Had to give her an opening to cause more trouble.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

DH and I finally decided it was time to move our family into a bigger house. The kids are getting older and need more space and we need more space as well. We opted for a larger house in the same neighborhood we are already in. The kids will even be taking the same school bus they take now. just getting on and off at a different stop.

Unfortunately, we have to give the kid's uBPD mom notice of the move and it states right on the paper we had to fill out for notice that she is entitled to a hearing to determine any reallocation of parenting time based on the move. *sigh*

This could open a huge can of worms because the current order gives her no summer parenting time unless by agreement of the parties. Because of her failure to get the court ordered counseling that's also required by that same order, DH is not willing to give her any summer parenting time. I guess I'm worried that with the move she now has cause to take us back to court and demand a change to the order to get the kids this summer.

I know she doesn't really have the money to take us to court but her current clueless victim (boyfriend) does. I guess we'll see soon if he's willing to put up the money to help her make our lives more difficult. The biggest thing we have going for us is that she's been through five Ls already and the order giving DH custody would turn anyone off from wanting to take her case out of the goodness of their heart.

[Nope]

DH and I finally decided it was time to move our family into a bigger house. The kids are getting older and need more space and we need more space as well. We opted for a larger house in the same neighborhood we are already in. The kids will even be taking the same school bus they take now. just getting on and off at a different stop.

Unfortunately, we have to give the kid's uBPD mom notice of the move and it states right on the paper we had to fill out for notice that she is entitled to a hearing to determine any reallocation of parenting time based on the move. *sigh*

This could open a huge can of worms because the current order gives her no summer parenting time unless by agreement of the parties. Because of her failure to get the court ordered counseling that's also required by that same order, DH is not willing to give her any summer parenting time. I guess I'm worried that with the move she now has cause to take us back to court and demand a change to the order to get the kids this summer.

I know she doesn't really have the money to take us to court but her current clueless victim (boyfriend) does. I guess we'll see soon if he's willing to put up the money to help her make our lives more difficult. The biggest thing we have going for us is that she's been through five Ls already and the order giving DH custody would turn anyone off from wanting to take her case out of the goodness of their heart.

[ForeverDad]

Unfortunately, we have to give the kid's uBPD mom notice of the move and it states right on the paper we had to fill out for notice that she is entitled to a hearing to determine any reallocation of parenting time based on the move. *sigh*

I believe that clause is there because the move might be out of the school district, out of the county or out of the state.  If it's only a couple miles away and the kids are already residing a couple states and hundreds of miles away from her, then there hasn't been a material "change of circumstances".  Yes, she might cause problems but they shouldn't go anywhere.  If she does file to contest, your lawyer could move to dismiss since you didn't even leave the neighborhood.

• The move benefits housing the children.



• The move is within the same neighborhood and zip code.



• The move doesn't affect anything with school, not even the school bus.



• There is no basis to reopen the existing order.



• There only thing of note is the mailing address change.

[Nope]

Unfortunately, we have to give the kid's uBPD mom notice of the move and it states right on the paper we had to fill out for notice that she is entitled to a hearing to determine any reallocation of parenting time based on the move. *sigh*

I believe that clause is there because the move might be out of the school district, out of the county or out of the state.  If it's only a couple miles away and the kids are already residing a couple states and hundreds of miles away from her, then there hasn't been a material "change of circumstances".  Yes, she might cause problems but they shouldn't go anywhere.  If she does file to contest, your lawyer could move to dismiss since you didn't even leave the neighborhood.

• The move benefits housing the children.



• The move is within the same neighborhood and zip code.



• The move doesn't affect anything with school, not even the school bus.



• There is no basis to reopen the existing order.



• There only thing of note is the mailing address change.

That's my hope. The new house is literally less than half a mile from the old house. I'm just worried that when the BPD mom complains that she isn't getting any summer parenting time, a magistrate will feel bad for her and use the move as an excuse to revisit the order. Keep in mind there is likely no guarantee we'd get the same magistrate who made the order. What if we get the cranky guy who gave her a pass on Contempt again?

[ForeverDad]

Yes, a new or reopened case goes into the rotation.  You mean the guy who laid his head on his hands during my ex's testimony?  My lawyer told me years ago he was cruising along until retirement.  (OHMagistrates lists him as the district representative.)  I found a newsletter where he spoke of his children, "I cannot say I’m a better magistrate because they have been a part of my life, but I hope I am a better person because of them."

Of the magistrates there, you just had the 'best' of them this past year.

EDIT:  That quote was from June 2009.

[Nope]

Yes, a new or reopened case goes into the rotation.  You mean the guy who laid his head on his hands during my ex's testimony?  My lawyer told me years ago he was cruising along until retirement.  (OHMagistrates lists him as the district representative.)  I found a newsletter where he spoke of his children, "I cannot say I’m a better magistrate because they have been a part of my life, but I hope I am a better person because of them."

Of the magistrates there, you just had the 'best' of them.

Thanks for making me laugh. I needed it.

That one got all red faced and angry at her but then he let her get away with everything. It's my hope that if we got him again then at least he would have enough respect for the magistrate who wrote the order to leave it alone. I guess we'll find out. I plan to update if she does anything. She apparently gets 30 days.

[momtara]

Can you just notify her of the new address and leave it at that?

I, too, am intimidated by giving my ex a reason to reopen anything. I have some things right now to deal with and am laying low for that reason.

In your case, it sounds like there is no material change. Maybe a lawyer would say you don't have to even notify her.

If she does ask for the summer time, you can bring up the counseling and such, and maybe other problems in the past. You never know how these things may go.

Here's an idea - can you just find a way for her not to find out until midway through summer? A judge may not care that you didn't tell her right away.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, a new or reopened case goes into the rotation.

This story goes back to September 2009.  Magistrate PG, not MF referenced above, got really emotional by the time ex's complaint was dismissed, mad at both of us and walked out to write up her decision.  My ex had asked a question and the reply was to file something.  Well, ex went and got the paper, filled it out and submitted it.  Well, lawyers and staff whisper too.  In a later session with my lawyer he related the scuttlebutt, the magistrate found out that ex had turned in a new motion and was very unhappy.  Guess what?  Yep, the magistrate's decision somehow managed to get completed and timestamped before ex's paper got processed and so with the case ever so briefly closed we went back into the rotation and we got MF again.  That PG didn't want us back!

I think there is room on the form to add additional data.  DH could list the change, and state it is merely a small move within the neighborhood, no changes to distance, schools, etc except for the mail address.

My ex twice filed move notices.  Nothing to do.  But on the second one she checked that no one had to be notified and so I the Legal Guardian didn't find out until she moved and I then checked the website.

[Waddams]

It's just me, but I wouldn't tell her if I were moving a 1/2 mile.  There's no material effect on the kids or custody.  I don't think I'd even notify anyone associated with the courts at this time, and wouldn't unless I had to later.

[Nope]

A. It's in the court's rules that when there is a custody order in place the other parent must be notified of any move. B. If we don't tell her, the kids will. We ended up having our L file the paperwork and having the court send her a copy themselves. So she'll get the papers during one of her infrequent trips back to her residence since she's mostly been staying out of state at her boyfriend's place.

FD, we did write in the little section of explanation that this is barely a move and won't effect the kids except to give them more space and that it's in the same neighborhood and school district,

[bravhart1]

If my two cents can make you feel better, I'll add that if she did try to "take you to court" over moving to a new house in the same neighborhood, I think I would approach it like "What the heck?" Why are we in court for moving a block away? Someone better explain to me what we have done to have a change in circumstances with a upgrade in home on the next street and make her look litigious and foolish. BPD's are nothing of not opportunistic. Shine a light on it and maybe the judge will toss her out.

[Nope]

If my two cents can make you feel better, I'll add that if she did try to "take you to court" over moving to a new house in the same neighborhood, I think I would approach it like "What the heck?" Why are we in court for moving a block away? Someone better explain to me what we have done to have a change in circumstances with a upgrade in home on the next street and make her look litigious and foolish. BPD's are nothing of not opportunistic. Shine a light on it and maybe the judge will toss her out.

It's a good point that she might look litigious. But on the other hand, who in her position of having had 85% physical custody in the past wouldn't jump at the chance to get any at all guarenteed summer parenting time? Yes, it may look opportunistic, but it could also look like a mother desperate to see her children.

... .Of course obviously not desperate enough to go to court ordered counseling.

[bravhart1]

But she lost custody? What has changed to reverse that?

You moved to another house? I say " ya, so what"?

[Nope]

But she lost custody? What has changed to reverse that?

You moved to another house? I say " ya, so what"?

She didn't lose custody. They still have 50/50 joint parenting. The order simply modified the parenting plan making DH residential parent for school purposes. The original plan gave DH one weekend a month in her state of he chose to use it and gave him every other major holiday break in our state, plus six weeks of summer and a miinimum of one phone call per week. The current order gives her a minimum of three phone calls a week, almost every long weekend during the school year in our state, one regular weekend in our state any month there isn't a long weekend, every other major holiday break in her state, and "all other parenting time is to be by agreement of the parties". And DH has no reason to feel it's in their best interests to go to her state this summer at all.

So since they still have 50/50 custody, maybe she can get a new magistrate to say that she should have summer parenting time. As long as custody stays 50/50 revisiting her parenting time doesn't require a significant change of circumstances. The reason they still have 50/50 is because when DH asked for the hearing he asked for a modification of the parenting plan. The reason he didn't ask for sole custody is because our L was unsure the magistrate would agree that there was a change of circumstances before we got the GAL. Had the magistrate not agreed our motion would have gone nowhere and our L didn't want to take the risk.

[enlighten me]

I think as already stated that the move doesnt affect anything apart from the school bus stop so there is nothing to warrant a change in circumstances. If she did try to file then all your lawyer needs to do is highlight the factor that the order was made due to her lack of co operation a refusal to do the court ordered counselling. As she still hasnt complied then the original order should remain unchanged.

[momtara]

Yeah, that's always a problem - that the kids will tell her and then it will seem worse. If you could have waited until midway through summer, when you're all moved in, that may have been an idea, but you can't tell the kids not to tell her. Hope it goes ok!

[Nope]

The plot thickens... .

Heard from a well trusted little birdie up in her state that the house she's been renting for the past four years is completely empty. Guess she moved in with her new BF and didn't tell anybody.

[ForeverDad]

Even if she's not the majority time parent she should have filed advance written notice with the court and the fathers, yet she didn't.  So I guess she never informed the father of her younger child either?

[livednlearned]

The plot thickens... .

Heard from a well trusted little birdie up in her state that the house she's been renting for the past four years is completely empty. Guess she moved in with her new BF and didn't tell anybody.

That is definitely a thicker plot! I wonder if there is a way to document this.

My experience is that when the threat of court action hangs over your head, everything starts to feel like it all counts. Even the small things. Even things that might not count. And you've had some bad court experiences, so that affects how you think about the case. You've been able to see that judges go with their gut on things, to your disadvantage. And you've been able to see that GALs can go with their gut, to your advantage. It can start to feel like it's all very random and that pushes us to be very conservative in our actions. We walk on egg shells with court orders and judges and lawyers and GALs. It's no way to live  :'(

I think it can create a type of PTSD. Maybe not full-blown, and maybe it's more likely to happen if you've been in a long-term relationship with someone who has BPD. I don't know.

It takes a lot of effort to recalibrate and not feel jacked up by all of this. I don't have any advice for how to do this, other than to be aware that court actions can shift your entire way of thinking and that has an effect on your nervous system, how you think, how you sleep, your health.

If I were in your shoes, I would want to find a way to document the empty apartment or that she's living at the BFs. Just so I had that insurance -- not necessarily to use it, but to give myself some security or confidence that I could move without letting bio mom know. If she makes an issue out of it, then bring up the apartment.

It's likely that she is renting and not living there because she plans to move back there if/when the kids move back in, so it can't be ruled out that she is only cohabitating now while visitation is up in the air.

Hard to say. My ex was not great at long-term planning, so I can't see him thinking that many steps ahead, at least not with anything to do with family life. Maybe she just broke her lease?

[Nope]

Even if she's not the majority time parent she should have filed advance written notice with the court and the fathers, yet she didn't.  So I guess she never informed the father of her younger child either?

No, she did not inform him. Yes, she's in contempt for this. I confirmed that with our L today. Not that it matters because it just stacks on top of all of the other reasons she's in contempt. We aren't going back to court for any of it unless she leaves us no choice by trying to take us back for something herself.

LandL, you better believe this whole thing makes us feel better. I think a big problem with the way we have post-court PTSD is that we still have to deal with a BPD constantly threatening to drag us back if one of her phone calls with the kids is even give minutes late. She constantly tries to tell us we can get it some kind of legal trouble for not jumping to attention the second she gets a hair across her you-know-what. And you are completely right that the randomness of how a judge will rule causes us to have anxiety around these threats.

I know she won't keep the apartment because I saw on social media that she actually sold off her furniture. It's pretty clear she's abadoning the residence. I don't know if her lease on the house was month to month but I do remember that it was rent-to-own. So she's walking away from all of her equity.

What boggles my mind is that, unless she is even more low-functioning than I think she is, or is really really counting on DH being stupid, she's not even interested in trying to get any summer parenting time. Her boyfriend loves in a two bedroom apartment where his own kid has a room every other weekend. Unless they are planning to move to a bigger place in a month, she has nowhere besides couches to put S10 and D12. So what is her plan? To not tell us she moved and let the kids tell us when they get back?

*shrug* At least we clearly don't have to worry about her making our lives tougher right now with this little gem to throw in her face.

[momtara]

Nnnnice.

Maybe she really doesn't care about the parenting time. She wants to be with the new boyfriend. 

You could document it maybe by sending some sort of registered mail that says it has to be sent back if she's not at that address? I dunno. I don't think you have to worry about it yet.