Finally No Contact, First Day

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have finally made the decision to stop contact with my mother (BPD) and my sister (uBPD?) I sent them an email explaining that i need to step back from the family, that i love them but i will not be accepting their calls, emails and then disconnected them from social media. (my brother is living with my mom at the age of 24, and has a serious heroin addiction which is recent to the last year.)

I have been in low to medium contact with them for years. From 16-18, i had no contact with my mom, but got drawn back in. Now, i live thousands of miles away.

So right now, I am feeling loss, grief and relieved at the same time.

The reason why I decided to finally go full on No Contact; I want to live MY life.

I want to move forward and thrive. No extreme extreme crises recently, just a lot of self reflection and awareness of how even low contact causes changes in my thinking, relationships, mood and attention. (this really spiked after a 2 day visit with my infant and husband about a month ago.)

They will never change, and I deserve to live fully as myself, with my own family and healthy relationships.

I am just feeling really out of sorts at the moment with these conflicting emotions. I really love my family, I want them to be happy, but I CAN NOT do that for them, I refuse to try to fix what is unfixable, and im finally DONE!

it's hard though... .but it's just day one... .

[NewlyNoContact]

I have finally made the decision to stop contact with my mother (BPD) and my sister (uBPD?) I sent them an email explaining that i need to step back from the family, that i love them but i will not be accepting their calls, emails and then disconnected them from social media. (my brother is living with my mom at the age of 24, and has a serious heroin addiction which is recent to the last year.)

I have been in low to medium contact with them for years. From 16-18, i had no contact with my mom, but got drawn back in. Now, i live thousands of miles away.

So right now, I am feeling loss, grief and relieved at the same time.

The reason why I decided to finally go full on No Contact; I want to live MY life.

I want to move forward and thrive. No extreme extreme crises recently, just a lot of self reflection and awareness of how even low contact causes changes in my thinking, relationships, mood and attention. (this really spiked after a 2 day visit with my infant and husband about a month ago.)

They will never change, and I deserve to live fully as myself, with my own family and healthy relationships.

I am just feeling really out of sorts at the moment with these conflicting emotions. I really love my family, I want them to be happy, but I CAN NOT do that for them, I refuse to try to fix what is unfixable, and im finally DONE!

it's hard though... .but it's just day one... .

[nursedaughter]

Congratulations on choosing your own soul's wellbeing and your own wellbeing over someone else's!  We know that BPDs have a "black hole" of need that no one can ever fill.  Be strong, my friend.  You remember that black hole when you start to feel the guilt.  You could pour your whole self in there, but she would still be needy and when your soul is sucked dry she will move on to others while keeping you prisoner.  You have fought back and you have that to be proud of and hold on to! 

[NewlyNoContact]

Congratulations on choosing your own soul's wellbeing and your own wellbeing over someone else's!  We know that BPDs have a "black hole" of need that no one can ever fill.  Be strong, my friend.  You remember that black hole when you start to feel the guilt.  You could pour your whole self in there, but she would still be needy and when your soul is sucked dry she will move on to others while keeping you prisoner.  You have fought back and you have that to be proud of and hold on to!  

Thank you for that.

It's hard to remember that right now, my emotions are like up and down today. One minute i am calm and remember my cognitive functions, the next minute im balling my eyes out. I cannot remember the last time i cried like this. I feel awful.

it would have been easier if it happened right after an extreme episode, but it didn't. I think to them it came out of nowhere. I didn't tell them they have issues in the email. i kept it simple and to the point.

I am beginning to wonder if i should have waited and done it another way... .but i am not going back on this.

[NewlyNoContact]

I can let go of her now... .instead of listen to her talk (every day for the next 10 years) about how she just knows she is going to die soon and i am going to regret everything.


i mean i know i am doing this for the right reasons. i know this is BEST for me and MY family, husband and children.

I just really need support right now. My husband is so amazing, but It is good to know there are others out there who have been through the same situations.

[ViaCrusis1689]

((hugs)). I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you, but it is a very brave to make the decision to put your and your family's well-being first. It is completely normal to feel so torn. Of course you love your family and feel obligated to remain in contact with them, but I believe when there is possible abuse and obvious dysfunction, putting yourself first is a must!

I wish I could limit contact with my uBPDm, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I have to live with her. The only thing that keeps me sane is that my dad balances things out some and supports me a lot in regards to emotionally giving me an outlet to vent to him, and he keeps things humorous, which just ticks my mom off.

I wish you all the best, and it will get better!

[Hopeful0904]

I admire your strength and courage to go no contact with your mother. The longest I have been no contact with my mom is 3 months which seemed like a lifetime as we usually keep in contact on a day to day basis. But I am at a point right now where I believe keeping in touch with her is hurting me more than helping me. I just want to ask you what are all your reasons behind cutting contact with her? How do you know it's the right thing and you won't be making a mistake in some time? Thanks!

[Panda39]

I cannot remember the last time i cried like this. I feel awful.

6 years ago I went through a kind of breakdown that turned into a series of breakthroughs.  I cried everyday for a year... .I let go of pain I held on to for 20 years. So I say let it out... .just let it out... .give yourself permission.

I also cried every time I had an epiphanie... .every time I took a step towards loving myself... .tears were a signal to me that I was on to something authentic.

Hang in there 

[Naughty Nibbler]

it would have been easier if it happened right after an extreme episode, but it didn't. I think to them it came out of nowhere. I didn't tell them they have issues in the email. i kept it simple and to the point.

Hi Newly. .

I think you will work through the emotions of your decision.  Personally, I can testify, that I don't think it is any easier after a recent event.

Unfortunately, my uBPD sister lives within 10 miles from me. I can't go full no contact with my sister for several months or perhaps a year.  My Dad passed in Oct and then my Mom passed in Feb.  We have to deal with estate issues and the sale of my parents home.

Unofficially, I've stopped phone conversations with my sister, after a rage event 6 weeks ago.  I avoided emails for several days, but have had to resume email interactions to address estate matters.  It didn't take me long to get reinforcement in regard to my decision to stop phone conversations.

I got a voice mail from my sister on Monday.  I feel rather guilty in that I've assigned a ringtone to her that starts with ":)on't you answer the phone, the one who's calling is nuts. . ." and then I have an evil looking graphic that appears on my phone.  (guess it's my way of venting).  Anyway, during the course of the voice mail, my sister worked in the following comments to me: "put your big girl panties on", "you need to grow up",  "get off your pedestal", "you aren't perfect either" "what's wrong with you" and finally "I can't understand why you are acting the way you are, it doesn't make any sense".

The voice mail reinforced my position of no phone conversations.  If I have to address any urgent business with her, I'll try a text message.

I discussed the voice mail with my therapist on Monday.  She requested to listen to it and I played it for her.  I haven't decided if it is worth it to address any of the critical/condescending comments my sister made in the voicemail .  I've already sent a vanilla reply that addressed the actual estate information she needed. I kept the reply to specific estate issues and did not mention her other remarks.

I don't know if I have it in me to walk on enough egg shells to construct a therapeutically acceptable email to address my sister's offensive comments.  It was suggested that I draft something and bring it into my next therapy session on Monday, but I've lost interest in it.

Again, good decision on your part.  I don't think most of the BPDs in our lives will ever get it.  I guess in some situations, we may have to be content to leave them thinking we are crazy.

[ronallie]

Just take it one day at a time.

Sounds like you have a baby? First one? Things just get put more into perspective when you become a mother, am I right?

I could always handle my mother at a distance when it was just me, but when I had my child, it was difficult to handle uBPD mom at all. I had much more important things to tend to than her constant need for attention and drama. I also felt a strong need to protect my child from any abuse from her.

Anyway, there are no rules to this. You have to do what makes you feel safe and healthy. 

Just keep being a good mother yourself and get into therapy if you are not already.

For me the hardest part was telling people I don't speak to my own mother. I don't actually have a problem not having contact with mother  ... .it's more that people do not understand it. It's not normal for people to not speak to their mother. Let's face it, it is NOT NORMAL to have a BPD person treat us the way they do, so people don't get it.

I don't remember my first day NC looking back. It's now almost 7 years and I can't believe that it's been so long. Some days I am sad, some days mad. The majority of days, I never think of her at all!

During this time of space, decide what you want for the future. Are you open for a relationship with boundaries? You can call the shots here, but take your time because it's so very easy to fall into the same pattern again. FOG can be so tough!

(I am open to a relationship but my mom is not willing to respect my boundaries. So she actually thinks she is NC with me But she knows what she needs to do and either can't or wont cooperate. )

Be kind to yourself during this time. You are doing your best and it is important to remember that.