60 Day Perspective, N/C

[dagwoodbowser]

So today far surpasses any amount of N/C I've ever been able to do on my own and quite frankly I truly, honestly, sincerely believe it's due to this place BPD Family. The support among my cyber Friend Non's, the Staff's feedback and of course those moments that I'm thinking of even remotely making some sort of contact I read a post about someone who sincerely reached back out to their former BPDx during N/C only to get their hand bitten off. Those little morsels also help. While BPD's are unpredictable, there are certain behaviors you can count on and when you experience and read it over and over again you start believing in their Controlled/Uncontrolled Chaos as though you're reading Kondratiev K-Waves.

Physically I feel great. I'm slowly gaining back some of the nearly 25 pounds I lost the first 3-4 weeks because of the knots in my gut. Blood Pressure is finally back to norm. My left hand, mainly my pinky and ring finger, are getting back to normal as I can feel more sensation on fingers from the mild TIA(transient ischemic attack) warning stroke I had the night she broke up with me. She had asked me to drop her off at home, she jumped out of the vehicle while still moving, ran into the house and had called the cops. I had parked, went to go knock to try and talk and before I knew it 2 squad cars were there sorting out how she got the injuries from leaping out of vehicle. I basically lost it.

Emotionally I would say better. I am now on week 2 of a pretty high dose of Effexor (SSNRI) and it has really made the difference for me with just a few side effects. The doctor was kind of miffed I waited so long and possibly needlessly suffered but maybe I needed to feel it to heal it? So I'm no longer in that dark pit of sadness. May not be for everyone, but if your depression is such that you're thinking whacked thoughts about any harm to anyone including yourself it's time to seriously get help. At times a little lonely, but I'm gradually finding more stuff to do. My X required an inordinate amount of my free time. Not too worried about the future for now and working on letting past fade so The Present is the focus.

My BPDx.  Yes, I still miss her... .but... .when I stop and place my hand over my chest, or feel the pulse on my neck I dont feel that exaggerated pounding, that sense of doom or wondering... .ok... .what the heck... .is next? That in it of itself snaps me back to the real physical, mental and emotional pounding I was taking for almost 2.5 years (not counting the first 9 months of joyful ecstasy from the Idealization period and of course minus another 8 months of accumulated separation during multiple B/U's) and the current sense of peace that I'm feeling Trumps those manic highs and lows that while a little thrilling at times was getting to be as though one were trying to see if you could break the world record for riding The Apocalypse Roller Coster at Six Flags in one day.

Yeah, it's hard to describe but I'm feeling more and more at ease and at peace. Sleep now comes easily and the rest is real and mostly nightmare free. At times I wonder if she has a replacement and I get a little loopy about it but then again I start to pick up on my body's emotional, physical reaction to such thoughts and I quickly acknowledge that I have No Control over her, Never did, Never will and while at times there's that twinkling urge to possibly warn the poor ass then it dawns on me he may have possibly been one of her Orbitors and knew about our relationship already so he probably deserves what's coming.

If you're at the first few days or weeks my Prayers do sincerely go out to you. I was there and it was truly one of the most painful experiences I ever had to deal with and those familiar with my story know it almost cost me my life. The obsession, compulsion, the weeping and gnawing is temporary (worst of it seemed to get better after 2-3 weeks for me) and I can assure you if you can bite down, figure out how to work through the daily grind of blood, sweat and tears 20 days of N/C will quickly come... .then another 20. At least for me 40 days was very stabilizing in that I was better able to control many aspects of this physical and emotional withdrawal from my BPDx. Your situation is likely very different and we recover at different paces much like fruits. Banana's over ripen in 3 days, limes in 45 days so heal at your own pace but dont dwell for too long lest rot set in.

You took very good care of someone that didnt comprehend what you were trying to do.

Now take care of yourself. I have to tell that to myself daily.

Wish me another 20 days and Detachment as I wish you all another 20 also!

[Reforming]

Hi Dagwood,

Well done for getting to getting to 60 days.  

So today far surpasses any amount of N/C I've ever been able to do on my own and quite frankly I truly, honestly, sincerely believe it's due to this place BPD Family. The support among my cyber Friend Non's, the Staff's feedback and of course those moments that I'm thinking of even remotely making some sort of contact I read a post about someone who sincerely reached back out to their former BPDx during N/C only to get their hand bitten off. Those little morsels also help. While BPD's are unpredictable, there are certain behaviors you can count on and when you experience and read it over and over again you start believing in their Controlled/Uncontrolled Chaos as though you're reading Kondratiev K-Waves.

I found the site a huge help and particularly when I was feeling vulnerable to recycles. Hearing the stories of others really helped me understand what I was experiencing and find strength in myself

Physically I feel great. I'm slowly gaining back some of the nearly 25 pounds I lost the first 3-4 weeks because of the knots in my gut. Blood Pressure is finally back to norm. My left hand, mainly my pinky and ring finger, are getting back to normal as I can feel more sensation on fingers from the mild TIA(transient ischemic attack) warning stroke I had the night she broke up with me. She had asked me to drop her off at home, she jumped out of the vehicle while still moving, ran into the house and had called the cops. I had parked, went to go knock to try and talk and before I knew it 2 squad cars were there sorting out how she got the injuries from leaping out of vehicle. I basically lost it.

That sounds really traumatic. I'm really glad you're feeling much better.

Emotionally I would say better. I am now on week 2 of a pretty high dose of Effexor (SSNRI) and it has really made the difference for me with just a few side effects. The doctor was kind of miffed I waited so long and possibly needlessly suffered but maybe I needed to feel it to heal it? So I'm no longer in that dark pit of sadness. May not be for everyone, but if your depression is such that you're thinking whacked thoughts about any harm to anyone including yourself it's time to seriously get help. At times a little lonely, but I'm gradually finding more stuff to do. My X required an inordinate amount of my free time. Not too worried about the future for now and working on letting past fade so The Present is the focus.

I understand why you might have felt reticent about taking meds, but I think they can be a huge help when you're feeling overwhelmed and depressed.

My BPDx.  Yes, I still miss her... .but... .when I stop and place my hand over my chest, or feel the pulse on my neck I dont feel that exaggerated pounding, that sense of doom or wondering... .ok... .what the heck... .is next? That in it of itself snaps me back to the real physical, mental and emotional pounding I was taking for almost 2.5 years (not counting the first 9 months of joyful ecstasy from the Idealization period and of course minus another 8 months of accumulated separation during multiple B/U's) and the current sense of peace that I'm feeling Trumps those manic highs and lows that while a little thrilling at times was getting to be as though one were trying to see if you could break the world record for riding The Apocalypse Roller Coster at Six Flags in one day.

Yeah, it's hard to describe but I'm feeling more and more at ease and at peace. Sleep now comes easily and the rest is real and mostly nightmare free. At times I wonder if she has a replacement and I get a little loopy about it but then again I start to pick up on my body's emotional, physical reaction to such thoughts and I quickly acknowledge that I have No Control over her, Never did, Never will and while at times there's that twinkling urge to possibly warn the poor ass then it dawns on me he may have possibly been one of her Orbitors and knew about our relationship already so he probably deserves what's coming.

It took me some time to readjust to normal after I've lived with the highs and lows of a disordered relationship. The silence is almost deafening, but it was also a huge relief to not feel the stress and anxiety that I grown so accustomed to.

If you're at the first few days or weeks my Prayers do sincerely go out to you. I was there and it was truly one of the most painful experiences I ever had to deal with and those familiar with my story know it almost cost me my life. The obsession, compulsion, the weeping and gnawing is temporary (worst of it seemed to get better after 2-3 weeks for me) and I can assure you if you can bite down, figure out how to work through the daily grind of blood, sweat and tears 20 days of N/C will quickly come... .then another 20. At least for me 40 days was very stabilizing in that I was better able to control many aspects of this physical and emotional withdrawal from my BPDx. Your situation is likely very different and we recover at different paces much like fruits. Banana's over ripen in 3 days, limes in 45 days so heal at your own pace but dont dwell for too long lest rot set in.

You took very good care of someone that didnt comprehend what you were trying to do.

Now take care of yourself. I have to tell that to myself daily.

Wish me another 20 days and Detachment as I wish you all another 20 also!

I'm really glad that you're doing so well and I wish you the best for the next 20 days and beyond

Reforming

[dagwoodbowser]

Thank you Reforming... .

[Achaya]

I used to volunteer at a crisis center. They taught us that the worst pain after the loss of a loved one is the first 2 weeks, then there is another noticeable improvement by 60 days. I think that is more true when there aren't the complications that haunt so many of us on these boards---the self-esteem hit, the uncertainty about whether the door is really closed on either side, the questions about what parts of one's lover and his/her feelings were real. I am doing better at 30 days than I was at 14, and am hoping for continuing progress, but I know it won't necessarily be linear.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

W O O - H O O, dagwood! 

Your success is hard won and well deserved.  So freaking proud of you and thank you for the inspiration and confirmation that NC works.  So glad you are listening to your body and that it is giving you such clear clues about what it wants and needs from you.  You rock!

Here's to another SUCCESSFUL SIXTY!

[DyingLove]

Congratulations Dagwood!  A couple more days and I'm going to be in the same boat.  I'm happy for you like you can't imagine!  I don't know that I'm feeling that for myself yet though.

[dagwoodbowser]

I used to volunteer at a crisis center. They taught us that the worst pain after the loss of a loved one is the first 2 weeks, then there is another noticeable improvement by 60 days. I think that is more true when there aren't the complications that haunt so many of us on these boards---the self-esteem hit, the uncertainty about whether the door is really closed on either side, the questions about what parts of one's lover and his/her feelings were real. I am doing better at 30 days than I was at 14, and am hoping for continuing progress, but I know it won't necessarily be linear

Achaya:The self-esteem hit that's a given. I am pretty sure the feelings my BPDx had/has were very genuine. However, those were based on a moment by moment event. As to whether the door is really closed that is up to you. May not be your situation but she kept coming back around after each failed replacement and because I blamed myself I kept taking her back. It's now up to me to keep the door shut.

DyingLove and Reclaiming: Thank you!

[FrenchConnection]

Good to read your post.  I am currently on day 131 of NC.    It just keeps getting easier and better each week.

Stay strong.  Realize that is the best decision and stick to it. 

[dagwoodbowser]

I am currently on day 131 of NC.

French: Wow... .seems real, then it doesn't as I'm doing my best to stay focused on each day. Then again, if i did 2 months why not another 2!

Thanx for the Inspiration!

[peacefulmind]

Congratulations Dagwood. You're an inspiration and I hope you will continue towards your complete detachment and healing. Thanks for giving the rest of us a hope that this will some day become our reality!

[dagwoodbowser]

peacefulmind: You're very welcome. How far along are you now and how are you fairing physically? I ask because that for me is a tell as to how I'm doing emotionally.