Now doubting if he really has BPD-help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband are and I are still separated, tomorrow marks one month. In my first post he was very depressed, aggessive and suicidal. I had read up on almost ALL of the information surrounding why I thought he had BPD. These past few weeks I am starting to doubt my "diagnosis". These are my reasons:

1. He willingly went to see doctors after he smashes objects on our home. Docs suspected Temporal Lobe Epilepsy Rage, however his scan came back clear. After chatting with a psychologist, his diagnosis is adult ADHD.

2. He has kept in communication with me the entire time. Yes he has said some really hurtful stuff in anger that "I sent him away", however he is always keeping me in the loop about what's happening with him. I don't ask, he just opens up.

3. He says he is committed to continue seeing his T so he can learn new ways of coping.He also feels bad for his actions and has apologised on more than one occasion.

4. He is "fighting" to be back home and makes promises to help make things better for us.

5.He hates when I'm sad or hurt when messaging him, he always feels bad and says sorry.

6. He has threatened suicide because he feels like he has lost me, the comfort of his home and his work in his jeopardy, as they feel he is "not healthy" because he went for a brain scan.

7.He has shown the "push n pull" behavour-however he can't seem to carry it through for a more than an hour! He will be right back, saying sorry and apologising for "hurting" me.

8.He has come to visit me at home, but has never asked to come back, for me I'm seeing this as him respecting our time apart to heal. Not sure if I'm even thinking straight about that.

9. When he came over to visit the other day, he didn't blame me for anything, just pointed out that we can "help" each other, if we read each other well. In 4 years, I have always just viewed his escalating behaviour as immature, cunning or just down right stupid! Now I'm starting to wonder if I didn't "help" his situation get worse by not responding correctly. But I'm not beating myself up about that-we both have made peace about the fact that we didn't know any better.

10. He is has been very re-assuring that his heart is with me and that even though he blurted out remarks 3 weeks ago about possible infidelity, it was just said in anger and he has admitted he was at that point deliberatley wanting to hurt me because he couldn't understand why I had sent him away. He now seems to get why, for my safety.

With all the above, I don't want to duped, made a fool, he has shown consistency with his plan of action to get better.

So now I'm left asking myself-could I be wrong? He still gets irritable, he still sometimes says suicidal stuff, he does feel like he has "lost" everything even when I reassure him, he hasn't completely lost me.He does cut comms with me when he's upset about his day at work but then he's right back telling me he is sorry. He has also said a few times "as much as I love you, better if we don't see each other again, I think I'm disturbed."

Am I delusional that he is BPD, I have subtley asked him to mention it to his T at his next appointment. Do BPD's behave this way? Is he manipulating me? Am I being made the fool so he can "make" me want him back?(which I won't fall for if that true)

Please, some guidance will help!

[Chrisbazsky77]

My husband are and I are still separated, tomorrow marks one month. In my first post he was very depressed, aggessive and suicidal. I had read up on almost ALL of the information surrounding why I thought he had BPD. These past few weeks I am starting to doubt my "diagnosis". These are my reasons:

1. He willingly went to see doctors after he smashes objects on our home. Docs suspected Temporal Lobe Epilepsy Rage, however his scan came back clear. After chatting with a psychologist, his diagnosis is adult ADHD.

2. He has kept in communication with me the entire time. Yes he has said some really hurtful stuff in anger that "I sent him away", however he is always keeping me in the loop about what's happening with him. I don't ask, he just opens up.

3. He says he is committed to continue seeing his T so he can learn new ways of coping.He also feels bad for his actions and has apologised on more than one occasion.

4. He is "fighting" to be back home and makes promises to help make things better for us.

5.He hates when I'm sad or hurt when messaging him, he always feels bad and says sorry.

6. He has threatened suicide because he feels like he has lost me, the comfort of his home and his work in his jeopardy, as they feel he is "not healthy" because he went for a brain scan.

7.He has shown the "push n pull" behavour-however he can't seem to carry it through for a more than an hour! He will be right back, saying sorry and apologising for "hurting" me.

8.He has come to visit me at home, but has never asked to come back, for me I'm seeing this as him respecting our time apart to heal. Not sure if I'm even thinking straight about that.

9. When he came over to visit the other day, he didn't blame me for anything, just pointed out that we can "help" each other, if we read each other well. In 4 years, I have always just viewed his escalating behaviour as immature, cunning or just down right stupid! Now I'm starting to wonder if I didn't "help" his situation get worse by not responding correctly. But I'm not beating myself up about that-we both have made peace about the fact that we didn't know any better.

10. He is has been very re-assuring that his heart is with me and that even though he blurted out remarks 3 weeks ago about possible infidelity, it was just said in anger and he has admitted he was at that point deliberatley wanting to hurt me because he couldn't understand why I had sent him away. He now seems to get why, for my safety.

With all the above, I don't want to duped, made a fool, he has shown consistency with his plan of action to get better.

So now I'm left asking myself-could I be wrong? He still gets irritable, he still sometimes says suicidal stuff, he does feel like he has "lost" everything even when I reassure him, he hasn't completely lost me.He does cut comms with me when he's upset about his day at work but then he's right back telling me he is sorry. He has also said a few times "as much as I love you, better if we don't see each other again, I think I'm disturbed."

Am I delusional that he is BPD, I have subtley asked him to mention it to his T at his next appointment. Do BPD's behave this way? Is he manipulating me? Am I being made the fool so he can "make" me want him back?(which I won't fall for if that true)

Please, some guidance will help!

[OnceConfused]

It does not matter what people say, it matters what they DO.

You can come back to your H, but without concrete actions steps - things that you saw were negatively affecting your r.s, must be addressed with a plan to change. Otherwise, you will be back to ground zero again.

The key actions are what he will do to change his behaviors toward you, whatever he has done so far negatively in your marriage.  In order to help each other, not when the situations become HOT but what you both should be way before the escalation.

My theory is that in order to run 10 miles, we have to practice running 1 miles every day on OUR OWN VOLITION. In the same vein for marriage, in order not to suddenly blow up because of this or that, one has to train oneself to recognize one's emotion every day. One way to do that is to practice MINDFULNESS - meditation, walking slowly, use yogo breathing ... .

This is what I am talking about - watch what I do, not what I say.

[Chrisbazsky77]

Thanks.

Very insightful thoughtful reply. We are discussing ways to not allow escalation of differences or irritation on his part. I'm prepared to do that... .BUT... .before I do from my end... .I really would like to know what exactly I'm dealing with. ADHD or BPD, its so difficult because the symptoms are so close!

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think it matters what the diagnosis is. There are so many overlapping symptoms with soo many different diagnosis. I recently saw a graph of the symptoms of codependency and trauma laid side by side. It was amazing.

So, look at what helps YOU to cope and what helps YOU to find ways to communicate better and grow. Even if my husband doesn't have BPD, the tools on this site are invaluable and very helpful. Even people in "normal" relationships can find some great tools and ways to improve.

Stop second guessing yourself. In your post, you mentioned that maybe you responded the wrong way. With some of this stuff, I don't think there is such a thing as a "right" way to respond. Do the best that you can with the realization that it may or may not be helpful.

Also, there are different types of BPD. My husband sounds a lot like your partner. He knows how to say all of the right things. He will apologize. He has done some pretty crappy things but it is usually under the guise of trying to be nice to me. Even when my husband used to talk about suicide, he would do it under the context of trying to help me and make my life easier. That is blatantly messed up but with more minor things, it is like he is this great husband that is only trying to be nice. One time, I pointed out how some of that "nice" stuff feels like manipulation. That led to a whole new level of him beating himself up. It might help to read about waif/hermit types of BPD.