just having a bad day

[confusedinWI]

Im having a pretty rough day right now. Wont see the kids until Tuesday and all by myself this weekend. A year ago this time my ex gf and I were getting ready to move into our joint apartment and start the next stage of our life. That dream is now gone and shes been with the new man the last few months.

Ive found myself wondering a lot about her today.  Im tryjng to stay busy but jts tough. I know I have a lot of cod traits and im not doing well just being single. Im a people person and I like to be around others. This holiday weekend is really tough right now.

The past is over and I dont want to be too stuck. I know how our relationship really was and it wasnt going to get better.  I logically know at some point she will repeat the same behaviors but right now im sure its all good times.

I feel like im falling down the rabbit hole

[portia77]

I'm having one of those days too... .how do you find the determination to keep busy and doing things? My house is a mess and the kids are with their dad for the weekend... .but I'm just sitting questioning everything and being sad. It may sound somewhat twisted but it's somewhat comforting to know that others are feeling the way I am too... .hoping your weekend has some positives!

[Mutt]

Im having a pretty rough day right now. Wont see the kids until Tuesday and all by myself this weekend.

Hi confusedinWI,

I think your kids are with a previous partner? Have I got that right?

I really struggled and felt separation anxiety because the kids were primarily staying with mom and was denied reasonable access although I took care of that with a court order. I was accustomed living with a family fir several years with someone always around. I became again bachelor overnight for a few months.

Your situation is different and I'm guessing that there were weekends you spent by yourself with your exgf?

What do you mean when you day your worried about falling down a rabbit hole?

[Olivia_D]

Confused, I have those days frequently.  There are days where I have to force myself out of bed and sometimes force myself to leave the house.  This is not typical behavior for me and I have to remind myself that this sadness / depression / confusion is a normal part of the grieving process and personal growth.  I don't mean that to just toss out trite psychobabble, I mean it with all of my heart.  

I was recently thinking about that "rabbit hole" reference and it ends up being a positive in the Alice in Wonderland movie.  Some think the movie is about drugs but there are many psychological interpretations as well.  In the movie/book, Alice falls down the rabbit hole after running away from a man that was not right for her.  When she falls down the rabbit hole, she goes on a strange but ultimately rewarding journey of self-discovery that eventually makes her come out of the rabbit hole a healthier, more authentic person who is capable of setting boundaries and stating preferences.  While the trip down the rabbit hole was incredibly confusing, scary, mind-bending, et cetera, it was a period of personal growth which allowed her to rid herself of trying to fit into other’s expectations of her.

What I do know is that I have to allow myself to grieve.  It is not pleasant and there are days where I feel like I am going to be stuck here forever.  I also know that you cannot outsmart or outrun grieving as it has a tendency to re-appear in the future.  Without knowing it at the time, I apparently tried to outrun my grieving after the end of my marriage in 2001 by keeping myself overcommitted and extremely busy.  As soon as the commitments and busyness slowed down, that ever-so-patient grief was waiting for me and I just couldn't ignore it.  I honestly think that delaying that grief 14 years ago has made my working through this recent break up more complicated.  So, if it brings you any comfort, facing that grief now--while really painful--is a healthier in the long run.

Just be easy on yourself as working through this takes a lot of courage.  

[confusedinWI]

Mutt... .yes my children are from my marriage with my ex wife. So my ex gf and I had plenty of time where we had time with each other. That's what I'm missing right now so much, the time with her. Even though at the end the time with her could be like walking on eggshells, I'm still not used to all this alone time I have. Maybe it Is my co-dependency traits but I find it hard to enjoy being out in public all by myself. I feel like if I don't have someone to enjoy it with, than I can't really enjoy it fully. I know it's strange. It was a year ago this weekend that my ex gf and I were getting ready to move into our apartment. I've moved out three months ago but it still feels sometimes like it was just yesterday that I was living with her, enjoying our moments. Now I've been so replaced. I know it's the disorder but sometimes I wonder if I did all I could, did I love her enough, was I attractive enough, all those stupid questions. I'm working on myself right now, but yet she is the one that doesn't have a cold bed, she moved on so quickly. Is she really happy with him? Was she really happy with me? I just don't get it sometimes, I wish the memories would stop.


Olivia - you made some great points about not dealing with past experiences. I was with my ex wife for eleven years, married nine years. Our divorce took six months, and my head was left spinning. I dated right after the divorce. Looking back I don't think I allowed myself the proper amount of time to grieve. I felt like my ex wife just threw me to the side, disposed of me, abandoned me. I had the same feeling with how quickly my ex gf went from us being happy, to leaving me so quickly, especially at my time of need.

I think it relates back to my childhood as well. When I was eight years old, my dad (mom and dad were divorced) moved out of state to escape his abusive second wife. I remember us parking and him telling me he had to move away. That it wasn't me at all. That he had to do this for him, and for us.

[Mutt]

I know it's the disorder but sometimes I wonder if I did all I could, did I love her enough, was I attractive enough, all those stupid questions. I'm working on myself right now, but yet she is the one that doesn't have a cold bed, she moved on so quickly. Is she really happy with him? Was she really happy with me? I just don't get it sometimes, I wish the memories would stop.

Do you think the memories could simply be a natural part of grieving a loss and they will stop?

Are you working with a T?

[confusedinWI]

I know it's the disorder but sometimes I wonder if I did all I could, did I love her enough, was I attractive enough, all those stupid questions. I'm working on myself right now, but yet she is the one that doesn't have a cold bed, she moved on so quickly. Is she really happy with him? Was she really happy with me? I just don't get it sometimes, I wish the memories would stop.

Do you think the memories could simply be a natural part of grieving a loss and they will stop?

Are you working with a T?

Mutt I'm not sure the honest answer to that. I think that yes the memories will eventually stop, however I have to also be aware and not consciously bring her up in my mind.

My biggest problem right now is the rumination and comparing I'm doing with our relationship, and what she is having now. I don't know what she is doing as I don't follow her activities, just my active mind. Maybe it's the upcoming anniversary of when we moved in together, maybe it's all the changes I've been through right now and trying to adjust to being single, I'm not sure.

I listen to a lot of men self improvement podcasts, one in particular was talking about how to get over a break up. One of the questions the author posed is ":)oes this person make me a better person? Are they helping us grow together?

I know the answers to both would be no. I know that the woman I grieve is a fantasy of the nice person, but I have to accept that all the bad memories come with the good memories.

I'm also a little fearful of dating again in the future. Having a normal relationship and not feeling excited about it because the love bombing, the intensity of it will be gone compared to the BPD relationship. I could go from feeling like the most special person in the world in her eyes to just feeling like who is this person sharing the bed with me?

Maybe I was hooked on the highs, and my co-dependency caretaking ways enjoyed the lows? Enjoyed taking care of her when she was drinking, because that's what I experienced with my father? Maybe having her talk to me about her daily drama and issues sparked my caretaking ways. Not realizing that it should never have been my responsibility to fix her? Just like I shouldn't have put my happiness in her hands.

As a father I hate to admit it but I know when we were having problems I put her happiness above everything else. Maybe it's because I knew in the back of my mind that the kids weren't going anywhere, but it still doesn't make it right.

Do I miss her or do I miss the companionship? I think a little bit of both. There were things about her that were different from other woman I dated. I know I miss the affectionate bonding moments with her, but did she ever really enjoy it from me?

Was I just filling a void in her life, or was I special?