Being replaced after a breakup

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Questions for the Leaving board - if you were replaced shortly after a breakup with your BPDex:

1:  How long did it take before your BPDex found a replacement?

2:  How quickly did your BPDex "show off" the replacement relationship to friends and/or on social media after they started dating them?

3:  If you know of the qualities/personality of the replacement person, were you shocked that your BPDex was with them, given the personalities?  Give details if possible.

4:  If applicable, how long did the replacement relationship last before you were recycled back in by your ex, or at least an attempt was made?




Here are my answers.  I had seven breakups, and three replacements:

1:  Replacement #1:  A month and a half after breaking up with me, although my ex and I talked and hung out (as friends) which probably delayed things a bit.  He was a college classmate who asked her out the first week of classes.  She had known him six days when she slept with him and jumped right into a relationship.

Replacement #2:  Another college classmate who basically followed her around like a puppy dog the whole semester.  My ex told me he was interested in her but don't worry, she told him she had a boyfriend.  But strangely, they became Facebook friends and had each others phone numbers.  He got a job at her workplace that summer, and after another breakup with me, she was hanging out with him THE SAME NIGHT and romantic with him within a month.  But they had known each other about seven months.

Replacement #3:  The security guard at the same job as #2.  They had known each other six months as co-workers, she was dating him two weeks after breaking up with me.


2:  Replacement #1:  Within a week

Replacement #2:  She never did, she begged me to take her back after sleeping with him, but co-workers and social media was never made aware it happened.  I wonder if I had told her no... .

Replacement #3:  Within a week


3:  Replacements #1 and #2 were college classmates of my ex and (my opinion) easy naive targets who wanted a girlfriend.  I have a Master's Degree (I'm 33, she's 25) and make upper 5 figures.  I was surprised she would prefer college students with no income over me, but now I see what she saw in them - emotional control, both over them and over her BPD fears.

Replacement #3 is the security guard at her job (she's a marketing coordinator) who was just dumped and divorced by his wife.  Another goofy young guy who is weak and would love a girlfriend. 

All three replacements aren't established people, and I think my ex likes having someone who isn't as dominant over her (live situation wise) and can be a lapdog.  Again, my opinion.


4:  Replacement #1:  I was triangulated for pretty much the entire relationship with him.  She dumped him after 3 months and I was recycled back in.  She only did this after I was firmly back in her grasp.

Replacement #2:  Within a week of sleeping with him, she was begging me to take her back.  He must have really been a dud in more ways than one.  She made a "grand gesture" (as my therapist called it) by promising to marry me, have kids, and move away, things she had never promised before.  I took her back.

Replacement #3:  She's still with him, but after a month or so contacted me and told me she missed me and it's painful to think of me.  I think it would have been a recycle/triangulation attempt had I not told her I was dating someone.  Other than a couple of e-mails, I haven't really spoken to her since.

   

[4Years5Months]

Questions for the Leaving board - if you were replaced shortly after a breakup with your BPDex:

1:  How long did it take before your BPDex found a replacement?

2:  How quickly did your BPDex "show off" the replacement relationship to friends and/or on social media after they started dating them?

3:  If you know of the qualities/personality of the replacement person, were you shocked that your BPDex was with them, given the personalities?  Give details if possible.

4:  If applicable, how long did the replacement relationship last before you were recycled back in by your ex, or at least an attempt was made?




Here are my answers.  I had seven breakups, and three replacements:

1:  Replacement #1:  A month and a half after breaking up with me, although my ex and I talked and hung out (as friends) which probably delayed things a bit.  He was a college classmate who asked her out the first week of classes.  She had known him six days when she slept with him and jumped right into a relationship.

Replacement #2:  Another college classmate who basically followed her around like a puppy dog the whole semester.  My ex told me he was interested in her but don't worry, she told him she had a boyfriend.  But strangely, they became Facebook friends and had each others phone numbers.  He got a job at her workplace that summer, and after another breakup with me, she was hanging out with him THE SAME NIGHT and romantic with him within a month.  But they had known each other about seven months.

Replacement #3:  The security guard at the same job as #2.  They had known each other six months as co-workers, she was dating him two weeks after breaking up with me.


2:  Replacement #1:  Within a week

Replacement #2:  She never did, she begged me to take her back after sleeping with him, but co-workers and social media was never made aware it happened.  I wonder if I had told her no... .

Replacement #3:  Within a week


3:  Replacements #1 and #2 were college classmates of my ex and (my opinion) easy naive targets who wanted a girlfriend.  I have a Master's Degree (I'm 33, she's 25) and make upper 5 figures.  I was surprised she would prefer college students with no income over me, but now I see what she saw in them - emotional control, both over them and over her BPD fears.

Replacement #3 is the security guard at her job (she's a marketing coordinator) who was just dumped and divorced by his wife.  Another goofy young guy who is weak and would love a girlfriend. 

All three replacements aren't established people, and I think my ex likes having someone who isn't as dominant over her (live situation wise) and can be a lapdog.  Again, my opinion.


4:  Replacement #1:  I was triangulated for pretty much the entire relationship with him.  She dumped him after 3 months and I was recycled back in.  She only did this after I was firmly back in her grasp.

Replacement #2:  Within a week of sleeping with him, she was begging me to take her back.  He must have really been a dud in more ways than one.  She made a "grand gesture" (as my therapist called it) by promising to marry me, have kids, and move away, things she had never promised before.  I took her back.

Replacement #3:  She's still with him, but after a month or so contacted me and told me she missed me and it's painful to think of me.  I think it would have been a recycle/triangulation attempt had I not told her I was dating someone.  Other than a couple of e-mails, I haven't really spoken to her since.

   

[Aussie0zborn]

1:  How long did it take before your BPDex found a replacement?



Found him and started grooming him during the marriage.

2:  How quickly did your BPDex "show off" the replacement relationship to friends and/or on social media after they started dating them?

Started introducing him to her friends while we were married and I was at home looking after her kid.

3:  If you know of the qualities/personality of the replacement person, were you shocked that your BPDex was with them, given the personalities?  Give details if possible.

Initially shocked. He is a thug and convicted drug dealer, she is a Deputy Principal in a large school. He rejected her some 20 year ago and she hates him with a passion. She told me about this guys's rejection of her the night before I fled the marital home and she was raging as she spoke about it again. I've since worked out he is the guy so he will be in for a nice surprise.

4:  If applicable, how long did the replacement relationship last before you were recycled back in by your ex, or at least an attempt was made?

She made contact four months after separation. I hung up on her each time she called back and I had to ask the police to get her to stop.

[runningup]

Mine found the replacment before we broke up, it was someone we worked with, who she started to confide in about the way I was handling the BPD problems, and he quickly became her white knight and gave her leaving options, and I was quickly turned Black, inforced by him as he and I were not exactly friends.

it contributed to the breakup, considering she had an OUT opportunity to move straight onto, which is her mode of operation all through her life, she has never been without someone, and they have all overlapped.

The odd thing is they are not together on Facebook, and she has added a lot of guys she has previously slept with back onto her FB, and started contacting them telling them how happy she is and how horrible I am. This contact will be her demise again, added to that getting back into drinking and drugs.

My main concern is my little stepson, but I am not in a position to be able to do a single thing about it.

[once removed]

1:  How long did it take before your BPDex found a replacement? about three days, as far as i saw. in retrospect he was lined up a month or so at least before we broke up.

2:  How quickly did your BPDex "show off" the replacement relationship to friends and/or on social media after they started dating them? three days. i couldnt shake the feeling that she hadnt pulled the plug on our relationship and that it was up in the air. after three days i acknowledged her breakup and simply removed my relationship status and changed my profile picture. that night, suddenly, she was openly flirting with him on facebook.

3:  If you know of the qualities/personality of the replacement person, were you shocked that your BPDex was with them, given the personalities?  Give details if possible. i was. physically, everyone close and far agreed he was my doppelganger. at the time i had no idea what to make of it and kind of thought of it as an ego boost. with time i didnt care. from what i gathered we were not much alike personality wise. he lasted longer than i did so im not sure what difference it makes. by the time i learned about and accepted BPD i began to realize what little (if any) difference it makes.

4:  If applicable, how long did the replacement relationship last before you were recycled back in by your ex, or at least an attempt was made? there were no recycle attempts on mine or my exes part. there were two instances of ambiguous contact (sending friend request, deleting it hours later) on her part and no more. i was with her for two years and ten months, he was with her for at least four years.

[gilac]

I hope you don't mind me bringing this topic from the dead, I found it interesting and kind of an eye opener for anyone