Making a list

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My therapist asked me to list "all things about Mom that make you angry." This list has spiraled out of control and I'm getting angrier and angrier the more I add to it. (I will spare you all the content of the list) Does anyone know of a way to journal/explore the anger without making yourself that much more angry?

I've tried taking breaks from adding things and that works for a minute but when I come back and read what I've already written my blood boils. ... .and the worst part is my blood boils b/c I can't understand why I allow her behavior to make me crazy. Shouldn't I be able to not rise to the bait? I'm an adult... .shouldn't I act like one and be reasonable?

I think part of the problem is the things that make me angry are behaviors we would correct in a child which (once again) makes me the parent. I've been the parent since I was f-ing born and I can't do it anymore.

Any tips or tricks folks have picked up on dealing triggers in therapy? Any help would be appreciated.

[MKG1015]

My therapist asked me to list "all things about Mom that make you angry." This list has spiraled out of control and I'm getting angrier and angrier the more I add to it. (I will spare you all the content of the list) Does anyone know of a way to journal/explore the anger without making yourself that much more angry?

I've tried taking breaks from adding things and that works for a minute but when I come back and read what I've already written my blood boils. ... .and the worst part is my blood boils b/c I can't understand why I allow her behavior to make me crazy. Shouldn't I be able to not rise to the bait? I'm an adult... .shouldn't I act like one and be reasonable?

I think part of the problem is the things that make me angry are behaviors we would correct in a child which (once again) makes me the parent. I've been the parent since I was f-ing born and I can't do it anymore.

Any tips or tricks folks have picked up on dealing triggers in therapy? Any help would be appreciated.

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi MKG1015. Boy do I know about feeling angry. It serves a purpose, but it is a really uncomfortable feeling if it is sticking around too long.

IMO, There is nothing wrong with taking breaks or even stopping if you really do feel like you cannot handle what you are feeling, just be sure to let the T know that is what was happening to you while making the list. As uncomfortable/painful as this is, I think the T wants you to process what you are feeling. I think the only way to really get rid of all the internalized pent up emotion is to bring it forward, know the depths of your anger and then be able to deal with it in a healthy, honest way.

It really is OK to feel your feelings, even if they hurt a lot, or aren't too pretty, just as long as you know they are feelings and don't act out on them in a harmful way to yourself or others. Be kind to yourself.

[ShieldsUp12]

Just one more thing:

I'm an adult... .shouldn't I act like one and be reasonable?

Yes! And that is actually what you are in the process of doing. You are taking responsibility for yourself by getting help from the T, which is a very adult and reasonable thing to do.  

[Suzn]

IMO, There is nothing wrong with taking breaks or even stopping if you really do feel like you cannot handle what you are feeling

^^This. I agree with ShieldsUp. I had to take breaks and am still doing this. I told my T a few weeks ago that I needed a break, I didn't want to think about it for a while. She told me it's good to listen to that feeling too. I come back to it and work at little at a time though. I want to get through the anger, I don't want to be stuck there. 

[Linda Maria]

Hi MKG1015!  So sorry to hear what you're going through - I can totally relate.  When the nastiness and smear campaign launched by my uBPDsis about 18 months ago was at it's peak, I could barely function.  I was obsessed, couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't sleep etc.  I knew I was heading for a nervous breakdown if I didn't do something.  Things that helped me were agreeing with myself that I wasn't going to think about it for - say 4 days - if thoughts came in my mind I would immediately distract myself.  I put things in the diary - coffee with a friend, going to the cinema, just going out for a walk etc.  I planned some mini trips away, that we couldn't really afford at the time, but so we had positive things to look forward to - being away from home where I couldn't receive her nasty letters allowed me to switch off for a while.  Gradually I got more used to feeling normal again for longer periods, and it has got better.  I don't think I felt the same level of anger you have, more frustration and fear, and anxiety and depression - no doubt you have those too.  But I did come to a realisation that I wasn't going to have my life ruined over this and that was something I felt really strongly about.  I felt that the way I could turn this into some kind of positive would be never to be in a position of being pushed around like this by anybody ever again, to somehow rise above it and be the better person, and that if I could find the strength to go on and enjoy my life and be successful - then she wouldn't have won - she wouldn't have broken me. I wouldn't engage in tit for tat and start name calling back, I would just ignore it and keep things business like - as we had to sort out my Mum's estate - which was a complete nightmare.   Sounds a bit melodramatic but that's how I felt.  At first - when it really started -  I felt guilty - which was ridiculous, because although I knew all the stuff she was telling people was lies, it was still horrible to think anyone might believe it.  I was also NC as much as possible.  Once I allowed myself to go NC - and told myself I couldn't seriously be expected to communicate with this person any more - that really helped as well.  It's not easy I know, and I still have difficult times and days, especially when I have to deal with some mess she's made, and whoever is involved comes to me to sort it out, but I'm getting there slowly.  Good luck with it.