Wrote this a while back... .
Upholding our values and independenceValues. A healthy relationship is sometimes described as an
“inter-dependent” relationship of two
“independent” people. Regardless of the type of relationship, we all come to it with values that we intend to honor and defend regardless of the nature of the relationship - these are known as core values or independent values - this is what defines us.
We also have values that we are prepared to mold and adapt as we blend with the other person in the relationship - these become inter-dependent values - this is how we grow together.
Having a healthy relationship takes a great deal of self awareness and knowing:
- which values are independent, core values to be upheld by us and defended (in a constructive way, of course), and
- which values are more open for compromise or replacement based on our blending with and building a relationship with another person (partner, friend, relative).
Independent core values Identify and live your personal values! Independent core values determine our decisions and guide our lives. It's important that we stay true to them- they should be clearly reflected in the life choices we make. Those who value their individuality take responsibility, are self-reliant and act with self-respect. Those who value truthfulness cannot bring themselves to tell a lie. Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others. Those who value goodness cannot bring themselves to do something they know is wrong. We express values in our relations with other people when we are loyal, reliable, honest, generous, trusting, trustworthy, feel a sense of responsibility for family, friends, co-workers, our organization, community or country.
Be realistic Being realistic about values is important. If we have an unusually large number of uncompromisable independent values / core values, we may be too dogmatic to have a relationship with very many people. At the same time, if we have so few independent values, or such a weak commitment to them, we will then be "undefined" to ourselves and to others. When that happens, the only values that matter are those of others. The latter is common in codependent or enmeshed relationships.
Boundaries Boundaries are how we define our values to others. A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values - it's like a fence - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not. For example, if your independent core value is "
always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be
"would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?" It's not always obvious - we all see things differently. As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be
consistent.
There are three types of boundaries:~ Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.
~ Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.
~ Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.
Defending Boundaries Even when we live our values responsibly, we can still encounter boundary busting.
When this happens, we should first challenge ourselves. Counter-intuitive, I know. <1> Did we make choices that were inconsistent with our independent core values? If so, which was wrong, the
value or the
choice? Do we need to change one? <2> Have we been consistent in our actions and effective in our communications? Or have we been sending a mixed message? Do we need to dedicate the time and effort to clean this up (this takes time)?
We also need to look at all the options(
s) we have to available to us to help us navigate back and stay true to our value. I use the plural form of option because just saying "no" and taking timeout is not enough. Yes, it helps greatly in the moment, but if we are in a value hostile environment, we need to look at all the ways we can address that.
Having values empowers us and motivates others.I listen to the points of view of others and take them seriously
I treat everybody with respect
I am always supportive of family and friends
I am totally honest in all my dealings with others
... .and I expect that same. Defending boundaries (without values) tends to be shallow, reactive, and confrontationalI will not tolerate you getting in my face (stated aggressively)
If you do things I don't like, I will respond by doing things that are equally distressing to you
You weren't there when I needed you, so I wasn't there when you need me
Etc.