Still struggling in my 70s with effects of middle-aged son's BPD

[Senior Mom]

Here I sit shut up in a back room of my home with my dog, listening to the sounds of my adult grandson helping his dad pack and load some of the latter's belongings to move them out of my house. The past two months were rough, but the past few days absolute hell.

I'd thought (hoped) that when he remarried several years ago that he would find real happiness that would help him overcome his BPD overreactions and rages. Unfortunately, she divorced him two months ago and he ended up in my home again. I then became the target of his anger and rages (a scapegoat for her because he still keeps her on a pedestal). I mostly tried to endure the things he said to me because he wasn't drinking, only taking pain meds (opiates) the V.A. doctors who KNOW he has a history of drug and alcohol abuse prescribe in large dosages. Those pills make him crazy, but when he started binge drinking a few days ago, what I call "the monster" emerged.

It' s very sad when everywhere there are references to Mother's Day coming up to have my son frequently curse and threaten me. It finally got so bad I thought he was really going to hit me, and he could have injured me badly--perhaps not even being fully aware of it--so I ran from him and called the police. While he was locked up for 24 hours, I went before a judge at municipal court and filed a restraining order (so that he could only enter my home accompanied either by my grandson or an officer to get this belongings). I also, because he'd been here more than three days, thought staying here free, had to officially "evict" him.

It wasn't the first time I've had him arrested. I've also had him committed for mental health care by a court order when he was drinking himself into alcohol poisoning, but the doctor in charge of the behavioral health program where they sent him released him in less than a week because he can be charming and persuasive after he sobers up and has a motive for appearing "normal."

I've also called an ambulance and the police the last time he lived with me for a while because he lay in bed and cut his wrists (again, while drunk). He hated me for a long time for both of those events, so there's no reason to think he won't hate me for this latest incident even though I was trying to protect myself.

I've cried so many tears that I feel sick and empty. My two other adult children live in other states, and I hear from them rarely. I called my daughter and told her about having her brother arrested, but even though it's now the weekend, she hasn't bothered to call and check on me. So much for children bringing joy in your old age!  Ha! If it weren't for my loving grandchildren, I would feel totally alone in the world.

I've tried for so many years to help my son and encourage him to get therapy. He's tried bits and pieces, but doesn't stick with anything long. H is health has suffered a lot because of the abuse to his body. My grandson's wife told me the judge ordered my son to attend a weekly class in anger management and to continue his mental health therapy sessions. So, I'm hoping . . . once again.

I'm sure that the emotional pain I'm feeling is common on this website, but I needed to put it in writing.  I've made the commitment to myself that I won't allow him to stay at my home again. I won't pay his bills or loan him money when he wastes his own on trivia (yes, he's bipolar also, and manic episodes cause that). I won't make excuses for his behavior or do anything at all to help (or "enable" is the appropriate word, I suppose) him to hurt me or other people and not face the consequences for it. From what he said to my granddaughter-in-law (that she told me about), I think his situation's sunk in and he knows that he's really messed up his present and his future. I only hope he uses that knowledge to get the professional help he needs.

As for me--I'm a strong woman. I've had to be strong in my lifetime, and just because I'm aging and have health issues doesn't relieve me of the need to be emotionally and mentally strong again. I will endure.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Hi Senior Mom,

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I'm 61, so not far behind in age.

I really hope you keep your commitment to not allow your son to live with you again. In my opinion, nothing will change if you do. It's great that he's in therapy. You can be supportive by seeing him at your grandson's, continuing to love him, but protecting yourself. You deserve so much better than he's heaped on you.

Take good care of yourself.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Senior Mom,

I'm glad that you are here telling us your story.  You are a strong woman that has endured much and I'm sorry that you have had to endure all these painful things.


Sometimes, hitting rock bottom and being forced by the courts to get help is the only way our BPD children will get better.  God bless you for being strong enough, loving yourself enough, and loving your son enough to do what needed to be done.



lbj