i drove her away again its my fault

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey team, how are you all doing today?  Trying to sort threw this confusion, dont get mr wrong ive ben here before. i do realize i need to change some issues in my own life. What they are not 100% sure. What i do know is i dont want to change like i have before. For example, i was to a norm the first time 10 yrs and 2 kids later she wanted a diffrent life of drugs and partying freedom i reckn. So for 2 years i layd down in complete anger and hostile rage. Thought and thought how to change myself so this would never happen again. It took a while but i got there, i had few relationships after that, none worth being in. Then i met my ex BPD, ya it was my mistake our mistake how it all went down. She didnt want the man i was tottaly, i think she wanted the man i used to be,not good,. I promised my self i would never be at that point in my life again, were i was when i was married. Lazy, selfish, controlling, very degradeing i was a real creaton then.

So, here i am, this great guy, huge hart, layed back, workd all the time had money, confident. I was happy started a new family had a stable place and all that. After a little time had passd being with her, exBPD, i started feeling this anger comeing back again, this is not what i sighnd up for her BPD actions. I tryd my hardest to maintain me and not go back to the old. What now has transformed into a mutant of both the old and the new. I was unsure of how stop this from unfolding, i had bills and kids and her all that resposability to maintain at the same time dealing with her. Grrrrrrr ya frustraited. It is so hard for me to give up on people becouse i know change can happen, i had done it afterall, and im so proud that i had once succeeded!  Im starting to realize that i had changed to my exwifes standards, was this a mistake? I do not want to do this again to fit my ex BPDs standards, i dont believe this would make her want me back or even stay, had we gotton back together. I have ben told time and time again i have to do me(find my self) again. This is a constant struggle for me im not understanding.  

Back to it being its my fault, had i gave her what she needed when she needed it, would that have saved this? i felt like a such a puppet on strings and walking on eggshells might be an understatement here. she would very often lashout when i went to work, so i stayed home  time and time again only leading to more fights and sitting there silent untill one of us broke into insane rage. In the same breath she couldent figure out how not to work and have money to live a descent life. There were alota times in the last couple years she would send me to the store for lil stuff cigaretts doughnuts blah blah blah, 2 mins later here it came the violent lashing out threw text,you name it she did it. Unknowing how to handle this, sometimes i would defend myself, sometimes i simply ask what was going on, sometimes i would call her out on what she was lashing out about, try to bargin and simply give in to her if if there was nothing wrong there at all. Very to make sence of that, she would often just tell me to let it go, so ya not knowing what is was letting go of i would ask her what she meant, only leading to same result as above always fighting and leaveing. Anything i did or said wasnt the right thing, did i do something wrong here? i dont beleive its simple like some people arnt ment to be, after all i have witnessed this behavur with others in her life as well. Can any one sort this out for me? Get my head right again

[shatterd]

Hey team, how are you all doing today?  Trying to sort threw this confusion, dont get mr wrong ive ben here before. i do realize i need to change some issues in my own life. What they are not 100% sure. What i do know is i dont want to change like i have before. For example, i was to a norm the first time 10 yrs and 2 kids later she wanted a diffrent life of drugs and partying freedom i reckn. So for 2 years i layd down in complete anger and hostile rage. Thought and thought how to change myself so this would never happen again. It took a while but i got there, i had few relationships after that, none worth being in. Then i met my ex BPD, ya it was my mistake our mistake how it all went down. She didnt want the man i was tottaly, i think she wanted the man i used to be,not good,. I promised my self i would never be at that point in my life again, were i was when i was married. Lazy, selfish, controlling, very degradeing i was a real creaton then.

So, here i am, this great guy, huge hart, layed back, workd all the time had money, confident. I was happy started a new family had a stable place and all that. After a little time had passd being with her, exBPD, i started feeling this anger comeing back again, this is not what i sighnd up for her BPD actions. I tryd my hardest to maintain me and not go back to the old. What now has transformed into a mutant of both the old and the new. I was unsure of how stop this from unfolding, i had bills and kids and her all that resposability to maintain at the same time dealing with her. Grrrrrrr ya frustraited. It is so hard for me to give up on people becouse i know change can happen, i had done it afterall, and im so proud that i had once succeeded!  Im starting to realize that i had changed to my exwifes standards, was this a mistake? I do not want to do this again to fit my ex BPDs standards, i dont believe this would make her want me back or even stay, had we gotton back together. I have ben told time and time again i have to do me(find my self) again. This is a constant struggle for me im not understanding.  

Back to it being its my fault, had i gave her what she needed when she needed it, would that have saved this? i felt like a such a puppet on strings and walking on eggshells might be an understatement here. she would very often lashout when i went to work, so i stayed home  time and time again only leading to more fights and sitting there silent untill one of us broke into insane rage. In the same breath she couldent figure out how not to work and have money to live a descent life. There were alota times in the last couple years she would send me to the store for lil stuff cigaretts doughnuts blah blah blah, 2 mins later here it came the violent lashing out threw text,you name it she did it. Unknowing how to handle this, sometimes i would defend myself, sometimes i simply ask what was going on, sometimes i would call her out on what she was lashing out about, try to bargin and simply give in to her if if there was nothing wrong there at all. Very to make sence of that, she would often just tell me to let it go, so ya not knowing what is was letting go of i would ask her what she meant, only leading to same result as above always fighting and leaveing. Anything i did or said wasnt the right thing, did i do something wrong here? i dont beleive its simple like some people arnt ment to be, after all i have witnessed this behavur with others in her life as well. Can any one sort this out for me? Get my head right again

[Mutt]

Hi shatters,

I can relate with the rages and I often fought back sometimes did nothing and always confused as to what triggered the disproportionate anger. I'm sorry you had to go through that and don't be hard on yourself.

It's unresolved anger and fear of the self and directed externally and usually at loved ones because the person that loves them is tempered. It's confusing in the context that you think that it's because of something that you did.  You describe it  well with "walking on eggshells" because you may try to not upset the person to trigger these events. It's pent up anger and fear that hasn't been dealt with and released, an emotional cleansing.  I hope that helps.

Hang in there.

----Mutt

[shatterd]

i tryd so hard for many years, i had changd for her gave up evrything more than twice, i had nothing left to give, it was never enuff, and now today being painted black   wow   how can ppl be so dumb to believe her    her family makes me sick, they run and hide and tell her just go find somebody to make u happy    what dont they get here? its much deeper than the puppy love she seeks. there lack of real support is only guna lead to more damage to her, i think i realy do love her with everything  i just want to help her and be with her  we can beat this    please i beg you take my hand, take this walk with me, why is she scared of me   i know what shes keeping inside is a lie, i told her once, when things were bad 2 years ago we wernt togethr then, if u love me  please let me go  please baby let me go i cant do this anymore the pain is too much   if we cant be together i cant do this  i love u to much    we were talkng some every few days   i was trying for my kids   this hard for me to dig this up,  i do realize i have anger issues my life has ben ___   i often get critisied that honesty is intimadateing  im blunt  i dont sugar coat  wen she lies ya i call it out   i dont think im an ass whole for being like that   boy does she think so    i tryd to explain to her this is how i love you   i dont wnt this life for her   she is my love and god do i love her   and yet as i sit here flooded in tears and numbly trembling   i she walkd threw that door and said evrything right and even sexually presented her self in her angle like way    ya i woodnt do it this time honestly i cant do it anymore

[Mutt]

her family makes me sick, they run and hide and tell her just go find somebody to make u happy    what dont they get here?

You were married previously and identified your issues and self adjusted them and were trying things differently in this r/s.

It's invalidating when her family says "find someone to make you happy"

It's rejecting you and saying you're not good enough you put a lot of work and tried really hard.

there lack of real support is only guna lead to more damage to her,

What's the back story with the family?

Are they aware she's sick?

Are they scared of her?

Are they not aware and enabling?

i was trying for my kids

I'm getting the sense that you were trying to keep the family together for the kids and you were perhaps fed up with the emotional roller-coaster, the push / pull behavior and rages. Have I got that right?

i often get critisied that honesty is intimadateing  im blunt  i dont sugar coat  wen she lies ya i call it out  

I understand. I'm the type too. A pwBPD need a lot of validation, feelings equal facts and not facts followed by feelings. What BPD taught me is some people are hyper sensitive and my communication style can be invalidating.

Some members and ex partners with personality disorder traits come from invalidating homes. We can find ourselves in invalidating relationships as well. I came from an invalidating home and didn't know better and invalidated. BPD is complex, there are a lot of moving parts and invalidation is one piece of the picture.

Her family is invalidating you by saying find happiness in someone else. You loved her and changed behavioral patterns in this relationship and gave it your all. I'm sorry.

Your thread title i drove her away again its my fault

A r/s takes two. I think you're being too hard on yourself and I think you can give yourself a break?

[shatterd]

thanx mutt,  ya her family is the root of all evil here. Yes they are aware of her issues, she was diagnosed with this at young age like 8, along with other things, her family really dsnt care the way i do, there selfish and instead of dealing with this with her they prtty much shoved her aside and gave her what she wanted. Yes there scared of her  when she was a child she burnd there house down twice along with alot of crazy behavers. Now she has the grand kids to hold over there heads. Im the scum of the earth in that family becouse i didnt put up with it, i did my best not to enable her and top go threw this long process with her. We fought all the time about this subject im so sick of raising her u know, shes old enuff to know better she has 3 kids and very often acts like she 12 still. Her brain will not allow her to have a rational thought about anything thats responsable. So yes her family wants me dead and gone hey they figured hurray shes not our problem anymore. They have kept this a secret from me for mny years. However they have recently slowed the enabling, so of course she just finds new ones to f over. I am standing firm to my beliefs here and yet stand with an open hart. I realy do beleive i gave it 110% more than enuff times wile she gave nothing. There was a period were she did ditch her family for 2 years no contact, like i said she missd the point behind it like always, she just ran to more enablers. When i didnt enable her or when i limited it then of course the black man i became, she show sighns of knowing this is rong but yet there very limited and very short lived, i wonder sometimes if shes just fakeing it. Whats with suicide attempts? this last one was worst of all, the trigger was i woodnt allow her to controll me anymore i completely disabled it, and like always black i became and with her family backing that blackness, she died twice on the table this time, not good man over a twisted lie she created. We asked her why she did it, her response shocked me, she said becouse she coodnt live with out me? considering 2 weeks later theres a new dip ___ with her, i know right whaaat, i didnt fall for it this time, im prtty sure it was a test for attention from the new dip ___, yup shes a tester also big time, no matter whats at stake.