what to do when ppl ask about how your family is doing

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

It's been a long road but I am happy to be here because it is another step towards my recovery from being involved in an increasing emotionally abusive situation with my BPD younger sister and what I suspect is my BPD (certainly suffering from some type of mood disorder) mother.

It's been a lifelong pattern of emotional abuse and I made the decision a year ago to stop "fixing" the situation (aka apologize after rage-filled tantrums because it was the only thing that would alleviate the situation). Once I simply decided to stop fixing things, thus terminated my "relationship" with both of them. My sister has blocked me on Facebook and I haven't heard a peep from her and I've only spoken to my mother on her birthday, and I hate saying this but I am absolutely dreading Mother's Day coming up (the day before my own birthday).

So -- it's taken an incredibly long time, but I am healing. And I am thankful. And despite all of the above, I feel proud and pleased with where I am at -- I haven't felt peace in a long time.

Where I am struggling at the moment is how our society assumes that my family life is amazing. I literally went in for a job interview recently and the first question was "tell me more about your family." (what the heck?) I live across the country and don't really have any reason to interact with my mother or sister. If I was in the same room again with them, I'd like to think I'd do my damnest to be cordial (and walk out if things escalate). But since I am done fixing things, it also means that there just isn't a relationship anymore. And I feel weird when people ask me about my family and it's just well... . dysfunctional is an understatement.

I'm still close with my dad, but he's back home and sadly an enabler of my mother's behavior, especially. So, I often feel like a vigilante. And it sucks because on paper, family is a big value of mine, but I am very much feeling like now I need to take it upon myself to create one that isn't blood related.

All my childhood friends back home have no idea about what I'm dealing with and I don't want to "out" my mother and sister either. But I sure as hell don't want to say that things are great, either. On a random note, I recently dated a guy who more or less judged me for my crappy relationship with my mom saying "you can tell a lot about a person based on their relationship w/their mother." (Needless to say we are not dating anymore.)

I'd love to hear how others out there handle nosy inquiries about family when things really suck, but you just don't want to get into it -- and you don't want to be defensive either.

Thanks so much for reading.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi everyone,

It's been a long road but I am happy to be here because it is another step towards my recovery from being involved in an increasing emotionally abusive situation with my BPD younger sister and what I suspect is my BPD (certainly suffering from some type of mood disorder) mother.

It's been a lifelong pattern of emotional abuse and I made the decision a year ago to stop "fixing" the situation (aka apologize after rage-filled tantrums because it was the only thing that would alleviate the situation). Once I simply decided to stop fixing things, thus terminated my "relationship" with both of them. My sister has blocked me on Facebook and I haven't heard a peep from her and I've only spoken to my mother on her birthday, and I hate saying this but I am absolutely dreading Mother's Day coming up (the day before my own birthday).

So -- it's taken an incredibly long time, but I am healing. And I am thankful. And despite all of the above, I feel proud and pleased with where I am at -- I haven't felt peace in a long time.

Where I am struggling at the moment is how our society assumes that my family life is amazing. I literally went in for a job interview recently and the first question was "tell me more about your family." (what the heck?) I live across the country and don't really have any reason to interact with my mother or sister. If I was in the same room again with them, I'd like to think I'd do my damnest to be cordial (and walk out if things escalate). But since I am done fixing things, it also means that there just isn't a relationship anymore. And I feel weird when people ask me about my family and it's just well... . dysfunctional is an understatement.

I'm still close with my dad, but he's back home and sadly an enabler of my mother's behavior, especially. So, I often feel like a vigilante. And it sucks because on paper, family is a big value of mine, but I am very much feeling like now I need to take it upon myself to create one that isn't blood related.

All my childhood friends back home have no idea about what I'm dealing with and I don't want to "out" my mother and sister either. But I sure as hell don't want to say that things are great, either. On a random note, I recently dated a guy who more or less judged me for my crappy relationship with my mom saying "you can tell a lot about a person based on their relationship w/their mother." (Needless to say we are not dating anymore.)

I'd love to hear how others out there handle nosy inquiries about family when things really suck, but you just don't want to get into it -- and you don't want to be defensive either.

Thanks so much for reading.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for all that you have dealt with. I am curious about whether you are wrestling with feeling compelled to respond honestly (maybe just to get out all that you have been through) vs just giving a less honest answer (something like "ok" or "family has its ups and downs" etc.).

[getting_better]

Not sure if it helps, but when people ask me about me or my family I just say, "I'm getting better." or "We're getting better."  and leave it at that.

I can't really speak for my dBPDw, but I know me and my kids are getting better since I separated and began divorce proceedings.  I know it's not the same situation, but it might help! 

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful replies, I so appreciate it. @Mike-X, that's a great question. Integrity is a big value of mine, so I think that's why I feel kind of crappy by not being 100% (or mostly) honest about it. The more I think about it, I think saying "okay" feels better than "good." I know it's more about semantics, but replying "okay" does in fact feel a bit better. Thanks for raising that.

@getting_better -- I think your response is great for those who generally know about my situation but I may not feel like hashing out the latest or my feelings. I spent some time with a good friend yesterday who was going through her own family stuff, and I couldn't help but commiserate. But it left me feeling crappy, surprisingly. So, I like your response to help me self-manage from getting into my own rabbit hole.

And I admit I'm still getting used to all the abbreviations.  Is there a shorthand list somewhere?

So glad this forum exists. Thank you. 

[Turkish]

I kind of approach this like I would children: "age appropriately." That is to say, "what they can handle."

The abbreviations crib sheet can be found here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

[ziniztar]

hey ainteasybeinggreen,

I totally recognize this. I've been in this situation many times. Even though my relatives are not BPD, my mother passed away when I was 5, my father has NPD & paranoid tendencies (never diagnosed though), my uncle was schizofrenic (diagnosed) and own mother might have been BPD from all the stories I heard.

I used to disclose a lot of information really quickly (sign of not having boundaries myself).

What I've learnt is that proper adult behaviour is to not overshare, and to check whether someone is worth your trust. Which is why I never tell the entire story to strangers, whether it's at an interview or in a bar. I just mention basic stuff, like 'my nieces are going into high school this year',  'my father is near retirement', or 'my brother is selling his house'. That doesn't mean your lying. You're just cauteous and making small talk - appropriate at a first or second encounter. Nobody needs to know instantly that my nieces are stepnieces, that my father and brother are in a now 8-year battle over ownership of the company, and that my other brother pretends he can be an objective party which he really can't. Or that going back to the house is feeling like stepping in a minefield... .