I got triggered again

[formflier]

 

Is MC tomorrow?

 

I hope it goes well for you?

If you have been triggered a lot lately... .be open about that in counseling.

Could be a good starting point to discuss that we are each responsible for our own feelings... .our spouses behavior is not the reason.   

I mention this because there seems to be a  history of her blaming... .and you accepting the blame. 

What would your r/s be like if the blaming went away?

FF

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hmcbart]

Is MC tomorrow?

 

I hope it goes well for you?

If you have been triggered a lot lately... .be open about that in counseling.

Could be a good starting point to discuss that we are each responsible for our own feelings... .our spouses behavior is not the reason.   

I mention this because there seems to be a  history of her blaming... .and you accepting the blame. 

What would your r/s be like if the blaming went away?

FF

It's tomorrow morning. It don't know how it's going to go at this point.

I texted her ask if she could pick up the flags the Cub Scout will be putting on the veterans graves this Saturday. She replied "I'm sorry but at this time I'm not able to pick up the flags."

I asked if everything was ok and she said she felt paralyzed and couldn't breath after she read my text. I had also sent one after the first letting her know I emailed some paperwork we needed before Counceling in the morning.

I'm on a plane about to have to turn off my phone and that's the text I get from her.

[formflier]

I'm on a plane about to have to turn off my phone and that's the text I get from her.

She may or may not know about what you were doing.

And this is a reason to stay away from text for important issues.  My wife and I know are grocery list only texters.

I will also sometimes send a happy text... ."great news!  xyz... .".  Nothing negative... .

Hang in there for MC... .be honest about your emotions... .your nervousness... .

This is not a competition... .your wife and you are on the same time... .you need to improve your r/s skills... .

That is the point of MC... .to improve r/s skills... .not to prove one another at fault.

FF

[Hmcbart]

Had MC today. Thought it went pretty good. I was the bad person in all of this. When asked why we were there, I said to learn to communicate better and argue less. My wife added that we also need to work in anger issues and pointed at me.

There were the usual tears and stories of how badly I mistreated her and the hateful things I say. Then the fact that when I complain that she is saying hurtful things I can never recall what the exact words were.

I told the T that I have given up on any of my emotional needs being met. My wife interrupted a few times and even quoted the fact that last year we had sex 7 times in 6 months. I just smiled and said that it was 4 times in 6 months and once a year before that. I then let the T know that the sex was not an issue anymore and that wasn't what I want to focus on.

Of course I was blamed for always bringing up the past and not letting it go. I'm sure I've done this a few times when I'm JADEING and trying to prove a point.


Next appoint is on June 11th. The T asked if we can give her permission to speak to our current or previous counselors. I am 100% for this idea. Worse case scenario is I find out that it really is me and I'm a head case who doesn't realize how bad he is. Personally I hope I'm truly screwed up in the head and this is all because of me.

FF - I have started texting her for a couple of reasons. It gives me a chance to think about exactly what I'm saying and how she might take it but also to help me keep a record of our conversations. I know it probably doesn't help with our personal communication.  Until I can speak to her without fear of her going ballistic or misinterpreting what I say, it's a protective measure.

[formflier]

 

OK... .so... .session 1 is behind you. 

Exhale... .

This is going to be ok.

Here is the thing... .it's not 100% of either of your guys fault.

There will be things that they "find out" about you... .that you need to work on.  Please do that regardless of what your wife does.

Better to keep an eye on yourself... .than on her.

Hang in there.   Any chance to get appointments closer together?

I understand about texting to control what you say.

Might be good enough for now.

Next step could be writing it out... .and talking to her or reading it to her.

Sometimes I make notes... .to keep me on track.

FF

[Hmcbart]

I am more than willing to work on myself. I am currently in T for myself and will continue to try and work on me regardless of what she chooses to do.

As far as appointments closer together, the T is on vacation from the 28th through the 8th of next month. This was the closest date she had.

The kids get out of school next month and she and the boys will be in TX for a couple of weeks. Last year they were gone a month and a half but that's a whole different story.

But if the same holds true for this summer we may not be able to go back after the 11th for several weeks or even more than  a month. Even if she feels it's important that we do, she won't change her plans on this one.

I would love to have an actual conversation with voices and everything   but until we are at a point where we can do so without it getting ugly, texting will have to do.

Its not that we do not actually speak to each other. We usually only talk about things I call transactional conversations. Things like bills, school, or the kids, never any intimate conversation about us or her. I won't even talk about work with her because it triggers her. But then again I can remember the last time she asked how my day was, so I guess it's not important anyway.

[formflier]

The kids get out of school next month and she and the boys will be in TX for a couple of weeks. Last year they were gone a month and a half but that's a whole different story.

Do you get any say in this? 

Where do you take the boys and do things with them?

FF

[Hmcbart]

Last year they stayed longer than usual because of some plans her family had. They were spreading her grandmother's ashes one weekend and they had a family reunion 2 weeks later. They spend time going between my family and hers when they are there.

I had a lot going on at work so I chose to stay behind. I can write a book on some of the things that happen while the are gone. How she lied to me about where she was and who she was with and what time she was getting in.

I don't think she cheated and she swore up and down she didn't, but the deception and the way I found out was very upsetting to me. It was also the first time I can remember her actually apologizing to me and admitting she lied. Granted when I was still upset the next day she got mad and basically took back her apology and said the she didn't lie to me.

As far as my say so in it, I don't have much. She wanted to go back for her birthday in April and before that. I told her that was fine but I still worry there will be a repeat of last summer. She quickly painted me black and told her family she wasn't coming to visit because I didn't want her to.

So my say so counts as long as I can deal with being painted black for a few months at a time. I am planning to go back in June and she was upset when I told her that. Makes me a bit uneasy how she got upset when I said I wanted to ride for 2 days in the car with them.

I don't take the boys anywhere by myself for long stints. Usually just weekend camping with the Boy Scouts. They have always gone back to TX for a few weeks and even a month once before last summer. That's one of the only times the boys get to spend time with our families.

I changed it a few years ago and started having us take at least a week as a family. This year I'm not so sure that will happen.