Mother's Day Pick up or not

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD is mad that my l. sent him a letter to contact me only in writing regarding children. I had to set my boundaries after eleven years of bulling especially past several days. Of course he called me after he got the letter and texted and emailed he got the letter.

When he came to get the kids today, he barked at me that I need to pick up the phone because he wants to talk to the kids. I told him he can text me then I will have the kids call back. It happened one time last year.

Now he is saying he can't bring the kids back for Mother's day. I was willing to meet in the half way at the church on Sunday. 15 min. from his place.

His text " I can't. You can pick them up".  

My text "If Sunday doesn't work out for you, please follow the contract and drop them off by 6 pm on Saturday.

His text "no thank you, This is my weekend. if you want to see the kids for Mother's day, you come pick them up".

This is not his first time trying this.

My sep. contract says husband shall be responsible during his visitation. My l says it includes pick ups and drop offs. I told my BPD that multiple times and he says he knows but it is not fair. Last month, he texted that he expects me to pick up or drop off one hour before he was supposed to pick up. I said that I am following the contract. So he texted saying that he is not coming to pick up the kids this weekend. It is such a shame that kids are put in the middle because of my laziness. My children especially my daughter was devastated. Broke my heart. Then the following weekend, he said his car does not work. a new car he bought during separation... .I knew it was a lie but I went to get them. Maybe that was my mistake. My l. told me that I need to draw a line and be strong. Honestly I do not mind going to get the kids but not this way... .he wants to get his way by pushing me around. He can get a lawyer and tries to change the term. He has no lawyers and got everything his way so far because of my previous lawyer's poor job and my fear for confrontation.

Now he sent me another text "My interpretation of the separation agreement is that I am responsible for my visitation. So that makes you are responsible for your visitation". I did not answer. I am willing to miss this Mother's Day to keep my boundary. It does suck with the fact my kids will spend time with his new girlfriend and her kids but we (me and the kids) will be okay. They (6+7 yrs) made me promise that I wouldn't open the presents until they come back. I do not want to give in anymore. I called my l. to get advise. But she left for a day.

Is his interpretation correct? What would you do? How would you respond to his last text? or just ignore the text? Would I break any rule to ignore the last text? Please Help!

[Godslove]

My BPD is mad that my l. sent him a letter to contact me only in writing regarding children. I had to set my boundaries after eleven years of bulling especially past several days. Of course he called me after he got the letter and texted and emailed he got the letter.

When he came to get the kids today, he barked at me that I need to pick up the phone because he wants to talk to the kids. I told him he can text me then I will have the kids call back. It happened one time last year.

Now he is saying he can't bring the kids back for Mother's day. I was willing to meet in the half way at the church on Sunday. 15 min. from his place.

His text " I can't. You can pick them up".  

My text "If Sunday doesn't work out for you, please follow the contract and drop them off by 6 pm on Saturday.

His text "no thank you, This is my weekend. if you want to see the kids for Mother's day, you come pick them up".

This is not his first time trying this.

My sep. contract says husband shall be responsible during his visitation. My l says it includes pick ups and drop offs. I told my BPD that multiple times and he says he knows but it is not fair. Last month, he texted that he expects me to pick up or drop off one hour before he was supposed to pick up. I said that I am following the contract. So he texted saying that he is not coming to pick up the kids this weekend. It is such a shame that kids are put in the middle because of my laziness. My children especially my daughter was devastated. Broke my heart. Then the following weekend, he said his car does not work. a new car he bought during separation... .I knew it was a lie but I went to get them. Maybe that was my mistake. My l. told me that I need to draw a line and be strong. Honestly I do not mind going to get the kids but not this way... .he wants to get his way by pushing me around. He can get a lawyer and tries to change the term. He has no lawyers and got everything his way so far because of my previous lawyer's poor job and my fear for confrontation.

Now he sent me another text "My interpretation of the separation agreement is that I am responsible for my visitation. So that makes you are responsible for your visitation". I did not answer. I am willing to miss this Mother's Day to keep my boundary. It does suck with the fact my kids will spend time with his new girlfriend and her kids but we (me and the kids) will be okay. They (6+7 yrs) made me promise that I wouldn't open the presents until they come back. I do not want to give in anymore. I called my l. to get advise. But she left for a day.

Is his interpretation correct? What would you do? How would you respond to his last text? or just ignore the text? Would I break any rule to ignore the last text? Please Help!

[livednlearned]

There are boundaries, and then there is problem-solving. With a BPD ex, problem-solving is challenging -- you have to be willing to think 10 steps ahead and this is admittedly exhausting. Most people with BPD cannot think this far ahead, so there is some benefit to putting in the effort.

You want the kids, so picking them up makes sense. It gives you control of making sure that you can get them. This is a good thing to have entered officially in the court order if it becomes a problem. A way to create a boundary and problem-solve might be, "I will come pick them up and will have the lawyer made a motion to modify the order so that we continue to stick to the legal agreement, which going forward will be that whichever parent is to begin visitation is responsible for pick up."

You can't control what he does, you can't make him bring you the kids. And if he doesn't come pick the kids up, then that just means you get more time with the kids.

Having boundaries is important, and it's good that you're focusing on that. It's hard! A big step in the healthy direction. You also want to make sure that any changes to the boundaries he suggests that work in your favor, you are flexible enough to embrace.

The key is making sure he is consistent. People with BPD tend to move the goalposts, that's why it might be worth having a modification to the order.

[ForeverDad]

I think many orders put the responsibility of the pick up on the receiving parent though I could be wrong, that way you are in control of it.  I never had an order like that, due to the confrontations and feigned victimhood we almost always exchanged at a neutral location.  If it's at a neutral location such as a parking lot, restaurant or PlayStation then you would both have to drive to meet.

If you believe you need to call the police for assistance then be sure to always carry copies of the latest order in the car or wherever you are.  The police may try to get him to comply but are probably unlikely to enforce the order I recall in my case the officer tried to find a resolution to the immediate incident but then referred us to the court for solution.  The benefit of a police officer is that you can ask for a police report and that would help you if you did end up going back into court.

If this is an issue that has to go to court keep in mind that the court may not pay attention to things that are in the past such as over 6 months prior. They are considered old or stale, not 'actionable' individually but could be used as a basis to document a pattern of behavior.

[ForeverDad]

How did Mother's Day work out?  Did he back down and do the exchange?  Sometimes the bark is worse than the bite.  You are boundary setting.  Your ex is boundary pushing.  It is often a bit of Brinkmanship, who blinks first?  Be aware that reasonableness is often perceived as weakness.

Court pays much more attention to late or missed holidays than to late or missed exchanges.  So don't let him say "It's only a few hours".  If you did miss out, then document it.  If you had to get the police involved, be sure to get a copy of the report.  Next time in court you want to present the various problems that arose and, more importantly, present your proposed solutions.  Court is more likely to choose your ideas if you become seen as the Problem Solver.

This is early in your separation/divorce, so it is not surprising that there are gaps and vagueness in the orders and schedules.  I've concluded the court leaves some things purposely vague with the expectation that the parents will work it out on their own.  For us, that concept and expectation doesn't work automatically, the "reasonable" telephone contact and "mutually agreed" exchange locations won't happen, at least not in the early months and years.  (The only time being reasonable worked in my case was when it was something my ex wanted, very lopsided for her benefit only.)  Now is a good time to discover where the 'gotchas' are and get them plugged.

[Godslove]

You are right, ForeverDad. This do work out only I agree with him. He never brought the kids back. He came back on Sunday 8 pm (later than usual)... .by contract, he was late 26 hours. He came back with his girlfriend. My children told me that daddy parked his care o--ver there because I will be mad if I see R--new girlfriend. He did not have gut to text me that he always does so that I go out to get the kids at the parking lot. My children were crawling down to my balcony when I happen to open the curtain (I live in the basement). My lawyer sent him a letter that it is a breach of contract if he is not responsible for transportation. He sent my l. email about my history of stubborn behavior, he gave in almost everything I requested, He was nothing but fair and any judge would agree where he comes from if he went to the court. He also stated that this make him want to renegotiate about my tie breaker authority. He of course did not mention him not giving half of the stock--e probably it is all gone by now. He did not mention that he kept saying he doesn't have... .oh... .I don't even want to revisit all the unreasonable behavior and pushes... .I said give him no response. All these phone, email, letter... .costs me $630. Oh then my l. got ready for the complaint for absolute divorce. I have to sign and return them with financial statement. Now I regret I saved too much... .Can I withdraw some money now, keep it in the closet, and not disclose? I am talking about my savings after separation.

[ForeverDad]

Before the divorce is filed?  Umm, I won't tell anyone.  I guess it's your call.  If it's right before, I don't know.  In some places it's the status when filed.  If it's only a few thousand, it might not even be something the court wants to hear about?  It ought to be okay if you amounts the roughly equate to rent, mortgage, car payments, etc such as 3 months or 6 months?  Or pull it out to cover estimated interim legal costs? 

Worst case scenario, you're told to include it when calculating financial division of assets and debts.  Odds are that you can maintain it is your money after separation and it will go nowhere, but at least you won't look very bad if at all.  Often we are too cautious, but good to ask.

We have some truisms often quoted here... .

It's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.

The person behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.

Frankly, isn't it likely that he has some money squirreled away?  He will not reciprocate your good or cautious inclinations.