Do your BPD spouse act bad during holidays/special occasions?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello friends,

So, what shall we take away from this discussion? For me, there are two common threads here.

one: we all still want a normal relationship and validation from our S.O. This is the only explaination for our own frustration, dissapointment, and resentment. We have yet to accept their condition and respond with healthy detachment and boundaries.

We have all decided to stay for one reason or another. For me, radical acceptance has only to do with my free choice to stay in the relationship. I only get upset when there is something "I" want and don't get it. (ex. I want respect, what I get is disrespect... .what shall I do with the dissapointment?)

two: our S.O. has only one focus... .themselves! You can see it in the fog of all these posts. Whenever the focus of the day or event is not on the BPDSO... .then this MUST BE rectified... .at any cost. Even in the dysregulation and all the attention you pay to them... .they get what they want... .

Can you see it?

Take care of yourself. You are the only one wiith the power to do just that!

[Enoch]

Hello friends,

So, what shall we take away from this discussion? For me, there are two common threads here.

one: we all still want a normal relationship and validation from our S.O. This is the only explaination for our own frustration, dissapointment, and resentment. We have yet to accept their condition and respond with healthy detachment and boundaries.

We have all decided to stay for one reason or another. For me, radical acceptance has only to do with my free choice to stay in the relationship. I only get upset when there is something "I" want and don't get it. (ex. I want respect, what I get is disrespect... .what shall I do with the dissapointment?)

two: our S.O. has only one focus... .themselves! You can see it in the fog of all these posts. Whenever the focus of the day or event is not on the BPDSO... .then this MUST BE rectified... .at any cost. Even in the dysregulation and all the attention you pay to them... .they get what they want... .

Can you see it?

Take care of yourself. You are the only one wiith the power to do just that!

[BestVersionOfMe]

Hello friends,

So, what shall we take away from this discussion? For me, there are two common threads here.

one: we all still want a normal relationship and validation from our S.O. This is the only explaination for our own frustration, dissapointment, and resentment. We have yet to accept their condition and respond with healthy detachment and boundaries.

We have all decided to stay for one reason or another. For me, radical acceptance has only to do with my free choice to stay in the relationship. I only get upset when there is something "I" want and don't get it. (ex. I want respect, what I get is disrespect... .what shall I do with the dissapointment?)

two: our S.O. has only one focus... .themselves! You can see it in the fog of all these posts. Whenever the focus of the day or event is not on the BPDSO... .then this MUST BE rectified... .at any cost. Even in the dysregulation and all the attention you pay to them... .they get what they want... .

Can you see it?

Take care of yourself. You are the only one wiith the power to do just that!

Spot on, but it is hard to tell everyone, including yourself, to simply "get over it" with someone they love and care for.  I love my wife.  Sometimes I wonder why, but the truth is that I do.  I think at some point you set up a time schedule to change yourself, which you'll need to do anyways if you move on, and then if the relationship becomes somewhat reasonable then perhaps you give it a shot.  For me, I don't believe mine is as outrageous as other's on this forum, but then again, maybe the worst is yet to come.  The recent perspective of my wife is absolutely insane.  Nothing from her mouth is coherent about our relationship and at the moment I'm in a huge devalue phase.  I'm working on me, living in the house, spending time with the kids and being a rock for them while my wife sleeps downstairs in the guest bedroom.  I feel stronger every day and my strength has to do with choices.  I have a choice to be with her or not.  I have a choice to react to her abuse or ignore.  Choices make me feel good.  I'm worrying about today only, tomorrow will come and I'll worry about that day tomorrow.

[Caredverymuch]

Hello friends,

So, what shall we take away from this discussion? For me, there are two common threads here.

one: we all still want a normal relationship and validation from our S.O. This is the only explaination for our own frustration, dissapointment, and resentment. We have yet to accept their condition and respond with healthy detachment and boundaries.

We have all decided to stay for one reason or another. For me, radical acceptance has only to do with my free choice to stay in the relationship. I only get upset when there is something "I" want and don't get it. (ex. I want respect, what I get is disrespect... .what shall I do with the dissapointment?)

two: our S.O. has only one focus... .themselves! You can see it in the fog of all these posts. Whenever the focus of the day or event is not on the BPDSO... .then this MUST BE rectified... .at any cost. Even in the dysregulation and all the attention you pay to them... .they get what they want... .

Can you see it?

Take care of yourself. You are the only one wiith the power to do just that!

This is very true.  The only way to not be further hurt is to expect nothing on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations.  Really any celebration or event that would signify celebrating with unity and joy.  It was very hurtful for me to have every Christmas ruined. My ex would either refuse to participate in Christmas by being " tired" and and staying in bed while our children and I enjoy the glee of Christmas morning.  Or, he would "be there" but be absent.  Would often make comments about " how much this all cost" as we were opening gifts followed by refusing to open his own well thought our and lovingly chosen gifts.  After he did eventually open his gifts he would say he didnt need any of the  items and to return them all.  After my children and I made such loving effort in happily choosing them as well as wrapping them. 

My children would often be panicked as Christmas approached bc they would go to their father asking for the same courtesy in assisting them to shop for their moms gifts.  He would tell them that real gifts should be something they should acquire and pay for themselves.  They were children at the time with no transportation or funds.  I told my children for decades that I dont need any gifts as such. 

My spouse would always have a lovely pile of gifts he resented. My children would have their gifts all chosen, shopped for, and wrapped by me.  And I would have next to nothing with a spouse earning six figures who knew how very much I loved not only all occasions to celebrate others but most especially Christmas.

He ruined every celebration. Even his own.  As a mother teaching my children about family unity and love this was very damaging to try to explain. Even his bday, we would make our tradition favorite family meals and bake his favorite cake, gifts, table set.  He'd say he wasn't hungry. 

On my 40th bday he never acknowledged the day. I was used to this by now.  My kids felt so bad.  Later in the evening far after dinner I went into the kitchen for something.  There was a bday cake w a candle burning left on the table.  While everyone was asleep including him.

Every vacation was ruined by dysregulation  the night before departure which often included expensive flights whereby he would start a conflict as I walked on eggshells trying to ignore for the sake of my children.  Then he would announce he wasn't going in the vacation often emptying the earnestly packed luggage ( by me) on the floor. Air flight in six hours w our large family of young children.  I would have to swallow my pride and beg his " forgiveness" if whatever it was that " upset him."

When he did join in on vacations he complained about cost of everything despite the fact we could afford it.  I began to refer to him as the food cop.  We'd wake up in a hotel w our many children and dress for breakfast.  He would say he wasn't hungry and act perplexed that we were. Same for lunch. Didnt matter that we had children.  You see if he wasn't hungry no one should be. I would  pack an entire suitcase of snacks and travelable food.  Mind you we would be at a five star resort.  Not allowed to enjoy.

In latter years I just stopped vacations all together. What was the sense.

I adopted the attitude that any celebration would not include him and I expected nothing.  I provided all of the joy for that celebration while making excuses to my children saying Dad was tired.  I provided my genuine joy which was real despite so the children indeed were honored. 

One year ago I got out of that marriage and I apologize in advance bc I dearly advocate family to the fullest.  But I can attest that living not only like that but excusing it was very damaging.  Yes, I did have many, many caring conversations w my spouse about this issue and empathized a great deal for him on much.

Take care of you readers and know there is little you can do ( from someone who did everything under the sun for decades) to influence change. 

[cloudten]

Take care of yourself. You are the only one with the power to do just that!

 

One year ago I got out of that marriage and I apologize in advance bc I dearly advocate family to the fullest.  But I can attest that living not only like that but excusing it was very damaging.  Yes, I did have many, many caring conversations w my spouse about this issue and empathized a great deal for him on much.

Take care of you readers and know there is little you can do ( from someone who did everything under the sun for decades) to influence change. 

Thank you CVM! Your decades of struggle breaks my heart... .but your wisdom and experience help so many people here! I think God works all things for the greater good. Thanks for sharing. I am sure your children are appreciative of your effort.

[JohnLove]

I am going to join this thread by simply saying YES.

Unfortunately.

[Silveron]

I'm glad that so many have replied to my post.  I remember a couple years back she didn't acknowledge my birthday except for leaving a blank card in a blank envelope.  It was one of those cards that you buy in a pack of 10 or 20.  All it had was some generic picture on the front of the card.  She said 'Your card is on the chair'.  When I opened it, I told her it was completely blank.  Her reply 'Oh, guess I forgot to sign it'.

My bday was last Friday, took my daughter to the movies of course my wife didn't want to go.  Daughter & I had a good time.  When I got back I saw a card, kinda got excited thinking it was from her.  Opened it up and it was her co-worker who bought & gave me one.  I texted her saying 'That was very sweet from you, thank you... B (My wife) didn't get me one'.  Her reply was ':)idn't 'B' sign it?  The card was from both of us'.  Nope, she didn't.  She wouldn't go out with me or do anything special for my bday. 

Valentines is coming up and she was putting up decorations and going through old cards.  She had an old love letter I wrote, she pulled it out and our daughter asked what it was.  My wife didn't even open it (the letter was 10 years old) and said 'I should burn it'.  I'm just dumbstruck on how evil she can think and behave.  My daughter (who's 6) took it and asked me to read it to her.  I told her when she could understand bigger words that I will.  I knew if I were to read it in front of my wife that she would just go into a rage.

I just feel the bond breaking apart.  What makes me the most angry about all of this is that our daughter has to experience all of this and my wife doesn't seem to care.  I just wish there was something to make them look at the bigger picture and to realize how much hurt they are inflicting on others.

[cloudten]

Valentines is coming up and she was putting up decorations and going through old cards.  She had an old love letter I wrote, she pulled it out and our daughter asked what it was.  My wife didn't even open it (the letter was 10 years old) and said 'I should burn it'.  I'm just dumbstruck on how evil she can think and behave.  My daughter (who's 6) took it and asked me to read it to her.  I told her when she could understand bigger words that I will.  I knew if I were to read it in front of my wife that she would just go into a rage.

I just feel the bond breaking apart.  What makes me the most angry about all of this is that our daughter has to experience all of this and my wife doesn't seem to care.  I just wish there was something to make them look at the bigger picture and to realize how much hurt they are inflicting on others.

Oh my gosh I hurt for you and your daughter. Take it and keep it so that some day your daughter can have it and know how much you love/d your wife. 

One of my justifications for divorcing a non, and now leaving this BPD, is that I want my daughter to witness true, loving relationships. I want her to have a good example of how to treat people and how to be treated by other people. I wanted to give my daughter a safe haven away from messed up people who don't know how to love with their whole hearts.

Something that hurts so much is that there are plenty of good people out there that would love to give you a signed birthday card.

I can't wait to appreciate and be appreciated for the little things in my next healthy relationship. I will admit those are things i took for granted in my marriage to the non. But i will never take advantage of those little things again.

[JohnLove]

I just wish there was something to make them look at the bigger picture and to realize how much hurt they are inflicting on others.

Yes. I sincerely agree, but they are wired differently. BPD takes years to develop and then there are seemingly permanent physical and psychological changes after many more years of dysfunctional coping behaviours that it becomes so ingrained.

Although it does seem impossible, I don't want you to lose hope... .

... .well, not until all hope is lost.

[JohnLove]

Valentines is coming up and she was putting up decorations and going through old cards.  She had an old love letter I wrote, she pulled it out and our daughter asked what it was.  My wife didn't even open it (the letter was 10 years old) and said 'I should burn it'.  I'm just dumbstruck on how evil she can think and behave.  My daughter (who's 6) took it and asked me to read it to her.  I told her when she could understand bigger words that I will.

I didn't know you had to decorate for Valentines Day?. I had never heard of this before. Doesn't sound like a harmful thing but in the context of BPD I do wonder... .

If you truly want to share the love letter with your daughter when she is older, which is not a bad idea at all... .it will teach her something about love and how much love you have/had for her Mother... .which I feel is pretty important to your child, no matter what happens.

To make sure you are able to do as you intend, make a copy of the letter and store it outside the home.

Also i would advise you to validate your chilld's feelings whenever and wherever you can. I believe this can help to prevent her going on to develop BPD herself.  :'(

[RR4U]

It definitely helps seeing how many people replied to this post. my birthday is saturday which  means two holidays in one... . 

[Waddams]

I've had many events I had high hopes for get dragged down by my partner's actions.  Latest though is very recent.

My SO's birthday was last night.  I had originally wanted to do something big for her, it's her 40th.  Instead, I recently paid to repair her car.  We live together, she's trying to get a realtor career off the ground, and while I think she's doing a good job, it's slow going.  She's working at a model home as the onsite realtor in a subdivision under construction, has a bunch of contracts done, but doesn't get paid until the houses are done and the sales close.  Which will be in May or June, so for now, she's broke.  Her car broke down about a week ago, and it ended up needing an alternator replacement.  She can't work without the car, and had no money to fix it.  So I paid to fix it.  There went my party budget.

Anyway, I had stopped and bought some salmon, salad fixings, stuff mushroom fixings, and chocolate cup cakes.  Being short on cash, I left work early to go home, have the kids get the house super neat and comfy for her to come home to, and I was going to make a real nice dinner and lead a thing where we all make a big deal of her 40th for her.  Some other friends and her brother were supposed to stop by too.

Well, she gets home early.  She wants to go out.  Her brother is flaking out and looks like won't be there.  The other friends are in the process of moving to a new house and close tomorrow, and have turned their move into a cluster of epic proportions, so they won't be there.  I don't have the cash to go out.

So she ends up crying in her bed.  And she flat out admits, she's disappointed and wants to see people make a big deal about her for her 40th and feels like nobody is.  Says she knows I don't have the cash for what she wants, but nothing is still what she wants, so she's gonna sit in her bed and cry all night.  

Now, the other friends live right across the street.  I've been helping them get a lot of stuff done for their move.  In fact, if it weren't for me, there's no way they'd be ready.  And I love these people, I'm glad to help.  More to that story, but it's a tangent so I'll not tell that part.  What is pertinent is the husband of the couple feels bad about not being able to participate in SO's birthday, and as a b-day present and a thank you to me for helping him so much recently (and also mustering our legion of kids to help), he breaks out a gift card he got a while back and flips it to me.  I was over telling him we were actually staying home and to come over sometime for a drink and to hang out, and ended up explaining what was going on.  He gave me that card to take her and the family out.  So, after many thank you's, I go back home to rouse everyone up to go out.

It takes me an hour to talk SO into getting up.  She had fallen into this deep depression.  While she's getting ready, I go get her brother.  Who is drunk when I pick him up.  He ended up being a happy drunk all night though, but SO still isn't happy with him - rather than be ready for her birthday he's gotten blitzed and flaked on her.

Anyway, we finally get out, go have dinner, and it was at a really good italian place that gives free birthday dinners.  So she's happy, I get the staff to come sing to her, etc.

We get home, she opens a few presents, and it being a school night (and me - not to mention her too - having to work the next day), it's time to wind it down.  She then falls right back into the depressive state.  It's her big birthday and she wants to party but can't because you know, we're grown ups and have responsibilities.  

I'm so sick of doing the best with what I have and not having it be good enough when she knows full well the reason my resources are stretched is because I'm covering for what she's not taking care of.  

[BestVersionOfMe]

I've had many events I had high hopes for get dragged down by my partner's actions.  Latest though is very recent.

My SO's birthday was last night.  I had originally wanted to do something big for her, it's her 40th.  Instead, I recently paid to repair her car.  We live together, she's trying to get a realtor career off the ground, and while I think she's doing a good job, it's slow going.  She's working at a model home as the onsite realtor in a subdivision under construction, has a bunch of contracts done, but doesn't get paid until the houses are done and the sales close.  Which will be in May or June, so for now, she's broke.  Her car broke down about a week ago, and it ended up needing an alternator replacement.  She can't work without the car, and had no money to fix it.  So I paid to fix it.  There went my party budget.

Anyway, I had stopped and bought some salmon, salad fixings, stuff mushroom fixings, and chocolate cup cakes.  Being short on cash, I left work early to go home, have the kids get the house super neat and comfy for her to come home to, and I was going to make a real nice dinner and lead a thing where we all make a big deal of her 40th for her.  Some other friends and her brother were supposed to stop by too.

Well, she gets home early.  She wants to go out.  Her brother is flaking out and looks like won't be there.  The other friends are in the process of moving to a new house and close tomorrow, and have turned their move into a cluster of epic proportions, so they won't be there.  I don't have the cash to go out.

So she ends up crying in her bed.  And she flat out admits, she's disappointed and wants to see people make a big deal about her for her 40th and feels like nobody is.  Says she knows I don't have the cash for what she wants, but nothing is still what she wants, so she's gonna sit in her bed and cry all night.  

Now, the other friends live right across the street.  I've been helping them get a lot of stuff done for their move.  In fact, if it weren't for me, there's no way they'd be ready.  And I love these people, I'm glad to help.  More to that story, but it's a tangent so I'll not tell that part.  What is pertinent is the husband of the couple feels bad about not being able to participate in SO's birthday, and as a b-day present and a thank you to me for helping him so much recently (and also mustering our legion of kids to help), he breaks out a gift card he got a while back and flips it to me.  I was over telling him we were actually staying home and to come over sometime for a drink and to hang out, and ended up explaining what was going on.  He gave me that card to take her and the family out.  So, after many thank you's, I go back home to rouse everyone up to go out.

It takes me an hour to talk SO into getting up.  She had fallen into this deep depression.  While she's getting ready, I go get her brother.  Who is drunk when I pick him up.  He ended up being a happy drunk all night though, but SO still isn't happy with him - rather than be ready for her birthday he's gotten blitzed and flaked on her.

Anyway, we finally get out, go have dinner, and it was at a really good italian place that gives free birthday dinners.  So she's happy, I get the staff to come sing to her, etc.

We get home, she opens a few presents, and it being a school night (and me - not to mention her too - having to work the next day), it's time to wind it down.  She then falls right back into the depressive state.  It's her big birthday and she wants to party but can't because you know, we're grown ups and have responsibilities.  

I'm so sick of doing the best with what I have and not having it be good enough when she knows full well the reason my resources are stretched is because I'm covering for what she's not taking care of.  

You don't control her, you only control how you react to situations.  You built something up in your mind, mostly meant to meet her approval, and it didn't work out.  That isn't on you, so don't make it.  You did the best you could, and that is all this is about.  I want a lot of things that I don't get.  Let her feel how she wants to feel about it next time. 

[BlueSunshine]

Normalcy for us lasted four months.  The intermittent crazy started when we moved in together.  And then it shot to the moon once we married.  Not gradually but the VERY NEXT Day! 

This. Absolutely.

Almost a year together, then suddenly, married, pregnant, our own little place, all in a matter of weeks. Once things were unpacked and we settled in he changed immediately. I was utterly dumbfounded by the difference.

I made excuses, tried to help, went out of my way giving, giving, giving, nothing but neglect from him and it snowballed from there. I thought he was tired, depressed, something had to be the reason. Of course there was a reason, BPD. I just didn't know it.

Months pass and I find he was seeking out other relationships. I wasted years of my life trying to understand, help him, be sympathetic. So much time I wasted, nearly two decades. So much of myself I lost. If only I knew, if any of us knew, before.

*sigh*



But yes, special occasions... .

He picks fights, and is just downright nasty to everyone around. That below the belt and sarcastic blended humor that's a kind of sly bullying, which he always denies it and says it's a joke, when he is called out on it. Often he would go off and start affairs at those times, too. The biggest drama he ran off with someone half his age 2 years ago during Christmas. I can't even be bothered to celebrate holidays anymore.

And as far as for the kids, or for me, it was nothing good from him, no kindness, no affection, not even holiday or birthday gifts from him. The most I received was last year, for my 40th birthday. He gave me a pack of Reese's peanut butter cups and wished me a happy birthday.

I'm not a material person (and I am one of those organic bohemian artsy weirdos who doesn't eat that kind of candy, either) but to not even just make a few minutes of time for me, it was such a slap in the face, especially considering all the things I have done for him. Nothing but total inconsideration and self absorption.

Now I am content not to bother doing anything special for him and it doesn't bother me one bit.

His most common tactic is to pick fights and tear me apart the night before big events, so I don't go. I've missed so many weddings, big concerts, festivals, and shows. Over time it had a major effect on my already existing mild social anxiety. Now I don't even bother trying to go anywhere.

I cannot wait to be free from him entirely.

I don't believe in demons but he certainly makes me wonder.

[jc2]

My partner does this - I think  I concluded that she sees these occasions as opportunities for maximum attention to her needs as I am more likely to bend over backwards to keep the peace or placate her.  I know that once or twice I have just decided that actually I do not care that it is my birthday and it seems to be better.  It is pretty mean though to think that she cannot stand it for me to be thinking more about ME than HER. 

[Spruce927]

Hi all,

I only post in the BPD parent section, as the person though undiagnosed I'm dealing with is my mother.  However, I often float over here and read some of your stories.  I think on a level it helps me understand what my father went through.  Most of the times it breaks my heart. 

I would just like to say that now at 30, when I think back to every holiday or special occasion, I remember my mom completely ruining it.  As a child I remember being UTTERLY confused at how she would become completely unhinged when she was about to have a party at the house.  We had a nice home with a pool and my parents would entertain.  My mom would plan something and then totally freak out at the fact that she had to "do everything" and had "no help."  Yet then would repeat the same thing over and over again.  If you're THAT overwhelmed don't have the party.  No one made you do it, you chose this. 

My worst holiday memory is one Christmas.  My sister and I were very young and my mom got very mad at my father for something.  Of course, I don't remember, because it was likely insignificant.  In the middle of Christmas she literally freaked out marched upstairs and started taking a SHOWER.  Mean while my father sat bewhildered with her his two kids trying to laugh it off.  I remember he decided that we could continue opening gifts.  That sent her into an ALL OUT RAGE.  We were leaving on a plane later on that day and she spent the entire trip not speaking to us.  We didn't know this wasn't "normal" and our father did a good job of making it the best christmas he could but what mother behaves this way.   I also remember my dad confronting her about her behavior and her saying something along the lines of "christmas going to fast" and she wanted to slow it down by a shower.  She's truly so bizarre. 

I also recall my father giving her a gift she didn't want and her going in to a RAGE about it.  Screaming that it was too expensive, not what she wanted, and he didn't even know her.  To this day i cannot stand holidays.  I find no joy in them at all.  I literally am baffled at the people who decorate or get all excited about them.  It must be nice to have happy feelings surround these times. 

Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm not writing about a spouse, but I truly understand your pain. 

[cloudten]

Okay- so I sort of had a revelation/theory about this Holiday Issue over the weekend.

I watched a documentary video on youtube about BPD. One girl who is a diagnosed blogger was describing how she would mirror whomever she was with. At work, it was work people. With a family member, she mirrored them. She described that when she was alone, she didn't know who she was because there was no one to mirror. She said she didn't know who she was because she would simply mirror the people she was with, and no two mirrors were the same or "her". She said she would probably be confused if she were to be in a room full of all of these people she mirrors because she wouldn't know which one to mirror... .and because they each make her a different person.



So- I wonder if when there are large events, holidays, parties, gatherings, etc., if some pwBPD have a painfully anxious time trying to figure out who they themselves are and who they should mirror (if anyone).  I could see this as being a huge ball of anxiety if one doesn't know who they are. I can't imagine trying to figure out which personality of me I am supposed to be.

On one hand, having some sort of freak out that is anxiety driven makes sense- it gets them out of the situation where they don't know who they are supposed to be... .thereby easing their anxiety- even though it destroys everyone else's joy (again selfish). 

All I know, is the night i took my bf to a bar mitzvah where he didn't know anyone except for me was the most miserable night of my life... .along with every holiday ever. It's a good thing he and I do not have an actual anniversary... .because I am sure it would be awful. 

Anyway- just one thought on the subject!

[Silveron]

Spruce,

  In regards to Christmas, my daughter was only 10 months old, our first Christmas, I was SO exicted.  My little girl was full of smiles in seeing the presents.  Then, my BPD wife went into a complete rage because I bought her a small tambourine and for some odd reason that set her off.  Screaming and making fun of me to the point my little girl was crying.  I had to get her dressed and quickly take her over to my parents because my wife wouldn't calm down.

  Just insane reasons to get upset over.  My daughter is 7 now and the bad treatment by my wife hasn't stopped.  Seriously looking to get out of the marriage.  If I knew I wouldn't end up being a part-time dad (get full custody) then I would do it today.

  BPD is just pure abuse in every form of the word.

[LeonVa]

How did I miss the this thread? OH YES.

1. Since our son was born, my ex never attended any of his birthdays. NOT ONE.  

2. Valentine's day, HER OWN birthday, July 4th, our son's birthday, my birthday, new years eve.

3. Other special "occasions" like when my work requires me to suddenly attend a conference during the day, etc

4. My parents' birthdays. NEVER attended because for instance, she had to finish watching a Redbox DVD at work.

2 out of the 4 years when we were married, she smashed things right before my birthday for different reasons, valentine's day, gifts or not gifts, drama for sure.

The thing I don't understand is her own birthday, she even has issues on her own birthday.  One year, I had a reservation at a high end restaurant that I was going to surprise her with when I get home, but when I finally did get home, she already took my son out with her. When I asked her where she was and I had plans, she said it was not needed. She was just fine by herself.

So sick of the holidays and what not.  This year will mark my first year to be able to have a calm holiday for once.

ps: Another weird fact. If it's anything related to her family, I had to go.  Her mom's birthday, her dad's birthday, her brother and sister's birthdays, even her niece and nephew's catholic communion and etc,  I didn't want to sink down to her level, so I always went and remained courteous, but she just couldn't do the same back TO ME, let along anything has to do with my family.