Lack of Closure Making it Hard to Heal

[Everlong]

After a 4 year relationship with my BPD ex, I was abandoned via text with no ability to get closure. It has now been two months NC and I still can't stop waiting for him to pop back into the picture again! I just have this gut feeling he will reappear eventually, and it's a mixture of both longing to have him back and anxiety over going down the rabbit hole again.

I have been trying to move on by staying physically active, seeing friends, and also working on my self-esteem by reading this site. But nothing is working. I can't stop the wondering... .:'(

[sirius]

HI,

2 months NC is still raw, you must be feeling awful. I can't advise much but I can tell you what happened to me.

I was in a 13 year r/s and now out for 15 months, 1 year NC. I still miss her but the memories comes lesser now.

I did bumped into her 13 months ago and never seen her anymore for more than a year, probably that is good.

On some days I still hope I can bump into her or see her but I know now that it will not help or even do anything.

I wanted very badly to go back to her but looking back on the eggshells I have to walk on again, it breaks my heart to say to myself "no! I love her and missed her miserably but I cannot let that happen to me again"

[peacefulmind]

After a 4 year relationship with my BPD ex, I was abandoned via text with no ability to get closure. It has now been two months NC and I still can't stop waiting for him to pop back into the picture again! I just have this gut feeling he will reappear eventually, and it's a mixture of both longing to have him back and anxiety over going down the rabbit hole again.

I have been trying to move on by staying physically active, seeing friends, and also working on my self-esteem by reading this site. But nothing is working. I can't stop the wondering... .:'(

This is very much the same situation I have found myself in, and I can relate to how you feel. I initiated NC, I deleted all common pathways for connection and obsession, and I still felt like I was the one losing out and could not move on whereas my ex-BPD had moved on long before the BU happened. It's a terrible feeling, but by constantly reminding yourself of your own self-worth and the fact that you are strong enough to keep doing things for yourself, it will get easier with time.

I will not say it's easy, because it is not. I still have residuals of betrayal and heartache, but it diminshes more and more for each day I uphold NC and don't obsess. Triggers have been the worst thing for me to deal with, but I've learned that the more I do these things by myself, the more joy I begin to find in the activities I used to enjoy with myex.

Hang in there Everlong. There is only one way up of the rabbit hole, it's not jumping but slowly crawling back, picking up the pieces of your own broken self. And you will be able to do this! Stay strong!

[Wood stock]

Hi all... .I just posted last evening about what happened when my exBPDbf finally appeared in an email and a text.  I, like you, kind of went along with my life just waiting to see... .I, like you, just wanted some closure... .something that might help me put this thing to bed once and for all... .if you're interested in how that turned out, check out my post: "The more things change... ."  Maybe that will help you some? And the replies I got from other folks--those might be helpful to you too... .

The bottom line is ( and I am FINALLY getting this through my thick head)... .BPD people don't just have that "a-ha moment" and become clear and reasonable like we dream they will.  Consequently, NO CONTACT really is the best option for those of us trying to get the heck off of the merry-go-round.  Cause they don't change--as has been started on here by others--they usually get worse. I'm a slow learner apparently, but I am learning... .

[Everlong]

Thank you all all for the thoughtful replies! I can't get over how wonderful this forum is. It is truly comforting to know I am not alone in this situation.

As far as the no-contact goes, it is not by MY choice. HE cut me off and I just chose not to chase. I would love to talk and come to some conclusion other than he just finally gave up on us because of the trigger du jour.   

He also had done the yo-yo act more than a couple of times, too, and always came back. So that is what keeps me hopeful, I guess.

Ugh. I hate it.

[dagwoodbowser]

After a 4 year relationship with my BPD ex, I was abandoned via text with no ability to get closure.

Everlong: I am no expert on BPD. I have done a lot of research on my own and by sheer luck I came across this site which has been a God Saving Grace as prior to getting here I found myself in multiple recycles with my BPDx.

What I can tell you is that Closure will likely not come from him. It will have to be worked through by you. Closure to a BPD means Finality. That is something they dread. It means the end, finite', adios and it triggers abandonment in a BPD. Also, if he gives you Closure he is in essence closing the door to possibly coming or walking back into your life. This may or may not occur, but I can tell you that I never was able to get my X to give me Closure as she never really even understood why she would break up with me. Also, I dont know if I was lucky or unlucky as I did get several 2nd Chances and that phase of perfect, obsessive love could never be again as in her mind I had far too many imperfections accumulated. Give it time and seriously consider all your best options for yourself, not him nor the relationship. Best to you.

[Everlong]

... .Closure will likely not come from him. It will have to be worked through by you. Closure to a BPD means Finality. That is something they dread. It means the end, finite', adios and it triggers abandonment in a BPD. Also, if he gives you Closure he is in essence closing the door to possibly coming or walking back into your life.

Wow, that is so true. Interestingly enough, part of his goodbye note read "At this time... .it is not in the stars for us". I scratched my head, wondering if that meant "some OTHER time - just not right now".   

[JRT]

Contrary to many of stormy and acrimonious r/s's that are described here, mine was peaceful and fulfilling. I was very happy and she reported that she was as well. We recycled a few times but they became less frequent and the duration shortened to around four hours for the last one (I just figured it was something that she needed to 'go through' well before I knew anything about BPD). Out of nowhere; no fight, no disagreement (we NEVER fought), she broke up with me via text and moved out while I was out of town after she had only moved in 3 weeks earlier.

I too have had a gut instinct that she would try to contact me. That flame was fanned when I caught her stalking me on FB (even though she had blocked me immediately after the b/u), and have been getting 'anonymous' visitors to my LinkedIN page and 'silent calls' from spoofed numbers (the caller always seeming to know when I am out of town or on vacation and not able to answer for some reason).

I am incredibly surprised that I have not yet heard from mine even though there are some signs that she is really suffering from the b/u and has no replacement. Its been almost 8 months since she disappeared and I too have had a gut instinct that I would hear back from her... .its been like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head! I wish that she would just so that she could tell me that she ran off and got married or had terminal dandruff or SOMETHING conclusive. Its driving me nuts.

[Everlong]

... .or had terminal dandruff or SOMETHING conclusive.

Hehe... .exactly! 

It's the not knowing that kills you.

I'm sorry, my friend. I feel your pain. 

[JRT]

Thanks man... .this sucks.