Did I scare her away for good?

[VistaView]

Hello All... .

I haven't posted here in months, due to a successful, partial detachment since going strict NC in July '14.  She attempted triangulation with me and my replacement 3 months (OCT) after our B/U, but me, seething with anger at the nerve of her to show up on my doorstep after catching her red handed cheating, blew up at her and in the process showed waaay too much emotion and attachment. 

I called her every name in the book and told her to never, ever come around my home again.  That was 7 months ago and I haven't heard a peep from her since.  I know this question has been asked one million times on this board, but did my actions finally scare her away for good? During our 7 yr relationship we had our fair share of recycles, and she instigated EVERY one of them.  This was before I knew anything about BPD.

I know all about her presently getting her needs met by my replacement hence no need to stray, but family, do you all think she will break BPD routine and stay away?  I have been ruminating and thinking about her quite a bit lately, but I will never break NC.  I wish to see her again to test the depth of my detachment and I have forgiven her in my mind for her actions as I have studied BPD and now understand what our relationship was all about.  I do not want to be in a relationship with her, she can't be trusted. Any comments or opinions will be appreciated... .

[once removed]

"but did my actions finally scare her away for good?"

"do you all think she will break BPD routine and stay away?"

in terms of her contacting you i think it makes little to no difference. in terms of what you have to ask yourself?

"I do not want to be in a relationship with her, she can't be trusted. Any comments or opinions will be appreciated... ."

"I wish to see her again to test the depth of my detachment"

why?

[VistaView]

I guess I am looking to see just how far I have come in terms of healing.  To see if she will trigger me in some sort of way.  I have been ruminating heavily lately and that's probably part of it.  Anyway, thank you for your reply... .

[once removed]

im reminded of that song "hurt". "i hurt myself today to see if i still feel." there are lots of ways to measure how far youve come in terms of healing. the five stages of detachment and the five stages of grieving for example. the posts of others who may be doing either better or worse. you dont have to touch the stove and see if it burns or analyze the burn. if youre ruminating heavily, AND thats driving you to contact, i think you can expect it as a result. nonetheless, it is your decision and you wouldnt be alone in taking this method.

1. how are you dealing with the ruminating? is it helping you make sense of things or is it keeping you stuck? both?

2. are you seeing a therapist?

3. visualize contact/running into her. how do you imagine it plays out? how do you think youd feel afterwards?

4. do you think you might also want to gauge her healing, or see if you trigger her in some way?

[VistaView]

im reminded of that song "hurt". "i hurt myself today to see if i still feel." there are lots of ways to measure how far youve come in terms of healing. the five stages of detachment and the five stages of grieving for example. the posts of others who may be doing either better or worse. you dont have to touch the stove and see if it burns or analyze the burn. if youre ruminating heavily, AND thats driving you to contact, i think you can expect it as a result. nonetheless, it is your decision and you wouldnt be alone in taking this method.

1. how are you dealing with the ruminating? is it helping you make sense of things or is it keeping you stuck? both?

2. are you seeing a therapist?

3. visualize contact/running into her. how do you imagine it plays out? how do you think youd feel afterwards?

4. do you think you might also want to gauge her healing, or see if you trigger her in some way?

I am ruminating heavily, but I will not make contact.  Even when we were together and fought, I never made contact for days.  I always knew she would be the one to do it and just like clockwork, she always did.  She would call and ask if I "was ok", and was back on.

I think me ruminating right now is just a phase that will pass, but she comes across my mind everyday.  Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes longer.

I am not seeing a therapist, she has not effected my life to that degree.

I think if I ran into her or had contact, I have reached the point of forgiveness, but would like the real opportunity to test this out.

I do not think that I trigger her in any way, she is the type to always put herself first and she is busy with my replacement anyway... .

[once removed]

"I am not seeing a therapist, she has not effected my life to that degree."

the prospect of seeing a therapist need not be about how she has effected your life or to what degree. therapy is for you, and however youve been effected, seeing a therapist is not a weakness or a sign of it. think of it like like getting a checkup.

"Even when we were together and fought, I never made contact for days.  I always knew she would be the one to do it and just like clockwork, she always did.  She would call and ask if I "was ok", and was back on."

i can relate a great deal to that. its not a stable thing to be involved in as you can see. the dynamic also becomes as addictive as any other. i had to ask myself, if i was unhappy, and always having these episodes where id have to get away and let her calm down, why did i stay? i pretty often got deep, heartfelt apologies, but neither her actions nor the dynamic ever changed. this wasnt unique to my BPD relationship, it was a lifelong pattern. is it for you?

[VistaView]

"I am not seeing a therapist, she has not effected my life to that degree."

the prospect of seeing a therapist need not be about how she has effected your life or to what degree. therapy is for you, and however youve been effected, seeing a therapist is not a weakness or a sign of it. think of it like like getting a checkup.

"Even when we were together and fought, I never made contact for days.  I always knew she would be the one to do it and just like clockwork, she always did.  She would call and ask if I "was ok", and was back on."


i can relate a great deal to that. its not a stable thing to be involved in as you can see. the dynamic also becomes as addictive as any other. i had to ask myself, if i was unhappy, and always having these episodes where id have to get away and let her calm down, why did i stay? i pretty often got deep, heartfelt apologies, but neither her actions nor the dynamic ever changed. this wasnt unique to my BPD relationship, it was a lifelong pattern. is it for you?

Good points... .

I don't see therapy as a sign of weakness, I just don't need it regarding this breakup, it is not our first.  The first breakup lasted 18 months, she came back hot and heavy to get back together.

No, it was/is not a stable thing.  I went back so many times because I enjoyed the notion of always knowing we would reunite and I was also addicted to her.  It was very powerful and tied to her sexual prowess.  I am ashamed to admit this to myself, but it is true.

The fights allowed me some space from the madness, but I always wanted back in.  I stayed because I felt needed and was a knight in shining armor, but I mistakenly thought she would always need me and never leave.  I also admittedly was addicted to the drama, but she did show sincere love and affection at times, which let me know she is capable of it, but not sustaining it.  So sad, because I know she, like everyone else, wants to be loved but needs attention from multiple male sources.

When we fought, she would turn on the waterworks afterwards and apologize, but it never lasted.  Not a lifelong pattern for me, she is probably the most difficult relationship I have had to get over.