Haunted by last messages

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Two weeks before ending the relationship by text message, I flew to where she lives to try to break it off amicably in person, which didn't work. She wouldn't let me go and I caved. So my only option left was to end it from afar 10 days after I returned home. I am haunted by my ex's last messages to me after I told her I was leaving the relationship. I ended it with one single text message in which I told her I couldn't go on, but that I would never forget her. I was firm but kind, at least I thought. She started out by saying she was shocked and confused professing deep sadness that I was leaving; in that moment she made promises and commitments that I never even asked for or expected and which were unrealistic such as that she would move from where she lives to be with me. She wrote that she'd change her Facebook status so that no one would approach her! (That in itself raised an additional red flag, but whatever). She told me she loved me, something she rarely said, and how no one had ever made her feel what I made her feel. Then an hour or so later when I didn't answer her, her mood turned sour, demanding a reply and an explanation: "Why does this always happen to me?". When I tried to end it 6 months ago, it was the same lament: "Why are guys always so in love with me at the start, but then suddenly turn off from me?"  Then she got really angry and claimed I had used her while still demanding an explanation and a reply. After that flurry of angry messages passed, two days of silence ensued and then there was a final Zen-like message in which she wished me well. And then nothing more. I never answered any of her messages. I feel like I had no other way to end it. It felt cruel at the time, but I don't feel like I had any other choice. I wanted out of the relationship, but every time I tried to do it gently, she charmed me back in. But I still feel guilty, like I owe her an explanation, but I'd just be repeating what I've told her several other times. But all those sweet things she said at the end and her need for an explanation haunts me 21 days later.

[Dunder]

Two weeks before ending the relationship by text message, I flew to where she lives to try to break it off amicably in person, which didn't work. She wouldn't let me go and I caved. So my only option left was to end it from afar 10 days after I returned home. I am haunted by my ex's last messages to me after I told her I was leaving the relationship. I ended it with one single text message in which I told her I couldn't go on, but that I would never forget her. I was firm but kind, at least I thought. She started out by saying she was shocked and confused professing deep sadness that I was leaving; in that moment she made promises and commitments that I never even asked for or expected and which were unrealistic such as that she would move from where she lives to be with me. She wrote that she'd change her Facebook status so that no one would approach her! (That in itself raised an additional red flag, but whatever). She told me she loved me, something she rarely said, and how no one had ever made her feel what I made her feel. Then an hour or so later when I didn't answer her, her mood turned sour, demanding a reply and an explanation: "Why does this always happen to me?". When I tried to end it 6 months ago, it was the same lament: "Why are guys always so in love with me at the start, but then suddenly turn off from me?"  Then she got really angry and claimed I had used her while still demanding an explanation and a reply. After that flurry of angry messages passed, two days of silence ensued and then there was a final Zen-like message in which she wished me well. And then nothing more. I never answered any of her messages. I feel like I had no other way to end it. It felt cruel at the time, but I don't feel like I had any other choice. I wanted out of the relationship, but every time I tried to do it gently, she charmed me back in. But I still feel guilty, like I owe her an explanation, but I'd just be repeating what I've told her several other times. But all those sweet things she said at the end and her need for an explanation haunts me 21 days later.

[Mutt]

Hi Dunder,



I'm sorry you had to go through that.

"Why does this always happen to me?". When I tried to end it 6 months ago, it was the same lament: "Why are guys always so in love with me at the start, but then suddenly turn off from me?"

She's telegraphing that she feels there's something wrong with her and she's unlovable.

You made a tough call.

[Dunder]

Hi Dunder,



I'm sorry you had to go through that.

"Why does this always happen to me?". When I tried to end it 6 months ago, it was the same lament: "Why are guys always so in love with me at the start, but then suddenly turn off from me?"

She's telegraphing that she feels there's something wrong with her and she's unlovable.

You made a tough call.

But then I remind myself of the hurtful things she did and it's like I was dealing with two different people. Unfortunately her last words to me were very compelling. Anger versus guilt

[Mutt]

Hi Dunder,

Devaluation hurts.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I agree it felt like I was dealing with two different people; Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde.

It felt like I was walking on eggshells and didn't want to trigger Mr Hyde.

[Dunder]

Hi Dunder,

Devaluation hurts.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I agree it felt like I was dealing with two different people; Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde.

It felt like I was walking on eggshells and didn't want to trigger Mr Hyde.

I need to remember that those last sentiments of her were expressed as part of a frantic effort to keep me in a relationship that both of us had acknowledged in our most rational moments as not going to work out for either of us.

[Loosestrife]

It was never going to end amicably because of the disorder. I get the same cycle of messages every time I recycle. At least you are sure in your mind of what you want and that is the kindest thing you can do for her. It sounds like you did the right thing for you. That's all you can do.

[Dunder]

It was never going to end amicably because of the disorder. I get the same cycle of messages every time I recycle. At least you are sure in your mind of what you want and that is the kindest thing you can do for her. It sounds like you did the right thing for you. That's all you can do.

Loosestrife, Thank you for this message, it reassures me that I did the right thing. I truly believed at the time that I had to end it in the manner in which I did and that ending the relationship had to happen regardless of the way in which it ended. I didn't intentionally hurt her, ultimately I was the only person that could save me from a damaging relationship. I guess technically that's selfish because I was only thinking of myself but no one else could have acted on my behalf.


Can you tell me more about the cycle of messages that you experienced when you ended your relationship.

[dagwoodbowser]

Hey Dunder. Even though I am into middle age, I'm still learning. For years on end I lived by an old school philosophy to take people at their Word. I would still consider myself a man of my word, but after many broken verbal promises in business and associates I learned to protect myself with well written contracts. After this experience with my BPDx, I've reevaluated my entire view on what people say. My X had a way with words. Things flowed out of her mouth that were like milk and honey and I fell for it every time. She's not that great in the written word, but when she can put together a few sentences it's same effect. I've learned that Anyone can say anything. It's so easy to do. However, walking the talk... .that's where the rubber meets the road. Words... .that's all they are sometimes.

I now pay attention to what someone Does, not what they Say. I'm not much of a betting man, but I'm sure if yours is close to my situation the Words never matched up with what they actually Did.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dunder, It might be worth considering whether you are under the influence of F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates you.  It sounds to me like you might be feeling guilty, afraid or like you "owe" her something.  If so, her manipulation could be working.  I should know, because I was manipulated by FOG many times in the course of a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  My only suggestion: don't fall for it!  LuckyJim

[Loosestrife]

It was never going to end amicably because of the disorder. I get the same cycle of messages every time I recycle. At least you are sure in your mind of what you want and that is the kindest thing you can do for her. It sounds like you did the right thing for you. That's all you can do.

Loosestrife, Thank you for this message, it reassures me that I did the right thing. I truly believed at the time that I had to end it in the manner in which I did and that ending the relationship had to happen regardless of the way in which it ended. I didn't intentionally hurt her, ultimately I was the only person that could save me from a damaging relationship. I guess technically that's selfish because I was only thinking of myself but no one else could have acted on my behalf.


Can you tell me more about the cycle of messages that you experienced when you ended your relationship.

The fall out can be over something minor but the usual routine is

1) she gets angry then upset and abandons the situation and me

2) I get dumped as she can't cope with the overwhelming hurt from whatever unintended slight I've immediately apologised for

3) I get an apology for immature behaviour and told how guilty she feels and how I'm better off without her

4) I get told how much she misses me and can't imagine life without me, but she doesn't know what else to do (usually starts to leave sentences open ended and goes from past to present tense)

5) when she realises I can do nothing but take her at her word and I stop corresponding she wants to speak/meet up (different excuses given like exchanging belongings)

6) correspondence picks up again both ways  and exchange of affection as she plays the waif who can't control her emotions when she becomes overwhelmed, as she is chronically unwell.

7) when we speak/meet up I cave as I love her and she is being nice again

I am 6) at present, she is genuinely sorry but it doesn't change the fact it's unhealthy... . each time I go through this I get a little bit more numb. She starts T next week, I know that's a long journey and I've already had 2 years of this. I feel prisoned with indecision. I am glad you are no longer stuck.

[myself]

I was manipulated by FOG many times

Ha! I misread that at first, thought it said 'marinated'. Makes sense either way.

Dunder, some of what you wrote made me think of #6 on the list of 'Ten Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck' (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality): Clinging to the words that were said. Which is understandable as you were sharing your life and heart with her, but now that you're not, letting go of them will do you more good. The passing of time will play a key role in that, you'll be able to accept it as much as you can. If she's disordered, you'll never get to the bottom of where she's really coming from/going with things. Because it will change too often to keep up with, as you've already gone through with her.

Taking the focus off of the past and putting it into the present works best, as you're also already experiencing. Like you, I chose to walk away in the least painful for both of us way I could, and am still walking... .