Almost breaking N/C- HELP

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm hanging on by a thread here.  Started ruminating, was getting ready to go for a walk, didn't make it that far.  I check my phone, word chums.  I sent her an invite last week to play.  It didn't go thru, I know this.  Pheew, was happy about that.  Well I was just about to send her an invite to play again, this time at the correct email/cell address.  I even changed the standard message to my words. Then I'm thinking and crying and feeling crappy again.  Now thinking even more about her then before.  THinking: what is she doing on a warm beautiful saturday in Florida.  Someone please give me a few words to stop this.

[DyingLove]

I'm hanging on by a thread here.  Started ruminating, was getting ready to go for a walk, didn't make it that far.  I check my phone, word chums.  I sent her an invite last week to play.  It didn't go thru, I know this.  Pheew, was happy about that.  Well I was just about to send her an invite to play again, this time at the correct email/cell address.  I even changed the standard message to my words. Then I'm thinking and crying and feeling crappy again.  Now thinking even more about her then before.  THinking: what is she doing on a warm beautiful saturday in Florida.  Someone please give me a few words to stop this.

[DyingLove]

Its almost like the ROUTINE wanna break N/C time.  I'm writing to keep away from sending a message.  Does anyone think I should contact her with all the grief I'm going thru try to remain N/C?

[Dunder]

I'm hanging on by a thread here.  Started ruminating, was getting ready to go for a walk, didn't make it that far.  I check my phone, word chums.  I sent her an invite last week to play.  It didn't go thru, I know this.  Pheew, was happy about that.  Well I was just about to send her an invite to play again, this time at the correct email/cell address.  I even changed the standard message to my words. Then I'm thinking and crying and feeling crappy again.  Now thinking even more about her then before.  THinking: what is she doing on a warm beautiful saturday in Florida.  Someone please give me a few words to stop this.

Dying, Give it time, don't act on impulse, the temptation with pass. Take that walk, enjoy the sun, you know what is the right thing to do. I'm fighting it today as well, man, I'm right there with you.

[Bensonshays]

Its almost like the ROUTINE wanna break N/C time.  I'm writing to keep away from sending a message.  Does anyone think I should contact her with all the grief I'm going thru try to remain N/C?

Don't do it. I'm having the same struggle, but I stop myself by recalling that she walked away without any regard for me. Moreover, your invite won't get you the result you want. She'll get a kick out of the fact that you're not over her and she'll toy with you, if she responds at all.

Go put on your favorite music and work out, instead, or go meet up with some friends.

[DyingLove]

God I hate this crap. I'm literally trembling, my hands, my body, like I used to do when she came home from work after the B/U.

I'm trying so hard to get out that door. To walk or something.  I know I've come so far, there was a time I didn't want to get out of bed.  Now I'm nearly getting out.  I've got the WANT to do it.  I'm stuck here with the thinking that I'm gonna miss something, thinking that our B/U isn't forever, thinking all that sick twisted lying to myself stuff.  It's preventing me from moving on, and I know it.  I am so thankful that I have you all here to help keep me on the path.

Bensonshays and Dunder, I'm sorry you are with me in our wanting to break N/C. Whether it be a little or be alot or be humungous, it hurts like hell and it's something that we keep internalized.  I'm so glad I did something smart and reached out. Even now, just writing is calming me down some.  It could just start up though.  Seems that when the tears and choking up happen, it buys me some time. Kinda like a go a little "anestetic" from the tears.  But the minute my minds eye starts thinking about her. I would be out with her today in Fl. in the beautiful weather, and we would be sharing the day, UNTIL, the crap hit the fan and there might be an argument of some sort.  Good, another con to make me remember why I am out of there.  I never did like rollercoasters as a kid, and I don't like them now.

[zundertowz]

I found myself thinking positivly this morning about her and thinking how great it would be to spend a nice sunny saturday with her... .I quickly snapped out of it and remembered it was mostly hell!  :)ont do it give yourself time... .the outcome probably wont be what you want anyway.

[dobie]

Every time I break NC it leads to a flood of desperation from me anger , pleading and all the rest

And every time shes manages to hurt me with her silence or her cold indifferent responses don't do it my man

Stay strong and love you

She will not tell you what you want to hear

Bro I hear you I'm sitting in my flat looking at the lampshade we put up thinking what the heck happened I miss her every damm day

But she does not feel the same I am an insect to her she is chasing new supply I remember that and think well stufu then when I feel like emailing or whatever and then I remember her total lack of empathy and remorse her deciet her probable cheating her betrayal of a good man I'm not perfect but I'm a good kind loyal loving helpful kind honest man and she is not worthy

[DyingLove]

I agree Zundertowz.  No matter what, the outcome won't be right.

I think about the so called recycle. What would happen to me?  Well I'm still in a bad financial state, but better than I was in Fl. If she was in it for the support, or the support became important now, I'd disappoint her.  I'm sure in 50-ish days, she hasn't gotten help, or meds that she so badly needs. So it would be eggshell city to be with her. Her situation, she works for someone in medical industry, her pay isn't fantastic, but she'll make enuff to get by month to month.  Funny because all her bills are the same if not more than when I was there. If she would have let me grow, I'd have my business up and running (online) by now without a doubt. It takes time, but she certainly suppressed me. Her car was ready to blow up. So she needs a vehicle (at this point it is her problem), unfortunately her child 9yo girl, has severe problems which are just not going to go away on their own. Add to that her horrible father and broken home/lousy upbringing and you have a very sad situation.  But one persons bad situation is anothers BLESSING in disguise.  I was willing to be there in bad times. Guess she didn't see how bad they are going to get.  God will take care of everyone, good and bad.

[myself]

Beneath your name and picture here it says 'God has a plan!'

Is it to remain in a toxic dance of push and pull, and pain?

Or to find the best way through by letting go and moving on?

Supposedly it comes down to 'free will', right?

So which direction do you choose? Which is better for you?

What's your plan? What are your healthiest possibilities?

This stuff can be difficult. Changing our patterns can be disorienting.

But once we find our balance the negativity can melt away.

Which includes living in the present, not the past. Create your own peace.

[DyingLove]

Every time I break NC it leads to a flood of desperation from me anger , pleading and all the rest

And every time shes manages to hurt me with her silence or her cold indifferent responses don't do it my man

Stay strong and love you

She will not tell you what you want to hear

Bro I hear you I'm sitting in my flat looking at the lampshade we put up thinking what the heck happened I miss her every damm day

But she does not feel the same I am an insect to her she is chasing new supply I remember that and think well stufu then when I feel like emailing or whatever

Thanks Dobie.  Right you are.

I'm struggling now also thinking that maybe she didn't have BPD or maybe something else was the problem or this or that and this and that.  I mentioned in other posts how her friend says that she still loves me.  That doesn't sound BPD or does it.  But going from love to hate in one day does sound BPD. And promising me forever and only making 4 years also sounds suspicious of BPD.  But guilt and shame on my part keep making me doubt my senses.

[DyingLove]

Beneath your name and picture here it says 'God has a plan!'

Is it to remain in a toxic dance of push and pull, and pain?

Or to find the best way through by letting go and moving on?

Supposedly it comes down to 'free will', right?

So which direction do you choose? Which is better for you?

What's your plan? What are your healthiest possibilities?

This stuff can be difficult. Changing our patterns can be disorienting.

But once we find our balance the negativity can melt away.

Which includes living in the present, not the past. Create your own peace.

Thank you myself.

I am choosing properly. I'm staying N/C. I just needed a verbal and emotional arse kicking from everyone. And I'm getting it. Thank you. I suffered panic attacks when I was in my 30's, over 25 years ago.  I don't get them anymore, I self healed thru understanding. But I know the feeling from the uncontrollable attacks, and the pain of hurting and wanting to break N/C is very comparable if not the same. It's the withdrawl of my exBPDdrug.  I understand how this is a learning event, because who in their right mind or wrong mind would want to relive and go thru this stuff again.  I'm sorry for all the people that recycle and go thru it again.

[dobie]

Every time I break NC it leads to a flood of desperation from me anger , pleading and all the rest

And every time shes manages to hurt me with her silence or her cold indifferent responses don't do it my man

Stay strong and love you

She will not tell you what you want to hear

Bro I hear you I'm sitting in my flat looking at the lampshade we put up thinking what the heck happened I miss her every damm day

But she does not feel the same I am an insect to her she is chasing new supply I remember that and think well stufu then when I feel like emailing or whatever

Thanks Dobie.  Right you are.

I'm struggling now also thinking that maybe she didn't have BPD or maybe something else was the problem or this or that and this and that.  I mentioned in other posts how her friend says that she still loves me.  That doesn't sound BPD or does it.  But going from love to hate in one day does sound BPD. And promising me forever and only making 4 years also sounds suspicious of BPD.  But guilt and shame on my part keep making me doubt my senses.

Dying ,

You have seen my posts brother I understand more than most the confusion the need for answers , was it me ? Is she disordered ? Is it BPD ? Mild aspd PPD ?

Immaturity ? What did I do wrong ? What's wrong with me ?

I never had a problem with a gf falling out of love I never questioned a BU in my life there were reasons they made sense  .or been  so shocked at how cold , how indifferent how detached and unfeeling another human being can be to someone who loves them and was always there for them that's my struggle that's what lead me to this board .

These woman are not normal and not healthy look at the behaviours dying at the very least they are super selfish and self centred is that someone you think you deserve ?

My x told me she would never leave me how much she loves me how amazing blah blah blah all bs

She told me a week before we BU "she would kill herself if something happened to me " and how I need to lose weight as she does not want me to die in my 40s or 50s how I have my birthday and Halloween to look forward to

A week later I've not loved you for over a year I love you but I'm not in love with you  

Its all so FU we can't make sense of crazy .

Your x is not normal I've read your threads bro she is damaged and she is causing you pain . she is an addiction but you need to get addicted to a woman who is not selfish not damaged all that love all those awesome things about you my man there's a lady out there who would die to have you on her arm

[FannyB]

The pressure of maintaining a BPD relationship outside of the honeymoon period means it's only worth considering going back if you resolve to walk away at the first sign of her 'antics' re-occurring. Few are strong enough to do that and most regret signing up for a rematch - according to the stories on these boards. 

[DyingLove]

Every time I break NC it leads to a flood of desperation from me anger , pleading and all the rest

And every time shes manages to hurt me with her silence or her cold indifferent responses don't do it my man

Stay strong and love you

She will not tell you what you want to hear

Bro I hear you I'm sitting in my flat looking at the lampshade we put up thinking what the heck happened I miss her every damm day

But she does not feel the same I am an insect to her she is chasing new supply I remember that and think well stufu then when I feel like emailing or whatever

Thanks Dobie.  Right you are.

I'm struggling now also thinking that maybe she didn't have BPD or maybe something else was the problem or this or that and this and that.  I mentioned in other posts how her friend says that she still loves me.  That doesn't sound BPD or does it.  But going from love to hate in one day does sound BPD. And promising me forever and only making 4 years also sounds suspicious of BPD.  But guilt and shame on my part keep making me doubt my senses.

Dying ,

You have seen my posts brother I understand more than most the confusion the need for answers , was it me ? Is she disordered ? Is it BPD ? Mild aspd PPD ?

Immaturity ? What did I do wrong ? What's wrong with me ?

I never had a problem with a gf falling out of love I never questioned a BU in my life there were reasons they made sense  .or been  so shocked at how cold , how indifferent how detached and unfeeling another human being can be to someone who loves them and was always there for them that's my struggle that's what lead me to this board .

These woman are not normal and not healthy look at the behaviours dying at the very least they are super selfish and self centred is that someone you think you deserve ?

My x told me she would never leave me how much she loves me how amazing blah blah blah all bs

She told me a week before we BU "she would kill herself if something happened to me "

A week later I've not loved you for over a year I love you but I'm not in love with you  

Its all so FU we can't make sense of crazy .

Your x is not normal I've read your threads bro she is damaged and she is causing you pain . she is an addiction but you need to get addicted to a woman who is not selfish not damaged all that love all those awesome things about you my man there's a lady out there who would die to have you on her arm

Thank you Dobie.  When I was in Fl. in the relationship, sometimes the ex would get so HARD on the 9yo, and I mean verbally bashing and bashing, I would have to stand there and watch and sometimes the kid would just start crying and crying and the way she did was so disturbing because she tried to be strong and then her face scrunched up and her lips got stiff and she slowly and gently bowed her head down and the intial cry started silently but kept so low and the tears just poured out like a hose.

This is exactly what how I cry too. She never copied it from me and I never copied it from her. But maybe we do the BPD cry. And I'm so tired of the hurt behind it.

[DyingLove]

Also Dobie, yes, the lies, but they weren't outright lies. They just became things that didn't matter. It's like "we are good, as long as we are good" and after that, all bets are off.

[simpleman]

Sorry to hear about your struggle Dying. I was in the same place about 3 days ago. So overwhelming.

Do you have a list of all the reasons the relationship was toxic and damaging for you?  I refer to and add to mine all the time.

Also piggybacking on what myself said about God has a plan, I wonder if it would help to add to that something like God has a plan for me to heal and become whole and I'm on my way!  I am always looking to put positive things in front of me wherever I can. It would be good for you and us to see that whenever you post. Also I don't know technically if this is possible but could you change your profile image from a heart with a hole in it to something more inspiring?  Just an idea that hit me after reading your post.

Take care and know that we are all here for you whenever you need.

[DyingLove]

Sorry to hear about your struggle Dying. I was in the same place about 3 days ago. So overwhelming.

Do you have a list of all the reasons the relationship was toxic and damaging for you?  I refer to and add to mine all the time.

Also piggybacking on what myself said about God has a plan, I wonder if it would help to add to that something like God has a plan for me to heal and become whole and I'm on my way!  I am always looking to put positive things in front of me wherever I can. It would be good for you and us to see that whenever you post. Also I don't know technically if this is possible but could you change your profile image from a heart with a hole in it to something more inspiring?  Just an idea that hit me after reading your post.

Take care and know that we are all here for you whenever you need.

Fanny, I know, why go back or even think about it.  It's such a twisted knot of emotions, confusion and nonsensical things.

Simpleman, Sorry you were there also. Overwhelming just isn't strong enuff a word!

I do have a list, pros about 15 and cons 95+ and counting.  I have to refer to it more though.  Good Idea about my profile. I just added to my signature, but didn't think about changing my avatar.  Thank you.

[Achaya]

DL, I think it is very safe for your ex to tell someone else besides you that she still loves you. She doesn't have to get close to you when she says that to her friend, and she doesn't have to deliver an emotional commitment thereafter. She might have put this information out there so that you would pick up the bait and approach her, rather than vice versa. That puts you back in the pursuer role, which gets really old and hurts after a while. It also might feel to her like she has less responsibility for what happens in the relationship if you got back on the roller coaster, knowing the risks.

I have reached out to my partner several times since she left me. It has been helpful to me, but only because my ex isn't waffling anymore. When I talk to her I get a strong message every time that "I love you and want you in my life but I am not in love with you anymore and don't want to be in a relationship with you." It hurts but it helps me to let go. If my ex were still interested in recycling, I would have a harder time.

The bottom line is, "Has anything changed that will allow our relationship to go better for me this time"? The mood and attitude my partner has towards me at this moment won't be enough to create structured change towards a specific improvement in the relationship. Her moods change on their own, and they don't ever head in a consistent direction.

[zundertowz]

Sorry to hear about your struggle Dying. I was in the same place about 3 days ago. So overwhelming.

Do you have a list of all the reasons the relationship was toxic and damaging for you?  I refer to and add to mine all the time.

Also piggybacking on what myself said about God has a plan, I wonder if it would help to add to that something like God has a plan for me to heal and become whole and I'm on my way!  I am always looking to put positive things in front of me wherever I can. It would be good for you and us to see that whenever you post. Also I don't know technically if this is possible but could you change your profile image from a heart with a hole in it to something more inspiring?  Just an idea that hit me after reading your post.

Take care and know that we are all here for you whenever you need.

Fanny, I know, why go back or even think about it.  It's such a twisted knot of emotions, confusion and nonsensical things.

It really is such a twisted feeling having these different waves of emotions toward your abuser... .I remember hating her during the end of the relationship and just wanting peace... .I still dont wanna be with her and dont really struggle with no contact but the memories are still constant both good and bad.  I just want to forget or the obsessive thinking to stop.

[Infared]

I understand what you guys are going through... .I had physical pain... .like withdrawel even... .

I cannot remember if yours cheated on you or not... .but mine did and was with the replacement... .

It was clear to me that this woman was harmful to me... .and I just kept trying to focus on the reality of the present moment (24hr period) and that it was not the fairy tale of the past... . That would stop me from contacting her.  I might as well have gotten a hammer and hit myself in the head... .contacting her would be even more painful.  I had to keep around my support group and people... .keep busy... .but also take time to grieve the loss.  I had to grieve the loss.  

I also had to have strict NC when she tried to contact me... .it was just like a sick fun game for her... .nothing else.  She had no clue whatsoever how I was suffering and she certainly didn't care to know.  When I really sat down and got real with the reality... .I just would not contact her.  It was definitely hard work... .but you guys can do it, too... .and love you... .That's what it amounts to ... .Do you love yourself? She does not.  I do not think pwBPD are capable of loving anyone in an adult manner. I am pretty sure that they are not.

[DyingLove]

DL, I think it is very safe for your ex to tell someone else besides you that she still loves you. She doesn't have to get close to you when she says that to her friend, and she doesn't have to deliver an emotional commitment thereafter. She might have put this information out there so that you would pick up the bait and approach her, rather than vice versa. That puts you back in the pursuer role, which gets really old and hurts after a while. It also might feel to her like she has less responsibility for what happens in the relationship if you got back on the roller coaster, knowing the risks.

I have reached out to my partner several times since she left me. It has been helpful to me, but only because my ex isn't waffling anymore. When I talk to her I get a strong message every time that "I love you and want you in my life but I am not in love with you anymore and don't want to be in a relationship with you." It hurts but it helps me to let go. If my ex were still interested in recycling, I would have a harder time.

The bottom line is, "Has anything changed that will allow our relationship to go better for me this time"? The mood and attitude my partner has towards me at this moment won't be enough to create structured change towards a specific improvement in the relationship. Her moods change on their own, and they don't ever head in a consistent direction.

Perceptive Achaya. Someone else said to me that maybe she was "reaching out" or putting out "feelers"  Seems very unlikely to me, but hey: I've been wrong right?  I have attempted to reach out, but fortunately I was shooting blanks and the reach outs didn't happen. Maybe someone is looking out for me!  But talking to her friend(s) I did mention that I love her still also.  I figure that couldn't hurt, and after all it was the truth at the time, and still is.  I don't know if anything has changed, but I'm gonna guess NO.  She was adament about not getting help while we were together. It's like history, if you don't remember the past, you are doomed to repeat it.  Believe me when I say that she NEVER EVER seemed to learn from her past. She passed the buck of her ex husbands on to me quite often. I had to remind her that she was talking to ME and not them.  It made her angry... .but I did get tired of being the welcome mat.

This is my observation. Tell me if I'm wrong or might be right:

Her mother is a control freak. Her brother and the ex are somehow codependent and in a very unhealthy way. Her brother had it in for me from the start, even before we me or I touched my foot down in Florida. His first remark, and this is exact, on FB, on a thread on MY WALL was: Well we don't know, this guy could be a piece of sh**!   Well I didn't like it, and his attitude never changed. He did take the $100 I gave him when he helped us move.  THere were further issues, one of which certainly broke the camels back.  BUT I always believed in life that people can fix their mistakes and no one is perfect. If you love someone, that's double why you would mend your relationship. Well it didn't happen.

The point I'm getting to is this: somewhere down the line, everyone is probably going to tire of her crap. After everyone tries to be her hero, it's gonna get old and she's gonna be in her own boat once again. maybe she'll get a replacement and maybe she won't, I dread the thought of that, and because of all this stuff with her mother and brother, I doubt she will have the strength or knowledge to break away and want to have a family pod of her own.  Thats another thing that got to me... .It wasn't US as a family, it was EVERYONE. So us as a pod didn't exist. Yes, I'm going to add this to my list.

[dobie]

Every time I break NC it leads to a flood of desperation from me anger , pleading and all the rest

And every time shes manages to hurt me with her silence or her cold indifferent responses don't do it my man

Stay strong and love you

She will not tell you what you want to hear

Bro I hear you I'm sitting in my flat looking at the lampshade we put up thinking what the heck happened I miss her every damm day

But she does not feel the same I am an insect to her she is chasing new supply I remember that and think well stufu then when I feel like emailing or whatever

Thanks Dobie.  Right you are.

I'm struggling now also thinking that maybe she didn't have BPD or maybe something else was the problem or this or that and this and that.  I mentioned in other posts how her friend says that she still loves me.  That doesn't sound BPD or does it.  But going from love to hate in one day does sound BPD. And promising me forever and only making 4 years also sounds suspicious of BPD.  But guilt and shame on my part keep making me doubt my senses.

Dying ,

You have seen my posts brother I understand more than most the confusion the need for answers , was it me ? Is she disordered ? Is it BPD ? Mild aspd PPD ?

Immaturity ? What did I do wrong ? What's wrong with me ?

I never had a problem with a gf falling out of love I never questioned a BU in my life there were reasons they made sense  .or been  so shocked at how cold , how indifferent how detached and unfeeling another human being can be to someone who loves them and was always there for them that's my struggle that's what lead me to this board .

These woman are not normal and not healthy look at the behaviours dying at the very least they are super selfish and self centred is that someone you think you deserve ?

My x told me she would never leave me how much she loves me how amazing blah blah blah all bs

She told me a week before we BU "she would kill herself if something happened to me "

A week later I've not loved you for over a year I love you but I'm not in love with you  

Its all so FU we can't make sense of crazy .

Your x is not normal I've read your threads bro she is damaged and she is causing you pain . she is an addiction but you need to get addicted to a woman who is not selfish not damaged all that love all those awesome things about you my man there's a lady out there who would die to have you on her arm

Thank you Dobie.  When I was in Fl. in the relationship, sometimes the ex would get so HARD on the 9yo, and I mean verbally bashing and bashing, I would have to stand there and watch and sometimes the kid would just start crying and crying and the way she did was so disturbing because she tried to be strong and then her face scrunched up and her lips got stiff and she slowly and gently bowed her head down and the intial cry started silently but kept so low and the tears just poured out like a hose.

This is exactly what how I cry too. She never copied it from me and I never copied it from her. But maybe we do the BPD cry. And I'm so tired of the hurt behind it.

Man that's horrible dying mine would rage at the poor dog that animal was a nervous wreck I really wish to God I'd never met that woman when I think back and how she devalued used and discarded me if she is not pd she is simply evil .

I think that's why I'm so conflicted is she evil and yes I use the term or is she sick

[Sunfl0wer]

#1.  What are you hoping to get out of breaking NC?

What is your desire?  What are you yearning for out of it?

#2.  If you imagine contact right now... .  What is the reality of what that looks like?

I'm not talking about you knowing that the r/s is doomed, or what it would look like in the next 5 years from now.  I mean, what would that look like, how would that actually/likely play out for this week?

Honestly, how do #1 and #2 match or don't match?



(There may be many luring ways that they DO match... .  likely the reason it is difficult... .idk, good to acknowledge?  Just curious, as this is what I play in my head... .however, being "out" of the r/s, I play through this scene with the understanding and objectivity of who he is... .then I realize... .that there is little reason to initiate... .then I feel the pain that I am avoiding... .I realize... .that I am wanting the love that I gave to him... .the unconditional selfless love... .  that he cannot give... .and I can stop myself from beating my head on that brick wall.  idk tho... .maybe different for you?)

[DyingLove]

I understand what you guys are going through... .I had physical pain... .like withdrawel even... .

I cannot remember if yours cheated on you or not... .but mine did and was with the replacement... .

It was clear to me that this woman was harmful to me... .and I just kept trying to focus on the reality of the present moment (24hr period) and that it was not the fairy tale of the past... . That would stop me from contacting her.  I might as well have gotten a hammer and hit myself in the head... .contacting her would be even more painful.  I had to keep around my support group and people... .keep busy... .but also take time to grieve the loss.  I had to grieve the loss.  

I also had to have strict NC when she tried to contact me... .it was just like a sick fun game for her... .nothing else.  She had no clue whatsoever how I was suffering and she certainly didn't care to know.  When I really sat down and got real with the reality... .I just would not contact her.  It was definitely hard work... .but you guys can do it, too... .and love you... .That's what it amounts to ... .Do you love yourself? She does not.  I do not think pwBPD are capable of loving anyone in an adult manner. I am pretty sure that they are not.

Me too! Pinched nerve that is only now starting to dissapate! So it lasted from the B/U til now, nearly two months!  It was easy to get sick, my immune system probably didn't work at all. I was like an emotional zombie when I got back to NY. Nearly falling apart.  Over the past couple of days, I'm just starting to sleep more normal again.  I didn't even sleep this good in Florida!  So another thing that tells me I'm on the right track.  I don't wanna think about replacements. Her and someone else is the most ugly thing I can think of.  It's definitely puke material.  As much as I need someone, I've still be faithful to her. So if one of us violates and takes a replacement, all bets are off again. It sickens me though.

[dobie]

Also Dobie, yes, the lies, but they weren't outright lies. They just became things that didn't matter. It's like "we are good, as long as we are good" and after that, all bets are off.

Man looking back I noticed such a lack of empathy such a cruel selfish side I remember one time I was so I'll and she got annoyed because I was making so much noise . I begged her to walk the dog as I had a temperature couldn't stand and she still had me do it

Intellectually bro these woman need to be avoided at ALL costs pd or not the trouble is for us is we have had our brains scrambled we have been part of an abusive r/s we have been loved bombed manipulated , cheated on lied to and discarded we also carry wounds that lead us to these woman in the first place

If you showed most guys the outcomes and behaviours of being with our xs they would run a hundred miles

We were damaged before we meet them they sensed that like sharks

My T told me the fact she hunted you down her relentless pursuit her infatuation her discarding of her x all these are big   I think he even used the word predatory ?

Never mind the fact she told me on the first date she should have left her x years ago didn't love him stopped fancying him after weeks but stayed with him for years as he was safe and she was doing her degree 

She even got him to invite me to her bday because she wanted me

Dumb young dobie just saw blonde hair big b%%%ies and a skinny waist and a girl who thought he was a living God and went yep nothing wrong there !

[ReclaimingMyLife]

STAY THE COURSE,  :)ying love,  STAY THE COURSE!  :)on't lose the days you've already accumulated.   If it feels this hard TODAY,  imagine how hard going back to day #1 will be.   Get to AT LEAST 60.   Our decision-making process is compromised during detox and is not to be trusted.   Trust us instead!   YOU CAN DO IT!   YOU ARE DOING IT!

So glad you reached out here.   An indicator of your already improved emotional health and well-being.   I am PROUD of you.   Beating back the devil (inside us,  not her)  is hard.   This isn't about her.   This is about you.   Loving you.   Respecting you.   Trusting you.   Fighting for you.

Here's a great,  easy,  effective trick.   Breathe thru your right nostril only for THREE minutes.   Set the timer.   It calms  us down.  I do it a lot.   You can do it as often as you need.  

Here's a link explaining it.   It doesn't mention three minutes but that is how I learned it and it works.   Left nostril breathing for calming in moments of panic or upset.   Right nostril breathing for energy and getting out of bed in the morning.  

www.grdhealth.com/yogameditation/leftnostril.php

Keep us posted.   Keep checking in as needed.  

You do not have to WANT N/C.   JUST DO IT!

You da man.   You can so do this!

[DyingLove]

#1.  What are you hoping to get out of breaking NC?

What is your desire?  What are you yearning for out of it?

It's obviously my fantasy. My imagination running wild. My desire would be having her in my arms, holding my hand, kissing and loving on me. Smiles, happiness, the scent of a lovely woman, watching her walk with her sexy self, spending time gazing into each others eyes while we both proclaim our "sorries" to each other as well as how we missed one another. Maybe jump into bed for a whole day or so before going out for dinner. AND being hungry and eating like we never ate before! (sounds good right?)

#2.  If you imagine contact right now... .  What is the reality of what that looks like?

As much as I want to lash out positively with a million I love yous as well as I missed you, In reality I want her to come to me. It doesn't mean anything if she doesn't take the first step. The reason for that is because I dropped my entire life to go to her.  I deserve her to come to me.

If I break N/C it can only go two ways, and most likely it will be negative, ugly, and no better than it was when we broke up.  Even if she like the fact that I contacted her, I can just see her go from smile to tears quickly and then to angry and arrogant. Lose lose situation.

Honestly, how do #1 and #2 match or don't match?

They really don't and can't match.


(There may be many luring ways that they DO match... .  likely the reason it is difficult... .idk, good to acknowledge?  Just curious, as this is what I play in my head... .however, being "out" of the r/s, I play through this scene with the understanding and objectivity of who he is... .then I realize... .that there is little reason to initiate... .then I feel the pain that I am avoiding... .I realize... .that I am wanting the love that I gave to him... .the unconditional selfless love... .  that he cannot give... .and I can stop myself from beating my head on that brick wall.  idk tho... .maybe different for you?)

You tell me after reading what you think.

[Mutt]

Intellectually bro these woman need to be avoided at ALL costs pd or not the trouble is for us is we have had our brains scrambled we have been part of an abusive r/s we have been loved bombed manipulated , cheated on lied to and discarded we also carry wounds that lead us to these woman in the first place

Hi dobie,

I think that's overgeneralizing. Some members do have life-long emotional wounds  ( me   ) that are soothed in the r/s with a pwBPD. I have also read accounts where members were going through a life event; a loved one passed or divorce and other members come from caregivers that were present in early development or don't have  FOO issues.

It's obviously my fantasy. My imagination running wild. My desire would be having her in my arms, holding my hand, kissing and loving on me. Smiles, happiness, the scent of a lovely woman, watching her walk with her sexy self, spending time gazing into each others eyes while we both proclaim our "sorries" to each other as well as how we missed one another. Maybe jump into bed for a whole day or so before going out for dinner. AND being hungry and eating like we never ate before! (sounds good right?)

Hi DyingLove,

I understand that this is fantasy   Do you also think that you may be holding unto the person that you first met in your courtship? The woman that idealized you? Is there a part of you that may wish that this person is going to return?

[dobie]

Intellectually bro these woman need to be avoided at ALL costs pd or not the trouble is for us is we have had our brains scrambled we have been part of an abusive r/s we have been loved bombed manipulated , cheated on lied to and discarded we also carry wounds that lead us to these woman in the first place

Hi dobie,

I think that's overgeneralizing. Some members do have life-long emotional wounds  ( me   ) that are soothed in the r/s with a pwBPD. I have also read accounts where members were going through a life event; a loved one passed or divorce and other members come from caregivers that were present in early development or don't have  FOO issues.

It's obviously my fantasy. My imagination running wild. My desire would be having her in my arms, holding my hand, kissing and loving on me. Smiles, happiness, the scent of a lovely woman, watching her walk with her sexy self, spending time gazing into each others eyes while we both proclaim our "sorries" to each other as well as how we missed one another. Maybe jump into bed for a whole day or so before going out for dinner. AND being hungry and eating like we never ate before! (sounds good right?)

Hi DyingLove,

I understand that this is fantasy   Do you also think that you may be holding unto the person that you first met in your courtship? The woman that idealized you? Is there a part of you that may wish that this person is going to return?

That's my damm black & white thinking mutt 

OK I will rephrase dobie has lifelong wounds 

[DyingLove]

STAY THE COURSE,  :)ying love,  STAY THE COURSE!  :)on't lose the days you've already accumulated.   If it feels this hard TODAY,  imagine how hard going back to day #1 will be.   Get to AT LEAST 60.   Our decision-making process is compromised during detox and is not to be trusted.   Trust us instead!   YOU CAN DO IT!   YOU ARE DOING IT!

So glad you reached out here.   An indicator of your already improved emotional health and well-being.   I am PROUD of you.   Beating back the devil (inside us,  not her)  is hard.   This isn't about her.   This is about you.   Loving you.   Respecting you.   Trusting you.   Fighting for you.

Here's a great,  easy,  effective trick.   Breathe thru your right nostril only for THREE minutes.   Set the timer.   It calms  us down.  I do it a lot.   You can do it as often as you need.  

Here's a link explaining it.   It doesn't mention three minutes but that is how I learned it and it works.   Left nostril breathing for calming in moments of panic or upset.   Right nostril breathing for energy and getting out of bed in the morning.  

www.grdhealth.com/yogameditation/leftnostril.php

Keep us posted.   Keep checking in as needed.  

You do not have to WANT N/C.   JUST DO IT!

You da man.   You can so do this!

Thank you Reclaiming. At this point I can safely say the urge if gone right now. You all know what that means, in 5 minutes the weather could change.  I actually feel, at the moment, that if I broke N/C, I would be letting you guys down.  I know it's important that I don't let myself down, but it may be good as FURTHER incentive. I do want to do this and I'm gonna make it... .I know I am.  She would have to knock on the door right now to make me feel different. (oh geez, the door could mean email or text etc.) But I know that ain't gonna happen.  I will try the nostril breathing, I don't deny or doubt anything that I haven't tried.

I will stay the course.  I will make it.  With support from all of you, how can I not! With everyone rooting for me I feel like a hero.  You guys and gals are all so great!  Love this place.

[DyingLove]

Intellectually bro these woman need to be avoided at ALL costs pd or not the trouble is for us is we have had our brains scrambled we have been part of an abusive r/s we have been loved bombed manipulated , cheated on lied to and discarded we also carry wounds that lead us to these woman in the first place

Hi dobie,

I think that's overgeneralizing. Some members do have life-long emotional wounds  ( me   ) that are soothed in the r/s with a pwBPD. I have also read accounts where members were going through a life event; a loved one passed or divorce and other members come from caregivers that were present in early development or don't have  FOO issues.

It's obviously my fantasy. My imagination running wild. My desire would be having her in my arms, holding my hand, kissing and loving on me. Smiles, happiness, the scent of a lovely woman, watching her walk with her sexy self, spending time gazing into each others eyes while we both proclaim our "sorries" to each other as well as how we missed one another. Maybe jump into bed for a whole day or so before going out for dinner. AND being hungry and eating like we never ate before! (sounds good right?)

Hi DyingLove,

I understand that this is fantasy   Do you also think that you may be holding unto the person that you first met in your courtship? The woman that idealized you? Is there a part of you that may wish that this person is going to return?

That's my damm black & white thinking mutt  

OK I will rephrase dobie has lifelong wounds  

Yes Mutt, I am holding on to her in the beginning. For 9 months we courted and met Oct 22, 2011. It was the most happiest time of my life. REALLY!  I miss that so so much. I more than wish she will return. Honestly, I think if I knew she would never leave again as well as never cheat, I might consider reuniting just out of the blue.  I could learn to work with her illness. But since FOREVER only lasted 4 years, I could not necessarily believe her comitment. NOW REALISTICALLY speaking, there would be numerous other red flags that would pop up... .so as I started packing the moving van again, I'm sure there would be at least 95 reasons to unload it. As much as the meeting in October was wonderful, she had a hissy fit that threw up a flag even back then. I paid no mind to it though.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi DyingLove,

I hear where you are coming from.  I spent the better half of the morning wondering how I could have just the part of him that I love, feel comforted by, feel appreciated by, feel adored by, etc.  (That sounds pretty selfish, honestly speaking)

I even wondered if there was a way just to pop in to appreciate one another physically, have sex, and run off!  Thinking to myself, heck, I'd settle for some fake intimacy with the mutual understanding that it is fake, and can be satisfied with the moment of passion.  It would be nice to just hook up with someone that I am familiar with physically.

I actually went through the scenario logistics in my head.  Would it be his place? Would it be my place?  A neutral place?

I tried to mentally rehearse a scenario that worked.  ... .just in case. ... .to eliminate my doubt.

Many others talk about how things wouldn't work long term... .  that we all know the result eventually.

However, I couldn't even work myself through a scenario that would make any sense just to be with him for this week!  Or even just one day as lovers or friends!

I have pictured us even doing something minor that HE likes.  Being each others company to watch a movie.

I KNOW that I could lure him into something... .which somehow leaves me in a state of "non closure."

However, whenever I mentally rehearse the reality... .it never adds up for me.  Knowing that it just doesn't add up for me, brings me some relief.  It makes me stop wondering.  It makes me feel like not pursuing him is MY choice... .as it is my choice.

IDK... .have you ever watched a commercial for pizza and were longing for pizza so badly that you actually got up and called for delivery?  Or went out and picked it up?  Well imagine that same commercial came on at 2am and all the delivery places are closed... .  How fast does your craving vanish when you know that it cannot be satiated? vs when delivery is open?

Truely knowing that there is no scenario that I can work out in my mind where things work out ok and satisfy any of my desires is what keeps me from having cravings for him.

I recognize that I have cravings for love, affection, acceptance, warmth etc.  However, I also see that these cravings are not congruent with being with him.

It makes me feel like if I ordered pizza to satisfy my craving and they brought me a vegan salad... .how pissed I would be!  Or would I call for pizza service from the greek salad restaurant?

I hope that makes sense.  I hope that helps someone.

[Mutt]

Yes Mutt, I am holding on to her in the beginning. For 9 months we courted and met Oct 22, 2011. It was the most happiest time of my life. REALLY!  I miss that so so much. I more than wish she will return.

Hi DyingLove,

I understand. I missed the woman that I had first met and recall when the r/s shifted and I wasn't the focus of attention. I didn't understand idealization in normal r/s and less so the idealization with a person with personality disorder traits. Over several years, I yearned and wished that the woman would come back. I thought this was the nice person that my wife was and at some point in our marriage we'll turn a corner and she'll come back. During her dissociative phase and affair that I was still clinging unto that hope, about a month or so when things were real bad and she was about to leave.

What I found helped is letting go of the ideal after the r/s ( same with if you are in the r/s ) that the person is going to return to a permanent idealization phase. There are two sides to a medallion? I can't excuse her bad behavior in our r/s and marriage after she had an affair and I think that things didn't work out for me because we didn't know each other and had different values; I discovered that well into the r/s and marriage.

[DyingLove]

Hi DyingLove,

I hear where you are coming from.  I spent the better half of the morning wondering how I could have just the part of him that I love, feel comforted by, feel appreciated by, feel adored by, etc.  (That sounds pretty selfish, honestly speaking)

I even wondered if there was a way just to pop in to appreciate one another physically, have sex, and run off!  Thinking to myself, heck, I'd settle for some fake intimacy with the mutual understanding that it is fake, and can be satisfied with the moment of passion.  It would be nice to just hook up with someone that I am familiar with physically.

I actually went through the scenario logistics in my head.  Would it be his place? Would it be my place?  A neutral place?

I tried to mentally rehearse a scenario that worked.  ... .just in case. ... .to eliminate my doubt.

Many others talk about how things wouldn't work long term... .  that we all know the result eventually.

However, I couldn't even work myself through a scenario that would make any sense just to be with him for this week!  Or even just one day as lovers or friends!

I have pictured us even doing something minor that HE likes.  Being each others company to watch a movie.

I KNOW that I could lure him into something... .which somehow leaves me in a state of "non closure."

However, whenever I mentally rehearse the reality... .it never adds up for me.  Knowing that it just doesn't add up for me, brings me some relief.  It makes me stop wondering.  It makes me feel like not pursuing him is MY choice... .as it is my choice.

IDK... .have you ever watched a commercial for pizza and were longing for pizza so badly that you actually got up and called for delivery?  Or went out and picked it up?  Well imagine that same commercial came on at 2am and all the delivery places are closed... .  How fast does your craving vanish when you know that it cannot be satiated? vs when delivery is open?

Truely knowing that there is no scenario that I can work out in my mind where things work out ok and satisfy any of my desires is what keeps me from having cravings for him.

I recognize that I have cravings for love, affection, acceptance, warmth etc.  However, I also see that these cravings are not congruent with being with him.

It makes me feel like if I ordered pizza to satisfy my craving and they brought me a vegan salad... .how pissed I would be!  Or would I call for pizza service from the greek salad restaurant?

I hope that makes sense.  I hope that helps someone.

Interesting way of putting it into perspective. In my case, lets see, 1400 miles to have a quickie?  Nah, I'd have to stay and have a "forever".  I would say that if she and I could somehow make it work, I would certainly be fine with staying faithful and only seeing each other physically maybe once every 4-6 months.  I know that by time that went into effect, I'd find a way for us to be together!

SEE WHAT I SAID!   I'd find a way to make it happen!  That makes me think and say: Why can't she find a way! Why do I have to do everything?

Forget the pizza.  It's either Popeyes chicken or a good burger or steak.  :-)

[ReclaimingMyLife]

At this point I can safely say the urge if gone right now. You all know what that means, in 5 minutes the weather could change.  I actually feel, at the moment, that if I broke N/C, I would be letting you guys down.  I know it's important that I don't let myself down, but it may be good as FURTHER incentive. I do want to do this and I'm gonna make it... .I know I am. 

With everyone rooting for me I feel like a hero. 

YEA for getting through the dicey temptation today!  And if the weather changes in five seconds, five minutes, or five days then write us again.  We are happy to hear and cheer you on through the rough spots.


Here's a secret:  You FEEL like a hero because YOU ARE A HERO!

[Sunfl0wer]

LOL!  idk... .too funny... .I need to regroup to respond to that one!

That is a loong way for a quickie!

[DyingLove]

At this point I can safely say the urge if gone right now. You all know what that means, in 5 minutes the weather could change.  I actually feel, at the moment, that if I broke N/C, I would be letting you guys down.  I know it's important that I don't let myself down, but it may be good as FURTHER incentive. I do want to do this and I'm gonna make it... .I know I am. 

With everyone rooting for me I feel like a hero. 

YEA for getting through the dicey temptation today!  And if the weather changes in five seconds, five minutes, or five days then write us again.  We are happy to hear and cheer you on through the rough spots.


Here's a secret:  You FEEL like a hero because YOU ARE A HERO!

Thanks Reclaiming.  I know that compliments in this world don't come easy, so I thank you for hero status. It does feel good, but you won't have to grease my head to get it thru the door!  LOL

When I was in Fl. the 9yo didn't cry or get upset unless she looked and saw she was bleeding or scratched etc.  Pain alone doesn't always make a child cry or react.  Unfortunately, we as members of a bad relationship don't need to see blood, the pain and anguish are plenty enuff to make us cry.

[DyingLove]

Yes Mutt, I am holding on to her in the beginning. For 9 months we courted and met Oct 22, 2011. It was the most happiest time of my life. REALLY!  I miss that so so much. I more than wish she will return.

Hi DyingLove,

I understand. I missed the woman that I had first met and recall when the r/s shifted and I wasn't the focus of attention. I didn't understand idealization in normal r/s and less so the idealization with a person with personality disorder traits. Over several years, I yearned and wished that the woman would come back. I thought this was the nice person that my wife was and at some point in our marriage we'll turn a corner and she'll come back. During her dissociative phase and affair that I was still clinging unto that hope, about a month or so when things were real bad and she was about to leave.

What I found helped is letting go of the ideal after the r/s ( same with if you are in the r/s ) that the person is going to return to a permanent idealization phase. There are two sides to a medallion? I can't excuse her bad behavior in our r/s and marriage after she had an affair and I think that things didn't work out for me because we didn't know each other and had different values; I discovered that well into the r/s and marriage.

Mutt, can you elaborate on the fact that you didn't know each other and had different values.

[Mutt]

Mutt, can you elaborate on the fact that you didn't know each other and had different values.

I rushed into things without getting to know her first  

We became intimate very quickly and she got pregnant and moved in within weeks.

[Sunfl0wer]

At this point I can safely say the urge if gone right now. You all know what that means, in 5 minutes the weather could change.  I actually feel, at the moment, that if I broke N/C, I would be letting you guys down.  I know it's important that I don't let myself down, but it may be good as FURTHER incentive. I do want to do this and I'm gonna make it... .I know I am.

Humm... .  I wish for you some intrinsic motivation as well.

IDK... .I guess I cannot make what works for me work for you.  I guess the trick is for you to figure out what works for you.

What about... .lets follow a line of thinking liken to pavlov's dog... .

I don't reach out, because I know, that it would be uncomfortable, painful ... .even in that moment of it.  (not in a year from now when it doesn't work, actually NOW)  For me, knowing that he does not have the same mind of commitment or love to me as I do to him, is enough hurt for me to imagine being in his presence... .that hurt is stronger than my desire... .for that "quickie."  (It was a really good 3 hours of intimacy that I imagined btw... .not a quickie! !)  Ok... .even knowing that he doesn't have that long term desire... .I do know that I would feel pained... .sneaking around as my son knows we are b/u and I wouldn't expose my son to that uncertainty or give him reason to think of me in a light that he would not respect of me... .if he caught ex at our house.  Or if I went to his place... .I'd be pained to view this apartment that he got without me... .symbolic of a life without me... .there is no way I could ignore that reality while in his place.  I would be in his place feeling like a "nothing" person in his life.  This doesn't make me want him!  This thought makes me know that I need to get this thought out of my mind as it seems so painful!

[FannyB]

I think all of us want the honeymoon period partner back as it was simply perfection - manufactured or not. I'm lucky that I don't need mine back as I am currently enjoying the nirvana of answering to no-one - and not rushing around like a blue-arsed fly (British analogy!) trying to keep her happy! 

[zundertowz]

I think all of us want the honeymoon period partner back as it was simply perfection - manufactured or not. I'm lucky that I don't need mine back as I am currently enjoying the nirvana of answering to no-one - and not rushing around like a blue-arsed fly (British analogy!) trying to keep her happy! 

Half the battle is being happy in your own skin and your own life... .I find myself being more depressed and anxious when im alone with nothing to do... .I prayed for peace and quiet and I certainly have it now... .I guess that makes me codependant.

[DyingLove]

So far, going by mental average (in my head), I don't think there is really one person that wants the R/S back. Maybe in thought, but certainly not in reality. Seems also that once we get over the sad and hard feelings (like me), we don't have the same urge to want them. We see more clearly after a cry or after a rant.  I like that.  I've hardly anyone physically to talk to on weekends, so it is definitely tough. Add to that a mind that runs around in the gutter by itself. A sure fire method to ruminate about what got us here in the first place.  Does it really take a special kind of person to STAY in a relationship with a pwBPD?  I mean, I know that I was in a R/S with one, we all were, but to stay in it and just "exist"?  Do these people eventually just try to ignore everything. Otherwise it would be like my R/S where I had to analyze and deal with every syllable that she uttered. That's how my life got put on the back burner. I don't think there would have been such a devaluing had she not brought up how she supports me and that I do nothing but play with my genitals all day (I put that in nicer words than she did). Yep she started getting really nasty at the end.  She even said that outside of walmart one day.  Was she angry and trying to get even in some way?

[DyingLove]

I think all of us want the honeymoon period partner back as it was simply perfection - manufactured or not. I'm lucky that I don't need mine back as I am currently enjoying the nirvana of answering to no-one - and not rushing around like a blue-arsed fly (British analogy!) trying to keep her happy! 

Half the battle is being happy in your own skin and your own life... .I find myself being more depressed and anxious when im alone with nothing to do... .I prayed for peace and quiet and I certainly have it now... .I guess that makes me codependant.

Yep, I seem to always do better with someone in my life.  But I don't pull the rug out from under them either.

[Infared]

Beneath your name and picture here it says 'God has a plan!'

Is it to remain in a toxic dance of push and pull, and pain?

Or to find the best way through by letting go and moving on?

Supposedly it comes down to 'free will', right?

So which direction do you choose? Which is better for you?

What's your plan? What are your healthiest possibilities?

This stuff can be difficult. Changing our patterns can be disorienting.

But once we find our balance the negativity can melt away.

Which includes living in the present, not the past. Create your own peace.

Than

I am choosing properly. I'm staying N/C. I just needed a verbal and emotional arse kicking from everyone. And I'm getting it. Thank you. I suffered panic attacks when I was in my 30's, over 25 years ago.  I don't get them anymore, I self healed thru understanding. But I know the feeling from the uncontrollable attacks, and the pain of hurting and wanting to break N/C is very comparable if not the same. It's the withdrawl of my exBPDdrug.  I understand how this is a learning event, because who in their right mind or wrong mind would want to relive and go thru this stuff again.  I'm sorry for all the people that recycle and go thru it again.

Wow... .you just reminded me that I suffered rough panic attacks for the first time in my life after my pwBPD ran off with the replacement.  1st time, I thought that I was having a heart attack!   I don't wish them on anyone. Brutal stuff... .hyperventilating... .whoa.

Glad to hear you were able to balance your life out in a was to get past that.  Funny... .as long as I stay away from my ex... .guess what?... .No more panic attacks!

I think Its great that you could talk about and work your way through the urges to make contact... .we all identify with you.  I think breaking away from that insanity was the hardest thing that I ever did in my life.  Keep moving forward... .It gets better!

[DyingLove]

Beneath your name and picture here it says 'God has a plan!'

Is it to remain in a toxic dance of push and pull, and pain?

Or to find the best way through by letting go and moving on?

Supposedly it comes down to 'free will', right?

So which direction do you choose? Which is better for you?

What's your plan? What are your healthiest possibilities?

This stuff can be difficult. Changing our patterns can be disorienting.

But once we find our balance the negativity can melt away.

Which includes living in the present, not the past. Create your own peace.

Than

I am choosing properly. I'm staying N/C. I just needed a verbal and emotional arse kicking from everyone. And I'm getting it. Thank you. I suffered panic attacks when I was in my 30's, over 25 years ago.  I don't get them anymore, I self healed thru understanding. But I know the feeling from the uncontrollable attacks, and the pain of hurting and wanting to break N/C is very comparable if not the same. It's the withdrawl of my exBPDdrug.  I understand how this is a learning event, because who in their right mind or wrong mind would want to relive and go thru this stuff again.  I'm sorry for all the people that recycle and go thru it again.

Wow... .you just reminded me that I suffered rough panic attacks for the first time in my life after my pwBPD ran off with the replacement.  1st time, I thought that I was having a heart attack!   I don't wish them on anyone. Brutal stuff... .hyperventilating... .whoa.

Glad to hear you were able to balance your life out in a was to get past that.  Funny... .as long as I stay away from my ex... .guess what?... .No more panic attacks!

I think Its great that you could talk about and work your way through the urges to make contact... .we all identify with you.  I think breaking away from that insanity was the hardest thing that I ever did in my life.  Keep moving forward... .It gets better!

Do you still get panic attack and suffer from anxiety?  If yes, I will turn you on to the book that cured me.

And thank you for your recognition in this issue.  I may be calm and over it for now, but the waves of uncontrollable emotional outbreaks are sad, scary or sickening, depending on whose eyes it's being seen.

[zundertowz]

I think all of us want the honeymoon period partner back as it was simply perfection - manufactured or not. I'm lucky that I don't need mine back as I am currently enjoying the nirvana of answering to no-one - and not rushing around like a blue-arsed fly (British analogy!) trying to keep her happy!  

Half the battle is being happy in your own skin and your own life... .I find myself being more depressed and anxious when im alone with nothing to do... .I prayed for peace and quiet and I certainly have it now... .I guess that makes me codependant.

Yep, I seem to always do better with someone in my life.  But I don't pull the rug out from under them either.

I think thats what makes n/c relatively simple for me... .i realize what im longing for is a healthy relationship not her... .if im honest with myself there were red flags everywhere and I ignored them.  But somewhere along the line I convinced myself that her and her 2 kids would be my family.  It was fun and exciting but did I think it would last... .not really ... .but I also never expected what I got.

[DyingLove]

I think all of us want the honeymoon period partner back as it was simply perfection - manufactured or not. I'm lucky that I don't need mine back as I am currently enjoying the nirvana of answering to no-one - and not rushing around like a blue-arsed fly (British analogy!) trying to keep her happy! 

Half the battle is being happy in your own skin and your own life... .I find myself being more depressed and anxious when im alone with nothing to do... .I prayed for peace and quiet and I certainly have it now... .I guess that makes me codependant.

You know the old saying: be careful what you ask for... .you just might get it!   LOL

I used to be such a happy productive person. It all changed.  In a word, we are violated!  Never to be the same ever again, and that is super sad.  When I was happy AND with someone, I was happy at times of solitude, but just the opposite, unhappy and alone = not so good!

[Sunfl0wer]

Seems also that once we get over the sad and hard feelings (like me), we don't have the same urge to want them. We see more clearly after a cry or after a rant

Possibly... .

Possibly a certain amount of grief needs to be purged: (good point)


From bpdfamily:

Acknowledgement: [Stage 1]: When we're dealing with a major loss or strong attachment, we begin our healing by acknowledging and working with our feelings. The feelings that are the stickiest aspects of attachment are:

the excited desire we feel when we want something,

the anxiety we feel about losing it, and

the sense of hopelessness that can arise when we fail to achieve it.

Acknowledgment doesn't just mean recognizing that we want something badly or that we're feeling loss. When you want something, feel how you want it—find the wanting feeling in your body.

Remember when you were feeling cocky about a victory and you beat your chest and said, "Me, me, me!"

Rather than pushing away the anxiety and fear of losing what you care about, let it come up and breathe into it the same way. And when you're experiencing the hopelessness of actual loss, allow it in.

Let yourself cry.

DyingLove:

I've hardly anyone physically to talk to on weekends, so it is definitely tough. Add to that a mind that runs around in the gutter by itself.

The feelings of isolation definitely gets to me. I feel that I deserve companionship! (Then I am reminded how isolated I felt with him the second half of the r/s)

Does it really take a special kind of person to STAY in a relationship with a pwBPD?  I mean, I know that I was in a R/S with one, we all were, but to stay in it and just "exist"?

For me... .

Being able to stay... .meant deceiving myself.  I was aware of this.  I choose to be true to me.  My choice led to him leaving.  As much as I do not want to accept this... .   

Thinking to myself... .

"He should have seen my strength in this... ."

"Good should prevail!"

"My ideals and truth benefitted him!"

I let things unfold more naturally.  (My persistence in the r/s was clearly separating us... .so shouldn't my release "help?" Do the opposite?)

I gave in... .to the idea of "forcing" it to work... .and just observed the result of me being the best/true/imperfect me , me accepting me, and see how that played out with us.

He left.  Now I need to continue to embrace me... .stop punishing me... .shaming me, etc.  Easier said than done.  Still lots of work for me in this area!

Do these people eventually just try to ignore everything.

I think for him... .I often only existed... .in r/s to him... .as he related to me... .not necessarily separate enough for healthy r/s.

[zundertowz]

I think all of us want the honeymoon period partner back as it was simply perfection - manufactured or not. I'm lucky that I don't need mine back as I am currently enjoying the nirvana of answering to no-one - and not rushing around like a blue-arsed fly (British analogy!) trying to keep her happy! 

Half the battle is being happy in your own skin and your own life... .I find myself being more depressed and anxious when im alone with nothing to do... .I prayed for peace and quiet and I certainly have it now... .I guess that makes me codependant.

You know the old saying: be careful what you ask for... .you just might get it!   LOL

I used to be such a happy productive person. It all changed.  In a word, we are violated!  Never to be the same ever again, and that is super sad.  When I was happy AND with someone, I was happy at times of solitude, but just the opposite, unhappy and alone = not so good!

Dont get me wrong I would never go back to that kind of relationship ever again... .but I find myself in the aftermath very anxious, depressed, and alone.  Maybe im co dependant, maybe I have PTSD I dunno.

[DyingLove]

There is a movie. Very Funny. It's called THE END. Staring Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise.

Anyway, the way we need help, depending on the how we perceive our situation at the given time, Burt Reynolds bargains with God as he tries to swim to shore. He starts with 100% and dwindles down to nothing.  I think you'll get the idea watching the segment.  I recommend the movie to watch in whole as it is so very funny.

I think something written by someone in this thread made me think of it.  This is the second or third time recently I thought of this movie.  I gotta watch it too.

[Infared]

Beneath your name and picture here it says 'God has a plan!'

Is it to remain in a toxic dance of push and pull, and pain?

Or to find the best way through by letting go and moving on?

Supposedly it comes down to 'free will', right?

So which direction do you choose? Which is better for you?

What's your plan? What are your healthiest possibilities?

This stuff can be difficult. Changing our patterns can be disorienting.

But once we find our balance the negativity can melt away.

Which includes living in the present, not the past. Create your own peace.

Than

I am choosing properly. I'm staying N/C. I just needed a verbal and emotional arse kicking from everyone. And I'm getting it. Thank you. I suffered panic attacks when I was in my 30's, over 25 years ago.  I don't get them anymore, I self healed thru understanding. But I know the feeling from the uncontrollable attacks, and the pain of hurting and wanting to break N/C is very comparable if not the same. It's the withdrawl of my exBPDdrug.  I understand how this is a learning event, because who in their right mind or wrong mind would want to relive and go thru this stuff again.  I'm sorry for all the people that recycle and go thru it again.

Wow... .you just reminded me that I suffered rough panic attacks for the first time in my life after my pwBPD ran off with the replacement.  1st time, I thought that I was having a heart attack!   I don't wish them on anyone. Brutal stuff... .hyperventilating... .whoa.

Glad to hear you were able to balance your life out in a was to get past that.  Funny... .as long as I stay away from my ex... .guess what?... .No more panic attacks!

I think Its great that you could talk about and work your way through the urges to make contact... .we all identify with you.  I think breaking away from that insanity was the hardest thing that I ever did in my life.  Keep moving forward... .It gets better!

Do you still get panic attack and suffer from anxiety?  If yes, I will turn you on to the book that cured me.

And thank you for your recognition in this issue.  I may be calm and over it for now, but the waves of uncontrollable emotional outbreaks are sad, scary or sickening, depending on whose eyes it's being seen.

Thanks for the offer dying, but I don't seem to have such huge emotional swings now.  The devastation of that breakup caused me deep depression and the anxiety was new to me... .it was horrible.  The panic attacks would just come on out of seemingly nowhere... .I would just be going through my day and all of a sudden wham I would start to hyperventilate and have so much anxiety I thought I was going to explode. The first one was really really scary. I just didn't know what was going on.  Phew! ... .just thinking about it is upsetting. I don't want that experience ever again. I just have to be careful and make better choices in life. We all do!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey Infared,

Thanks for the offer dying, but I don't seem to have such huge emotional swings now.  The devastation of that breakup caused me deep depression and the anxiety was new to me... .it was horrible.  The panic attacks would just come on out of seemingly nowhere... .I would just be going through my day and all of a sudden wham I would start to hyperventilate and have so much anxiety I thought I was going to explode. The first one was really really scary. I just didn't know what was going on.  Phew! ... .just thinking about it is upsetting. I don't want that experience ever again. I just have to be careful and make better choices in life. We all do!

Would you mind sharing what you did do to overcome this?

(I have had panic attacks, of a diff nature, however, what you describe is more parallel to a friend, who I have trouble relating my experience to a bit as the nature of his attacks are diff than mine have been.  Unless this is triggering... .certainly nm if triggering)

[DyingLove]

Hey Infared,

Thanks for the offer dying, but I don't seem to have such huge emotional swings now.  The devastation of that breakup caused me deep depression and the anxiety was new to me... .it was horrible.  The panic attacks would just come on out of seemingly nowhere... .I would just be going through my day and all of a sudden wham I would start to hyperventilate and have so much anxiety I thought I was going to explode. The first one was really really scary. I just didn't know what was going on.  Phew! ... .just thinking about it is upsetting. I don't want that experience ever again. I just have to be careful and make better choices in life. We all do!

Would you mind sharing what you did do to overcome this?

(I have had panic attacks, of a diff nature, however, what you describe is more parallel to a friend, who I have trouble relating my experience to a bit as the nature of his attacks are diff than mine have been.  Unless this is triggering... .certainly nm if triggering)

The book is HOPE AND HELP FOR YOUR NERVES, by Claire Weekes.

She has a series of books, maybe 3 in total, and they all intertwine with each other, but this is the one that litterally cured me.  I kid you not.  Need more info anyone, just PM me.  :-)

[an0ught]

Lively discussion  Doing the right thing

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