So, I just met up with my ex.

[valet]

And it was really strange.

I feel fine, great even, but talking to her was like talking to a ghost.

Obviously, I am absolutely not getting back together with her. That is dead and gone, and what I've learned here has only solidified that opinion. I had to carry the conversation on my back. It wasn't unpleasant, I'm just very concerned about her safety now.

I dunno, but I kind of want to send her a message like this:

"hey, thanks for hanging out today. i know that things are different now, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you, whenever you need me"

Would there be any harm in this? I feel that I've almost completely detached after this meeting, and I really don't mind opening myself up for her if she is truly in a desperate place and needs someone to talk to.

Other comments/thoughts welcome. Thanks guys and gals! I wouldn't be where I am without you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Achaya]

I know the feeling valet, but I would suggest holding off on the offer of support.

I felt the same way during my last in person BU conversation with my ex (last week). I asked her for NC but made an exception: if she ever feels like harming herself in any way I want her to contact me. She has a history of self-harming, including serious suicidality, so it made me feel better to extend that lifeline. She told me she would manage her issues without me, but wasn't unkind about saying that. I think that is exactly what will happen, as she has always found both therapists, friends and lovers to provide whatever support she wants.

My ex and I often connected via her not-okay moods and my strong efforts to draw her out and provide support. I think that is a dance she and I both know how to do very well. I am so codependent, I was willing to accept this kind of non-reciprocal relating if she would at other times give me more mutuality, however limited that was.

Think about it valet, is she really at risk, and if so, what is the best way to take care of that? Do you think she can and will do something to get support and help if she really needs it? Is your longing to get in there and support her really about her needing that?

[EaglesJuju]

Would there be any harm in this? I feel that I've almost completely detached after this meeting, and I really don't mind opening myself up for her if she is truly in a desperate place and needs someone to talk to.

I think the harm is reliant on your feelings and boundaries. If you can truly be there for her as a source of support and not invest yourself romantically, then there really is not any harm.  Boundaries and expectations are key.  Do you think that she could handle you just being friends?

[valet]

Think about it valet, is she really at risk, and if so, what is the best way to take care of that? Do you think she can and will do something to get support and help if she really needs it? Is your longing to get in there and support her really about her needing that?

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

To be honest, I have no idea how at risk she is, but the vibes that I got today were so negative that I can't help but believe that she is. She is not very good at talking about her emotions or problems, and I don't know if she is able help herself in that regard.

My ex is not good at trusting people with things like this. She let me in for a big part of the relationship, but a lot of her talking was done mainly to her extensive use of diaries/journals, and maybe one or two good mutual friends, whom she would eventually stop talking to in any kind of real, emotional sense. I know for a fact that she will most likely never seek any kind of professional help.

The bolded part: Yes, definitely. She is very important to me and I don't want to see her suffer. I know that this is not my responsibility logically, but I don't want her to end up dead or in some kind of terrible, destructive situation that will push her absolutely over the edge.

I think the harm is reliant on your feelings and boundaries. If you can truly be there for her as a source of support and not invest yourself romantically, then there really is not any harm.  Boundaries and expectations are key.  :)o you think that she could handle you just being friends?

I think that my boundaries are super solid with her right now. I will never be in a relationship with her again (or have any romantic feelings that will cause me suffering), therapy or otherwise. I generally don't look back with relationships anyways, and my instinct that she is a pwBPD only solidifies that resolution.

I truthfully don't know if she can handle that. If she wants to be honest with me about what she wants as far as I'm concerned, I will be honest with her. I don't know how she would react to my boundaries, but I think that I am generally prepared for nearly anything.

[Skip]

What does she want?

If she was a ghost in the meeting, that means she is not open to you.

Rather than make a grand communication of any type, why not make a small probe and see where she takes it.  You don't want to over pursue.

"hey, thanks for hanging out today (not confident sounding). i know that things are different now (not confident sounding), but I want you to know that I will always be here for you (over pursuing), whenever you need me"

"I enjoyed seeing you yesterday. Glad to hear that _______ (something she likes). Let's stay in touch."

This is more neutral. It will relieve tension, no engulfment, no abandonment anxiety.

It will let thinks sit lightly.  Maybe you'll hear from her in a day, week, year... .but the barrier is gone.

[valet]

What does she want?

If she was a ghost in the meeting, that means she is not open to you.

Rather than make a grand communication of any type, why not make a small communication and see where she takes it.  You don't want to over pursue.

"hey, thanks for hanging out today (not confident sounding). i know that things are different now (not confident sounding), but I want you to know that I will always be here for you (over pursuing), whenever you need me"

"I enjoyed seeing you yesterday. Glad to hear that _______ (something she likes). Let's stay in touch."

When she broke up with me she wanted a close friendship, which I think may be very possible. I do not know how to approach the situation though.

Your post gives me a much better perspective. I was thinking in extremes, and not really considering how I should actually be interpreting her mood. I need to remember that I am basically starting over here. The nice thing is that I am certainly painted in a good light now, since she was so open for a meeting.

At one moment, I said that she looked tired, and that we could have easily rescheduled. Her response was along the lines of 'No, I really wanted to do this'.

I'm not going to look at her motives for meeting me, as that's a whole big unproductive anthill that I don't even want to dive into, but I do need to focus more on creating an environment in which she can be comfortable around me again. Thanks, Skip!

[valet]

Also, some other information that I learned that opened up some abandonment fears of my own:

She told me that she probably won't be going back home when I do, and that she is rethinking getting the master's degree that we both mutually decided to go for.

Her ideas were either to move to a different city in the country that we now live in, or go home and move across the country to the city in which her sister lives.

I am currently in the process of thinking about how this makes me feel (which is kind of sad) and why I feel that way. It might actually be a stroke of luck if she isn't in the same geographical place as me for a while though: the only fear that I have yet to fully consider, and definitely haven't confronted. It could be the only way to a true friendship, for me at least, the final piece of information that I really need to detach fully.

But time will tell.