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Author Topic: Just what's behind our obsession to over diagnose our partners as psychopaths?  (Read 967 times)
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« Reply #30 on: May 07, 2015, 06:57:16 AM »

Excerpt
"Attention I ringing a warning. Are we (as a group) getting caught up in the recent growth of calling ex sociopaths websites on the net? Do we need to be mindful of this?"

Seriously, I think we do need to be mindful of this, especially if we are in a lot of emotional pain and anger after the ending of one of these dysfunctional relationships. Plus, most of us, as is true for me, are speculating about BPD and the mental illness in general... .but I also think that a lot of us have been involved with damaged people who hurt us  And repeatedly hurt others in their relationship patterns... .and we are honestly trying to sort it out and understand.  It's a sticky wicket!  
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« Reply #31 on: May 07, 2015, 07:03:48 AM »

I dont believe my exgf has ASPD I do believe she has traits though.

With regards to over analysing some of it may be due to the media. In the uk there has been a lot on psycopaths recently so all of a sudden there are psycopaths everywhere. When nurse beverly allet was convicted of a series of murders in a hospital she was diagnosed with munchausens by proxy. All of a sudden this was the flavour of the day and any strange behaviour was put down to this.

with regards to you questions.

Yes my exgf does things that could get her arrested. Shoplifting, dangerous driving, benefit fraud. She has scant respect for authority and doesnt believe she will get caught.

Its more to do with the lack of compassion that I have seen. I will have to read the dsm for ASPD again and see which criteria she ticked again.
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« Reply #32 on: May 07, 2015, 07:28:16 AM »

9% of people with BPD have co-morbid ASPD.  In recent months we suddenly have far more than 9% of members discussing this.  In many (not all) cases, I'm not seeing ASPD symptoms in the members post history description of the ex.

The rise in co-morbidity is to bypass the limitations of the current diagnostic system. It is useful to capture clinically relevant information for professionals with broad knoweledge of the underlying structures, but it clearly confuses the general public.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1414654/

About the trends in the community, until now, negative traits were ascribed to narcissistic features, which is just as ill-informed as the recent trend of labeling them ASPD. Menospehere could be a possible source, like the alpha male nonsense that is slowly gaining momemntum by the the younger members.

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« Reply #33 on: May 07, 2015, 08:00:35 AM »

The harder the label on the ex the more blameless we can become or justified in the things we did. When I'm feeling very triggered or disregulated I will think of my ex as a sociopath/psychopath all the way through the spectrum to the lightness of "misunderstood", its less to do with them than it is to do with us, our own psychology coupled with our level of healing. My ex was pushing me into therapy and buying me self help books despite being diagnosed with a mental illness herself, she was doing the same thing we do. Deflection.

No one will do anything to us that we don't invite them to do. Apart from in extreme circumstances, being burgled or worse. Even if I think about the times my ex slapped me or behaved terribly, she tested me all the way up until that point, had I closed the door earlier on lesser bad behaviours she'd either have left or known my boundary.
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« Reply #34 on: May 07, 2015, 08:14:52 AM »

The harder the label on the ex the more blameless we can become or justified in the things we did.

Trog... .I agree with most of what you have to say... .especially how both parties can deflect.  ... .but I am not owning for a minute that it was "my fault" that my ex cheated on me with another man.  That is what she told me.  That is twelve year old stuff.  That is extreme co-dependence if I think I am responsible for someone else's self-centered behavior.  Right?
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« Reply #35 on: May 07, 2015, 08:19:22 AM »

The harder the label on the but I am not owning for a minute that it was "my fault" that my ex cheated on me with another man.  That is what she told me.

Nobody owns another person's infidelity.

That's not what we are talking about  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #36 on: May 07, 2015, 08:20:02 AM »

The harder the label on the but I am not owning for a minute that it was "my fault" that my ex cheated on me with another man.  That is what she told me.

You're not responsible for her behaviour, but did it really come out of the blue? Did she have a great character and you were fine with her and then she cheated on you? Im talking more from a choice perspective as in you choosing her. Of course she took the decision to act that way, if she didnt want to be in the relationship she should have just left. I would say my sentence is not extreme co-dependence, its extreme independence, this way you have the full control over what happens in your life. Its certainly my fault for enduring the pain of watching my wife become unstable and psychotic again, she stopped taking her meds, she always had a bad attitude towards taking them and I took a chance. I trusted her inspite of the evidence not too.
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« Reply #37 on: May 07, 2015, 08:35:29 AM »

You're not responsible for her behaviour, but did it really come out of the blue? Did she have a great character and you were fine with her and then she cheated on you? Im talking more from a choice perspective as in you choosing her. Of course she took the decision to act that way, if she didnt want to be in the relationship she should have just left. I would say my sentence is not extreme co-dependence, its extreme independence, this way you have the full control over what happens in your life. Its certainly my fault for enduring the pain of watching my wife become unstable and psychotic again, she stopped taking her meds, she always had a bad attitude towards taking them and I took a chance. I trusted her inspite of the evidence not too.

You raised very important questions. I understand why we're initially resistant to consider this points of view, but taking responsibilty is really empowering.
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« Reply #38 on: May 07, 2015, 09:35:48 AM »

Yes, agree, initially its really really hard, when you're in acute pain, to take that stance. But its actually counter productive because the more I realise that I let a situation develop and didn't remove myself or set strict boundaries, the more I take responsibility, the better I feel. Hating and feeling like a victim is really painful. Putting your hands up and seeing where you went wrong in judgement and then understanding where that poor judgement comes from is far more empowering and far reduces the emotional pain of "what that XXXXXXXX did to me!" attitude, "I trusted her and look how she repaid me"!

In my case, she started off on a 2nd recycle telling me she taking meds and it was helping, the story, month by month changed, she started to take them less and was trying to prove to me how she didn't need them. This was the point in time, I was so attached and hopeful already, I ignored the warning despite having gone thru this exact pain (the BU and watching my wife descend into abusive madness) that nearly killed me before. That was my weakness. Sure, she was stringing me along, but I was weak, and it hurt the pair of us and in the end destroyed our marriage. I have to work on my boundaries and value myself, not be scared to be alone or fearful of losing something short term. Not doing that has really caused me a lot of emotional and financial pain. And as much as I miss my wife and still have rotten days and self doubt to this day... .I wont do it again.
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« Reply #39 on: May 07, 2015, 01:12:20 PM »

i think we need to be gentle here, too. while presumably none of us have the ability to medically diagnose another person, i have even less ability to dismiss a strangers diagnosis of someone else. its possible if not likely that members here have been with a sociopath, or a psychopath, or ASPD, to or not to the exclusion of BPD, or whatever else. while we have an article that profiles a relationship with a pwBPD, ive never seen such an article about the evolution of a "psychopath/sociopath" relationship. i guess the point has already been made about checking our motivations to diagnose and what it means to us.
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« Reply #40 on: July 05, 2016, 10:48:50 AM »

There are a lot of mental conditions that look like BPD or even overlap with it. When we encounter high conflict or destructive relationship behaviors it is important for us to know that the problems can be caused by a broad range of things that look a lot a like:

   immaturity,

   short term mental illness (e.g., depression),

   substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),

   a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),

   an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),

   a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),

   a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or

   any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

How often is "any combination of the above?"   In an NIH study of 34,653 people*, of those that had clinical BPD,

   74% had another personalty disorder,

   75% also had a mood disorder, and

   74% also had an anxiety disorder.

If BPD doesn't explain what you are seeing, don't casually take a knee jerk jump to ASPD or its most egregious manifestations, psychopath or even more so sociopath.  If your ex was a sociopath, you wouldn't be guessing.  These are in a very different class than those who are addicted, bi-polar, depressed, OCD, ADHD, etc.

Unless someone clearly stands out as a  psychopath or even more so sociopath, it makes sense to look elsewhere first.  Statistically, you are more likely to find your answer.
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« Reply #41 on: July 05, 2016, 01:01:30 PM »

If BPD doesn't explain what you are seeing, don't casually take a knee jerk jump to ASPD or its most egregious manifestations, psychopath or even more so sociopath.  If your ex was a sociopath, you wouldn't be guessing.  These are in a very different class than those who are addicted, bi-polar, depressed, OCD, ADHD, etc.

100% agree with the spirit of your comments, in that all too often I see a post like "my ex is BPD because s/he threw a temper tantrum and ghosted me," even though there aren't any real clinical features to speak of.  Yes, there are a lot of us running around with diagnosed mentally ill SOs/exSOs - yours truly included - but as you've stated to me in another thread, a lot of these stories involve people who don't meet the criteria for BPD.

With that said, I was struck by the Hare Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) and how strongly it correlates to the Cluster B spectrum

To wit:

glib and superficial charm - HPD
grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self - NPD
need for stimulation -BPD
pathological lying - APD
cunning and manipulativeness - APD
lack of remorse or guilt - APD, BPD
shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness) BPD, HPD
callousness and lack of empathy - BPD, APD
parasitic lifestyle - APD, BPD
poor behavioral controls - BPD, APD
sexual promiscuity - BPD, HPD
early behavior problems - Cluster B
lack of realistic long-term goals - BPD
impulsivity - BPD
irresponsibility - BPD
failure to accept responsibility for own actions - BPD, APD
many short-term marital relationships - BPD
juvenile delinquency - APD
revocation of conditional release - APD
criminal versatility - APD

One could quibble with a few of my characterizations (is parasitic lifestyle really BPD? I'd say the effects of BPD certainly can lead there, but I digress), but almost all of these could be inserted into the appropriate line of the DSM and none would be the wiser.  Moreover, in the case of a true BPD, one can rack up almost enough points to qualify for the full-blown diagnosis of being a psychopath without any other comobordities (not.  bloody.  likely.); in fact, it's the criminality that would keep the non-institutionalized population from achieving exactly that diagnosis.

Should we walk on eggshells (sorry, bad pun) around throwing out these diagnoses as non-clinicians?  Absofreakinglutely.  But, for many of us who've seen the chart and seen these exact phrases written in our loved one's notes, it's a sobering idea that behind the masks was a person who possibly qualified for the clinical - not jilted ex lover throwing aspersions - definition of psychopath.
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« Reply #42 on: July 05, 2016, 01:45:57 PM »

But, for many of us who've seen the chart and seen these exact phrases written in our loved one's notes, it's a sobering... .that... .person who possibly qualified for the... .definition of psychopath.

In the Hare test, each of those traits are scored as none (0), some (1), a lot (2). If someone scored 1 on all 20 criteria they would not meet the minimum qualification for psychopathy.

A prototypical psychopath would receive a maximum score of 40 or a 2 on all twenty.

A score of 30 or above qualifies a person for a diagnosis of psychopathy - in other words a 2 on at least 10 and a 1 on all the remaining (or a 2 on 15).

If an ex meets the all criteria - scored on all of these things - notably:
  • criminal versatility
  • revocation of conditional release
  • juvenile delinquency
  • many short-term marital relationships
  • parasitic lifestyle

... .then psychopathy is reasonable conclusion.

If we used this criteria here, before making a claim it would be good for all.

Thanks for posting.
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« Reply #43 on: July 05, 2016, 01:49:54 PM »

Should we walk on eggshells (sorry, bad pun) around throwing out these diagnoses as non-clinicians? 

Yes, it can be beneficial to learn the criteria for various disorders, information I never expected to learn or even want to, but learning a little of that stuff immediately makes us feel not alone and not crazy; hey, the pros know about it and they even have names for it, this is good news!

And it has limits, like how far do we want to go as amateur shrinks?  It can be better, once we know there are things that are grouped together into something called "Cluster B", to just read the list of traits that are ascribed to each, see which ones describe our exes, could be mix and match from different disorders, doesn't matter, point is once we see a list of traits staring us in the face that describe our ex pretty well, decide if those behaviors are acceptable or not.  If we made it to this board probably not.  And then act accordingly.  Of course that's our head talking, our heart may differ, and aligning the two is part of the grand adventure called detachment.
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« Reply #44 on: July 05, 2016, 02:20:10 PM »

If we used this criteria here, before making a claim it would be good for all.

What I've never been able to figure out is how one gets a 1 instead of a 2, or vice versa.  I do understand the scale and do know that one needs a 30 to qualify, but you've got four buckets in the DSM and three in Hare, one of which is that the trait isn't present, so... .

Does it beggar imagination to think that if one did qualify for the DSM criteria around lack of empathy one would not score the corresponding 2 on Hare? Could someone be a 1 on one and check the box (sorry I know I'm really, really assizing the terminology here) in the DSM?

I don't think of my wife as a psycho at all - I think of her as the love of my life who is suffering from a severe mental health crisis that blew up our marriage - and I have no idea if she'd be a 1 or a 2 but I do know that she manifests multiple traits from multiple Cluster B disorders - that, as you pointed out, overlap with other diagnoses - in addition to her multiple official diagnoses.  

In case I wasn't clear, I'm all for treading very lightly when it comes to throwing out labels when it comes to this or any other measure, just flabbergasted by how much Cluster B overlaps with this criteria.  If I gave any other impression that's poor communication on my part.
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« Reply #45 on: July 05, 2016, 02:44:02 PM »

i dont think its purely a matter of obsession. i think often times its a combination of "confirmation bias" and bad (or misconstrued, or cherry picked) information on the internet.

many websites on abuse and abusers lump BPD into the same category as NPD, ASPD, etc (all very different disorders) and present a narrative that makes all of the abuse appear to be calculated and planned. honestly, it can be pretty easy to see it that way. its common on this board to read "my ex lacked remorse or empathy". how many of us felt that way at at least one point? when we are told, with regard to BPD, that it might appear that way because people with BPD "feel too much", or about the inner shame and defense mechanisms that guard against feeling shame, its hard to make sense of, and it may not line up with how we feel emotionally, or our general narrative of the events, let alone our limited understanding of personality disorders.

so you read a site on abusers that tells you most of these disorders are indistinguishable. maybe you check the diagnostic criteria and one or two or more sound on the surface like they overlap, either with our experience or what we know about BPD. you read a story on here where the actions described sound similar to what happened to you, even though the surrounding circumstances and history may be very different. suddenly you have a narrative, and voila, ones ex is a whole heap of disorders.

some of it may be obsession. when we do the post mortem of the relationship, which we may do many times, we view the relationship, and the actions of our partners through the lens of mental illness. if something doesnt quite line up with our knowledge, the temptation is to look for another way to explain it; for example, "well my ex definitely calculated so that must have been something other than BPD".

diagnosing a person with a personality disorder (let alone more than one) is an immense, very involved challenge. how many of us knew our exes outside of the relationship, for an extended period of time, and observed their struggles in every area of life? how many of us know anything about our exes previous relationships beyond what we were told?. how many of us have more than one experience with a person with disordered traits (extremely important to consider before we overgeneralize and make blanket statements about a particular disorder, or apply our stories to someone else, or vice versa)? thats what most of us are operating on. thats the bias, and we tend to look for information to confirm it.

that list is a good example of how we interpret this information. any single item is not necessarily indicative of a personality disorder, and any one of them may apply to someone with a specific personality disorder or not - partially because most of them are very vague, and every disordered individual is a unique person. its important to put these items in context: what is "irresponsibility"? in what areas? to what extent? what is "need for stimulation" and who doesnt have that? pwBPD, npd, ODD, can be criminals as can someone with none of the above. its not merely that theres an exception to every rule, its about perspective (ours is inherently biased) and understanding what drives the specific behavior. i could spin most of that list with my own personal interpretation and turn my ex into a psychopath or multiple disorders, though im relatively confident they would not apply.
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« Reply #46 on: July 10, 2016, 07:37:54 AM »

There's a range of very good thoughts from different posters who all make good sense.

It's hard to think of a more denigrating and damning label than psychopath. It implies so many negative traits and more importantly guilt, profound defectiveness and an absence of humanity.

So if you ended up in relationship with a psychopath you are automatically a victim and cleared of blame for pretty much everything that takes place.

I think the truth is the true psychopathy is pretty rare. The vast majority of us have had relationships with people who exhibit traits of various different disorders.

Unpicking our own interaction and responsibility for what happened is painful and challenging so understandably some of us reach out for the biggest baddest label and stick it on our partners or exes. I'm not judging and I do understand just how painful and traumatic these relationship can be but very little in life is black and white.

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« Reply #47 on: July 10, 2016, 07:53:18 AM »

To me the difference is whether or not they "loved" us at all or "used" us for supply. It seems pwBPD are more loving and have strong emotions. NPD and Anti-Socials do not. That is why I wonder... .Mine has strong traits of all, except psychopath... .except he called himself that a few times. Gave me the googly eyes on purpose. I believe psychopaths don't need/or like  other people around... .Mine does. So I would like to know so that I understand what I was married to exactly. Does that make sense? I have decided they are really just a cluster of them all... .too many overlapping traits- at least mine is. I call him anti-social just because that is what the domestic violence people told me he could be. His being a cutter, fearing abandonment and all the other BPD traits are there too... So I am just confused by it all. He is Comorbid with too many things.
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« Reply #48 on: July 10, 2016, 08:17:19 AM »

Call me slow, but it took me a full 7 years for it to occur to me that something was very, very wrong with exBPD partner's behavior.

And that's the thing: all of us struggle with the loss of love at the end of a relationship, but it was impossible to make sense of the chaotic behavior ; the say-one-thing-and-do-the-opposite  behavior that endlessly made my head spin. It wasn't that I needed to label her, it was that when I discovered these boards I realized that there was a reason (and a label) for all the chaotic behaviors that I couldn't make sense of.

Somehow, naming that was a very important part of healing. Once I did that, I could begin to look inward at my own unresolved issues - and that remains my focus today.

I felt like a victim in the beginning - and rightly so, I think. I was lied to and cheated on and cruelly treated. For some reason, it took me a long time to actually see the reality of how terribly I had been treated. Then I mourned. Then I moved on. I don't really have the personality to remain in a perpetual victim stance.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Sometimes I think that the perpetual victims are in so much pain that they haven't yet realized that the end of the r/s has opened up core wounds from childhood. Those posters think that the pain is all about their ex.
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« Reply #49 on: July 10, 2016, 10:25:31 AM »

@Herodias

I think there is a real issue with overlapping traits or co-morbidity. It creates a lot confusion for therapists, patients and for those of us who are trying to understand what happened in our relationships. There have been efforts to reform the diagnostic criteria for PDs to resolve this but there's a long way to go

@jhkbuzz

I agree with a lot of what you say. Initially putting a name, like BPD to something that felt bewildering and traumatic can be a huge relief. If it's used as a base camp it can give you the space to begin understanding your own behaviour too.

The original question was about diagnosing our exes as psychopaths. I think this is a slightly more extreme proposition. It's a black and white all enveloping diagnosis that makes it much harder for to understand the nature of our own behaviour

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« Reply #50 on: July 10, 2016, 10:38:06 AM »

Sometimes I think that the perpetual victims are in so much pain that they haven't yet realized that the end of the r/s has opened up core wounds from childhood. Those posters think that the pain is all about their ex.

Interesting discussion but is it that simple?

I know I have childhood wounds, but with other exes, I was able to move on, even after a long time with that person. After one year with this most recent ex, we parted briefly. I knew something was different. It felt like she had walked over to me, punched me in the face & asked 'why did you do that?'. I hadn't experienced that before. Nor had I experienced the complete high of being with someone like her, exciting, sexy, fun.

I don't feel like a victim, I made choices to be with her, nobody else. But I do question whether this hurt was always inside me or if it has only recently been opened by being with someone like this.
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« Reply #51 on: July 10, 2016, 11:03:25 AM »

Interesting discussion but is it that simple... .with other exes, I was able to move on, even after a long time with that person. After one year with this most recent ex, we parted briefly. I knew something was different.  

Yes, I've experienced other breakups as well - but nothing like this. I'm discovering that the unusual level of grief that I felt at the end of this r/s is connected to older, unresolved grief from childhood. It all "joined together" at the end of the r/s to cause me a searing amount of pain - like nothing I've ever experienced. This is all being uncovered in therapy. I wouldn't have thunk it in the beginning.
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« Reply #52 on: July 10, 2016, 12:13:15 PM »

I definitely understand that, both as a member and an ambassador.  When I originally joined 6 years ago, it was after being informed by multiple mental health professionals that she was diagnosed with BPD.  In an ideal universe, I'd love this site to have confirmed diagnoses, but that would be a privacy law nightmare. 

I personally believe that the tendency to diagnose someone as mentally ill is a way of self-defense.  It's much better to admit that you were abused by a Monster (tm) then to realize that you made a poor choice in choosing a mate.  One is out of your hands.  The other you are responsible for, even if you aren't responsible for their behavior.
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« Reply #53 on: July 10, 2016, 12:16:29 PM »

But I do question whether this hurt was always inside me or if it has only recently been opened by being with someone like this.   

Which hurt?  Why do you give her so much credit? Maybe its just that the r/s was always at its highest excitement, with sex or drama, so when she decided to distance herself, you was just left up the air.

Maybe she has no control over what you're feeling. Just like you have no control over what she feels from one moment to the other.

Maybe the cure for a failed r/s with someone ill or healthy, is finding yourself and finding someone who match you.

Maybe you should stop given her so much credit and power over you. Just maybe.  Isn't it true that you was once an individual with a different mindset before knowing her. Maybe you can work on being that individual again. Maybe
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Posts: 229


« Reply #54 on: July 10, 2016, 12:20:53 PM »

Excerpt
I'm discovering that the unusual level of grief that I felt at the end of this r/s is connected to older, unresolved grief from childhood.   

Thanks. Is it anything you could share?

For me I think the things said to me, the things done, the false accusations, completely trigger me from my childhood. Watching two parents spiral into horrible insults followed by items getting broken then a make up phase where us kids would feel happy and safe only to have that taken away again a few weeks later, this relationship has brought those wounds back to the surface.

I know because of what I saw and heard as a child I probably never felt good enough or possibly even to blame for their situation. All these years on I feel like I am to blame for my ex's unhappiness and the manner in which she could reduce me to ruins inside a minute is like my parents used to do.

I simply didn't have those types of row with my previous ex's, rows yes, viciousness and violence, no. So yes you might have a point here with this one.
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seenr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 229


« Reply #55 on: July 10, 2016, 12:40:25 PM »

Excerpt
Which hurt?  Why do you give her so much credit? Maybe its just that the r/s was always at its highest excitement, with sex or drama, so when she decided to distance herself, you was just left up the air.

Hurt from childhood I guess.

Even since she has ended the relationship she has tried to initiate drama. I have gone completely no contact apart from arrangements with our son. She does not like this & shows it when we have to meet.

Excerpt
Maybe she has no control over what you're feeling. Just like you have no control over what she feels from one moment to the other.
Maybe the cure for a failed r/s with someone ill or healthy, is finding yourself and finding someone who match you.

Very true. The thing is, after 5 years of being told she wanted me so much and made every effort to be with me, to suddenly go cold was hard to accept. But I tried to move on and twice she drew me back in. I had begun to see other people, nothing serious but she initiated us getting back together twice, then discarded. But you make a good point - finding a better match without the drama and chaos might be in order.

Excerpt
Maybe you should stop given her so much credit and power over you. Just maybe.  Isn't it true that you was once an individual with a different mindset before knowing her. Maybe you can work on being that individual again. Maybe

Yes I can. I have done, but over a 3-4 year period, she initiated contact and asked to get back together. Then 2-3 months in she would suggest things were not working. I would panic & offer more, try harder. I was bewildered that she would come back and make so much effort to get me, then tell me it wasn't working. I understand completely what went on now. She was trying to get the relationship working on her terms and she knew about my issues from childhood, she knew I would panic.

My plan now is to work on me until I have this out of my system. I think it is going to take time.

Thanks for writing
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Jonathan Ricciardi
AKA NC for years
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #56 on: July 10, 2016, 12:53:32 PM »

There are people who diagnose, just to make themselves feel better. Myself, my ex did everything that a person with BPD would do, to a T. I had no idea what BPD was until the relationship ended. She dumped me after 5 months of a whirl wind romance. We have known each other since we were about 10. Both in mid forties now.  She dumped me by text message, blocked me on FB, changed her phone number, and ended all contact about 4 years ago. Mature people in their forties can end relationships and still be friends and not ignore the ex on purpose. I never chased her or the police neve got involved, she just one day ended it and all contact. That is why I diagnose, normal well-adjusted adults don't act that way. Hurt a person and not give one care in the world about that persons feelings.
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FallBack!Monster
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 515



« Reply #57 on: July 10, 2016, 01:04:11 PM »

There are people who diagnose, just to make themselves feel better.

I did diagnose the sh*t out of her.  Until about 7 months after break up, she finally sent me a text saying she was tired of our Dr patient relationship.   my baggage

Yes, I HAD TO find ways to excuse her behavior.  I had to feed myself that her behavior towards me wasn't personal.  That it wasn't my fault.  That it wasn't b/c of my lack of anything. WOW! what I discovered during this time was that she is a CLASSIC TEXT BOOK CASE.  She did everything that the DSM, articles, blogs, videos, ect said she would do.  EVERYTHING! She perfectly match the criteria for a sociopath, and fit all but one of the criteria for BPD.  All criteria for BiPD, and at least half for Asperger.  The NPD shines during her raging period.

I love her though, but naaaaah!

That's my reason

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jhkbuzz
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #58 on: July 10, 2016, 05:51:46 PM »

I think that, similar to you, there were echos of the same dysfunction that existed in my childhood home as were in my r/s. TBH, I'm still working through all of it so I don't have crystal-clear answers.

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GoingBack2OC
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« Reply #59 on: July 11, 2016, 03:26:49 AM »

In reply to Skip's OP post. I'd have to say, that in all the relationships I've had, 2 major long term and countless dates, short relationships, etc, in my 36 years... .My last; with my uBPDgf - she was the only person I ever was with where I felt the need to "figure her out".

I didnt even really narrow it down until well into year 3 of the relationship. After year 1-2, I just thought she was very self centered, selfish, an only child, and thus, must have had issues because of that.

It drove me nuts, to the point where I spent a lot of time - a lot of time - going through many different "diagnoses'" from narcissist, to psychopath, sociopath, schizoid, then BPD.

I've never done that before... .with anyone. But then again, I've never dated anyone quite like this girl. Not only was she 100% insane, she slowly made me feel insane as well.

Amazing.
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