How to view break up as a good thing

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Everyone including my mom is telling me that I'm viewing this break up as a bad thing when I should view it as being free from walking on eggshells, verbal abuse, etc.

My head is there but my heart is not. How can I get over this hurdle of missing the good times

[confusedinWI]

Everyone including my mom is telling me that I'm viewing this break up as a bad thing when I should view it as being free from walking on eggshells, verbal abuse, etc.

My head is there but my heart is not. How can I get over this hurdle of missing the good times

[fromheeltoheal]

How can I get over this hurdle of missing the good times?

By focusing on the bad ones.  And if the good was better than the bad was bad you might not have broken up, yes?  It's common to have conflicts between our heads and our hearts coming out of these relationships, many describe them as like addictions, where our heads know what is right for us but our hearts want to do what is wrong.

So it's helpful to make a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated, and the list will grow as you remember things, and focus on it as much as you need to, all day if you need to, and eventually your heart will align with your head, and you will learn and grow along the way.  So what's the first thing on the list?

[confusedinWI]

The first thing on the list is her trying to put herself before my kids and the hurt she caused m kids when she sent them a text message stating her feelings about their mother (my ex wife).

My daughter is still hurt by it three months later because deep down my daughter still loves her.

Also the way I felt at the end that nothing I did was good enough, and the walking on eggshells. I did so many little things same with my kids to show her how much we loved her, and to feel like we were that disposable she could just move on from a two yeR relationship and date someone else still hurts

[fromheeltoheal]

Those things sound painful and hurtful confused, and just typing them here probably helped shift you focus.  Good for you.  Now it's important to type them, or better yet type them, on a piece of paper, hang it on the refrigerator, above your work area, on your night stand, wherever, so you'll see it often and add to it.  It takes some work to get over these relationships, but it's good work.  Take care of you!

[Tay25]

It is very hard to overcome the painful feelings associated with BPD b/u, in time it will get better, trust me.

Something my T said to me has really helped:

A relationship with a pwBPD is like a drug, the intense high at the beginning is so great (idealization), they have you hoping it can last forever. However they choose when to give it to you, and they do so in small amounts to keep you hooked and chasing after that initial high that was so amazing. Overtime the downs of the drug (emotional abuse) outweigh the high's and both partners disconnect. Once you lose the drug, like an addict your are craving it, doing almost anything to get back to that initial high.

The important factor here is willpower, we know the few high's isn't worth all the low's. When most people realize this, they quit the drug.

To start its best to dig deep into what really happened in the relationship because usually there is very little truth behind the meaning of their words and actions. Uncover the truth and you will for certain feel better knowing she lost a great person and that she was lucky you put up with her crap for so long.

Be hopeful for the future, in time when you have healed you will be able to be in a healthy relationship and just think of how much better that will be then the one you were in with the constant abuse you dealt with.

[zundertowz]

The way I view it is that there was zero chance of living a long happy life with this person... .it would have been a miserable life were in my case the lows where far worse than the highs... .the drug analogy is a good one... .a few nights of fun is not worth being a drug addicted junkie.

[confusedinWI]

Thank you for the great words. The drug analogy is spot on. Ive beem drama free now for two months and maybe it is just getting used to normal again.

Some days I still find myself wanting to reach for the phone to text her or call her letting her know im on my way home. It hurts briefly when I realize she's not there.

It also hurts knowing she's in the honeymoon stage now with my replacement but I have the knowledge of knowing how it will turn out but not going to lie I get a twinge of jealousy at the physical affection he's getting.

But its for thr long term health. I know she wont find the love that I gave her or my kids gave her. It was her choice to abandon us especially me when I really needed her. She showed me who she was. Glad it happened sooner than later.

Just having a dsy where I miss her hugs

[FannyB]

I think we've said this before, but your default position is you gotta be happy in your own skin. The more needy you naturally are, the deeper the wound the person with BPD leaves. Celebrate life as a single person who puts his kids first for a while - there's no better feeling! 

Also, I don't miss the idealization phase with my ex as it was contingent on my buy in and belief in her authenticity. As I no longer harbour that delusion it can never be the same. I'd need hypnosis first if I want to recreate that 'honeymoon' feeling as I know it's not sustainable and that belief is unshakable!   

[zundertowz]

Thank you for the great words. The drug analogy is spot on. Ive beem drama free now for two months and maybe it is just getting used to normal again.

Some days I still find myself wanting to reach for the phone to text her or call her letting her know im on my way home. It hurts briefly when I realize she's not there.

It also hurts knowing she's in the honeymoon stage now with my replacement but I have the knowledge of knowing how it will turn out but not going to lie I get a twinge of jealousy at the physical affection he's getting.

But its for thr long term health. I know she wont find the love that I gave her or my kids gave her. It was her choice to abandon us especially me when I really needed her. She showed me who she was. Glad it happened sooner than later.

Just having a dsy where I miss her hugs

I feel jealousy at times that my ex is probably going through a honeymoon phase also, but what keeps me sane is that I know how her story is gonna end.  For healthy people they greive then move on... .not jump from one relationship to the next.  We still have a chance of finding a loving partner and a healthy long term relationship... .they have no chance of this.