Vacation times

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The court order for summer vacation is two weeks per parent . The two weeks are to be non consecutive.

They can overide though the regular parenting schedule. Odd years I can choose first. 

Xnpdh wants two consecutive weeks. He says I can too,  and that by doing so would make it easier on the kids.  "we 3" want this.

I did respond saying that just because he says I can do it too does not make it ok.

So I asked S16 about what he thinks.  He has two important activites at the same time xh wants the two weeks, plus S works now.  S said he does not want to miss these activities.  I told S that he has to be the one to tell his dad then. ( whether he did or not I don't know)

I called L few days ago but have not heard back yet.

Court order is just that , an order to follow, xh does not like that. My year to pick weeks first, xh does not like that.

I don't want to give in.  But I know he will do something to get even if I don't give in. He will use the kids in doing  so.  That is what he does.  At the same time, am I being too harsh and should just let it go? ... .Xh is unemployed, so he has lots of time.

[whirlpoollife]

The court order for summer vacation is two weeks per parent . The two weeks are to be non consecutive.

They can overide though the regular parenting schedule. Odd years I can choose first. 

Xnpdh wants two consecutive weeks. He says I can too,  and that by doing so would make it easier on the kids.  "we 3" want this.

I did respond saying that just because he says I can do it too does not make it ok.

So I asked S16 about what he thinks.  He has two important activites at the same time xh wants the two weeks, plus S works now.  S said he does not want to miss these activities.  I told S that he has to be the one to tell his dad then. ( whether he did or not I don't know)

I called L few days ago but have not heard back yet.

Court order is just that , an order to follow, xh does not like that. My year to pick weeks first, xh does not like that.

I don't want to give in.  But I know he will do something to get even if I don't give in. He will use the kids in doing  so.  That is what he does.  At the same time, am I being too harsh and should just let it go? ... .Xh is unemployed, so he has lots of time.

[Nope]

Actually, most things in an order can be temporarily changed by agreement of the parties in writing.

I've found that caring at all about what's best for the BPD parent has gotten my DH absolutely nowhere. She will never thank him and she will never return the favor. So the focus needs to be 100% on what's best for the kid. I've also taken the time to think back really honestly about the BPD mom's behavior and I can honestly say that nothing we've done has changed the way she behaves for better or worse. She does what she is going to do and if we did something that made her mad them she makes that her excuse, and if we didn't do anything to make her mad she manufactures an excuse to tell herself why we desrve it anyway.

[ForeverDad]

Court order is just that, an order to follow, xh does not like that. My year to pick weeks first, xh does not like that.

Likely the reason that your one week vacations are not to be concatenated is so that the child is not apart from the other parent for too long.  (My county says we can have 3 weeks of vacation per year but a maximum of 2 weeks per vacation.)

One reason to set aside the time limits is if he's traveling a far distance.  For example, one vacation spot I like to go to takes nearly 2 days on the road to get there.  If I had one week - or maybe my weekend and a vacation week - then I'd only have a few days at the destination.  Another destination, the Rockies or Cascades, are 3-5 days away by road.  One week would just be driving to and from and nothing more.  I'd have to fly instead.  What I'm saying is that there are some vacations where two weeks makes sense.  Is this one of them?  With the order brand new, is this the time to make exceptions?

To continue that thought... .'making wine out of sour grapes'... .Is there something in the order that is a real problem for you?  Maybe rather than "giving in" you could counter with a change you would like.  I bet that would shut him up real quick.

As Nope wrote, you could agree in writing to make an exception to that clause but beware.  Ex wants that primarily because he wants to be oppositional and jerk your chain.  If you requested the same thing next year he would surely refuse to accommodate you.

What do you want to wager that if he gets you to agree to a change this year then next year when he gets to pick first that he will refuse to agree to you requesting the same, even if the agreement was supposed to cover two years?  No reciprocity.  Oppositional.  Blaming.  Guilting.

If there is to be a permanent change, it would probably need to be documented in the court record.  Something signed between the two of you outside of court might be recognized by the court but I wouldn't count on it.

I don't want to give in.  But I know he will do something to get even if I don't give in. He will use the kids in doing so.

You already know this:  He will blame and guilt anyway, if not this then something else.  So if you give in it may be an enabling type of sidestepping, it may encourage more attempts.

Clearly he doesn't like following rules and boundaries and so he has to challenge hem to have a sense of Control.  The order is new.  This is not the time to chip away at it without good reason to do so.  After all, you said it yourself, he decided not to work and so he has a lot of flexible time.

Edit:  I looked and Independence Day (July 4) is a Saturday.  Typically holidays trump vacations just like vacations trump the regular schedule.  If it is his holiday this year and not his weekend then maybe he could include it to give a couple extra days for his vacation, if around that time.

[livednlearned]

It's also not good in terms of parental alienation for the kids to spend long chunks of time with their dad. They won't have a chance to code switch as often. 

[whirlpoollife]

Yes it's the PA I'm worried about.   A normal dad, no problem. The custody order is not new , even though the divorce settlement is new. 

Plus in the years past when we were married , I wanted to so much to visit my family ( while they were alive) , other side of country, and xh didn't allow it, or if I pleaded back he would say I could go but not kids.  But when I had family emergencies he didn't want me to go, and it nothing to do with missing me while I was gone. When we did go as family , he would sabatoge the trips to add so much stress.

Now he wants everyone to appease him. It's not for the kids, it's for him.

Kids act like they don't know where they are going but the more I ask they begin to tell me. I validate it by only not saying anything negative.  It is a long road trip, ... .to my home town and back .  Very strange.

Last year I took kids to the east coast , then couple weeks after xh took kids to the east coast. Then I had to hear how much better the place was where dad took them than where I took them.  From the mouth of ex only. Kids on their own thoughts would just like it all.

But the darn nice in me, is yes it's a road trip and they cannot be done in a week. The kids would see a lot.  I like road trips , done it with my family , work, and xh .

For me to get two weeks off  in a row isn't going happen so his kindness of saying I can do it too , well he knows it isn't going to happen.

So I still don't know.

The decision will be in writing on OFW.  When I do I want to add , to tell xh to just stop the "we 3" "stuff"  ( like telling a two year old to stop doing something he shouldn't be doing)

The replies are appreciated and helpful as always