BPDw loves what I provide, but not me.

[Aurylian]

Having a bit of a rough spell accepting the r/s even though there is nothing really terrible going on.  I triggered a bit when I recently visited a nice college.  After I got back I told my wife that it would be fun to consider teaching there as a kind of partial early retirement.  My wife's response was something like "And give up your current salary?  No way."

I have been feeling this way for some time, but that kind of nailed it.  My wife loves the general security and safety I provide for her.  She loves the income, the functioning house, the working cars and the physical and emotional support that I provide.  She just doesn't really care about me.  A friend told me about a time recently when he told his wife that they needed to sell their house and move into a mobile home to cut their expenses and provide some flexibility.  She was very supportive because she cared more about him and his well being than her house and comfort, which she loved too.

Pretty hard to get excited about a relationship where the other person just wants your stuff, not really you.

I don't see any fix for that.  Am I wrong?  Is that just part of the equation?  Anything I can or should do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I know how hard it is living with a spouse with BPD, and many traits can go along with that. I try to sometimes ask myself though if some traits might not be "just" BPD traits, where my husband is concerned. I mean, I try not to see him only through that filter.

I read a book on women not long ago, and my husband read it too, and one of the major things it taught was that security is a major thing for women. I'm not BPD, but I have to admit, it's big for me too. My husband changed jobs where he had seniority, and he gave up lots of things, and I wasn't even allowed to weigh in, so its good that you at least listened to your wife. Maybe she's just afraid of change, not the money?

I often feel with my husband that while he's the income earner, it gives him total control, and he views me as his puppet to order around. He "takes" what I have to give, with little appreciation, all emotionally speaking. He likes to dominate, and have someone to deregulate on. It's hard, but I try to remind myself it's just part of the BPD issue... .

[lostandunsure]

I've felt this... . Especially when things are bad.

My wife has extreme separation anxiety, on top of that, when she's in a depressive state, she's incapable of doing even basic household tasks. When that's the case, I feel like I'm just a live in butler, there to cook, clean and on top of that, I provide the income.

It sucks when I feel that, and sometimes it's very, very strong.

I don't know about your wife, but if I suggested that I quit my job and do something with a lower income, it would trigger an extreme emotional response. She is already terrified of us having to "work at Walmart" instead of being able to retire, this has been a repeated theme in some of our discussions.

I try (with varying success) to remind myself that she has a difficult time processing her emotions and it's sometimes hard for her to express real love and connection.

So, she's both afraid of losing me and afraid of financial hardship, on top of that she is reliant on me, far more than would be in a normal relationship for what most would consider basic human needs. This creates an exhausting environment that it's hard to see things as equal or loving. It's very much like being in a codependent relationship, except we're trying very hard not to enable the behavior that causes problems.

Add to all that, her examples of "loving relationships" when she was growing up, were horrible. They involved her parents yelling a lot and saying "that's just how we show that we love each other", not the most healthy examples.

I live for her moments of clarity where she is regulated ("wise mined" as they say in DBT). Her love shines through. It's a reminder that it is always there, her love just has so many layers of these other extreme emotions on top of it that make it hard for her to express in an effective manner.

[Aurylian]

I read a book on women not long ago, and my husband read it too, and one of the major things it taught was that security is a major thing for women. I'm not BPD, but I have to admit, it's big for me too. My husband changed jobs where he had seniority, and he gave up lots of things, and I wasn't even allowed to weigh in, so its good that you at least listened to your wife. Maybe she's just afraid of change, not the money?

Yeah, this is a good point.  I know this is true in general.  Actually, I don't mind that part of it and have worked hard to provide security to my family.  The tough part is the combination with the splitting, where the money, prestige and comfort I provide is great, but when it comes to anything else I'm a dumb oaf not worthy of any respect.

I think I will try to separate the two thoughts into:

1: Most women want security and stability at least to some degree;

2: When my BPDw feels her security might be altered, the BPD in her starts manufacturing things to fight against the change.

[Aurylian]

I live for her moments of clarity where she is regulated ("wise mined" as they say in DBT). Her love shines through. It's a reminder that it is always there, her love just has so many layers of these other extreme emotions on top of it that make it hard for her to express in an effective manner.

That is great and it sounds like you are thankful for those moments.

My struggle right now is that I have not seen one of those moments for 11 years, so there isn't much to work with.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Aurylian,

I'm not on this Board often and hope you won't mind if I add my two cents concerning the need for security on the part of your BPDw.  In my experience, pwBPD do seek security, as you note, but their behavior is chaotic and turbulent -- qualities that are unlikely to lead to stability in a r/s.  In other words, they do things that are likely to achieve the exact opposite result from that which they seek to achieve.  They fear abandonment, but push you away hard.  They want love, but treat you like an adversary.  And they want security, but behave in ways designed to cause upheaval and turmoil.   It's a paradox, in my view, and is one of those BPD mysteries that can be difficult to fathom.

LuckyJim

[Ceruleanblue]

Aurylian: I think your two ways of looking at it are good. While most women want or seek security, and someone without BPD could rationalize, and deal with it better, your wife with BPD overreacts or dysregulates, and starts fighting against change, as you stated. I find that just knowing these things doesn't always help though. I mean we are still living with the negativity of it.

It would be nice if they just had an "aha!" moment, and it stuck. Heck, someone mentioned "moments of clarity", I don't even get those from BPDh. At least not in a long time. I'm back on the blame wagon, and it stinks. The more I won't accept unjust blame, the more he tries to pile it on.

And the duplicity is hard to live with too. BPDh acts like the most fun, affable guy out in public, and that certainly isn't the man I get at home. He'll connect and interact with others, while I get ignored, and if I do get acknowledged, it's to blame me. It gets super old.