Saw my ex with 2nd new guy in 3 months...

[valet]

It was a very weird experience.

I hadn't physically seen her with anyone else until last night. I was walking down the street with my friend and she just strolled on by, new guy in tow, looking happy as a peach.

My feelings are mixed: Sadness (for her, mainly, as this only adds more evidence that she is truly disordered to the already mounting pile), Anger, Bewilderment. I really didn't expect something like that to hit me so hard.

My brain feels pretty scrambled, even though I've already resolved the idea of ever being back with her in my head.

Any advice here?

[FannyB]

You were triggered - it can happen to us as well as them. You've suppressed her significance to you as part of your recovery - and that brought it back to the surface again. As you said, it proves that she is disordered and that you've analysed her behaviours correctly. Once you've had time to process what you've seen you'll be fine. You know that no-one can stay with her long term - that was the visual confirmation of that thought hammering the golden nails home.

[valet]

Thanks Fanny. Your statement gives me some confidence about how I have judged things.

The tricky part, for me, is that I know she wants a friendship, and so do I.

One day at a time, I suppose.

[Infared]

I think that you took in the most important message... .that she is disordered and that visual is extremely painful, but also very helpful for closure... .as we generally do not get any closure from a pwBPD.

I know how painful that moment is... .I think that moment was the single most painful moment in my life.

All you can do is work at accepting that reality, and continue to focus on you and your growth & healing.  Why don't you seek out extra support today from friends and family and do something really nice for just you?

Sorry you have to go thru this... .but you sound pretty balanced about it. That's good!

[valet]

Thank you.

To be perfectly honest, I'm sick and tired of thinking about this crap!

I've figured out the problems, and it seems to me now that I'm just dwelling on her behaviors because I don't want to let go of this.

That moment hurt pretty bad, but 12 hours removed from it I already feel fine.

Maybe it is time to say goodbye to these boards and throw it all in the trash, so that I can actually move on?

[dobie]

Valet you seem very stable I don't want to even think how I would feel or react if I saw my x with my replacement

The fact you are able to bounce back so quick and still consider being friends shows how much further on you are than me

IMHO you sound like you are clearly at the acceptance stage and doing great buddy 

[FannyB]

The tricky part, for me, is that I know she wants a friendship, and so do I.

Valet

I'm in LC with my ex as we want to stay friends too. However, every day on these boards reinforces the pointlessness of rekindling a sexual relationship with her and helps me to keep things at arm's length. I have to avoid bumping into her though as I'd likely react the same way that you did.

[valet]

The tricky part, for me, is that I know she wants a friendship, and so do I.

Valet

I'm in LC with my ex as we want to stay friends too. However, every day on these boards reinforces the pointlessness of rekindling a sexual relationship with her and helps me to keep things at arm's length. I have to avoid bumping into her though as I'd likely react the same way that you did.

Yeah, no doubts about not wanting her back for me.

How have you approached LC? What does that entail for you?

[Infared]

Thank you.

To be perfectly honest, I'm sick and tired of thinking about this crap!

I've figured out the problems, and it seems to me now that I'm just dwelling on her behaviors because I don't want to let go of this.

That moment hurt pretty bad, but 12 hours removed from it I already feel fine.

Maybe it is time to say goodbye to these boards and throw it all in the trash, so that I can actually move on?

If you feel that strong... .that's great. GO FOR IT! 

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks Fanny. Your statement gives me some confidence about how I have judged things.

The tricky part, for me, is that I know she wants a friendship, and so do I.

One day at a time, I suppose.

Sometimes I think the universe supplies exactly what we need at any given time.

Two months after the b/u I saw my ex out on a date - I was at a restaurant my ex and I visited frequently; my friend had suggested we meet there for dinner.

The experience felt like a punch in the stomach. Only a month before she had been saying that "we" were a possibility in the future. My friend apologized for suggesting the restaurant in the first place.  I told him not to feel sorry; the universe had decided to show me something I needed to see - and I really viewed it that way at the time. I still do. It was painful, but it definitely helped me move on.

You've already stated that your experience helped you more deeply accept that she is disordered - two romantic involvements in three months after a two year r/s makes it pretty clear that she hasn't processed her b/u with you. She is probably trying to self-soothe with new attachments, which is sad - but it's par for the course for the disorder.

Perhaps there's another message for you, though.  Perhaps the universe is also telling you that you simply aren't ready for any kind of friendship with her yet.  The degree to which you were triggered, and the degree to which you are dwelling on things and "sick and tired of thinking about this crap" just means that you are still in the middle of processing everything - and that a friendship in the near future might actually be harmful to you.

[valet]

Perhaps there's another message for you, though.  Perhaps the universe is also telling you that you simply aren't ready for any kind of friendship with her yet.  The degree to which you were triggered, and the degree to which you are dwelling on things and "sick and tired of thinking about this crap" just means that you are still in the middle of processing everything - and that a friendship in the near future might actually be harmful to you.

The more that I actually consider this, the more that I realize that what everyone is telling me is probably true.

I am not ready.

My fears at the current moment revolve around the idea that maybe it will never happen, and I'll never talk to her again or be as close as I want to now. This is something that I manage to let go of from time to time, but it still bugs me. I need to stop thinking about the future, at least regarding her.

I doubt that the possibility of friendship will ever disappear. I need to not worry about that and concentrate on myself for a while.

[jhkbuzz]

Perhaps there's another message for you, though.  Perhaps the universe is also telling you that you simply aren't ready for any kind of friendship with her yet.  The degree to which you were triggered, and the degree to which you are dwelling on things and "sick and tired of thinking about this crap" just means that you are still in the middle of processing everything - and that a friendship in the near future might actually be harmful to you.

The more that I actually consider this, the more that I realize that what everyone is telling me is probably true.

I am not ready.

My fears at the current moment revolve around the idea that maybe it will never happen, and I'll never talk to her again or be as close as I want to now. This is something that I manage to let go of from time to time, but it still bugs me. I need to stop thinking about the future, at least regarding her.

I doubt that the possibility of friendship will ever disappear. I need to not worry about that and concentrate on myself for a while.

Yes.

I think it might also be necessary to let go of that "hope" of friendship - it is keeping you attached, which might impede your healing.

I understand that hope - I had it for a while as well. I let go of it when I realized that there was NO way I could deal with having a friendship because we would naturally talk about our lives - including new significant others.  After raising a child together and having dreams of growing old together, that kind of "friendship" seemed utterly bizarre to me.  This was, in part, because I wasn't detached.

9 months post b/u and I feel as though I'm in the final stages of healing from the r/s.  I understand so much more about the disorder now - that much of her behavior towards me wasn't personal, although it sure felt like it at the time. I am also increasingly understanding more about myself as well.

I started thinking a week or two ago that at some point I might unblock her on FB because she would no longer be a trigger for me. It also occurred to me the other day that a friendship might actually be a possibility - although I'm not there yet and I don't have any timetable for it. I'm also well aware that it might never happen, and that could be a good thing too. Either possibility is fine with me; I'm not attached to the outcome.

I think the only reason that any of this feels possible is that I'm close to being completely detached.

[FannyB]

How have you approached LC? What does that entail for you?

Valet

Mainly catch up texts to find out how she's doing. She messages occasionally to tell me about job applications etc. It's a bit like having a penfriend really. Contact is becoming more sporadic as we both lose interest and gradually detach. No contact from the off was just too brutal for me - and I wasn't comfortable with it as a concept as I was confident I didn't want her back and was beyond being recycled. 

[Infared]

Perhaps there's another message for you, though.  Perhaps the universe is also telling you that you simply aren't ready for any kind of friendship with her yet.  The degree to which you were triggered, and the degree to which you are dwelling on things and "sick and tired of thinking about this crap" just means that you are still in the middle of processing everything - and that a friendship in the near future might actually be harmful to you.

The more that I actually consider this, the more that I realize that what everyone is telling me is probably true.

I am not ready.

My fears at the current moment revolve around the idea that maybe it will never happen, and I'll never talk to her again or be as close as I want to now. This is something that I manage to let go of from time to time, but it still bugs me. I need to stop thinking about the future, at least regarding her.

I doubt that the possibility of friendship will ever disappear. I need to not worry about that and concentrate on myself for a while.

You sound REALLY good valet... .balanced and self introspective.  I mean that.

My situation was different, as mine ran out of a 5-year, live-in relationship with a replacement 2 weeks before Christmas. Telling me there was no one. I saw them six months later at "my" surfing beach (neither one of them surfs, and she had told me that he did not go to the beach months back as I was strict NC at the time of the run-in.)... . 

She looked down at the sand and told him it was me walking up the beach... .and then they got into this love embrace.  It was obvious to me that they (she) had planned

the "event", just to hurt me, on purpose.  I was totally alone and minding my own business.   It was an extremely painful moment for me.  Quite honestly, I am still bewildered by that (they did many more similar things whenever I was accidentally around them).   I just could never wrap my head around the behavior. We are talking about two people in there late 30's (at the time).  I did not mistreat this woman. God, I never even called her a name. Ever.  

It was difficult to process this as it was not the person that I had known.   I have to chalk it up to a disorder or mental illness... .or something not normal.

The behavior devastated me... .but showed me "who she was" in a really powerful way.

So ... .that being said ... .I think you have really really healthy perspective about your run-in... .I find that these things are just part of life apparently.  

[Wellthatescaltedquickly]

I'm kind of in the same boat as the OP.  I want to just stop thinking completely about my ex, which includes reading these boards, as they make me think about her and what we had. However, reading about such similar situations to mine helps in a way, and I believe they do help with recovery.

I saw my ex with a new guy and I had very mixed emotions throughout the day, ranging from anger, sadness, and then relief that she wasn't my problem anymore.  The fact that she had said that she didn't want to date anyone for a while because she had to "get her life together" is a proving point to me that she indeed is troubled, as it was a month ago that she had said that (which was a week after we broke up).  The best thing for me is to not think of them, or whatever they're doing.  Every time a thought of them occurs, I quickly replace it with thinking of a couple new girls I'm interested in, and This replacement method is working great.  It's also helping me get over the sadness I felt after the breakup because I realize I'll have another relationship soon and that life, indeed, does go on.

Another perspective I thought about after reading the original post is that I felt as though I was the 1st "new guy in 3 months." (Not saying I am in the OP's particular situation, but more in a general sense).  My ex broke up with the guy I had replaced a few months before meeting me, and she and I were dating a few months after that.  It was a quick relationship and now a month after discarding me, she has her new guy. 

As that "first guy", I've realized now that she would hope to run into her ex, to screw with his mind.  It just so happened that a place I frequented was a place he would go to.  I had no idea of that when I originally took her there.  Thinking back, I feel as though she studied up on me through social media and knew about places I liked going, and I do remember one time before we were dating, in casual conversation, that I told her and a couple other people that I liked going to this particular place.  After a few times of going there, she told me that she had just found out that he would go there as well.  She told me the the backstory of how that relationship went (which, surprise surprise, she was a victim) and I was determined to not run into him.  She would ask why I didn't want to go to that place, as she really enjoyed going there, and would convince me to go by saying that if her ex was there, we'd simply leave.  Thinking back on that, what a f-ed up itch with a capital B!  She manipulated me in the hopes of getting under his skin.

So as a "new guy," at least for me, it was never my intent to hurt whoever I replaced.  Fortunately we (the guy I replaced and myself) never ran into each other with her by my side.  After doing a little Facebook searching, back when I was still with my ex, I found out I already knew her ex and had met him before when they were still dating (I wouldn't meet her until several months later by sheer coincidence).  Such a small world.

[valet]

I definitely understand those feelings of hating someone that doesn't deserve it.

It has truly given me empathy in a strange variety of ways, for the person that I replaced and for the people that will and have replaced me and probably be told that I wasn't good enough, or maybe not even be informed of my existence at all.

My ex only painted the ex's that said pretty awful stuff to her after she broke up with them black. I think I have avoided this by maintaining my composure and being sensible in our communications thus far. I will only become more sensible, as well, so I'm not concerned about my reputation being damaged. The liars will have to experience that guilt in their own way, and my hands feel clean whether or not a smear campaign has been launched (which I doubt).

My ex was with my best friend before her and I started dating (I replaced him 2 weeks after they broke up.  . I resented him for nearly a year and half while I was with her, and that took a while to get over. He said some really terrible things to both of us and was very immature about everything. I don't regret those feelings, but it took me a while to fully realize why he was so hurt, even though I was incredibly sensitive about the relationship and hid it from him for quite a while.

I've only seen him once in nearly 3 years since. Kind of sad, but that's all in the past and I think that everyone is on pretty good terms now.

All of that said, I think that this was a major stroke of luck for me. I'd rather experience these feelings sooner than later. It's kind of like exercising. The more you run, or the more pushups you do, the stronger your body becomes. The mind is similar to the body in this way. Detachment is tolerance. Tolerance to the point of relative indifference is freedom.

I am confident in myself that I will get there, but there is more work to be done.

[valet]

Also, I want to let it be known that I haven't really myself been against seeing other people. I've been making an effort to get out there, and the city that I am in is conducive to lots of non-emotionally involved relationships. In a lot of ways, from an outsider's perspective, I am exhibiting the same general behaviors as my ex. My aim is only to have fun, and I don't feel that I have made any bad choices since being single.

I want to hold myself accountable here as well, because I am doing much of the same stuff that she's doing. I'm just not looking for anything serious, and she seems to really be attaching herself to people, from my perspective. That hurts in a special way, because I care about her and know that she isn't going to find what she needs, especially considering the circumstances. Seeing the misery expressed on her social media account after my friend (the first replacement) ended things with her partially confirms this.

Here's something that I felt today: she looked really happy with guy last night. That kind of put a smile on my face this afternoon. I wish her the best. I think that I need to sink back into the shadows and fully detach for now though. She will have her moments of misery and there is nothing that I can do about that. Her ability to introspect is different than mine. I must accept her for the person that she is. I cannot change her. I cannot guide her. I cannot help her anymore than she desires. This, I believe, is the final piece of the puzzle.

My priorities have shifted, suddenly, after having had this experience, it seems. It is not about detaching from the relationship anymore. It is about detaching from the inherent sense of responsibility that I have towards her.

[jhkbuzz]

Also, I want to let it be known that I haven't really myself been against seeing other people. I've been making an effort to get out there, and the city that I am in is conducive to lots of non-emotionally involved relationships. In a lot of ways, from an outsider's perspective, I am exhibiting the same general behaviors as my ex. My aim is only to have fun, and I don't feel that I have made any bad choices since being single.

I want to hold myself accountable here as well, because I am doing much of the same stuff that she's doing. I'm just not looking for anything serious, and she seems to really be attaching herself to people, from my perspective. That hurts in a special way, because I care about her and know that she isn't going to find what she needs, especially considering the circumstances. Seeing the misery expressed on her social media account after my friend (the first replacement) ended things with her partially confirms this.

Here's something that I felt today: she looked really happy with guy last night. That kind of put a smile on my face this afternoon. I wish her the best. I think that I need to sink back into the shadows and fully detach for now though. She will have her moments of misery and there is nothing that I can do about that. Her ability to introspect is different than mine. I must accept her for the person that she is. I cannot change her. I cannot guide her. I cannot help her anymore than she desires. This, I believe, is the final piece of the puzzle.



My priorities have shifted, suddenly, after having had this experience, it seems. It is not about detaching from the relationship anymore. It is about detaching from the inherent sense of responsibility that I have towards her.

That's part of the process of detaching, valet.  Good for you - you're doing the work and making progress