While work and studies are important, so is our marriage.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has been extremely busy with her work and with her studies. She seems to be happy with all of this busy-ness all the time. She seems almost to the point of being obsessive about it all. Due to all this busy-ness of hers, she rarely will ask about my day. She rarely will even make eye contact. Maybe, once or twice a week if I am lucky, she will introduce the idea of walking around the neighborhood for about 30 minutes max, but only to almost exclusively talk about her stuff. If I were to suggest we walk or even go on a date, that would be negated by her saying that she is so busy. During her one or two days that she is not working or at the university, she remains in her room almost exclusively. Thus, I go out, go to movies, go out of town, and meet with friends. She prefers me to be away from our home then so that she can concentrate. She even sits in my more comfortable chair and desk area while I am away.

So, she has gone from being very verbally abusive to seemingly being happy with all of her busy-ness, thus neglecting me and neglecting our relationship. Granted, she will cook some meals for us, but again, she prefers being so focused. It almost seems that she is afraid of being close, and that her only true joy comes from her busy-ness and yes even complaining that she is so busy or too busy.

To top it all off, she has not once apologized for all of her verbal abuse in the past. It is like she never did any of her negative, toxic talk. This truly hurts. If I bring it up, I will be confronted with chaos. It has happened beforehand, and it would happen again, if I were to bring up her verbal abuse at home and even getting a co-worker to be a part of her negative, toxic talk. BTW, I have only been loving, caring, and supportive of her, and I have never deserved any of her behavior or talk.

So, while it is important for her to be happy, it is important also that the two of us are happy. She has even said that if one person in a marriage is not happy, it is not a happy marriage. I am not happy. She tells me that she cannot be everything to everyone. I don't expect her to give me her attention 100% of the time, but it sure would be nice to have more of a balanced relationship in which we understand that while work and studies are important, so is our marriage.

[OnceConfused]

what do you think or need her to do to keep you happy?

These are the types of questions you need to ponder and ask her. Being a spouse you have the right to ask or demand it?. That is a part of the monogamous agreement we are all in.

My philosophy has become quite simple. That is , don't try to change others to fit you, like trying to put a square peg into a round hole, because in the end BOTH WILL BE DAMAGED. If both sides cannot come half way, then why waste your productive years being UNHAPPY. Life is too short for that.

DOn't live LIFE with REGRETS. 

[OnceConfused]

Yesterday, I heard this advice from a commencement speaker, Kirk Perry of Google.

Live with your eulogy and not your resume.

WHen you die, people don't write eulogy about how much money you made, how much land you had but about how many lives have you touched and changed.

[cosmonaut]

It almost seems that she is afraid of being close, and that her only true joy comes from her busy-ness and yes even complaining that she is so busy or too busy.

I think this is very insightful, Samuel.  It is emotional intimacy that is triggering for pwBPD.  This is what contributes to the push/pull of the relationship.  Is your wife willing to talk about that fear at all?  Or is this something that is too painful to even talk about (as it was with my ex much of the time)?

[Samuel S.]

OnceConfused, I have discussed with her many times about how we both can be happy independently as well as together. She retorts with the fact that if she is happy, we can both be happy. She will not listen or compromise. It is her way or no way only. She has been influenced heavily by a quasi medium counselor. Positively with focusing on her needs. Negatively, because my BPDw has become obsessive with no other focus than her work, studies, and also being verbally abusive and neglectful. When I defend myself, she just finds other things to push in the dagger into my chest based on her mood, if you will.

So, for me to relate to her what makes me happy is taken in with one breath and discarded with the next. So, I really don't share with her much. The only things she wants from me are the money I earn to help pay the bills, for her to complain about a lot of things, and for her to have me be a way to either be verbally abused or neglected.

OnceConfused, you are right that for me to be in this marriage is counterproductive for my wellbeing. Yet, there are several things blocking me. First, I feel that it is my fault she has done a complete 180, although I have always treated her with love, respect, and support. So, I really am punishing myself for not trying harder. Secondly, I financially can't afford to leave. So much money is locked up in this marriage. Divorcing her would be like committing financial suicide. So, for the last couple of months, I have played the lottery and taking in more jobs to fill in the time and to try to save some money. If I get enough and if I am emotionally not drained out by then, I will leave.

Cosmonaut, she is unable to discuss her fear of closeness, but she will easily complain, instead. You see, since her oldest daughter died some 16 years ago, closeness is very difficult for her, even with her own mother.

The saving grace and balance for me is my connections to the outside world of teaching, tutoring, writing, and movies. BTW, I just saw "The Age of Adaline", and a major theme is closeness.  I only wish she would have seen it with me, but she is too busy closeness.

[Samuel S.]

To make things worse, my adult daughter and her then fiance had gone through a horrible time with my BPDw. After my BPDw learned about his horrible past of physical abuse and its emotional ramifications, she used that information to slowly but surely create a major wedge between my daughter, her then fiance and me. It took a long time for me to realize this, and I apologized so very much so to my daughter and her then fiance. As a result, they don't want to see her, and that's perfectly fine with them and with me. I have seen them numerous times during the last 5 years.

In recent years, my daughter and her now husband have some major medical expenses. They have a new daughter, and he had a surgery to remove an aneurysm from his brain which the doctor says will grow back. Thus, another surgery will be needed. Their portion is like $100,000.

So, under the circumstances, they both have jobs, and I guess they are managing okay. It just means they need to work.

Now that they have a new daughter, they and I have agreed that I will visit them. We agreed for this coming August, but based on their schedule and mine, I would only be able to see them for a weekend which I totally understand. I am disappointed, but they have their bills to pay.

With all that being said, my BPDw again and I stress again is trying to create another wedge between them and me. She said last night: "I don't know. There's something wrong there. After all, you're her father." I retorted with: "They have their expenses to consider along with wanting to see me."

This is just another example of how she is trying to divide us again, even though she is fully aware of their circumstances. I don't believe her or trust her at all. To believe what she is saying, I am to continue living with her verbal abuse and neglect. I am reminded of Shakespeare's "Othello" where the character Iago creates a significant amount of doubt. Well, my BPDw is like Iago.

I am continuously put on the defensive. It is very tiring. To top it all off, she conveniently forgets that she was the one who created the wedge in the first place.

[OnceConfused]

If your daughter is your own then you should not let your wife put a wedge between you and your D. Just hearing your wife but not listening to what she says.

If the love has died for you and the only thing that stops you from leaving is the FINANCE, then you need to have an exit strategy.

1. Look at the finances. See if you can begin to put away money into a safe place where you are the only one knows. Set a tartget $, when you think you can get out.  Of course, whatever the joint assets (in joint names) you will have to split it.

Again, you have to live by your principles, be it rich or poor, so that you can have a fulfilled life without regrets.

Think about this, Is financial suicide better than living in a world of unhappiness, of constantly looking over your shoulders?

[Samuel S.]

I am making an exit strategy, because there are times when it is too much around here. I am looking at the finances, and the impact that I am going to have to confront. I am not trying to be rich or poor, but I need to feel that a place where I can dwell is going to be peaceful without surges of verbal abuse.

The last couple of days, my BPDw has been out of town doing her studies. She reports in the evening about her day, the stress of this class and the stress of that class, but her tone of voice is such that she seems calmer and is willing to ask me what my day was like, unlike when she is around here, that that is the last thing she is willing to ask or to even hear about.

Tonight when she called, she did the normal talk about the stress of her finals and how she is now getting stressed for the classes that she has to take during the summer. I listened to her and reminded her that she has friends who have taken the classes that she will be taking. Then, she said the most peculiar thing: "when I get home, I will behave." Those were her exact words. Needless to say, it is hard to believe her or to trust her, because all she needs to do is to be a bad mood or feel "superior". Then, she will make some degrading, verbally abusive comment. When she was back during this last weekend, without fail, she made degrading, verbally abusive comments and tried to undermine my relationship with my daughter - again. So, I suppose she might have reflected about what she had said. I don't know. Even if she thinks she is going to behave, it sounds like she is in grade school needing to behave or to get in trouble. She won't get in trouble with me, because I do not and will not ever hurt her in any way, but I certainly don't like what she says.

So, looking at my future of emotional stability is much saner than what I am experiencing now.

[Samuel S.]

I forgot to mention that it took me a better part of 2 days to get over the degrading, verbal abuse by being around people who are sane. I was really feeling down, depressed, because I couldn't believe that I could let myself be abused like that, that the wife of my dreams could be the wife of my nightmares, instead. In fact, I had felt smaller than a piece of sand, being insignificant, because she continuously would be abusive and neglectful. I now feel somewhat refreshed, but I just have to stay away from her when she is around, because I deserve better than the abuse and the neglect that I have suffered. Also, when school is over in about 2 weeks, I am going back into counseling.

[Samuel S.]

Considering how my BPDw is and making plans to move out, when someone treats me with kindness, it means so much more. I am not involved with anyone else. I am just talking about people being decent. I have had 2 examples of this recently. First, I was in a mall, and a young lady came up to me and remarked that she appreciated that I have been nice to her when I have been in her restaurant, that it has meant a lot to her. Secondly, I needed to call my health company regarding refilling a prescription. It took some time to do over the phone, but she finally was able to help me. Such random acts of kindness, whether it is job-related or not, go far ahead of my BPDw. In other words, there are kind people out there. I just wonder why I was fooled so immensely and so overwhelmingly by her; however, I guess all of us on this website were under this same illusion unfortunately.

[OnceConfused]

Samuel.

Similarly, in my case, when I met Xbgpgf, I was 49 yrs old, w 3 young Ds, lost my wife about 12 months prior to a car accident. Shortlly after xBPDgf and I became intimate, the onslaught of abuses began.

Within 3 weeks, she stomped out of my car because i was sharing with her my family's feeling about losing a wife, and a mom. She complained that I was not finished with my 1st wife (guess what, at the same time xbpgf were still in the last moment with her xbf). I thought it was bizarre, but ignored it as red flag.

Then one day as we were eating some soup, she scolded me for eating soup too loudly and if I ever did it again, she would sit at different table. Here I was at the good age of 49, successful businessman, being scolded like a child.

WHen she kept on bringing up that her xhusband wanted their daughter to go to Harvard, to which I commented that her D's education is the parent's responsibility not mine as I also had 3 college education to worry about. (Mine were all instate public college, not Harvard's pricing). Guess what, every other week, she would recall that and broke up with me because she believed I wanted to separate her and her D. It was crazy seeing someone bringing up the same conversation every week and putting the guilt trip on you.

Then one day I invite her to dinner with my children and some friends as a way to let them to know each other. Guess what , despite my reminder call 1/2 hour prior, she purposely showed up 1 hours late, when we were already ordered and began to eat. So her interaction with my children was so minimal.

One other time, we were in Toronto to visit with one of my old friends from highschool. Shortly after talking with my friend's wife , whom I also knew quite well, xbpgf began to make NEGATIVE comments about her.

Well, Samuel, all of those actions/comments were part of BPD's strategy to isolate systematically the NONs from our support system. I became so confused after about 8 weeks of knowing this woman. Well, it must be a divine intervention as one day I was in my office, simply scrolling through the HR page and found a link for some psychological help for 6 sessions as a part of our benefits. Curiously, I made the call and was referred to a local psychologist. It must be fate as this psychologist dealt with BPD in her very first case out of college so she recognized right away, and simply (gently) told me that this was a very high risk relationship. AFter several meeting she dropped the word, BPD. WIth that , I began my search for BPD and came to this web site along with "Stop walking on Eggshells". I then knew that I was way deep over my head and so began the exit strategy. Unlike you who has your life entertwined with BPD as spouses, my case was more about having or mustering enough courage to leave. It took me almost 1 mont of meditating, of listening to motivational tape before I can have the COURAGE to say good bye to her.

I must say my life has been worderful for the past 6 years as after that, I met my now wife who is what the xBPDgf was not. The moral of my story is there is the sun out there, behind that dark cloud, we cannot stop in the forest and must kept on walking.

[Samuel S.]

I am retired for the last 13 years, but I am only semi-retired, seeing that I enjoy teaching and not tutoring, but not full time. It also supplements my income and hope to save enough money to leave my BPDw. I also have given workshops to families and teachers to help them.

So, yesterday was a full day of teaching, tutoring, and giving a family workshop to 3 different families at 1 home. That workshop was very interactive, inspirational, revealing, and fun for all. In the meantime, my BPDw was working out of town. She and I got a message from her D18 that she is going to be working with a professor during the summer on an engineering project which is awesome! So, yesterday was great in these respects!

Once my BPDw returned from work rather late and once I returned from the family workshop, it was shortly thereafter that she brought up how she reacted to the fact that I praised her D18 for getting that job during the summer. She brought up the issue about my son-in-law who had been abused, how he seemed to be too close to her D18 when he was around her. In the past, we had many arguments about that, but I figured eventually that she might have been right. So, we got past that, at least for a while. Then, she brought it up again last night.

Now that he is married to my D41, the 2 of them have 2 kids. My BPDw says that her medium-counselor is protecting their 2 kids from him. Also, seeing that my BPDw's D18 heard the 2 of us arguing, that her D18 responded to my praise of her with doubt.

BTW, she was abused when she was younger. Even though she has had so-called therapy, she is still abusive which never wishes to acknowledge.

Well, bottom line, I had a great day yesterday. Her D18 appreciated my praising her job. Also, my BPDw was tired and does not like me being able to do things that I really enjoy. She is jealous. All the joy is supposedly what she gets and not what we both get.

After she said all that, she gave me a light kiss and left my bedroom, and I washed away all of her toxicity. This and everything else is why I am going to leave her.

[Samuel S.]

While I did some tutoring today which abled me to focus on what I needed to do, I could not help but think about my BPDw's comments about how when I needed to talk with her now D18 but was only about 6 when she needed to be disciplined. My BPDw mentioned that her then D6 didn't understand why I talked with her when she was really acting very badly, essentially being very snotty and very mean towards me which was totally uncalled for. I have always treated humanely. Now, years later, my BPDw reveals that due to that one incident which was one of maybe two totally, that her now D18 doesn't trust me, etc. In the meantime, her D18 has told me on her own that she loves me, that she appreciates everything that I have done for her and what I am doing for her. You see, I am paying a good portion of her college tuition.

So, with this current verbal, emotional abuse along with all of the other verbal, emotional abuse, I am at the bottom of the barrel. I am a loving, caring, sincere, generous guy who will give the shirt off my back for the next person without questions. Also, I don't like the thoughts I have for myself as to what I am going to do to myself in order to get out of this relationship, but I will never hurt anyone else including my BPDw. I am sorry I am being so blunt, but I have just about had it now.

[Samuel S.]

I am feeling better today, because I got out of the house and left my BPDw so that she could do her studies. I went to a nearby town to go to a movie and to do some errands. When I got back, she went to the gym. When she returned, she was cordial, but returned to her studies after she ate dinner with me.

What gets me and I have read this with other nonBPDs on this website, that my BPDw will blurt out verbal abuse when she is in a bad mood. Then, she will completely not refer to it at all, thus leaving me with the baggage of her negativity. When I compound all of the verbal abuse that she has inflicted onto me without once ever apologizing, I am left with the baggage of her negativity, fear, distrust, and anger against her. This is why I don't share much of my life with her. I should be able to feel comfortable expressing my joys and my frustrations about what is going on in my life, but I know her too well. She will use anything that I say as a way to jab the needle in that much more. BTW, seeing that she is studying acupuncture, she freely refers to applying needles to people as "cooking" them. She has never once referred to this procedure as being respectful to the patients. That's why I am hesitant to be one of her patients, and I feel bad for any of her patients, especially if she is in a bad mood. She could literally create a lot of damage and health issues.

[OnceConfused]

Samuel:

I felt the same way with my xBPDgf about trusting her. I was so afraid of giving her more things to get upset so I tried not to reveal any feelings , only talked about surface stuffs, nothing deep and meaningful. If I shared my thoughts , she would latch on to something minor in the talk and made a big thing out of it. It was so hard to breathe.