The same thing over and over again

[problemseeker]

So my BPD SO is very angry at some of my former friends, with a valid reason. However it keeps coming back up and I have no idea how to deal with it. I've basically cut two of my friends out of my life (for other reasons as well) and only see them through my social circle now and then but to no avail. I have to keep my friends and my SO mostly separated, which I can live with but I'm afraid that my SO will never let this go and I will have to defend being friends with those "demons from hell" every day/week/month. Any of you know how to deal with this or calm her down when it happens? It's not nice to see someone you love being this angry, especially because the anger is caused by hurt.

Thanks in advance.

[Mike-X]

Thank you for your post, and welcome to the boards.

I am sorry that you are struggling with issues between your SO and friends. I can imagine the difficulty in balancing relationships with a SO and friends who aren't getting along.

Are you looking for possible solutions for calming your SO down in the moment or in the long term, including possibly reconciling with your friends? Also, can you provide more details on the issue?

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the boards.

Have you looked at any of the lessons? On the Staying Board, there is a lesson on communication and validation. Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

A lot of times, people keep bringing up the same issues because they don't feel heard or validated. You can validate somebody's feelings without agreeing with them.

When she brings this up, how does the conversation usually go?

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Good luck... .but anything you do to make things better becomes the new 'norm'.  Those friends you've given up are gone... .anything less is a threat to pwBPD.

I've had to state I'll read the next Game of Thrones book, because my uBPDw originally stated the books are a threat to the sanctity of our marriage.

When we first talked about it, it became obvious that any relationship in a book is a threat (because I'm in the middle of that relationship instead of ours).  Then it was any book with a female lead character, then any book written by a female author. 

So yes, when the last book came out my life was hell while I read it, but what's the alternative?  Nothing will ever make them happy and it just boils down to how much of your soul you're willing to lose.

[problemseeker]

Thanks for the replies. The conversation generally goes like this: My SO says: "I really hate those *&%#@." and goes of in an angry rant. The first couple of times I've agreed about the behavior of my former friends, which wasn't exactly nice (b___y and immature describe it quite well) (I must admit I myself am also at fault here and made the situation way worse) but lately I've grown tired of rehashing the same things seeing as I haven't really seen the people in question for almost 5 months now (only now and then during group events). I don't feel angry towards them myself anymore but if I tell her they are sorry and want to make things right (which is what they want to do) she tells me I am gullible/should not trust them ever again because they slipped up in the past/they are manipulating me.

I would like a long term solution so we can move on because frankly, I don't want to spend my time talking about bad stuff people did and spend my energy in positive ways. Reconciling with my former friends is not going to happen in the near future but I'm actually okay with that.

Thank you for the link about validation, it was a really helpful read and I think that my SO indeed feels invalidated. I will try to be more validating and next time talk about the way she feels and why other people would feel the same instead of how evil some people can be.

[an0ught]

Hi problemseeker,

that you started looking into acquiring validation skills. Sometimes validation can help to calm down a person - any person not just a pwBPD. People genuinely appreciate being understood on a deep level.

PwBPD can not self validate. So often the anger is projected on the most convenient target like your friends. Proper validation would not be agreeing with SO's factual statements but would reflect back the emotions only. It was a truly big, gigantic thing for SO - you get that - it wasn't such a big thing for you but you don't have to stress that. Don't change your view of facts to suit SO's emotions - that way lies madness.

Be aware that there are limits to validation - once a person is fully loosing control often the best you can do is taking a step back and let them cool down.

Reconciling with my former friends is not going to happen in the near future but I'm actually okay with that.

Please protect your outside relationships. You may need to keep them separate - that is ok. But don't let SO interfere with them. You need them to sustain you. You need them as a stable, sane reference point. Study boundaries, reflect on your values and act in accordance to them.

Often the Staying Board provides faster responses and is more focused on skill learning and supporting practical questions of day-to-day life. You may want to give it a shot next time with a how to do this type question. 

Again ,

a0

[hegrid]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and it is unfortunately something many of us face with our partners. I had to decide who among my friends were worth dealing with the fits and who wasn't. I cut some out early on because it wasn't worth it. Which meant every friend of the same sex.

But the thing is, it never ends, and can become a domino effect for family, coworkers, tv characters, etc. Once the source of their irritation is gone, they find another to keep the chaos going. And they know how far they can push to make you give up something. So be careful going down this road. Some people I don't regret cutting out, but some I do. And you need to stay connected for your own sanity.

If you need to keep someone they are fixated on, set a boundary. Definitely learn how to set boundaries in a firm but non confrontational way, and then learn to deal with the anger and extinction bursts as they realize that you won't be pushed beyond the boundary. Validation helps with that part too.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey problemseeker, The situation you describe is quite familiar to me and now I would regard it as a big red flag  .  Like you, I had no problem cutting out various friends and minimizing contacts w/family, all because of pressure from my BPDxW.  Yet if you continue down this path, you may wake up one day and realize -- as I did -- that you are completely isolated and have forgotten who you are, which is no fun, believe me.  A BPD SO is a poor substitute for the perspective one gains from friends and family.  A healthy r/s doesn't require one to sacrifice friends and family, yet it happens all the time in a BPD r/s.  Be careful.  You will need friends and family when the going gets rough, as it always does in a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim

[daz_bpd]

Choosing the right people in your social circle is just as important as choosing the correct partner for you. Having said that:

1. Your family and friends will give you perspective on your relationship, things that you don't see when in love with her.

2. If your partner is weeding out your family and friends in an effort to control you, that is unhealthy

In my case, my family and friends were never good enough. She often said "its me or them" "why do you choose others against me" "why are you always against me".

The reality, is that she wasn't right for me, but i was blinded by love and let my emotions and attachment cloud my judgement. your friends can give you much needed insight into the type of woman that would suit you, and also be better for healthy, long-term relationships.