Is it OK to tell adult daughter to get help before contacting me again?

[BoxcarDaisy]

My adult daughter has behaviors that send shockwaves (financial and emotional) through our lives and the lives of her husband and children.  It's like she presses the earthquake button, watches everyone run around trying to salvage what they can, and then she wonders why people eventually push her away.  Her husband, whom we love, is filing for divorce after 15 years of her inexplicable behavior.

As always, she is the victim.  He is abandoning her.  The truth is, after what she has put him through, I can't believe he has stayed as long as he has.  The last time she devastated her family with drama, depression, alcohol and pills, I offered to pay for the best psychiatric care available, she cleaned up her act, then dumped the doctor and went back to her old behaviors, including drinking herself into a stupor every night.

Right now she's devastated and scared, blaming him for abandoning her, and telling me that my job is to 'be there for her'.  No one in my life has every been crueler to me, betrayed me worse, caused me countless hours of anguish.  It never ends.  It never, ever ends.

Is it OK to tell her not to contact me until she is in treatment?  I can't keep going through this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi BoxCarDaisy,

I'm sorry that you feel so beat up and see no end to it. 

I remember from another of your posts that you are trying to find a way to get your daughter back into therapy.  Is setting this boundary that she be in therapy to contact you something you are willing to stand by and defend?  No one can tell you what boundaries to set, we can only give you feedback on your question.

My concern would be that you feel like your r/s with your daughter will be greatly improved if she is attending therapy.  I hope that is true and am also aware that progress in therapy and translating that progress to relationships take time.  Is the boundary to protect you or is the boundary to get her into therapy?  Which is the primary catalyst for setting this boundary?

lbj

[BoxcarDaisy]

Absolutely without question, the boundary would be to get her into therapy for her own sake.  She is so filled with pain and always has been.  I recognize that her grief, especially at losing a husband she adores, is confusing and terrible.  She needs me now, but she's ripping me apart.  Sometimes I want to kill her, and at other times I am just so sad for her. I'm not sleeping. I am supportive when she calls, but not helpful like a therapist would be.

This is going to keep happening - she won't be able to support herself or be a good parent if she doesn't get help.  I am trying to protect myself from the drama and sorrow, but mostly I just want to see her learn to cope. I don't care how long it takes.  She wants to come to me for support but I can't help her in the way she needs help.

Really torn.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for clarifying for us BoxCarDaisy,

First I just want to give you a   because I understand your frustrations and the fears that come with them. 

So I think maybe I need to mention that boundaries are based on our personal values so this doesn't seem to be a boundary issue.  It seems to be more of a requirement for contact. 

There are many ways you can be supportive and helpful to your daughter whether she seeks therapy or not (face it Moms of adult kids... .we can't "make them" go to therapy nor engage honestly when there).  More than anything, your daughter, just like the rest of humanity, needs to feel heard and understood.  This can be accomplished through validation.  Have you read the info we have on validation yet?

We, as emotional caregivers, need to have personal boundaries that we set in advance of conflict and are willing to defend 100% all the time.  Swiss cheese boundaries don't work and often make things worse. Here is some info on boundaries that can help you figure out what boundaries you want to set to protect yourself and be able to stay in relationship with your daughter so that you can continue to support her:

Boundaries-Living our values

BoxCarDaisy... .I had to set boundaries for self preservation before I was able to learn and practice the skills taught here.  I had to create a "safe place" from the abusiveness of my daughter and remove myself from the circular arguments, rages, and threats, my boundaries accomplished this and from that point there was no stopping my progress, my daughter's healing and our healthy relationship.

lbj

[BoxcarDaisy]

Thank you for the clarification, I so appreciate it.  I need to really read the boundaries write-up again and get a clear definition.  I am trying to force her into therapy, I see that.  Thank you again. 

[lbjnltx]

This is one of the hardest things to deal with BoxCarDaisy... .them not wanting to help themselves.

Here is some info that you may be able to glean something from:

How to get a borderline into therapy

lbj