recovering from the final abandonment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, I am a new member. I was left a few days ago, for what I think is the last time, by my BPD partner of 4.5 years. I know this is the last of our many breakups. She made it clear this time that she feels she "must step out of the relationship." I wasn't shocked this time, and have done my own soul searching about what I would do next time she left me. I know that we have to part, not only because she no longer wants me, but because the relationship has become destructive to me. When we met to say "good-bye" she said she still wants me in her life, whatever that means. I told her I couldn't be a friend standing on the sidelines while she moves on with her new life without me. It was my choice and not hers to impose a no contact rule on both of us. We have some business kinds of things left that we need to communicate about, but I expect that, past the next week or so, I will never seed her again. I am suffering a lot with the grief, but am okay because I have no doubts this time about the rightness of the decisions made by my partner or by me. Nevertheless I am devastated and afraid to face the future without her. As the articles and posts on this site have described, my heart is broken by the loss of what I thought I had with her, especially by the unnaturally abrupt and shocking way in which the loss occurred, time after time until the last.

I am a "mature adult" and have had previous relationships, including one lasting 20 years. Compared with the previous partners, I felt that the woman who just left me was the love of my life. The intimacy, emotional connection, and intensity of feeling between us during the first year was more and better than anything I had ever experienced. I felt like I had found the love I had longed for my entire life, (starting with an unhappy childhood in an alcoholic family). My history of romantic relationships has not been good, and I have both low self-esteem and neediness around having been unloved or rejected. My recent ex was like the therapy I had always needed. She made me feel not only accepted, but really attractive, desirable, lovable and chosen, to a greater extent than I have ever felt. My ex also wanted and demanded a lot of my love, and I was happy to give it, as it felt as wonderful to have someone to love as to be loved. She then told me that I was the first person who had ever made her feel loved, and we would talk like this about how much we had healed each other.

The sex was very intense and very intimate. Our sexual relationship got progressively better right up to the end. It wasn't just the makeup sex, it was a growing relationship based on ongoing communication and high compatibility. Sexual intimacy is important to me, and being sexual in the context of so much love was the ultimate experience to me. I felt like the intimacy I enjoyed in this relationship was the most important experience I had ever had with another person in my life.

After the first year and a half there would be episodes where i would find myself getting anxious and insecure about how my partner felt about me. It would seem like she was pulling away from me, in a scary way, like a total emotional detachment. Usually she would deny that she felt this, and would get irritable and sometimes nasty about the fact that I was getting so insecure. Later, or at other times when I would confront her, she would just flat out admit that she had pulled away. Once she told me she had been thinking for some time about moving away to live with her sister in another state! After I expressed how upset I was that she was thinking about leaving me again, I asked her to please discuss this with her friends, as I thought that moving in with her dysfunctional family would be a bad idea. She told me that she had run the idea by a number of her friends, and they had said the same thing I did. I was shocked to hear this, as I had no idea she was planning to leave me. She didn't seem able to empathize with how I felt, not only about her moving away, but about being the last to know!

The first time she broke up with me was our third spring together. This was one of the times when I had been getting anxious about the distance between us and had tried repeatedly to talk about it. She blew me off and invalidated my perceptions many times before she suddenly admitted to all of what I had been sensing, and told me she wanted to end our relationship as lovers. I was devastated to find my worst fears had come true and began some very hard grieving. My partner then became very emotionally available and comforting but still said she wanted to break up. After a week or so she totally recanted everything she said about wanting to breakup and we were back together.

We subsequently separated at least twice yearly, altogether more than six times I can remember. Sometimes I initiated the breakup in reaction to one of her withdrawals. She would not only distance me emotionally but would find ways to stay away from me altogether. She would get preoccupied with her family's endless dramas and go stay with them for up to a month, during times when we were struggling with our relationship and needed to spend more time together. She would get involved in hobbies and work on them 24/7. I was incredibly hurt not only by the realization that she didn't want to be with me, but by the realization that I had once been one of her preoccupations and I no longer was. I would compare how disengaged she was to the times we had been so close, and remember the promises she made, her assurances that I was "the one" for her, and that would always be so. It was like twisting a knife in my heart, to try to look realistically at the vast empty gulf that separated how she had been towards me before with how she was now. I, meanwhile, was and still am so in love with her.

When the breakups first started, the reconciliations brought us closer than we had been before. We would have talks about problems that hadn't been mentioned or known about by me, prior to the breakup. We would talk about how much better we felt and would re-commit. Over time, the post breakup talks shut down. I became progressively more afraid of initiating discussions about our conflicts, and if I didn't initiate and guide the discussions, they didn't happen. The periods of distance took up more time in the relationship, and the periods of closeness took up a lot less. I began to think of the beginning of the relationship as the "Lost Eden." I think I might have made a joke about that a few times, but the way it felt was no joke. I felt and still do feel, like my life is over unless I get our relationship back like it used to be. I do know now, however, that it is impossible. My partner no longer wants me, and I can't get her back this time.

This major traumatic rejection triggers my low self-esteem around being a lifelong reject in the love department.  I am struggling against the tendency within myself to interpret this relationship failure as evidence for my defectiveness. I no longer have evidence that someone can in fact love me or choose me as a romantic partner. I don't want to dismiss my partner's expressed feelings towards me, but I don't see how she could have really loved me then detached from me and left me in such a short time.

I am getting through the day hour by hour now. I am hopeful that the pain will get less, because grief always does, but there is a renewed deep ache now where the old one used to be. I can't think about the future right now, but I do plan to continue into it.

I deeply appreciate your help.

[Achaya]

Hi, I am a new member. I was left a few days ago, for what I think is the last time, by my BPD partner of 4.5 years. I know this is the last of our many breakups. She made it clear this time that she feels she "must step out of the relationship." I wasn't shocked this time, and have done my own soul searching about what I would do next time she left me. I know that we have to part, not only because she no longer wants me, but because the relationship has become destructive to me. When we met to say "good-bye" she said she still wants me in her life, whatever that means. I told her I couldn't be a friend standing on the sidelines while she moves on with her new life without me. It was my choice and not hers to impose a no contact rule on both of us. We have some business kinds of things left that we need to communicate about, but I expect that, past the next week or so, I will never seed her again. I am suffering a lot with the grief, but am okay because I have no doubts this time about the rightness of the decisions made by my partner or by me. Nevertheless I am devastated and afraid to face the future without her. As the articles and posts on this site have described, my heart is broken by the loss of what I thought I had with her, especially by the unnaturally abrupt and shocking way in which the loss occurred, time after time until the last.

I am a "mature adult" and have had previous relationships, including one lasting 20 years. Compared with the previous partners, I felt that the woman who just left me was the love of my life. The intimacy, emotional connection, and intensity of feeling between us during the first year was more and better than anything I had ever experienced. I felt like I had found the love I had longed for my entire life, (starting with an unhappy childhood in an alcoholic family). My history of romantic relationships has not been good, and I have both low self-esteem and neediness around having been unloved or rejected. My recent ex was like the therapy I had always needed. She made me feel not only accepted, but really attractive, desirable, lovable and chosen, to a greater extent than I have ever felt. My ex also wanted and demanded a lot of my love, and I was happy to give it, as it felt as wonderful to have someone to love as to be loved. She then told me that I was the first person who had ever made her feel loved, and we would talk like this about how much we had healed each other.

The sex was very intense and very intimate. Our sexual relationship got progressively better right up to the end. It wasn't just the makeup sex, it was a growing relationship based on ongoing communication and high compatibility. Sexual intimacy is important to me, and being sexual in the context of so much love was the ultimate experience to me. I felt like the intimacy I enjoyed in this relationship was the most important experience I had ever had with another person in my life.

After the first year and a half there would be episodes where i would find myself getting anxious and insecure about how my partner felt about me. It would seem like she was pulling away from me, in a scary way, like a total emotional detachment. Usually she would deny that she felt this, and would get irritable and sometimes nasty about the fact that I was getting so insecure. Later, or at other times when I would confront her, she would just flat out admit that she had pulled away. Once she told me she had been thinking for some time about moving away to live with her sister in another state! After I expressed how upset I was that she was thinking about leaving me again, I asked her to please discuss this with her friends, as I thought that moving in with her dysfunctional family would be a bad idea. She told me that she had run the idea by a number of her friends, and they had said the same thing I did. I was shocked to hear this, as I had no idea she was planning to leave me. She didn't seem able to empathize with how I felt, not only about her moving away, but about being the last to know!

The first time she broke up with me was our third spring together. This was one of the times when I had been getting anxious about the distance between us and had tried repeatedly to talk about it. She blew me off and invalidated my perceptions many times before she suddenly admitted to all of what I had been sensing, and told me she wanted to end our relationship as lovers. I was devastated to find my worst fears had come true and began some very hard grieving. My partner then became very emotionally available and comforting but still said she wanted to break up. After a week or so she totally recanted everything she said about wanting to breakup and we were back together.

We subsequently separated at least twice yearly, altogether more than six times I can remember. Sometimes I initiated the breakup in reaction to one of her withdrawals. She would not only distance me emotionally but would find ways to stay away from me altogether. She would get preoccupied with her family's endless dramas and go stay with them for up to a month, during times when we were struggling with our relationship and needed to spend more time together. She would get involved in hobbies and work on them 24/7. I was incredibly hurt not only by the realization that she didn't want to be with me, but by the realization that I had once been one of her preoccupations and I no longer was. I would compare how disengaged she was to the times we had been so close, and remember the promises she made, her assurances that I was "the one" for her, and that would always be so. It was like twisting a knife in my heart, to try to look realistically at the vast empty gulf that separated how she had been towards me before with how she was now. I, meanwhile, was and still am so in love with her.

When the breakups first started, the reconciliations brought us closer than we had been before. We would have talks about problems that hadn't been mentioned or known about by me, prior to the breakup. We would talk about how much better we felt and would re-commit. Over time, the post breakup talks shut down. I became progressively more afraid of initiating discussions about our conflicts, and if I didn't initiate and guide the discussions, they didn't happen. The periods of distance took up more time in the relationship, and the periods of closeness took up a lot less. I began to think of the beginning of the relationship as the "Lost Eden." I think I might have made a joke about that a few times, but the way it felt was no joke. I felt and still do feel, like my life is over unless I get our relationship back like it used to be. I do know now, however, that it is impossible. My partner no longer wants me, and I can't get her back this time.

This major traumatic rejection triggers my low self-esteem around being a lifelong reject in the love department.  I am struggling against the tendency within myself to interpret this relationship failure as evidence for my defectiveness. I no longer have evidence that someone can in fact love me or choose me as a romantic partner. I don't want to dismiss my partner's expressed feelings towards me, but I don't see how she could have really loved me then detached from me and left me in such a short time.

I am getting through the day hour by hour now. I am hopeful that the pain will get less, because grief always does, but there is a renewed deep ache now where the old one used to be. I can't think about the future right now, but I do plan to continue into it.

I deeply appreciate your help.

[anxiety5]

Hang in there my friend. Everyone here has been where you're at. If you read my posts you'll see the progressions I myself made through the same despair. But I hope you'll find comfort in reading my last couple posts because you'll see that you are a survivor and you will be ok.

It sounds like you have a very anxious attachment style. I did too. That constant anxiety makes life hell doesn't it? If anything goes out of the norm you instantly feel the weight of crushing anxiety and await the proverbial hammer to drop on you that you are certain will come.

That's no way to live life. And here is the worst part. Your partner does it to you ON PURPOSE. I would guess that when you first met she wanted to spend ALL her time together with you right? Well once you oblige her request suddenly she wants you away from her and you are too needy... .Do you see the contradiction in this?

But isn't that what these people are all about? Everything is a contradiction, think about it. In this one example it's quite easy to see that one person has set expectations and then totally reversed them. What's more is in both scenarios they initiate your emotions. When they want to be with you all the time, that illicit an emotional response. When they turn around and want space, that too is an emotional response. It's a no win situation. There is no right answer. And thus is a small window into their nonsensical, irrational and non linear way of thinking.

What she's done is penetrate your defenses. Again the one example above is proof. Rather than focusing on her contradictions we instead internalize the fact that we only lose. We aren't with them enough when they are demanding which makes us feel like we are less than. And to top it off, when we do manage to make them the center of our universe now we are too clingy and needy which also makes us feel inadequate. Because she's in your head fully locked and loaded, we don't even see it from a perspective of contradiction, no win situations, and irrational expectations that are totally different. We just focus on the way they have managed to make us feel like we are awful, weak, and not good enough.

Dealing with that for years is brutal. It's no wonder if you take that one example, and add about a million other contradictory no win type of situations that you you have eroded self esteem.

But let's step back for a moment. We are in a BPD/NPD personality disorder forum. This person, your ex has a personality disorder. They have issues my friend! and as you see by the 10s of thousands of us here, there is a whole army of them out there wrecking havoc. You aren't alone, and most important, DO NOT LET YOURSELF FEEL LIKE YOU ARE A FAILURE when the source that is projecting this view is someone with a personality disorder. That's like going to a mental hospital and having someone claw at your face and throw a bottle of water at your head and leaving there convinced you are a loser. No No No! That other person is just crazy! And you (we) happened to be their target.

[living in the past]

Hi, Well said anxiety5,i needed to read that too.Achaya i was discarded about two weeks ago,by friend pwBPD,and it was out of nowhere all because of a missed phone call,i felt like a pinata,that was just wacked,today i am doing better ,and you will do better too as the days move on,it just takes time,thanks for posting 

[Achaya]

Thank you so much for responding. I have already been helped by seeing on this website that my ex-lover behaved almost identically to a lot of other BPD people in intimate relationships. It helps to see that this wasn't a matter of someone "falling in love" with me then losing interest, even though my ex would probably say that is exactly what it was for her. I understand that she isn't and wasn't capable of giving me a stable commitment because she hasn't figured out how to maintain a stable sense of self. Her whole life is like our relationship, hot passionate involvements in one thing or another followed by dropping the whole project. She hasn't yet figured out what she will do for a living, or where she will do it. Why would romantic relationships be any different.

I also see today that she is probably the third BPD partner I have had. Obviously I have a major problem that I need to address within myself.

Thank you so much for being here. I look forward to an ongoing dialogue with all of you. 

[Achaya]

Anxiety 5, I had the time to reread your response tonight when I had more time to think about it. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into it. I found extremely helpful your analysis of the contradictions in my ex-partner's messages and behaviors. You are correct, I have a very strong tendency in general to internalize shame and blame when my relationships go badly. When you pointed out the objectively obvious problems with my ex-partner's messages to me, I became able to shift to a more external perspective and see exactly what you are talking about. It would be very liberating, I think, to acquire more information about the typical moves that BPD's make in relationships, so as to expand upon this ability to objectify the problems.

You must have worked very hard for the sharp insights you shared in your post. Thanks for inviting me to look at your other posts. I am looking forward to reading them.

[anxiety5]

Thank you so much for responding. I have already been helped by seeing on this website that my ex-lover behaved almost identically to a lot of other BPD people in intimate relationships. It helps to see that this wasn't a matter of someone "falling in love" with me then losing interest, even though my ex would probably say that is exactly what it was for her. I understand that she isn't and wasn't capable of giving me a stable commitment because she hasn't figured out how to maintain a stable sense of self. Her whole life is like our relationship, hot passionate involvements in one thing or another followed by dropping the whole project. She hasn't yet figured out what she will do for a living, or where she will do it. Why would romantic relationships be any different.

I also see today that she is probably the third BPD partner I have had. Obviously I have a major problem that I need to address within myself.

Thank you so much for being here. I look forward to an ongoing dialogue with all of you. 

Stay here, read, interact. You will find shortcuts that will save you YEARS in your path to getting well.

We vibe with these people because we fit like a key to a lock. They give off vibes of needing rescue, fixed, they put us on a pedestal and they make us feel great when they praise how nice we are, how thoughtful we are, etc. They are needy. And this activates our fixer/rescuer vibe in us. Both these dynamics are usually present in your family of origin. Whether your parents have co-dependent BPD/NPD relationships or maybe something happened to you as a kid, etc.  But we vibe together. The common attraction is they have a lack of identity and need adulation praise and reinforcement to feel good. They need to feel special and perfect because they don't have any regulated sense of self. We are troubled in much the same way. We get our self worth through external validation as well, or the pedestal we are put on. The praise we get back. In both of us, we are failing to realize the one important thing. You have to fill your own deficits of self esteem, you have to feel ok about who you are as a person, you have to know what your core values are so that you understand what your boundaries and deal breakers are in relationships and to be true to yourself and develop a firm self esteem you must always enforce these when someone breaches them.  Those deficits we have are why the "love bombing" works so well. They manipulate us by filling our deficits. That's what is so alluring about them. That's why they feel like soul mates. And that is the hook. We are the best ever at everything! We are the greatest guy! In a sense they are mirroring to us the self esteem we need to feel whole.  This is a mind screw, but our infatuation is not really about them. They are awful! And always abusive and end up treating us terribly. So why then are we hooked when we know they are no good for us? What hooks us is not the way they are or even the way they were. It's the way THEY made US feel about OURSELVES. That incredible connection? That was us having a whole complete sense of self confidence, adequacy, and purpose for maybe the first time in our lives. And the pain of this relationship is because when someone makes you feel that way, we can't help but let our guard down. We inherently trust them with our soul. But this is their hook. Their manipulation. They do this because it works. It gets them access to us.  Is it any wonder that "bond" we feel towards this person who has "completed" us? And is it any wonder when the level of pain that is caused when this person who we trust so much, becomes our biggest tormentor? That is why their words cut so deep. That is why their neglect and their rejection hurts so bad.

There is a solution though. You must decide that you are sick of feeling this way. That you have nothing to lose and you want to take a different path. Get away from them. Change your number. Do whatever you have to do. Seek a therapist if you can, they help. Look for one that specializes in trauma or relationships. Tell them that you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone you suspect has BPD or NPD and you just want to feel better about things, understand what happened and work so it doesn't happen again.

Identify your core values. If they are honesty, trust, loyalty and integrity, begin to seek friendships with those who align with those values, and eliminate the ones who don't. Is it any wonder we can't be happy around people who are so opposite of the core things we stand for? But our confidence is so eroded we can't enforce boundaries so instead of getting away from this boss, or coworker or friend or girlfriend, we internalize it and feel even worse about us when in truth they are abusive, it's not you.

Once you align with others who have your core values, your friendships will thrive, you will see that you can trust people and that others aren't all manipulative bad people. These friends may already exist (that's why these people try to isolate us) But once you have a better sense of self, and better identification with what matters to you, it's easy to see that we basically let someone walk all over us who we should have never let in our lives to begin with. Once you start identifying with the way you feel, fostering better relationships with friends and family, you start to feel more confident. You start to be your own source of being content. You fill your OWN deficits through good relationships and personal growth. Emotionally healthy people don't fall for love bombing. Why? Because they don't need deficits filled by anyone. Therefore they don't see the BPD/NPD's comments as anything but comments. They see them as words and if they stick around they are waiting to see if the actions match up. Well this is not the ideal target for the BPD/NPD and they won't even waste their time. So you can see how this simple area makes you immune to these people.

The only way we can stop validating our self worth externally is if we start looking for it within. The only way we can do this is if we have self respect and know who we are. The only way we can do this is to know ourselves, our values, our boundaries and living our lives true to thy self.

I know this isn't all the answers you need an your head is swimming, but what I'm trying to show you is that there is a way out. There is a fix to all this pain. And there is hope that you can get out of this and emerge as a person who is stronger than ever, more aware than ever, and able to find a source of love and a relationship that is healthy.

[Achaya]

We are almost 2 weeks out from the breakup. The grief is less like a non-stop stabbing, and more like a constant ache. I know it will get worse before it gets better. We haven't yet cut off all contact, but I have made a unilateral decision to do so, because I won't get over her otherwise.

I have learned 2 important things on this site that have moved me closer to the reality of what has happened to me:

1. The affirmation I got from my lover regarding my value as a lover really didn't mean much because she didn't know me when she said those things. As soon as the initial merging of souls wore off, she stopped wanting to be around me. What we had was just a magical moment when my unmet needs for a partner and her unmet needs for a savior collided. Just as it doesn't mean anything about me that she left me, it also doesn't mean anything that she said she never would.

2.  People with BPD are to a large extent incapable of sustaining intimacy and are incapable of committing themselves as one adult to another. These are the main things I want from a relationship. When my ex started pulling away from me I experienced this as losing the ideal partner. The only thing wrong with her from my perspective was that she no longer wanted me. That made her seem better than I am in some ways. Now I recognize that her withdrawal is about a psychiatric problem. It makes her poor partner material, not the prize that got away.

I see that my desperate need to be loved and to be affirmed as lovable caused me to involve myself with a very damaged person who had no chance, really, of being able to meet my needs for intimacy and commitment. I don't know how I will change this deficit in myself, as I have been in therapy for most of my adult life trying to resolve this one issue, without any success.

It is discouraging to find myself still getting dumped by a pwBPD---the first time was almost 40 years ago! At least I now know what diagnostic category I am attracted to. I have been telling therapists for decades that I tend to fall for people who do this bizarre disconnecting behavior. The therapists could never understand what I was talking about. They told me I must not be able to tolerate ambivalence, my partner's normal mixed feelings, the ebb and flow of need for closeness and space. I would repeat that this wasn't normal ebb and flow, it was a shocking traumatic rupture in the interpersonal connection with my partner, in which he or she would emotionally leave the relationship, and be replaced by a heartless zombie, or a sadist. Finally I know what is wrong, that I am drawn for unconscious reasons to pwBPD.

I have always been optimistic about peoples' ability to heal. The fact that my partner was disturbed never caused me to blink an eye. I didn't know that it actually meant they would be unable to love me. I thought just the opposite. I really didn't know that I was putting myself back into whatever traumatic relationship I had in childhood that created the template for this unhealthy attraction.

I feel like I have been brought down to the ground now. Not a pleasant drop, but I think I won't be shocked anymore, no matter what happens. It's a chance to learn more about myself and work out more of my childhood damage. I wish I felt more optimistic about future relationships, but it's too soon for that.

[living in the past]

 Well said,you hit the nail on the head about moving closer to reality,i have more important things in life to worry about than someones personality disorder,you seem to be on a good path,good luck to you.

[anxiety5]

We are almost 2 weeks out from the breakup. The grief is less like a non-stop stabbing, and more like a constant ache. I know it will get worse before it gets better. We haven't yet cut off all contact, but I have made a unilateral decision to do so, because I won't get over her otherwise.

I have learned 2 important things on this site that have moved me closer to the reality of what has happened to me:

1. The affirmation I got from my lover regarding my value as a lover really didn't mean much because she didn't know me when she said those things. As soon as the initial merging of souls wore off, she stopped wanting to be around me. What we had was just a magical moment when my unmet needs for a partner and her unmet needs for a savior collided. Just as it doesn't mean anything about me that she left me, it also doesn't mean anything that she said she never would.

2.  People with BPD are to a large extent incapable of sustaining intimacy and are incapable of committing themselves as one adult to another. These are the main things I want from a relationship. When my ex started pulling away from me I experienced this as losing the ideal partner. The only thing wrong with her from my perspective was that she no longer wanted me. That made her seem better than I am in some ways. Now I recognize that her withdrawal is about a psychiatric problem. It makes her poor partner material, not the prize that got away.

I see that my desperate need to be loved and to be affirmed as lovable caused me to involve myself with a very damaged person who had no chance, really, of being able to meet my needs for intimacy and commitment. I don't know how I will change this deficit in myself, as I have been in therapy for most of my adult life trying to resolve this one issue, without any success.

It is discouraging to find myself still getting dumped by a pwBPD---the first time was almost 40 years ago! At least I now know what diagnostic category I am attracted to. I have been telling therapists for decades that I tend to fall for people who do this bizarre disconnecting behavior. The therapists could never understand what I was talking about. They told me I must not be able to tolerate ambivalence, my partner's normal mixed feelings, the ebb and flow of need for closeness and space. I would repeat that this wasn't normal ebb and flow, it was a shocking traumatic rupture in the interpersonal connection with my partner, in which he or she would emotionally leave the relationship, and be replaced by a heartless zombie, or a sadist. Finally I know what is wrong, that I am drawn for unconscious reasons to pwBPD.

I have always been optimistic about peoples' ability to heal. The fact that my partner was disturbed never caused me to blink an eye. I didn't know that it actually meant they would be unable to love me. I thought just the opposite. I really didn't know that I was putting myself back into whatever traumatic relationship I had in childhood that created the template for this unhealthy attraction.

I feel like I have been brought down to the ground now. Not a pleasant drop, but I think I won't be shocked anymore, no matter what happens. It's a chance to learn more about myself and work out more of my childhood damage. I wish I felt more optimistic about future relationships, but it's too soon for that.

You know what's funny? I cut off contact with her for about 3-4 months. Almost like a mind reader these people are, I swear. JUST when I was to the point where I was really not thinking of her much anymore BOOM Text message last Friday. TOTAL 180. She misses me, she needs me, come over, she's so sorry, etc etc etc.  I replied with this:

Hope you are ok. Thanks for reaching out. I will always care about you, but we can't be together anymore and you know this. I don't hate you. I wouldn't change anything that happened it's all for the best and I honestly hope you find whatever it is that makes you happy. If you do really care about me, just accept this message and let's not move backwards, life is too short.

She tried a couple more times. Even sent me a provocative photo to which I replied, you are gorgeous You won't have any problem getting any guy you want. Best of luck.

After about an hour I just killed her into submission with kindness, sincerity and STRENGTH. I did not waiver. They are like children who throw tantrums. Eventually they get sick of crying and stop, and she stopped texting.

She will reach out to you. Ironically only after you start to move on. You can book this like a bet on a game already played. It's THAT certain. They feed off misery. It's when you truly begin to heal and move on that they will attempt to re-conquer you. I'm telling you this because I'm certain it will happen. It's a test. Previously we would view this from their perspective. A test to see if they can still have us. But the entire goal of healing is to focus on you, your thoughts, your feelings, and what you want out of life. So the test is really ours. We know their core values do not mesh with ours. Can we break the addiction? Can we draw a boundary? Remember the opposite of Love is not hate, it's indifference. And that is why I did not get angry with her. We were targeted because of our lack of boundaries, and our need to self validate through external sources. Essentially we lack self esteem at some level and that is a magnate to these types. That's what love bombing is all about, filling our voids and that wholeness we feel is because someone is projecting to us all the things we want to feel about ourselves. But as we all learn it's just a game of manipulation to get us hooked. If it were real, they would not treat us like dirt following this. People who have an inner strength and who don't need other's approval to feel good about themselves are like repellant to these types. Basically someone who is confident in who they are, and knows their self worth will not fall for love bombing. They aren't completed by anyone outside themselves. So the reason why them reaching out is a true test of our healing is because we get the opportunity to hold boundaries, to not cave in, to not fall for love bombing, to do this all respectfully and firmly and just like a healthy person, it will send them in a different direction away from us.

Wish you all the best. Do not fear the loss of something that never was. It was a mirage. It's plenty to get upset about but in reality it's a gift. We would have gone through our whole lives feeling something is amiss inside us. It is only possible through one of these relationships that we get the opportunity to heal all those things that have led to our feelings of inferiority or lack of self worth. The gift is we are broken. We have no choice but to rebuild ourselves. And only by having experienced the pain of such a relationship are we put into a position to fix ourselves to ensure that we will never end up in one again.

Be strong. Everything is going to be ok.