Tips for Reconciliation Needed - she wants to give it a shot

[ravfour4]

Well, things have been going pretty well. As far as I know the other guy is still out of the picture, we hung out all weekend getting progressively closer each day and she really opened up to me last night.

I've been validating her feelings and it seems to help a lot. We have still yet to be intimate, but she'll encourage me to give her close to sexual massages, slept over last night and woke me up by lying on me and holding my hand. I'm staying strong, setting boundaries and reassuring her that I won't hurt her. I hope it keeps going in this direction.

She mentioned she's scared of rushing into something again and she's scared that we may not work out. I was also very happy to hear her say that she wants to make sure she gets back with me for the right reasons, because she really likes me, not because my "resume" looks better or because I'm an easy target that makes her feel great for the time being etc. It was great to hear her thinking clearly and rationally about all of this.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Riverrat]

Congrats on the recycle... .sounds like overall things are going in a positive direction.

A thought comes to mind, tho... .Intimacy may or may not ever return to the way things were in the infatuation stage.

My pwBPD hid behind alcohol to "enjoy" sex when we started dating.  Once I was hooked, it faded quickly to barely sleeping in the same bed, or just hand holding.

Just saying... .be careful how you push the intimacy issue, even if she suggests it. She may see it as only for your benefit at this point.

Stay strong!

RR

[ravfour4]

What keeps happening now is this odd pattern:

-We start getting closer, talking about the future etc. and acting more like we did when we first met at the start of our 4 year relationship rather than how we did in the middle or end.

-I think she continually wants to feel the same intense infatuation that she did before and when she doesn't she gets scared. If we keep hanging out, that fades away and we go back to having a great time, but if she's about to head home, she acts a bit distance and says she's confused/scared.

I can then usually talk her down from this, reinforcing that it's OK to take things slow and that I understand that she's scared and confused and reiterating that things may not be as intense as before, and that living in a "middle ground" may be exactly what we need and is often the foundation of strong, long-lasting relationships. I also tell her that I won't hurt her and that I'm here for her.

She's scared of us not working out again, she feels bad for all the bad things she did to me/us following the break-up and says right now that the other guy is out of the picture for good and that she's deciding between me or being single. The conversation last night ended with "let's just keep doing what we've been doing, go at whatever pace we want and see what happens".  I think she feels pressured by my desire to kiss her when she's not feeling "ready", I try to tell her that I'm fine with taking it slow, but I'm not sure she believes me.

On my end, I'm trying to focus on myself and stay strong regardless. I'm trying to not let her mood dictate how happy I am. We hung out pretty much 24/7 the last 4 days (over the Holiday weekend) and it was full of good/fun memories. I thought I may never even see her again and now she's in my bed, holding my hand and cuddling up. It's been amazing, but I'm trying to keep a shield up given her uncertainty.

[ravfour4]

I've also noticed that she, like others BPDgf on here, has this mentality that "if X really loved me, he would have done all of these things". She said that about me when we broke up and now she's saying it about the rebound she went to after me. Makes me scared there's going to be some random thing she expects/wants me to do and if I don't read her mind and do it, she'll be out of here again.

Up until now I've made the main changes she and I wanted (both for us and myself personally):

-Quit smoking MJ

-More social, more willing to do fun activities (it's all we've been doing constantly the past 2 weeks)

-More caring and consistently caring - which for me tends to come as a positive side-effect of quitting smoking MJ.

One other confusing aspect is she flip flops between - "let's take it at my pace, don't push me" and "just take control, do whatever you want to, tell me exactly how you feel, no filter". I've been leaning towards the latter lately, it's going well despite the moments of "confusion".

[formflier]

 

Don't be scared about her picking a random thing to use against you... .she will.

Be prepared with a health response... .

What do you think you will say?

FF

[ravfour4]

I recently told her that through our initial break-up, I realized how much I sincerely cared about her fully, including her flaws etc. and told her a story I heard from friends of my parents just this past weekend. The story went something like this:

--A woman really loved a man, but hated a few things about him. She married him hoping that he'd change those things after the marriage.

--She called her brother 2 months into the marriage, worried that he wasn't the right person for her.

--Her brother asked "is he being any different than he was before the marriage?" and she said no. He reminded her that no one is perfect and that it's near impossible to change someone and to ignore the tiny near meaningless flaws when there are so many huge things you love about the person. They've been happily married for 25 years+

My ex who I am working on reconnecting with and ideally pursuing a relationship with in the future has said in the past that "no one is perfect so I guess I just won't marry anyone". I told her this story for 2 reasons:

1) To reassure her that I love her fully, including her flaws, emotional instability etc. (I obviously didn't say that word-for-word ha) and all of the GREAT things about her. That I won't run away and that I want to be her "rock". During one of the good moments I told her that since the break-up I've never stopped caring and that as I watched her get into things with this new guy, I was concerned knowing that it wasn't what she really wanted to be doing and that I'm willing to forgive her for her "terrible" actions knowing that my actions played a role as well. Had I said that a month ago, she would have said "I don't need your help. I don't need saving. I'm fine", but instead she lit up, loved it and held my hand for the first time in months.

2) To let her know that no one is perfect and to not be afraid to commit to be because there is a thing or two she doesn't like. As mentioned previously, there were a few things in our relationship that neither of us liked that sincerely needed changing (not just to appeal to the other person), she seems to sincerely understand that I've made these changes permanently, and not just to "get her back".

I'm just having trouble getting past this blockade she has up: "I want to be with you forever, but I'm scared of getting hurt and I'm scared of hurting you again so I can't just let "loose", so I'll pull you close, but if you get too close, I'll push again".

I've decided to just be myself and say what I want to say. She nicely texted me good morning today and told me to have a good day, I said something similar back and added "I had a lot of fun with you this weekend. I'm never bored when you're around".

When we don't talk about "us", things are great. If she thinks I'm being too flirty and expect "something", she panics "oh no, I don't know if I want to, I'm confused, if I say no he'll be mad". Maybe toning back my flirtation and being a bit "colder" would help? We've been hanging out so often (everyday since she ended things with the other guy) that she hasn't really had a chance to see if she misses me.

[ravfour4]

I mainly want to know if you guys think there's a chance given your familiarity with BPD women.

A part of me thinks I may need to distance myself in order to focus on myself more fully. I find myself riding this roller coaster with her once again. When she's with me and being flirty, I'm on cloud 9 like I was when we dated. When she's away and doesn't respond for a while or doesn't answer my call, I go back to panic mode. I always stay calm and collected when I'm with her, but it still makes a bit of a mess internally.

[ravfour4]

We hung out last night, no mention of being confused, we cuddled and held hands and I even got a few small pecks for the first time in months.

I notice that if I don't get too flirty or talk about the other guy, things seem to go much better.

[formflier]

 

What might be a better approach... .

Please read the lessons on validation and invalidation... .again and again.  This is something I'm working on as well... .validation is not natural to me... .complimenting is.

I see a lot of "me" in the way you like to tell stories to explain things to her... .you have a point of view of how you think she should view the world. 

Here is the thing... .you are trying to convince her... .to look at things a different way.  That is dangerously close... .to try to convince her to "feel" a different way about things.

I still get confused about validation and agreement.  I can see how you wouldn't want to agree with the statement that there is nobody perfect... .so... .she won't get married. 

Do you think you can validate the frustration... .and hopelessness that goes with it?  I hope so.

If you do feel compelled to present an alternate view... .SET is usually best format... .but the vibe I am picking up here... .says lots more validation in order.  That should help her relax a bit... .and that should help you guys deepen your feelings.

FF