Does she miss me ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

Thanks infrared I need to repeats that as my mantra

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER , SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER !

Yes... .we keep wanting and hoping for something normal from a very damaged person. The idealization phase (mine was almost 5 years long), was a childish fantasy for them. Infatuation. Nothing adult, deep or real. Just a fantasy to fill their needs. It was not healthy adult love. ... .but we keep hoping it was because it was so wonderful for us.

Very hard to get over when their "little bubble" for us pops! It hurts like hell buddy... .but we have to see our needy part in it... .heal and move forward... .Baby steps is ok... .and healthy... .but move forward we must.

That's the rub the infatuation fills what's missing in us its a balm and it feels so strong we can't image our xBPD s/o would ever leave or hurt us it just seems unthinkable and when it starts to wane we don't realise its not coming back it might start and stutter but the trust they had is gone the dream of us is gone and when morning comes they can't move forward to face the dawn so they leave .

Hey... .in my case she went out behind my back and got into full-on "new hero" relationship and used that to devalue me. (denying that there was another).

Really sic stuff. She could not be alone for a minute. The discarding of our relationship was extremely abrupt, and 2 weeks before Christmas.  

Only a really sick person does stuff like that.    Normal adults do not.  

... .but... .it still is very, very painful to the non... .and it takes a lot of time to accept the actual truth... .mourn the loss and love you.  It takes time and work. I could not do it alone... .I needed a T, a support group and a lot of hard work to grow... . it is not for the weak.

I have to add... .that having any contact with that person... .ANY... .even through other people... .was poison for me.  There was no explaining the behavior in a rational way and I kept looking for that and it just it not possible.

I'm truly sorry for you infrared I've read your posts and what she did was inhumane bro .

Mines eyes were wandering looking back , she only needs someone for her to soothe could be anyone I'm sure she has a chump she is using to fill her needs and to forget me even further .

I honestly feel like I never knew this person or rather I did but I ignored her less than savoury side .  I'm seeing a T we don't have support groups in the UK that I know off so these boards fill that place  

Its so hard to accept that the person you thought loved you to pieces and would never leave was actually telling you what you wanted to hear while in their head they were thinking otherwise .

It has destroyed my trust completely

[dobie]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

Thanks infrared I need to repeats that as my mantra

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER , SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER !

Yes... .we keep wanting and hoping for something normal from a very damaged person. The idealization phase (mine was almost 5 years long), was a childish fantasy for them. Infatuation. Nothing adult, deep or real. Just a fantasy to fill their needs. It was not healthy adult love. ... .but we keep hoping it was because it was so wonderful for us.

Very hard to get over when their "little bubble" for us pops! It hurts like hell buddy... .but we have to see our needy part in it... .heal and move forward... .Baby steps is ok... .and healthy... .but move forward we must.

That's the rub the infatuation fills what's missing in us its a balm and it feels so strong we can't image our xBPD s/o would ever leave or hurt us it just seems unthinkable and when it starts to wane we don't realise its not coming back it might start and stutter but the trust they had is gone the dream of us is gone and when morning comes they can't move forward to face the dawn so they leave .

Hey... .in my case she went out behind my back and got into full-on "new hero" relationship and used that to devalue me. (denying that there was another).

Really sic stuff. She could not be alone for a minute. The discarding of our relationship was extremely abrupt, and 2 weeks before Christmas.  

Only a really sick person does stuff like that.    Normal adults do not.  

... .but... .it still is very, very painful to the non... .and it takes a lot of time to accept the actual truth... .mourn the loss and love you.  It takes time and work. I could not do it alone... .I needed a T, a support group and a lot of hard work to grow... . it is not for the weak.

I have to add... .that having any contact with that person... .ANY... .even through other people... .was poison for me.  There was no explaining the behavior in a rational way and I kept looking for that and it just it not possible.

I'm truly sorry for you infrared I've read your posts and what she did was inhumane bro .

Mines eyes were wandering looking back , she only needs someone for her to soothe could be anyone I'm sure she has a chump she is using to fill her needs and to forget me even further .

I honestly feel like I never knew this person or rather I did but I ignored her less than savoury side .  I'm seeing a T we don't have support groups in the UK that I know off so these boards fill that place  

Its so hard to accept that the person you thought loved you to pieces and would never leave was actually telling you what you wanted to hear while in their head they were thinking otherwise .

It has destroyed my trust completely

[Infared]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

[Deeno02]

Nope. Mine could care less of my existence. Shes done what she needed to do. Her kids wont talk to me, other Volleyball parents wont sit near me, so no. She doesnt miss anything about me. Im another mean guy

[valet]

Yeah, personally I don't think that my ex 'misses' me, per se. She has been very responsive to the contact efforts that I've made thus far, however.

I don't really miss her, to be honest.

To be fair, I generally don't miss anyone, not really even my closest friends. That doesn't mean that I forget about them, just not that I'm going to agonize over something that is silly to be bothered about. No one is going anywhere, especially not my good pals. I'd rather enjoy the present moment.

[dobie]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

Man I long for that freedom ! I'm going to start back in the gym soon need to find plenty of hobbies to keep me busy , I think that's the problem I have nothing to fill my time with but ruminations .

Funny another thing hit me today and that's she used to get very irritable if I had to go away for work or to see family for more than a day it was like she could not cope without me bring near by (object permamance )

Her need to rage , pick fights now are her engulfment fears so she could get space

Her worries I did not smile when I picked her up , her worry about me not keeping my job to pay the mortgage or we would break up in the future so she wanted a pre nupp , her paranoid thoughts on my day off I might be screwing other girls . her coming of the joint bank account to see what monies I had spent (worry is was other girls )

Her irritation I went for drinks with my old female boss after work and her fear I fancied her .

Man I can start to really see the pieces coming into play now of the jigsaw .

[DyingLove]

I do not know the answer to this question.  I don't even think that I want to think about it (regarding myself).

What I would like to believe is this:  If she misses me, why isn't she calling or emailing or at my door or using her "smarts" to figure out how to reach me?

Sometimes I just want to forget the BPD, I don't wanna think about the twist that it puts on the ball.  I want to see her as a normal woman.  She acted, for the most part, like a normal woman and she approached me like a normal woman. So why shouldn't I continue to see her as such?

We all make mistakes, right? But a pwBPD will hold that mistake over our head forever. Do we hold BPD over their heads the same way?  I think we try to be sympathetic to the illness, but are they sympathetic to our mistakes? Probably not.

So if she didn't have BPD and acted identically to what has happened, how would I react? What would I say?  Would I just say she was a jerk or something? Would getting over them be easier?

[Infared]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

Man I long for that freedom ! I'm going to start back in the gym soon need to find plenty of hobbies to keep me busy , I think that's the problem I have nothing to fill my time with but ruminations .

Funny another thing hit me today and that's she used to get very irritable if I had to go away for work or to see family for more than a day it was like she could not cope without me bring near by (object permamance )

Her need to rage , pick fights now are her engulfment fears so she could get space

Her worries I did not smile when I picked her up , her worry about me not keeping my job to pay the mortgage or we would break up in the future so she wanted a pre nupp , her paranoid thoughts on my day off I might be screwing other girls . her coming of the joint bank account to see what monies I had spent (worry is was other girls )

Her irritation I went for drinks with my old female boss after work and her fear I fancied her .

Man I can start to really see the pieces coming into play now of the jigsaw .

Dobie... .no... .no... .I said gratitude list... .not renumeration list... .LMAOFOTF... .    

This is what we MUST do to move away from... .try to fill our time with new positive actions, people, etc... .etc... .Recognize what WE have... .all by ourselves... .I have had all this time to pursue my photography with no guilt trip. I miraculously got a print in the permanent collection of the Museum of the City of New York.  My image was in the Wall Street Journal, Charlie Rose, front and center homepage of Yahoo news... .etc... .etc... .etc... .What a joy... .did I think about sharing my joy with her... .yes... .but it is her loss... .all her.  We can do great things in life all on our own.  We can surprise ourselves.

I have all my new work in a gallery in another town... .(my exwife lives in that town... .years past relationship, ugly divorce... .she ran off with a doctor... .not my BPD)... .the other day I brought some work there and was talking to the proprietor and I said out loud... ." I wonder if my exwife ever comes in here... .she lives in this town"... .The proprietor got a little smirk on her face... .and I said... ."What? WHat?"... .and she said that my ex saw the work in the window... .knew it was mine and it drew her into the gallery... .LOL!... .she asked the proprietor not to tell her that she comes in there to me. (more games... .LOL)... .I have not talked to my exwife in years... .and years... .and years... .and look what a positive light she came to find me in again... .she knows I kept shooting.  She always loved my work.  Kindof cool. Huh? The former governor of my state bought one of my prints just recently.  Cool stuff that I am so, so grateful about!  The joy of life, stuff. 

Right now... .stop what you are doing an make a gratitude list... .look around you... .there our so many that do not have simple things that we take for granted everyday in our lives.  There is life after that partner of yours... .GO MAKE IT!  (I am saying that for me, too!)... .

I needed perspective... .and I can find it if I look... .it helped me with the pain of my loss.  I still feel it... .every day... .but it deminishes... .gradually.

I loved her... .(my BPD)... .but I am not defined by her.

[DyingLove]

Nicely put Infared!  I like it!

[dobie]

I do not know the answer to this question.  I don't even think that I want to think about it (regarding myself).

What I would like to believe is this:  If she misses me, why isn't she calling or emailing or at my door or using her "smarts" to figure out how to reach me?

Sometimes I just want to forget the BPD, I don't wanna think about the twist that it puts on the ball.  I want to see her as a normal woman.  She acted, for the most part, like a normal woman and she approached me like a normal woman. So why shouldn't I continue to see her as such?

We all make mistakes, right? But a pwBPD will hold that mistake over our head forever. Do we hold BPD over their heads the same way?  I think we try to be sympathetic to the illness, but are they sympathetic to our mistakes? Probably not.

So if she didn't have BPD and acted identically to what has happened, how would I react? What would I say?  Would I just say she was a jerk or something? Would getting over them be easier?

Mine is truly evil BPD or not I won't forget or forgive when my dad was critically I'll she was crying because she was worried it would ruin her holiday  

I think what's bothering me the most is what a fool I've been , making excuses for her having her hood wink me , use , manipulate discard , devalue and try and destroy me

I  feel like such a total idiot , I feel hurt and stupid and annoyed she is not meeting some cosmic justice

[dobie]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

Man I long for that freedom ! I'm going to start back in the gym soon need to find plenty of hobbies to keep me busy , I think that's the problem I have nothing to fill my time with but ruminations .

Funny another thing hit me today and that's she used to get very irritable if I had to go away for work or to see family for more than a day it was like she could not cope without me bring near by (object permamance )

Her need to rage , pick fights now are her engulfment fears so she could get space

Her worries I did not smile when I picked her up , her worry about me not keeping my job to pay the mortgage or we would break up in the future so she wanted a pre nupp , her paranoid thoughts on my day off I might be screwing other girls . her coming of the joint bank account to see what monies I had spent (worry is was other girls )

Her irritation I went for drinks with my old female boss after work and her fear I fancied her .

Man I can start to really see the pieces coming into play now of the jigsaw .

Dobie... .no... .no... .I said gratitude list... .not renumeration list... .LMAOFOTF... .    

This is what we MUST do to move away from... .try to fill our time with new positive actions, people, etc... .etc... .Recognize what WE have... .all by ourselves... .I have had all this time to pursue my photography with no guilt trip. I miraculously got a print in the permanent collection of the Museum of the City of New York.  My image was in the Wall Street Journal, Charlie Rose, front and center homepage of Yahoo news... .etc... .etc... .etc... .What a joy... .did I think about sharing my joy with her... .yes... .but it is her loss... .all her.  We can do great things in life all on our own.  We can surprise ourselves.

I have all my new work in a gallery in another town... .(my exwife lives in that town... .years past relationship, ugly divorce... .she ran off with a doctor... .not my BPD)... .the other day I brought some work there and was talking to the proprietor and I said out loud... ." I wonder if my exwife ever comes in here... .she lives in this town"... .The proprietor got a little smirk on her face... .and I said... ."What? WHat?"... .and she said that my ex saw the work in the window... .knew it was mine and it drew her into the gallery... .LOL!... .she asked the proprietor not to tell her that she comes in there to me. (more games... .LOL)... .I have not talked to my exwife in years... .and years... .and years... .and look what a positive light she came to find me in again... .she knows I kept shooting.  She always loved my work.  Kindof cool. Huh? The former governor of my state bought one of my prints just recently.  Cool stuff that I am so, so grateful about!  The joy of life, stuff.  

Right now... .stop what you are doing an make a gratitude list... .look around you... .there our so many that do not have simple things that we take for granted everyday in our lives.  There is life after that partner of yours... .GO MAKE IT!  (I am saying that for me, too!)... .

I needed perspective... .and I can find it if I look... .it helped me with the pain of my loss.  I still feel it... .every day... .but it deminishes... .gradually.

I loved her... .(my BPD)... .but I am not defined by her.

That's awesome man I'm made up for you those are some things to really be proud of infrared !  

[Trog]

she is complex this last year or so and the BU just brought out the worst side in her to full force 

No, Dobie, there is no "worst side" - the behaviors you have seen are actually who she is. The totality of who she is includes the good and bad rolled up into one person; just like it does for the rest of us. Her intellect, humor, love, coldness, detached-ness, push, pull, idealize, devalue - it's ALL her, it's who she is.  She's not going to return to a "best side"; you have now seen all of her, both good and bad.

This is the rub. And its also true of us nons who are far from perfect. If I could take the good only of my ex-wife I'd be there is a heartbeat and in my heart of hearts, I know she wishes the same about me, her list of "if-onlys" about me would be as long as your arm but she comes with the negatives which were just too much to take, I tried to turn my cheek to the bad but I wasn't accepting her as a whole, real person. In reality, it could be said that I didn't really love her, I loved the side of her I liked and rejected huge elements of her personality. Some of those elements I can't imagine anybody loving, but some of them perhaps a better suited person really would and so she needs to go be with them and I need to be with a person whom I have respect for, not merely tolerate whilst idolising and talking up the rare things I did like.

Unfortunately I really liked the sex, which kept me there far too long, if I'd liked the cooking we'd never have got to the marriage phase.   But seriously Dobie, in the end, BPD or not, she has, sadly and painfully, rejected you, wonderful you, unique you, a you that is much better suited to someone else. I know the heart wants strange things sometimes but you need to take some steps to regain your self-esteem, craving and lolling around after someone who doesn't want you is soul destroying AND unattractive to the other person so utterly defeatist. The sooner you can turn some of your thinking away from her and how she feels (who cares! seriously!) and onto you and your life and all the good you can be, the happier you are going to be. I know your pain Dobie take active physical steps now to rebuild yourself.