34 NC today - I almost contacted him today

[Olivia_D]

34 days of NC today. I almost sent him a text and I don't know why.  Thinking about him, him painting me black (for no known reason), thinking of all those little things that were said but now I am rethinking what he was actually saying. So many cryptic messages / comments that I never asked about but now wonder about. This is maddening; almost more than when we spoke. Does it get worse for awhile? T about choked when I said I questioned me having BPD / NPD traits; she's been my T for 10 years and said nope, but he sure has twisted up your mind with his projections. Just feeling wonky and sad. It's even more upsetting when it is clear that he just walked away without a minute of hesitation. I used to have decent self-esteem and now I am shake and questioning everything. I'm just worn out and not my typical bubbly.Ugh.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

WAY TO RESIST, OLIVIA_D!  YOU ARE A BREAK-UP WARRIOR!  STAY THE COURSE!

I posted this earlier today, but maybe it will help the nagging question of why and need for closure.

"The quality of your life depends on the quality of the questions you ask."  Don't know who said this but they nailed it.  Below is a great example.

A friend told me about a book he read years ago about loss.  The author of the book said that after a loss, don't ask why;  instead ask how?  We'll never truly know "why."  Why someone died, why someone hurt us, why there was a terrible earthquake.  But we can ask and get answers to "how."  How can we help?  How can we recover?  How do we want our life to look now?  How do we make that happen?  How do we avoid the same mistakes?  How do we move forward and succeed?  How do we want our next relationship to work?

Why is the question that leave us in pain and stuck in the past.  How is the question that leads us forward.

So when we find ourselves stuck in why, let's try a different question:  let's ask how!

Hang tight, Olivia!  You are fighting the good fight!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

And, of course, you are tired!  This is hard freaking work!  Like running a marathon straight up the side of a mountain. 

[Beach_Babe]

You go girl!

[apollotech]

"It's even more upsetting when it is clear that he just walked away without a minute of hesitation. I used to have decent self-esteem and now I am shake and questioning everything."

Olivia, he walked away because of his brokenness, not yours. Your self-esteem/self-worth is not tied up in him, his feelings/thoughts about you, or his actions towards you.