Quick question

[understandnow]

Does a high conflict person who has painted me black (I can't do anything right in her eyes) feel abandment when, after a conflict,  i told her not to contact me again.

[cleotokos]

I think it's possible that they can. Without many details it's hard to assess but BPD's go on feelings, not facts - just remember that. The fact may be that her behavior drove you away, but that doesn't always factor in to them or they don't always understand that.

[understandnow]

She has texted me on numerous occasions ranting and raging.  I have never answered her except for this last time.  Only told her "do not contact me again."  I am enjoying the peace but don't want to add to her fear of abandonment if that is what's going on.  Can you tell, I'm the fixer?  Working on that!   

[cleotokos]

You have to draw the line somewhere. Setting boundaries is really hard with a BPD parent because to them, you having any boundaries feels like rejection. Have you tried telling her "if you yell/curse/whatever I will not be responding"? That is a bit less harsh than "do not contact me again". But if you are at the point of NC, that is up to you to decide.

And remember boundaries are about what YOU will do - so if you want to go NC, it is up to you to not respond to her, it is not up to her to not try to contact you. You can only control yourself, and trying to put limitations on how she behaves - ie. don't contact me - will probably bring you frustration.

[understandnow]

Good advice cleotokos.  Thankyou

[Pilpel]

I think it's very likely that a BPD could feel abandonment when you go NC.  In a relationship with a BPD, their emotions rule.  They tend to not see or acknowledge that how they treat other people is as important as their own emotions.

Just a little story: when I first met my BPD SIL and I was assuming that she was normal, she broke down crying, saying that she feared rejection because she had been rejected so many times before.  She said she had several (not just one) boyfriends who completely dropped out of her life, without bothering to tell her they were breaking up with her.  I had no clue about BPD, I've always tried to assume the best of people, so it didn't really raise any red flags.

We spent two days together, which ended with her raging at me because everything I said and did offended her.  And in the middle of that rage, she cried, "How could do this to me after I told you about all those boys who rejected me?"

At that point, it was perfectly obvious to me why those boyfriends had ended the relationship by completely avoiding her.  But it made absolutely no sense to me how she could have told me that story, with any shred of integrity, and describe herself as the poor repeatedly rejected victim rather than acknowledge that the way she treated those boys is the problem not that they rejected her by moving out of town and not leaving forwarding address.