I suspect (and have always suspected) my mother is BPD. It's getting worse.

[TransientMom]

Hi -

As my siblings and I became adults we realized our mom is certifiably... .something. I discovered the books Stop Walking on Eggshells and The BPD Mother (or something like that) years ago. We are all pretty good with our boundaries and have learned what we can deal with as adults.

We're all in our mid-to late 40's and early 50's. Two of the three of us maintain a regular relationship with our mother and our other sibling moved far away and only visits in a very controlled neutral environment once a year.

While our mother hasn't been formally diagnosed - she was diagnosed when we were young with depression and perhaps borderline schizophrenia - her behavior fits more closely with BPD. I speak with her by phone a couple of times a week and those conversations are essentially monologues from her (which I'm prepared for) and if I interject with anything at all the response is typically complete disdain or disinterest in the topic. My brother and I endure endless criticisms about our lives, children, etc.  - you name it, we're doing it wrong. We've gotten used to it.

I joined this board because I am seeking input on how I can continue to deal with my mother as she gets older. She is in her early 70's. Mother's Day is always difficult because there is no easy way to make her feel appreciated. I really blew it this Mother's Day and don't know how to move forward with her. I made the conscious decision 15 years ago to maintain a relationship with her throughout her life.

For mother's day or any holiday - no gift is acceptable. A surprise visit is unwelcome. A planned visit is nearly impossible to pin down. I pretty much dropped the ball this year due to work and issues with my own family unit and just made a phone call which ended badly. She began criticizing and I essentially lost my patience and cut her off by saying I had to go - as soon as I said it, she hung up on me. Essentially, I believe she gets more enjoyment from complaining about her neglectful children than she would from an actual visit. My brother and I tried to plan something but she wouldn't commit. But, then she moped all day (according to our dad). And, now she's not speaking to me.

I'd like to mend our communication (I live a couple hours away) enough to continue to have at least a phone relationship. But, I'm not sure what to say. I don't really want to apologize. Any suggestions would be welcomed.

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi TransientMom.

I really blew it this Mother's Day

Are you sure you're the one who blew it? It seems like you called on the day and she is the one who began to roll all over your self esteem? I'm projecting my own stuff here a bit, but I'm wondering why you feel responsible for mending the communication? The ball is in her court, as far as I can tell?

My experience is that my mother rages at me and "disowns" me, says she will never talk to me again and then a few days/weeks/whatever later, she's right back to sending me emails asking me why I'm not talking to her and hopes I will talk to her again.   I recently suffered a major trigger/fog setback over this issue, in that I got confused over just who was not talking to whom, but I came to the conclusion that I was unwilling to accept responsibility for HER stated decision to never speak to me again. I'm not willing to accept responsibility for HER bad behavior. I'm still NC, and trying to determine if I should point out that she is the one initiating NC and rolling right over it and that it's not acceptable to me. (This is my problem though, and I will have to figure that one out).

If you are OK with waiting it out (and enjoying some peace and quiet maybe for a little while) I'm willing to bet she'll contact you again as if nothing has happened and you can pick up where you left off as if nothing happened if you are OK with doing that. If you come to the conclusion you are not OK with that, it might be good to review the workshops on boundary setting here. I have a lot of issues around boundaries (setting them and communicating them clearly and enforcing them in an appropriate way) and need to work on them myself.  If I were you, I wouldn't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for and IMO it might be an enabling thing to do, especially if she does not apologize for her behavior as well.

Here's a hug for all the stress you've been under:  

[ShieldsUp12]

come to think of it, whatever you are OK with, it's a good idea to review all the information on this site. 

[bethanny]

It is a trap to think there was a "right way to go" which would have prevented stress for yourself.  That is how I was hypnotized by my needy uBPD parent, that there was the "perfect" way to behave that my uBPD mother and, according to her, GOD expected and deserved from me and I let them both down. I AM BAD AND WRONG AND COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING BETTER.  BETTER FOR HER at the sacrifice of what was NATURAL for myself.

I am suddenly thinking of that expression "Recovery is learning to let go of what you never had."  The conditions to earn a parent's good will sometimes reveal how incapable that parent is of a base-line unconditional acceptance.  Our persistence trying to promote evidence of that unconditional acceptance from our parent keeps on recycling horror and grief for ourselves. It is like an addiction to gambling, and looking at the slot machine trying for a jackpot that is destined not to come.  The parent instead keeps  projecting their non-acceptance of themselves onto you or me or to so many of us.  And we can't change that root situation and if that can't change they can't give us what they can't give themselves.