Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 31, 2024, 06:00:55 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
So, I just met up with my ex.
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: So, I just met up with my ex. (Read 528 times)
valet
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 966
So, I just met up with my ex.
«
on:
May 06, 2015, 10:37:09 AM »
And it was really strange.
I feel fine, great even, but talking to her was like talking to a ghost.
Obviously, I am absolutely not getting back together with her. That is dead and gone, and what I've learned here has only solidified that opinion. I had to carry the conversation on my back. It wasn't unpleasant, I'm just very concerned about her safety now.
I dunno, but I kind of want to send her a message like this:
"hey, thanks for hanging out today. i know that things are different now, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you, whenever you need me"
Would there be any harm in this? I feel that I've almost completely detached after this meeting, and I really don't mind opening myself up for her if she is truly in a desperate place and needs someone to talk to.
Other comments/thoughts welcome. Thanks guys and gals! I wouldn't be where I am without you.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Achaya
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 193
Re: So, I just met up with my ex.
«
Reply #1 on:
May 06, 2015, 10:49:21 AM »
I know the feeling valet, but I would suggest holding off on the offer of support.
I felt the same way during my last in person BU conversation with my ex (last week). I asked her for NC but made an exception: if she ever feels like harming herself in any way I want her to contact me. She has a history of self-harming, including serious suicidality, so it made me feel better to extend that lifeline. She told me she would manage her issues without me, but wasn't unkind about saying that. I think that is exactly what will happen, as she has always found both therapists, friends and lovers to provide whatever support she wants.
My ex and I often connected via her not-okay moods and my strong efforts to draw her out and provide support. I think that is a dance she and I both know how to do very well. I am so codependent, I was willing to accept this kind of non-reciprocal relating if she would at other times give me more mutuality, however limited that was.
Think about it valet, is she really at risk, and if so, what is the best way to take care of that? Do you think she can and will do something to get support and help if she really needs it? Is your longing to get in there and support her really about her needing that?
Logged
EaglesJuju
Retired Staff
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1653
Re: So, I just met up with my ex.
«
Reply #2 on:
May 06, 2015, 11:08:41 AM »
Quote from: valet on May 06, 2015, 10:37:09 AM
Would there be any harm in this? I feel that I've almost completely detached after this meeting, and I really don't mind opening myself up for her if she is truly in a desperate place and needs someone to talk to.
I think the harm is reliant on your feelings and boundaries. If you can truly be there for her as a source of support and not invest yourself romantically, then there really is not any harm. Boundaries and expectations are key. Do you think that she could handle you just being friends?
Logged
"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
valet
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 966
Re: So, I just met up with my ex.
«
Reply #3 on:
May 06, 2015, 11:19:29 AM »
Quote from: Achaya on May 06, 2015, 10:49:21 AM
Think about it valet, is she really at risk, and if so, what is the best way to take care of that? Do you think she can and will do something to get support and help if she really needs it?
Is your longing to get in there and support her really about her needing that?
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
To be honest, I have no idea how at risk she is, but the vibes that I got today were so negative that I can't help but believe that she is. She is not very good at talking about her emotions or problems, and I don't know if she is able help herself in that regard.
My ex is not good at trusting people with things like this. She let me in for a big part of the relationship, but a lot of her talking was done mainly to her extensive use of diaries/journals, and maybe one or two good mutual friends, whom she would eventually stop talking to in any kind of real, emotional sense. I know for a fact that she will most likely never seek any kind of professional help.
The bolded part: Yes, definitely. She is very important to me and I don't want to see her suffer. I know that this is not my responsibility logically, but I don't want her to end up dead or in some kind of terrible, destructive situation that will push her absolutely over the edge.
Quote from: EaglesJuju on May 06, 2015, 11:08:41 AM
I think the harm is reliant on your feelings and boundaries. If you can truly be there for her as a source of support and not invest yourself romantically, then there really is not any harm. Boundaries and expectations are key.  :)o you think that she could handle you just being friends?
I think that my boundaries are super solid with her right now. I will never be in a relationship with her again (or have any romantic feelings that will cause me suffering), therapy or otherwise. I generally don't look back with relationships anyways, and my instinct that she is a pwBPD only solidifies that resolution.
I truthfully don't know if she can handle that. If she wants to be honest with me about what she wants as far as I'm concerned, I will be honest with her. I don't know how she would react to my boundaries, but I think that I am generally prepared for nearly anything.
Logged
Skip
Site Director
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7031
Re: So, I just met up with my ex.
«
Reply #4 on:
May 06, 2015, 11:52:35 AM »
What does she want?
If she was a ghost in the meeting, that means she is not open to you.
Rather than make a grand communication of any type, why not make a small probe and see where she takes it. You don't want to over pursue.
"hey, thanks for hanging out today (
not confident sounding
). i know that things are different now (
not confident sounding
), but I want you to know that I will always be here for you (
over pursuing
), whenever you need me"
"I enjoyed seeing you yesterday. Glad to hear that _______ (something she likes). Let's stay in touch."
This is more neutral. It will relieve tension, no engulfment, no abandonment anxiety.
It will let thinks sit lightly. Maybe you'll hear from her in a day, week, year... .but the barrier is gone.
Logged
valet
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 966
Re: So, I just met up with my ex.
«
Reply #5 on:
May 06, 2015, 12:05:01 PM »
Quote from: Skip on May 06, 2015, 11:52:35 AM
What does she want?
If she was a ghost in the meeting, that means she is not open to you.
Rather than make a grand communication of any type, why not make a small communication and see where she takes it. You don't want to over pursue.
"hey, thanks for hanging out today (not confident sounding). i know that things are different now (not confident sounding), but I want you to know that I will always be here for you (over pursuing), whenever you need me"
"I enjoyed seeing you yesterday. Glad to hear that _______ (something she likes). Let's stay in touch."
When she broke up with me she wanted a close friendship, which I think may be very possible. I do not know how to approach the situation though.
Your post gives me a much better perspective. I was thinking in extremes, and not really considering how I should actually be interpreting her mood. I need to remember that I am basically starting over here. The nice thing is that I am certainly painted in a good light now, since she was so open for a meeting.
At one moment, I said that she looked tired, and that we could have easily rescheduled. Her response was along the lines of 'No, I really wanted to do this'.
I'm not going to look at her motives for meeting me, as that's a whole big unproductive anthill that I don't even want to dive into, but I do need to focus more on creating an environment in which she can be comfortable around me again. Thanks, Skip!
Logged
valet
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 966
Re: So, I just met up with my ex.
«
Reply #6 on:
May 06, 2015, 12:55:14 PM »
Also, some other information that I learned that opened up some abandonment fears of my own:
She told me that she probably won't be going back home when I do, and that she is rethinking getting the master's degree that we both mutually decided to go for.
Her ideas were either to move to a different city in the country that we now live in, or go home and move across the country to the city in which her sister lives.
I am currently in the process of thinking about how this makes me feel (which is kind of sad) and why I feel that way. It might actually be a stroke of luck if she isn't in the same geographical place as me for a while though: the only fear that I have yet to fully consider, and definitely haven't confronted. It could be the only way to a true friendship, for me at least, the final piece of information that I really need to detach fully.
But time will tell.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
So, I just met up with my ex.
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...