Impact on family if adopt our granddaughter almost 10 - financial reasons

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I usually post on the parents raising BPD kids board. My DD28 lives in her chaos of BPD and other issues. She is currently in our home with her bf as there is no affordable housing. Things are a little bumpy. She and my GD are trying to rebuild a 'special friend' type of relationship. Gd was no-contact with her mom most of last year when her mom was in jail. It has been such a volatile situation in the past. So far we have worked out most of the bumps in our current situation.

Dh and I gained permanent custody of gd when she was about 18 months old. She has always lived with us, and we have always provided some level of care. When she was 8 months old things shifted to nearly 100% of her care when the daddy ended up with 12 month sentence in county jail and DD decided it was her 'turn to have some fun'. DD has since been in/out of our home with periods of living homeless, sometimes at our request to not be in our home. She has a multi-substance drug abuse problem with a preference for stimulants (mostly meth). She violently refuses even the mention of rehab. She failed several attempts by the courts to get her into dual-dx rehab programs in the past couple years. This is how she failed her probation on several misdemeanor charges and did about a year in jail.

This year dh is turning 65 and I am turning 60. We have met with a financial advisor about retirement options. Even with some retirement savings we need to keep going until he is 70 to make it into our 80's with enough money for our simple lifestyle. Helping DD has taken a bigger share than we could afford - mostly for failed attempts for her to have a place to live. She just cannot follow the rules, though she is putting in a good effort to stay in our home right now.

One option is to adopt gd. Then she would get child benefits from social security on our retirement benefits. I am also on SSDI which would allow her to get these benefits immediately. With this money we could stay in our home and keep our TV service and phones. That is about all that we have left to cut out of our budget (well, groceries are too costly but we have to eat).

We have approached the daddy about voluntary relinquishment of his daughter. He is in another state with 2 more years in prison for assault - he was in a different state before that in prison/parole/prison... .for 5 years. That was also for assault. GD has no current memory of him and does not want any contact with him.

Dd has agreed verbally to relinquish but we have experienced last minute changes of her mind before. They have to agree to the plan or it would not be worth the suffering of all involved to pursue a contested adoption process.

So we are living in a delicate balance. Gd's' T has reminded me that gd is the most important person in the drama. Her emotional and financial security has to be our main focus. I am thinking the judge will share this opinion.

I also have a fear that somehow we won't qualify to adopt and it will allow our custody to be questioned. Is this a totally unreasonable fear?

If anyone who reads this post has been in a similar situation, please share with me how it went for you.

qcr

[qcarolr]

I usually post on the parents raising BPD kids board. My DD28 lives in her chaos of BPD and other issues. She is currently in our home with her bf as there is no affordable housing. Things are a little bumpy. She and my GD are trying to rebuild a 'special friend' type of relationship. Gd was no-contact with her mom most of last year when her mom was in jail. It has been such a volatile situation in the past. So far we have worked out most of the bumps in our current situation.

Dh and I gained permanent custody of gd when she was about 18 months old. She has always lived with us, and we have always provided some level of care. When she was 8 months old things shifted to nearly 100% of her care when the daddy ended up with 12 month sentence in county jail and DD decided it was her 'turn to have some fun'. DD has since been in/out of our home with periods of living homeless, sometimes at our request to not be in our home. She has a multi-substance drug abuse problem with a preference for stimulants (mostly meth). She violently refuses even the mention of rehab. She failed several attempts by the courts to get her into dual-dx rehab programs in the past couple years. This is how she failed her probation on several misdemeanor charges and did about a year in jail.

This year dh is turning 65 and I am turning 60. We have met with a financial advisor about retirement options. Even with some retirement savings we need to keep going until he is 70 to make it into our 80's with enough money for our simple lifestyle. Helping DD has taken a bigger share than we could afford - mostly for failed attempts for her to have a place to live. She just cannot follow the rules, though she is putting in a good effort to stay in our home right now.

One option is to adopt gd. Then she would get child benefits from social security on our retirement benefits. I am also on SSDI which would allow her to get these benefits immediately. With this money we could stay in our home and keep our TV service and phones. That is about all that we have left to cut out of our budget (well, groceries are too costly but we have to eat).

We have approached the daddy about voluntary relinquishment of his daughter. He is in another state with 2 more years in prison for assault - he was in a different state before that in prison/parole/prison... .for 5 years. That was also for assault. GD has no current memory of him and does not want any contact with him.

Dd has agreed verbally to relinquish but we have experienced last minute changes of her mind before. They have to agree to the plan or it would not be worth the suffering of all involved to pursue a contested adoption process.

So we are living in a delicate balance. Gd's' T has reminded me that gd is the most important person in the drama. Her emotional and financial security has to be our main focus. I am thinking the judge will share this opinion.

I also have a fear that somehow we won't qualify to adopt and it will allow our custody to be questioned. Is this a totally unreasonable fear?

If anyone who reads this post has been in a similar situation, please share with me how it went for you.

qcr

[livednlearned]

Hi qcarolr,

I'm glad to hear your D is managing ok living with you right now. Given all that you and GD have been through, that must feel like a big achievement to live in relative peace.

Adoption doesn't come up here all that often. Although the flip-flopping over plans is very familiar (your D agreeing to relinquish, and then back pedaling).

If your GD will be more financially secure as an adopted child, then that's what is best. Within the same time frame, and on the down low, I would put together a will that denies D access to GD's funds in the event something happens to you and your H while GD is a minor.

First hurdle is to see if D will relinquish. You know her best. What will it require for her to see this through? That would be a very triggering event for any mother to relinquish rights. What would motivate her to go through with this?

[qcarolr]

livednlearned,

It is a very triggering event for everyone involved. The daddy in prison is the most certain -- he always has gd's best interests at heart. Maybe he knows clearly that he will not be there for her. He is the one that convinced DD to sign the voluntary custody provision instead of fighting us in court 9 years ago. He hitch-hiked away a couple of months after that to be homeless on warm California beaches instead of cold Colorado front range foothills. So sad that he is stupid when drunk or high and ends up in prison on assault charges over and over and over. Sober he is a good guy. He lived with us for about 2 years during pregnancy and infancy of gd.

DD needs to  believe that our relationship with her, and her relationship with her daughter will continue to be supported. So I have to get very real with being consistent in sticking to all the limits and boundaries for both girls. It really is more like having siblings than mother/daughter. Dd has a lot of jealousy and envy when gd is getting attention, even when it is most appropriate attention for gd and something DD needs to do for herself. If her current bf leaves her things would get really rough for a bit -- until a new bf can be found and accepted into our family.

I also have to continue to accept that it is just as likely that DD will remain where she is - kind of stuck in a limbo of adolescent emotions and grown up expectations for herself. Since her emotions often conflict with these expectations, the other part is to continue to model and ask for appropriate behaviors from her. She tries hard with this, and has been much more responsive to needing to give herself a break from the house when needed. Not always. Her bf has been a big help in stabilizing her emotional responses.

Our major clashes come from differing parenting values -- and often bf and dh side with dd. I am committed to the model of parenting that gd's T and I have been practicing the past 3 years. It is an emotional regulation/attachment trauma based model. Settle the parent -- settle the child -- deal with behaviors and consequences -- repair relationship with child -- parent stays attuned to child.  This is so much different than how each of the adults in our home was raised. I have to work diligently now, before any steps toward adoption, to seek ways to show this to DD as a working model for her child in our home. If the others can see gd's successes grow in managing her own behaviors, then they may begin to shift their own parenting expectations.

My own emotional stability can be unstable at times. My bipolarII is well managed with my meds.  when I am able to take good care of my own needs. You know - the lifestyle things like sleep, exercise, diet, sunshine, a bit of fun and humor. I also have to keep working on my own healing of old childhood issues. My home was one filled with love and care and good values. And there were some things that happened, and my parents did not perceive as traumatic, or they did not know of my needs for protection and healing. This impacts how I respond in most of my relationships. Bipolar disorder compounds my ability to find healing with this. Even though I have all this awareness of these issues, they still impact many of my parenting responses when I am fatigued, ill, hungry for food or attention... . You get the idea?

It feels really unfair sometimes that I am the center of all this making things work in this family. That is also a reality to accept and learn to work within. Gd's T reminded me last week that my r/s with gd is the only one that I have any real responsibility for. I am her attachment caregiver. It is up to me to be courageous with the other adults in the household to calmly stand up for what gd needs when there is a conflict. And to protect her as much a possible in the process.

I have sought out some friends to be a support network for me, as well as this website. I have reconnected with my faith and spiritual beliefs -- this has led to these friends. I have asked DH for comfort as I give him less debate and more respect. We are working together more than ever. When he feels the need to be on the defense then the old patterns of how he was raised rear up an ugly head. He refuses to seek any exploration or healing around the few things he has shared with me. He does listen my what I share about this journey for myself. He has become able to do this without as much judgement and more acceptance that we can hold different opinions and still be supportive with gd. I have directly asked him to not side with DD, even if he cannot step over to my way of handling a situation.

We do need to follow through with the adoption for gd's financial security. We have done a will along with two special needs trusts for the girls. They are separate from our will, and could be funded at any time. If we both pass then the remaining estate would go equally into these trusts for each girl's needs. It is set up to avoid interfering with any public benefits they are getting. We have stated in our will the fiduciary that we desire to manage the trust. It is a private company. The law firm would take on this responsibility if this person's company is not available. We did not want to put this burden on anyone in our family. If Dh and I live into our late 70's or early 80's there won't be much left to put in there. By then hopefully both girls will be established in their lives with other support.

Our state has a pilot program through the Kinship Support  area of human services with a law firm that will provide pro-bono services for kinship adoptions. We submitted the referral through our local county kinship case worker. She sent on to the state level program manager. We may make too much income, though our net cash flow is negative (ie. we increase our debt monthly to meet our current expenses!)

So much of life is so messy!  It is so helpful to share my story - gets it out of my head. This is a long description of how adoption may trigger each of us in unique ways -- most likely common to everyone in a kinship situation.

qcr

[livednlearned]

You're holding the fort together, in the middle of a lot of prevailing winds! 

It sounds like you might need to strategize and lean hard on your skills, to help D see the adoption process as a natural extension of what she has already been doing. When you think about having the conversation and presenting this to D, how do you envision things going?