatred. Perceived abandonment/reject makes a pwBPD feel as if they are "bad" or not a "good person."  Many times a pwBPD will push a person away before they feel they are going to be abandoned or rejected.

It may take awhile for your bf to become comfortable with therapy. New situations and learning to work on their emotions may be overwhelming for a pwBPD. As a result of overwhelming emotions, pwBPD engage in maladaptive coping mechanism, such as withdrawing or avoidance.

I understand that you do not want to leave him. There are many tools here that will help you improve your relationship with your bf.  The motto on the staying board is before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse. The lessons on the right will give you a primer in how to improve your relationship. Take a look.

Do you communicate with your bf daily?


Looking forward to reading your response.

[JMarie22]

Hi there, and thank you for responding to my post.

We communicate on a daily basis, but before we broke it off, we constantly called, skyped, messaged, etc... .

I don't want to seem clingy, so I'm giving him as much emotional space as possible. He said to me he wants to give the very best to me, and he can't do that right now with these episodes. He has his therapy tomorrow, and I will be visiting him for a week in June.

Some friends tell me to be wary because he may turn violent (I understand the risks, and I'm taking it). I just won't want have to take it to heart, because I know it isn't his fault.

God forbid anything like that happens... .

I told him yesterday it's mentally draining trying to help him through this, but I'll keep trying as long as he puts in the effort to control it.

[EaglesJuju]

We communicate on a daily basis, but before we broke it off, we constantly called, skyped, messaged, etc... .

It is good that you are still in contact on a daily basis.

I don't want to seem clingy, so I'm giving him as much emotional space as possible. He said to me he wants to give the very best to me, and he can't do that right now with these episodes.

This is a good idea. PwBPD are governed by their intense emotions and sometimes their emotions can seem overwhelming. From my experience, a little bit of space helps a pwBPD when they are feeling engulfed.

Some friends tell me to be wary because he may turn violent (I understand the risks, and I'm taking it). I just won't want have to take it to heart, because I know it isn't his fault.

God forbid anything like that happens... .

Has he ever been violent before?

I told him yesterday it's mentally draining trying to help him through this, but I'll keep trying as long as he puts in the effort to control it.

I understand how it can feel as if it is mentally draining to help him. Specifically, what is making you feel mentally drained?