Bad Day, Really Bad Day. Can't breath right from all of this thinking . . .

[Olivia_D]

This is just an incredibly bad day.  I want a lobotomy.  I don't want this to have this much power over my brain.  It's a Friday and now I am wondering what he is doing?  Does he ever even think about me?  Does he recognize anything unhealthy?  One last comment that he made to me in one of the final emails was that "you are an incredibly beautiful and true human being.  The truest I have ever known.  I know that you tend to go into your shell when you are hurt.  Do not go into your shell as you have been hurt enough.  So much so that no one else or nothing else would possibly cause you any further hurt.  Wake up in the morning and love yourself.  What were you intended to do in this life? Do not let the fear of others define who you are as a person." 

This was before the big disappearing act so I guess it was one of his many covert messages.  On the surface it seems almost loving or even apologetic.  I guess I can state generally that his job includes sanctioned manipulation for purposes of strategy and he is formally trained to play mind games.  Was this my pep talk?  I don't know what to think anymore other than I am exhausted.  I don't know why Fridays and Sundays always get to me as he and I rarely ever saw each other.  This is just maddening.

[Achaya]

I am really sorry. I am quite familiar with the over thinking thing. I have been preoccupied/obsessing about my ex and the BU nonstop for almost a month. It seems to be more intense at some times, then at other times my mind is quieter. I can't concentrate on my usual hobbies because of lack of energy or heart, but my mind goes rattling on.

I think there is something to the idea that people who stay involved with personality disordered partners are people with a compulsion to "understand." In me it feels like an effort to solve a problem by thinking about it. It doesn't work, because the problem takes at least two to solve, with both of them working hard at it over a long time. One thing that helps me somewhat to limit the rumination is to remind myself that it doesn't matter why it happened or what the dynamics are---what really matters is that the ex partner is not willing or able to make a sufficiently strong commitment to work on the relationship and solve the problems. I found out I couldn't do it alone. Nobody can.

[dagwoodbowser]

This was before the big disappearing act so I guess it was one of his many covert messages.  On the surface it seems almost loving or even apologetic.  I guess I can state generally that his job includes sanctioned manipulation for purposes of strategy and he is formally trained to play mind games.  Was this my pep talk?

I've posted here often about the power and seduction of Words. Hopefully this particular post wont be deleted? Seducers and manipulators have various tools and assets at their disposal. Whether they actually realize it our have simply learned by the effects and reactions of others, Words are the arrows they hold in their quiver along with other types of weapons. It took me a while and several recycles to realize that you must focus on one's Actions, not on their words. Words spoken or written are far too easy to toss around but far more effective to mislead. I'm not sure why as humans we are so hung up on what someone says or writes to us VS. what they actually do for us. Seems some people would rather "hear" someone tell them I Love You 10 X a day then focus on that one random, true act of kindness. Pay attention to what someone Does, not what they Say... .


“The next time you try to seduce anyone, don't do it with talk, with words. Women know more about words than men ever will. And they know how little they can ever possibly mean.”

― William Faulkner

[myself]

Honestly, this is still pretty new for you and the detoxing/detaching/grieving is probably going to come in waves for awhile, sometimes worse than others. What are you able to do that helps take your mind off of things? Reading, walking, sleeping, hobbies... .Introspection's great, asking questions too, but when you need a break from that stuff take it. It's healthy to.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey OliviaD, sorry this is such a rough day.  Isn't today 30 days NC for you?  When I took my stop-smoking class, my instructor told us there were certain days that were very risky for relapse... .day #1, day #7, day #14, day #30, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, etc.  It was very helpful for me to know in advance that those days were likely to be hard and that my emotional response to them was normal.  It also helped for me to know in advance to be on guard against temptation to smoke.  Makes me think of you and that today, day #30, may be particularly hard simply because it is day #30.  Like waves in the ocean.  Sometimes they are big and sometimes small, sometimes still, and other times a godd*mn storm.  Sounds like today is a very stormy day.  Hang on, know where you are (in a storm), know the context and know that storms do NOT last forever.  Doesn't make it fun or easy while you are in it, but can help to know what the heck is going on. 

Hang in there! 

[Dunder]

This is just an incredibly bad day.  I want a lobotomy.  I don't want this to have this much power over my brain.  It's a Friday and now I am wondering what he is doing?  :)oes he ever even think about me?  :)oes he recognize anything unhealthy?  One last comment that he made to me in one of the final emails was that "you are an incredibly beautiful and true human being.  The truest I have ever known.  I know that you tend to go into your shell when you are hurt.  :)o not go into your shell as you have been hurt enough.  So much so that no one else or nothing else would possibly cause you any further hurt.  Wake up in the morning and love yourself.  What were you intended to do in this life? Do not let the fear of others define who you are as a person."  

This was before the big disappearing act so I guess it was one of his many covert messages.  On the surface it seems almost loving or even apologetic.  I guess I can state generally that his job includes sanctioned manipulation for purposes of strategy and he is formally trained to play mind games.  Was this my pep talk?  I don't know what to think anymore other than I am exhausted.  I don't know why Fridays and Sundays always get to me as he and I rarely ever saw each other.  This is just maddening.

Olivia, I would have no idea how to interpret his last email message to you. It just reminds me of how my EX frequently wrote me messages that were downright inscrutable. I was constantly left scratching my head as to what the hidden meaning to her messages were. She often communicated with me using memes and quotations instead of directly saying what was on her mind. I remind myself that I would never communicate with another person this way, that it's just too important to me not to be misinterpreted but somehow my EX needed the protection of indeterminate meaning. This fueled my ruminating as I suspect it is fueling yours. In the case of my EX, I believe it was a means for emotional survival, but it served to torment me with confusion and self doubt.

I'm on day 37. The process hasn't been as linear as I would have expected. I go a couple of days of feeling better and then I plateau or slip back a little. It's tough. I'm hoping 100 days of complete NC will cure me. 

[willtimeheal]

Dagwood... .I agree. Watch a person's actions.  My exBPD would tell me she loved me multiple times a day.  I was praised through words non stop and later abused by them. But when I look back now and when I finally had that what the heck moment during the relationship it was... .That her actions didn't match her words. Not even close.

[Beach_Babe]

30 days? Congrats! Its hard I know, but a necessary part of healing. ♡