Advice needed..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm out of my r/s and have been NC ever since. It's tough, but I have found out that by removing all ways for me to obsess, this has made the process much easier. Right now, I only have one more path that connects me to my ex-BPD, a family member who I met when I first went to meet my ex, who is on my facebook. I have long contemplated writing a long letter and send it, explaining that I loved my ex-BPD, and I never wanted it to end. That I believed all the way to the BU, that we could work things out, but I since have found out that the r/s was done long before I even knew it. I have thought of writing exactly how the last part of the relationship was like for me, what pain my ex-BPD has put me in (I know this will feed the ego but I don't care anymore), and that I want the family member to know that I appreciate to get to know him/her (the family member, not my ex-BPD... .). Tell that I have no reason to lie about what happened in the end of the r/s, and that I have to cut all ties to recover and heal better. I probably won't mention BPD, but heavily put emphasis on the fact that normal people would never do this to any other person.

Have anyone on this board experience with the aftermath of writing such a letter? The family member is close to my ex-BPD, and I know there's a high possibility that I've been smeared already. But I will be honest and make clear that I have no reason to lie, because I would rather not be involved with my ex-BPD again... .

[peacefulmind]

I'm out of my r/s and have been NC ever since. It's tough, but I have found out that by removing all ways for me to obsess, this has made the process much easier. Right now, I only have one more path that connects me to my ex-BPD, a family member who I met when I first went to meet my ex, who is on my facebook. I have long contemplated writing a long letter and send it, explaining that I loved my ex-BPD, and I never wanted it to end. That I believed all the way to the BU, that we could work things out, but I since have found out that the r/s was done long before I even knew it. I have thought of writing exactly how the last part of the relationship was like for me, what pain my ex-BPD has put me in (I know this will feed the ego but I don't care anymore), and that I want the family member to know that I appreciate to get to know him/her (the family member, not my ex-BPD... .). Tell that I have no reason to lie about what happened in the end of the r/s, and that I have to cut all ties to recover and heal better. I probably won't mention BPD, but heavily put emphasis on the fact that normal people would never do this to any other person.

Have anyone on this board experience with the aftermath of writing such a letter? The family member is close to my ex-BPD, and I know there's a high possibility that I've been smeared already. But I will be honest and make clear that I have no reason to lie, because I would rather not be involved with my ex-BPD again... .

[dagwoodbowser]

I have long contemplated writing a long letter and send it, explaining that I loved my ex-BPD, and I never wanted it to end. That I believed all the way to the BU, that we could work things out, but I since have found out that the r/s was done long before I even knew it. I have thought of writing exactly how the last part of the relationship was like for me, what pain my ex-BPD has put me in

peacefulmind: First I would like to ask why you chose the handle you are using? There must be some meaning or reason behind it? As far as writing a letter. At the end of the day you will do what your emotions will guide you to. I would ask; are your emotions in the right place for writing such a letter? You could write out this letter as many of us have done, myself included and post it here first, expose it, let your trusted friends here read it, evaluate it and give you a candid viewpoint. Meanwhile, it gives you a day or two to mull over your decision.

[peacefulmind]

I have long contemplated writing a long letter and send it, explaining that I loved my ex-BPD, and I never wanted it to end. That I believed all the way to the BU, that we could work things out, but I since have found out that the r/s was done long before I even knew it. I have thought of writing exactly how the last part of the relationship was like for me, what pain my ex-BPD has put me in

peacefulmind: First I would like to ask why you chose the handle you are using? There must be some meaning or reason behind it? As far as writing a letter. At the end of the day you will do what your emotions will guide you to. I would ask; are your emotions in the right place for writing such a letter? You could write out this letter as many of us have done, myself included and post it here first, expose it, let your trusted friends here read it, evaluate it and give you a candid viewpoint. Meanwhile, it gives you a day or two to mull over your decision.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by the handle, but I guess it's keeping an opportunity open by keeping the family member on my facebook? Simply put, I have nothing against this person. This person was kind to me and I don't punish people out of spite. This person is a good person, and I'm just so sad I will never get to meet him/her again :/

There's no secret agenda here, no wish for my ex-BPD to reach out through this person. I am done with that hope, and since my ex is very high functioning, there's little to no hope that there will ever be any attempt of contact after I deleted all communication paths.

I will try and write down my thoughts and what I've thought of sending. I still haven't made up my mind, so I thought I'd reach out and see if anyone has done the same and this has helped their healing, or possibly set them back?

[enlighten me]

I still have my exgf's relatives on fb. My situations a bit different as I have a son with my wx so their posts give me insight into her mood and more importantly pictures of my boy.

Personally I wouldnt go into a long winded explanation. I would simply say that I appreciate their frienship but will be deleting them as it is a painful reminder of the failed relationship.

Im sure they will understand and are probably more aware of what your ex is like than you think.

[peacefulmind]

I still have my exgf's relatives on fb. My situations a bit different as I have a son with my wx so their posts give me insight into her mood and more importantly pictures of my boy.

Personally I wouldnt go into a long winded explanation. I would simply say that I appreciate their frienship but will be deleting them as it is a painful reminder of the failed relationship.

Im sure they will understand and are probably more aware of what your ex is like than you think.

Okay, thank you for your advice. I am not sure the family member knows ANYTHING about my ex-BPDs issues. There's a gap between them, but have been working on getting closer, also while I was with him/her. And I know my ex-BPD... .Master manipulator and liar, that's how I got hooked in the first place. I don't even know what I want to get out of it other than relief that I know that at least one person knows the truth about what happened, and not the probable smear campaign that has been raging since I ended the r/s because of the ST and emotional abuse  Is this motive honest? I can't really see it clear... .

[enlighten me]

not be close families have a way of knowing things that go on. Theres probably been talk of her past behaviour.

ii would like to speak to my exs family about her but its a potential powder keg. You never know what will get back to your ex or even If any of them are BPD.

Sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey peaceful-

The handle dagwood is referring to is your user name here, peacefulmind; is that a goal or a current state?

Anyway, regarding a letter, I understand you're considering sending it to the friend, not your ex, and that you want to do it because you're feeling a need for closure with that person.  If that's the case, no worries, and is there another agenda?  :)o you hope that some of what you write gets back to your ex?  :)oes writing and sending a letter mean that there is still a sliver of a connection with your ex?  The reasons aren't as important as being honest with yourself as to what they are.  And you will read many times on these boards about folks who have written something directly to their exes, for whatever reasons, and if there's any hint of suggesting their ex is responsible for something or at fault in any way, it blows up in their face, because by this point in the relationship we are the trigger, not the soother.

[peacefulmind]

Hey peaceful-

The handle dagwood is referring to is your user name here, peacefulmind; is that a goal or a current state?

Anyway, regarding a letter, I understand you're considering sending it to the friend, not your ex, and that you want to do it because you're feeling a need for closure with that person.  If that's the case, no worries, and is there another agenda?  :)o you hope that some of what you write gets back to your ex?  :)oes writing and sending a letter mean that there is still a sliver of a connection with your ex?  The reasons aren't as important as being honest with yourself as to what they are.  And you will read many times on these boards about folks who have written something directly to their exes, for whatever reasons, and if there's any hint of suggesting their ex is responsible for something or at fault in any way, it blows up in their face, because by this point in the relationship we are the trigger, not the soother.

Hi fromheeltoheal, thanks for the clarification. The peaceful mind describes my persona before all of this. I know my own issues were brought into this r/s and that I was targeted because of this. I had been a co-dependent for years for my ex-BPD before we even started being together, so he/she knew how to get under my skin and how to idealise me just right for me to fall hard. Before I went into this r/s, I was a confident, motivated, and determined person but I've always have had a very peaceful mind about myself. It is definitely a goal for me to reach that stage again. It is not what I feel right now. I'm a mess, and I have just started up on antidepressants and I await my first therapy session next week. My ex-BPD has really messed me up good compared to how I used to be, and most of this lies within the silent treatment and the aftermath with NC at all, not even slight hint of the BU affecting my ex-BPD. It has been killing me, but I think I am getting closer to be at peace with at least that part... .

Thank you for the advice on the letter. I understand that this may come off as if I haven't given up on the idea of being with my ex-BPD, but I have. I know that he/she is too stubborn, too proud, to ever admit fault, and I am the sole responsible for not being together anymore. I'm almost certain he/she had the replacement long before I even broke up, because of the long ST I had to endure, where I didn't hear a word... .My agenda is clear, I want to reach detachment, I want to feel that my chapter with this person is over, and I feel that having a relative on my facebook sort of hinders this. But if I just delete, this is a clear sign of me being the one at fault, which I would hate to leave as a legacy for this person. I want him/her to understand that I loved my ex-BPD more than anyhting in this world, I would have gone to the end of the world for him/her, and I would've sacrificed everything I have worked for to be with him/her. That's sort of an explanation as to how  I was during the r/s. And had the ST not almost killed me, I would've still been in that state... .I don't know if this give clear motive as to why I want to tell this person what happened and why it happened... .

[fromheeltoheal]

From reading your motivation it seems you want to explain your side of things to someone close to her, which will give you a sense of closure, just guessing.  If just unfriending that person on Facebook doesn't feel right, then you could send them a message in Facebook explaining you're starting a new life post-relationship, and you weren't too close a friend with that person anyway, so gotta go.  Up to you, but you might look at your desire to be heard.

Good for you for on seeking therapy; that will be someone who can hear you!  And in addition to the pharmaceuticals, it's also important to eat very well, drink a lot of water, sleep enough, and get some exercise; vigorous exercise with some rockin' tunes crankin' can turn you whole day around, and if you do that enough you might find you don't need the drugs.

I know what you mean about ties.  My ex lives in Texas and they've been getting hammered with tornados lately, and I thought of my ex and hope she's OK, even though we haven't spoken in years and I've had a couple of relationships since.  Lingering... .

[peacefulmind]

From reading your motivation it seems you want to explain your side of things to someone close to her, which will give you a sense of closure, just guessing.  If just unfriending that person on Facebook doesn't feel right, then you could send them a message in Facebook explaining you're starting a new life post-relationship, and you weren't too close a friend with that person anyway, so gotta go.  Up to you, but you might look at your desire to be heard.

Good for you for on seeking therapy; that will be someone who can hear you!  And in addition to the pharmaceuticals, it's also important to eat very well, drink a lot of water, sleep enough, and get some exercise; vigorous exercise with some rockin' tunes crankin' can turn you whole day around, and if you do that enough you might find you don't need the drugs.

I know what you mean about ties.  My ex lives in Texas and they've been getting hammered with tornados lately, and I thought of my ex and hope she's OK, even though we haven't spoken in years and I've had a couple of relationships since.  Lingering... .

That may be a good way of doing it, but will still show me as the one who has cut all ties (which I guess I have), but doesn't give me a chance to at least redeem myself at some level. I guess that's what I want. Redemption for the treatment I've received from my ex, and to tell someone close to him/her that I believed and loved my ex to the end, and still do.

[peacefulmind]

Hi family,

I have written down a draft for how I would like to seek some sort of closure with the family member I mentioned earlier... .I don't know if it's too elaborate, and I don't know if it gets the message through. I'm really not trying to bash my ex-BPD... .I'm trying to convey the message that I did not wish this for us and I wanted to be with him/her more than anything... .Any suggestions, advice, or ":)ONT EFFING DO IT" will do. Thank you so much... .

---

Dear xx,

Since you were kind to me and you let me be a part of your family for the short period of time I visited your familymember (FM), I thought I would write this last letter to you.

I don't know what has been said about me, and what have been told about the last x months, and I can't change what has happened. I want you to know that my love for your FM has never been less than the most I have ever felt for anyone. I miss your FM greatly and I wish we could be together, but we can't. I never wanted to hurt your FM, and until the day where I had to break it off because my own physical and emotional strength were completely shattered, I believed we could turn it around and fix everything. I never realised that the relationship was already over for your FM at this point, and I was being dragged along.

I would like to go into detail with what happened, but I also understand that it won't matter the least. I am not writing this to hurt you, your FM, or anyone. I just have no reason to lie anymore, and in order for me to move on and repair myself from the damage that has been done to my very core, I have to seek closure elsewhere than through your FM. I am painted black, and I will never be able to get any sort of explanation or understanding as to how the loving relationship we had was over from one day to the other. I don't know how much you know, I don't know if your FM has told you how I was left for myself for x days with no answer at all, not even the slightest sign of life. I don't know if you know that conversation was started up slowly after these 4 days, with no sign of love or miss from your FM, where I had not slept or eaten because I was worried and in distress. I don't know if you know that I also did some things that weren't smart, I did not understand how our relationship had suddenly turned into not talking at all, completely ignoring one another, so I made ultimatums that were stupid, which just pushed your FM further away to the point where there was no return. I tried to reach out, told your FM that I was there for him/her and that I would do anything to fix things so we could be together. I went through x days where I didn't hear a word from your FM, until I reached out one last time to try and get a conversation going. I offered to talk, I offered to hear your FM out and try and fix things. I never heard anything back for another x days. That was the breaking point for me, I could not take anymore and the emotional abuse your FM had subjected me to was too overwhelming for me to react any different than I did.

I know now that I did not cause this. I was left to fight for myself in the most important time, despite all the times I've been there for your FM, encouraged him/her, loved him/her no matter what, and when I needed him/her the most, I was turned away and rejected like something I have never experienced before. I never thought another person who is supposed to be your significant other could do this kind of thing, but what has happened has happened.

I have shown and proven several times that I would go to the end of the world for your FM. I would've given up everything, my roots, my friends, my career, to go and be with your FM. I came to see him/her to show that I was in this for the long run. I would've never made such an investment if I didn't mean it. It was more than I have ever spent on myself my entire life. You know that I changed much more in my life for your FM, and it pains me to see that we are not together. But I understand why we aren't, and I understand what has happened. In respect for you and the bond you share with your FM, I will not go into further detail of this.

Please know, I have no intention of starting any drama, and whether or not you bring this to your FM or not, is completely up to you. I loved him/her more than anything in this world, and I would've given my everything for the rest of my life to make it work. Instead I'm left to fight my own dirty battle back up, and it's a long and lonely road.

Despite all this, please know that I wish the best for your FM and that he/she will find peace and happiness.

Thank you for letting me be a part of your family, I wish it could've been for longer but the horrible truth is that there's no return.

I wish you all the best in your future. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

[dagwoodbowser]

But if I just delete, this is a clear sign of me being the one at fault, which I would hate to leave as a legacy for this person. I want him/her to understand that I loved my ex-BPD more than anyhting in this world, I would have gone to the end of the world for him/her,

peaceful: Based on review of your responses seems you're already pre-committed to sending some sort of letter, email or statement to this individual. Guess you were hoping there would be more agreement with your idea?

Since this si something you want to do I would keep it very brief and I would not get into any details pertaining to your X's issues. This may come off as blaming or finger pointing. If he is related, keep in mind that blood is thicker than water and if he has to choose a side you will be on losing one. This may create gossip. If you're so inclined you should write your brief and present it here for feedback. My 2 cents. I learned the hard way. When I am emotional I tend to write very differently than when I am not. Once that statement is sent there's not taking it back. Also, bear in mind that any written documents or texts are hard proof if someone wants to come back and claim harassment, intimidation or slander.

[peacefulmind]

But if I just delete, this is a clear sign of me being the one at fault, which I would hate to leave as a legacy for this person. I want him/her to understand that I loved my ex-BPD more than anyhting in this world, I would have gone to the end of the world for him/her,

peaceful: Based on review of your responses seems you're already pre-committed to sending some sort of letter, email or statement to this individual. Guess you were hoping there would be more agreement with your idea?

Since this si something you want to do I would keep it very brief and I would not get into any details pertaining to your X's issues. This may come off as blaming or finger pointing. If he is related, keep in mind that blood is thicker than water and if he has to choose a side you will be on losing one. This may create gossip. If you're so inclined you should write your brief and present it here for feedback. My 2 cents. I learned the hard way. When I am emotional I tend to write very differently than when I am not. Once that statement is sent there's not taking it back. Also, bear in mind that any written documents or texts are hard proof if someone wants to come back and claim harassment, intimidation or slander.

I had no expectations to the response I would get from it. I hoped that someone would've tried the same thing out, who could guide and advice me as to whether it is a good idea or not. I can understand where you're coming from with keeping it brief - I may re-draft this and really go into thinking about what it is I want to convey.

Thanks for your input.

[enlighten me]

I collected my son the other day and my exgf's mum was there. She was very chatty and seemed pleased to see me. The impression I get is her family are at their wits end with her... .They may not know the full story but they know what she's like and how difficult she can be. Her brother lived with us and couldnt wait to get his own place to get away from her.

The penny may not drop straight aay but as she has failed relationship after failed relationship her family will Re evaluate their opinion.

[peacefulmind]

I collected my son the other day and my exgf's mum was there. She was very chatty and seemed pleased to see me. The impression I get is her family are at their wits end with her... .They may not know the full story but they know what she's like and how difficult she can be. Her brother lived with us and couldnt wait to get his own place to get away from her.

The penny may not drop straight aay but as she has failed relationship after failed relationship her family will Re evaluate their opinion.

Unfortunately it is a very stubborn family, a very proud one as well. I doubt they will ever think my ex-BPD is actually the one who does this to every single relationship he/she is in. I guess it's not my problem anymore  :/ I'm still debating if this will give me any sort of closure though... .

[enlighten me]

Ive discussed it with my ex MIL. She agreed her daughter most likely has BPD. Ive not discussed it with any of my exgf family. To be honest the urge to validate myself with her family has pretty much gone.

Like the smear campaign its a case of does it matter who believes it. People that know me dont believe it and people that dont know me dont matter. I'll probably never see her family apart from in passing so im not fussed.

[peacefulmind]

Ive discussed it with my ex MIL. She agreed her daughter most likely has BPD. Ive not discussed it with any of my exgf family. To be honest the urge to validate myself with her family has pretty much gone.

Like the smear campaign its a case of does it matter who believes it. People that know me dont believe it and people that dont know me dont matter. I'll probably never see her family apart from in passing so im not fussed.

I find solace in what you wrote here. You're right, it doesn't matter what people think they know. The people that know me, knows that I did everything in my power to make it work and that I stretched myself more than I have ever done for anyone in my entire life, to show love and care. I will heavily reconsider sending anything. Thank you EM.

[sbr1050]

Have anyone on this board experience with the aftermath of writing such a letter? The family member is close to my ex-BPD, and I know there's a high possibility that I've been smeared already. But I will be honest and make clear that I have no reason to lie, because I would rather not be involved with my ex-BPD again... .

I wrote such a letter to my uBPDexbf's adult sister, who I really liked.  She and my ex are close and I felt I owed her a goodbye and thank you for everything - she always welcomed me into her house.  I am glad I wrote the letter. I stated some things about my ex and how concerned I am for him and those around him.  The sister responded with a card but either she was just being diplomatic and respectful of her brother or she is more like the rest of his family - too accepting (he is 62 and is with a 23 year old now).  Not sorry I wrote it - but I have all sorts of emotions about how screwy he and his whole family are... .

[peacefulmind]

Have anyone on this board experience with the aftermath of writing such a letter? The family member is close to my ex-BPD, and I know there's a high possibility that I've been smeared already. But I will be honest and make clear that I have no reason to lie, because I would rather not be involved with my ex-BPD again... .

I wrote such a letter to my uBPDexbf's adult sister, who I really liked.  She and my ex are close and I felt I owed her a goodbye and thank you for everything - she always welcomed me into her house.  I am glad I wrote the letter. I stated some things about my ex and how concerned I am for him and those around him.  The sister responded with a card but either she was just being diplomatic and respectful of her brother or she is more like the rest of his family - too accepting (he is 62 and is with a 23 year old now).  Not sorry I wrote it - but I have all sorts of emotions about how screwy he and his whole family are... .

Thank you for sharing sbr.

And that is also what has kept me from doing it. I have written the letter a dozen of times now, and each time I feel like I convey the message in a more and more behaved way without pointing fingers or telling the family member that my ex-BPD is mentally disordered. I probably won't send it. I realise now that I won't get anything out of it other than more heartache and it would make me seem like the vengeful one. I must admit I carry alot of hate towards my ex-BPD and what he/she has done to me. I have never asked for anything and right now, in the hardest time of my life , I was discarded like I was nothing.

I hope the hate will subside with time and I can move on without having to reminisce this terrible time of my life :/