6 Days NC. Crying my eyes out.. Feeling hopeless.

[ABro12]

This morning I am in a deep state of despair that I feel ai cannot crawl out of. I cannot stop crying... .Hysterically. I feel empty and like I am mourning the death of a friend.

It's been 6 days since no contact... .I don't like not having him in my life. And I feel like it's my fault that he's not because I'm the one that said I couldn't just go back to being friends while I still had romantic feelings for him. A few days after I said this I found out he messaged his ex gf (who has a bf)... .And I can't help but think I pushed him into someone elses arms by abandoning him and our friendship. I wish I could just text him and say I'm sorry for saying we couldn't be friends right now... .Even his sister told me that he "needs friends because he doesn't have many people." I just feel... .Terrible. I wish I could take what I said back... .And left those lines open for the benefit of our friendship.

I don't enjoy the things I enjoyed before I met him. We had so much in common that my music, my tv shows, my movies, my interests... .They all remind me of him because I know we shared those things. These bring me nothing but pain now.

I also found out that I was somewhat of an exception to his dating habits. He talked to me the longest as friends first and then we dated... .He did not do this with others. I know for a fact that he has shared things with me that he would never share with anyone else because he trusted me and we grew close as friends before anything else. This makes it more tough... .

If I had given him space when he felt engulfed I feel like this could have lasted. We did not have problems other than him fearing to get closer which started after I started questioning him about the relationship when he went qiet for a days. I knew that he sometimes did this because when we were friends he would do it but he would always come back around shortly... .He's antisocial and that is part of it. So I wish I would have been more understanding of his boundaries when we dated... .I just feel like I screwed our relationship up and our friendship.

I have not been this depressed in years... .I have went from talking to him consistently for a year from nothing at all. I cannot bear it. I need him to reengage me. I want him to. I will not break no contact, but I am praying that some part of him is missing me and the depth of our friendship enough to reach out to me. He is aware of his BPD and his issues, so I'm hoping this will allow him to see how good we were together at least as friends. I honestly feel like he has never been this open with anyone and neither have I.

I can't take this... .Waiting... .Not knowing his thoughts. Not experiencing happiness because he is gone. I know most of you are going to say that I should be glad he isn't contacting me, but he honest to goodness was never mean to me... .And I just want some piece of him back. I pray for it.

And this crappy part about it all is that he wanted to remain my friend... .I just let my emotions get in the way and felt distance was best for now. But now I'm afraid I just made him think he can never talk to me again. I didn't say it that way, but with his self-esteem as low as it is I'm afraid he thinks that he is not welcome in my life anymore which is not true. God help me please... .I don't know what to do.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi ABro12, 

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I understand how painful it is not have someone in your life that you were so close to.    

I understand that you want to be friends with him, but do not want to reach out first. What is making you not want to reach out? 

[ABro12]

Hi ABro12,  

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I understand how painful it is not have someone in your life that you were so close to.     

I understand that you want to be friends with him, but do not want to reach out first. What is making you not want to reach out?  

I just fear that he will reject me if I do or see me as weak or needy. Or like I have an ulterior motive... .I don't like appearing those ways and I feel like the last things I said to him were not very kind. I accused him of leading me on and said that I hope he doesn't do this to someone else... .I didn't say it in a mean way. I just said "I feel as thougj I've been led on and it really hurts. I hope you don't do this to someone else."

I just have a lot of fear as what his reaction will be and how it will make me look to him. He has said to me before "thank you for caring about me and being a good friend to me. I hope you still want tk be my friend because I like hanging out with you and talkin." But I just feel like I potentialy burned that bridge... .And it's scary for me. Everyone has said wait til he contacts you (play hard to get) even his ex gf said this... .But I think he's gotten worse since they dated 4 years ago and he probably thinks I hate him even though the last thing I said was I love you and goodbye.

Plus, I added his ex gf on facebook and I'm not sure he knows but he might. I dont think she would tell him that I talked to her about him because by doing so it would implicate herself too, but he can easily see who I have become friends with if he looks... .

If I did message him this is probably what I'd send

""Just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for saying I couldn't be your friend right now... .That was mean and insensitive even if I didn't intend it to be. You have a friend in me so long as you want it... .I hope you're well."

What do you think about the situation?

[EaglesJuju]

I just fear that he will reject me if I do or see me as weak or needy. Or like I have an ulterior motive... .I don't like appearing those ways and I feel like the last things I said to him were not very kind. 

Do you feel that you are weak or needy? What would the ulterior motive be, being more than friends?

I just have a lot of fear as what his reaction will be and how it will make me look to him. He has said to me before "thank you for caring about me and being a good friend to me. I hope you still want to be my friend because I like hanging out with you and talking."

It is understandable to feel afraid to reach out incase you are rejected. The feelings associated to rejection are very painful. The way I would look at it is what would hurt more, being rejected or hypothetically never talking to him again? 

If I did message him this is probably what I'd send

""Just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for saying I couldn't be your friend right now... .That was mean and insensitive even if I didn't intend it to be. You have a friend in me so long as you want it... .I hope you're well."

I think this message is heartfelt and leaves a line of communication open if he wants it.

[ABro12]

I swallowed my pride and fear and sent the message. Now I'm just waiting... .

Sometimes I do feel weak and needy when it comes to him. Sad, but true. Weak in a sense that I know that what he done to me was not right (even though he consciously didnt have bad intentions) yet I still treat him kindly. I am a good person though and this is part of the reason I have had so much guilt. I understand people with mental illnesses can't be completely accountable for their actions and this is why I feel sorry for him.

But I also sometimes feel like our friendship maybe didnt mean as much to him as it did to me even if he says it does... .I guess because of the inconsistent nature of it. My fear also stemmed from the fact that I'm afraid our friendship will not be like it was before we dated. I guess thats normal... .But it just sucks. At least I know I attempted to make amends and my conscious is clear. I just hope he doesn't show me a side to him I haven't seen before and responds with something hurtful or nothing at all. We will see... .

[EaglesJuju]

Sometimes I do feel weak and needy when it comes to him. Sad, but true. Weak in a sense that I know that what he done to me was not right (even though he consciously didnt have bad intentions) yet I still treat him kindly. I am a good person though and this is part of the reason I have had so much guilt. I understand people with mental illnesses can't be completely accountable for their actions and this is why I feel sorry for him.

I understand how you could feel this way. It does not make you weak or needy for thinking his behavior was unacceptable and still be empathetic to his disorder. You are simply treating him in the manner which you like to be treated and there is nothing wrong with sticking to your own beliefs.

But I also sometimes feel like our friendship maybe didnt mean as much to him as it did to me even if he says it does... .I guess because of the inconsistent nature of it.

Inconsistency can cause uneasy feelings. It can cause self-doubt or insecurity.

When I feel uneasy or have fear, I like to balance my emotions and rationality then listen to what my instincts tell me. Do your instincts tell you that your friendship meant something to him.

My fear also stemmed from the fact that I'm afraid our friendship will not be like it was before we dated. I guess thats normal... .But it just sucks. At least I know I attempted to make amends and my conscious is clear.

Your friendship may be different than it was before. Have you considered it could be different in a positive way?

[ABro12]

I understand how you could feel this way. It does not make you weak or needy for thinking his behavior was unacceptable and still be empathetic to his disorder. You are simply treating him in the manner which you like to be treated and there is nothing wrong with sticking to your own beliefs.

Thank you. I generally feel the same way. I've had people in my ear telling me that I should be cruel and give tough love, but that just isn't me.

Inconsistency can cause uneasy feelings. It can cause self-doubt or insecurity.

When I feel uneasy or have fear, I like to balance my emotions and rationality then listen to what my instincts tell me. Do your instincts tell you that your friendship meant something to him.

I'm really not sure. Before we got serious, yes, I feel like it meant something to him. Even after since he said he hoped I still wanted to be friends because he enjoyed time with me, but it was like after he said that the only person intiating contact was me. He would talk, but I would have to start it and sometimes it felt forced where it didnt before. I'm not sure if it because he is also feeling awkward over how things happened or not... .Maybe. But I don't know.

Your friendship may be different than it was before. Have you considered it could be different in a positive way?

How could be better? I have not considered this just based on how things were the first time we tried being just friends like I said above. Maybe it just takes time to get back to normal... .Or better. Still waiting for a reply, but he hasn't read it yet.

[Dr56]

If I had given him space when he felt engulfed I feel like this could have lasted.

It's very tempting to think this; I know I often find myself thinking the same with respect to my recent break up. But in all honesty, there is probably not much you could have done - not without significantly sacrificing your own needs, well-being, and mental health. I know that with my ex, it almost felt at times that her acting out grew more extreme when I gave her more space,  and offered more reassurance. By the end, I was spent. The push/pull dynamic is completely unpredictable, and unless you're willing to spend a lifetime walking on eggshells, doesn't provide a healthy foundation for a relationship.

[Achaya]

ABro, I wonder if your ex is worrying about all the things he might have done wrong in your relationship, or how you felt when you broke up, or whether he did it in a caring way? If he doesn't that about that much at all, how would you feel about knowing that?

In my case, I am good at letting people take space, because I like a lot of it myself. I approached my ex numerous times about how we could communicate better prior to her withdrawals, so that we could negotiate some space in a way that didn't lead to a breakup. The problem with that is that she wasn't able to participate in a negotiation where we both talked about our needs and supported each other in meeting them. That requires a view of a relationship as two separate adult individuals who want to be together. My ex didn't have the sense of self, sense of separate other, or communication skills to look at conflicts that way. 

[ABro12]

So... .He read my message at 2... .He didn't respond. He always did when I would apologize before or send a heart felt message. I guess he is done with me and our friendship is no more. I feel so incredibly bad... .I had hope that he'd respond... .Even if it was a little bit of hope... .

[Achaya]

I'm sorry that he didn't respond. Maybe he still will, if given more time. I think these attempts on our parts to bridge a gap in the relationship are often not reciprocated by our exes, especially if they have BPD, npd, etc. Or they aren't reciprocated with the same level of intensity we feel. We tend to be very vigilant about how they respond, because we have all this emotional energy invested in our act of outreach. I hope that whatever he decides to do, the interaction helps you to move forward and find more peace.

[Vatz]

ABro, I'm sorry you're going through this. It is never easy. I went through stuff like this.

The thing that stuck out for me was the stuff about not wanting to be friends because you had romantic feelings. See, I felt the same and I think it was one of the things I never really compromised on.

It looks like you think its wrong somehow to feel that way, like you're perhaps you aren't validating him and that you're being unfair.

Let me tell you something. You're being totally fair, this is how you feel and just because its a feeling doesn't mean its wrong. If you know being friends will just hurt more, then its your right to set whatever boundaries you must. Even if it has to be terminating the relationship entirely.

You're only about a week NC. Its going to be pretty dismal for a while-but its withdrawals.

Another thing I like is when you talk about not knowing his thoughts. The truth is you can't know someone else's thoughts. Ever. Actions give hints, and words don't hold the same weight.

I had this too, I hoped with her words I could confirm my fears or hopes, but I find appearing sincere is way too easy.

However you choose to proceed, keep yourself and your own needs in mind first and foremost. If something feels wrong-theres usually good reason for it.

I know you're trying to reach out to him, in hopes of being friends. But ask yourself something-what then? What is it *YOU* desire from this?

[once removed]

I'm sorry that he didn't respond. Maybe he still will, if given more time. 

if it helps, remember your original goal. you felt badly, and wanted to reestablish the lines of communication. you did that and it took courage. i know it sucks not to receive a response. thats insensitive. but this person had their reasons, and they know now that the lines of communication are open. it seems like not doing that might have just driven you crazy unnecessarily. you took this action for you. mission accomplished 

[ABro12]

I'm sorry that he didn't respond. Maybe he still will, if given more time. I think these attempts on our parts to bridge a gap in the relationship are often not reciprocated by our exes, especially if they have BPD, npd, etc. Or they aren't reciprocated with the same level of intensity we feel. We tend to be very vigilant about how they respond, because we have all this emotional energy invested in our act of outreach. I hope that whatever he decides to do, the interaction helps you to move forward and find more peace.

Achaya,

It's been about a day and he hasn't even reread my message or responded. I think it's safe to say he isn't going to. I guess our friendship didn't mean as much as he said it did. Or he's too angry with me to respond... .I don't know. Trying really hard not to let it get me down.

[ABro12]

I'm sorry that he didn't respond. Maybe he still will, if given more time. 

if it helps, remember your original goal. you felt badly, and wanted to reestablish the lines of communication. you did that and it took courage. i know it sucks not to receive a response. thats insensitive. but this person had their reasons, and they know now that the lines of communication are open. it seems like not doing that might have just driven you crazy unnecessarily. you took this action for you. mission accomplished 

I agree. My goal was to let him know I was sorry and that he still had a friend if he wanted it, so that was achieved and my conscious is a bit better. However, not having him respond makes me feel bad... .But trying to focus on the fact that I've put 200% in and he has not put any at this point. Maybe he'll text me some day... .And maybe he won't. Time will tell and in the meantime I am going to continue with my self improvement... .Losing more weight and such so I can start feeling better about myself in some way. Still... .The suckage factor of this whole situation is pretty high... .But you all know all about that already.

[Achaya]

I'm sorry that he didn't respond. Maybe he still will, if given more time. I think these attempts on our parts to bridge a gap in the relationship are often not reciprocated by our exes, especially if they have BPD, npd, etc. Or they aren't reciprocated with the same level of intensity we feel. We tend to be very vigilant about how they respond, because we have all this emotional energy invested in our act of outreach. I hope that whatever he decides to do, the interaction helps you to move forward and find more peace.

Achaya,

It's been about a day and he hasn't even reread my message or responded. I think it's safe to say he isn't going to. I guess our friendship didn't mean as much as he said it did. Or he's too angry with me to respond... .I don't know. Trying really hard not to let it get me down.

Based on my experience and what I have read, I believe that people in this kind of relationship sometimes get really anxious about whether they are being rejected. We get focused on the interactions where rejection might occur and we become unable to broaden our view. It can help me sometimes to ask myself what I am so afraid of. Is it of the relationship ending?

I also try to refocus on keeping my own side of the relationship as healthy as I can. If you felt like reaching out was the right thing to do, and you did it, that is all you can do. You can't make his side of the relationship happen the way it would if he were normal.

[ABro12]

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to give an update.

Goton fb messenger and saw that he reread my message last night... .I know that isn't much, but it's something. At least I know he's thinking about me and hopefully thinking about what I said.

[Loosestrife]

That positive . Try to distract yourself and take care

[patientandclear]

ABro ... .I posted on another of your threads. Man. I wish I could just take you out for a glass of wine and download. As I said on your other thread, my story has many similar features though it's unfolded over much more time since the end of our romantic r/ship. The core similarity is the need of my ex to put our r/ship in the box of "friendship." After many loops through the rejection track in my head, I've concluded it is not actually about rejection. It's about control. This is the only way he feels safe being deeply close with anyone.

I gave the friends thing a real shot for a long time as veteran readers of this board will remember. I was the unicorn who had a solid intimate friendship with her ex post-breakup.

It has not survived that way. He wanted something from me that I ultimately processed as unfair or at least, not what I wanted to do: he wanted all the benefits of a partnership without any of the obligations.

I am fearful for you if he does take you up on your offer. I don't think you were detached enough to make that offer and it seems to me you stuffed your feelings of hurt and rejection to make it. I have fingers crossed that he stays away. But likely, he will try to take you up on it. What a great deal you've cut him! Access to you with no strings and no obligation. Who would not eventually say yes (when other attachments are failing and he's sad and lonely ... .)

I'm worried you made this offer out of loneliness and not because you are genuinely comfortable with friendship only. Please be careful not to give him wholesale access to you on those terms. I spent 10 months in NC before offering friendship and even then, the minute he started to throw out his patented "you're so amazing" uniqueness nuggets, I was falling back into a posture where I needed him to want me, to choose me.

You had nothing to apologize for. He pulled you in further than friendship and was unable to sustain what he promised or implied. He has something to apologize for -- not you. You may overlook his zigs and zags, which is generous and forgiving, but YOU did nothing wrong in conveying that you are not OK with instant conversion to a "friends" framework.

[Targeted]

I went to the exact same pain with my exUBPDgf.  Unfortunately from what I have learned it seems like this is a process.  I have heard too many stories that are similar to mine for it not to be!  The best thing that is going to help you through all of this is knowledge!  Please do not just read what everybody post here but read the actual literature about the disorder as well, For me it kind of went like this,

I knew nothing about the disorder but had a perfect relationship just go sour, I felt like it was all my fault with all the accusations, I started googling abusive relationships and was eventually lead to BPD which led me to this site and confirmed enough for me what I was dealing with, with each break up and interaction it proved what I believed in more and more, The first break up was the most painful but through gaining knowledge you will start to look at this realistically instead of emotionally, nobody is perfect so I am sure I have done things wrong but with someone like this you can never do anything right anyways!  Most likely you will interact again and again and again getting less painful everytime you separate as reality replaces emotion through knowledge.

I recently just gave my axe a recycle attempt through the guidelines of counselling, I really did hope for the best but I know exactly what to expect, because I educated myself!  So this time it does not hurt like the first time when I had to say this is not working you are not looking at yourself, i'm done with the arguing.   

Ending a relationship with somebody like this it's a long hard process!  I think it is that way because we are who we are, we care too much and keep trying.

[Achaya]

I went to the exact same pain with my exUBPDgf.  Unfortunately from what I have learned it seems like this is a process.  I have heard too many stories that are similar to mine for it not to be!  The best thing that is going to help you through all of this is knowledge!  Please do not just read what everybody post here but read the actual literature about the disorder as well, For me it kind of went like this,

I knew nothing about the disorder but had a perfect relationship just go sour, I felt like it was all my fault with all the accusations, I started googling abusive relationships and was eventually lead to BPD which led me to this site and confirmed enough for me what I was dealing with, with each break up and interaction it proved what I believed in more and more, The first break up was the most painful but through gaining knowledge you will start to look at this realistically instead of emotionally, nobody is perfect so I am sure I have done things wrong but with someone like this you can never do anything right anyways!  Most likely you will interact again and again and again getting less painful everytime you separate as reality replaces emotion through knowledge.



I recently just gave my axe a recycle attempt through the guidelines of counselling, I really did hope for the best but I know exactly what to expect, because I educated myself!  So this time it does not hurt like the first time when I had to say this is not working you are not looking at yourself, i'm done with the arguing.   

Ending a relationship with somebody like this it's a long hard process!  I think it is that way because we are who we are, we care too much and keep trying.

Targeted, this matches my experience so far! My partner distanced me or left the relationship many times before she finally dumped me, and a bit more reality got forced into me each time. I agree the recycling works to prepare you for the ending, but only if you reflect on the whole pattern and where it is actually headed. I am only one month post BU, but I agree with the wisdom you stated here.

[Targeted]

Thank you!

I have done this for a while and I still care about her but the reality is until she gets the proper treatment the outcome will always be the same no matter who she is with! All replacements Will hear the same accusations and witness the same behaviours eventually!  Leading to the same outcome!