He slept with someone else

[misuniadziubek]

I realise I'm having trouble recognising what I feel, let alone telling my partner what's going on.

We originally agreed on an open relationship because he expressed fear that ten years down the road, he would have regrets about not taking advantage of his youth and experimenting with people. I genuinely wanted him to have the chance to try out new things that he found exciting. I didn't consider it cheating if it was just physical interactions. Kind of like a one night stand, and then you move on.

I was also okay with it, because I had my own fantasies that I wanted to play out. I had this idea of compartmentalisation. You do something and then you move on. No strings attached. So I tried to do that. I found someone who would be willing to meet up with me and enact those fantasies.

Except that once I got to the point of making plans, I retreated. The idea of doing it excited me. Actually doing it? I genuinely didn't want to. It made me realise that I was just not really being honest with my partner, afraid of telling him my fantasies, and so what I actually preferred was to act out those fantasies with him instead.

The rules were at the time, we do it with people we are not friends with (ie. my friend from highschool was offlimits) as the opportunity arises, but we don't maintain a friendship or real contact after. Kind of like, this is a one time thing. The idea of a regular partner is not in line with what I feel because I don't want an emotional connection to occur. We don't add the to facebook, and we don't treat them as a booty call or FWB. It's to add spice, and not to fix issues with our relationship.

Yep. That's the part that hurts. Very deeply. That's the part that I can't handle.

Because now, what he's saying is, we can have a regular play partner. We don't get emotionally involved, but we're allowed to maintain regular contact, hang out with them, text them.

I'm okay with him having female friends if he wants. I trust him not to develop an emotional connection. I'm not okay with him having female friends that he is sleeping with.

He told me that now he was okay with me sleeping with my high school friend, because he thought I had feelings for him. But he trusts me now.

He's also said now that he's gonna stop asking me who is texting me. I always expressed that there is a double standard that he asks me all the time who is texting me, whereas I never ask, and gets mad and suspicious if I don't answer right away.

I'm not afraid of being replaced, but I have intense jealousy going on right now. We agreed a long time ago that we don't snoop on each other. I broke that promise without him knowing and actually snooped, because I was overcome with fear. And then my fears were founded.

What gets me is that this wasn't my version of the open relationship in my head. I expressed to him that I've stopped myself from doing things with people in the past before because I felt it was crossing a line. He now tells me that it's okay. I can cross that line. He trusts me. Every scenario I told him about, he now tells me it's okay for me to do that. (Because he wants ME to be okay with what he's doing)

What it boils down to is that my deep-seated feeling is that he's now projecting his own guilt. He suddenly trusts me more than ever, I'm allowed to do more than ever because he's experienced something, and he feels guilt over it. And everything is -okay- because he wants it to be okay.

He's treating me better, being more understanding, validating, everything I've ever wanted him to be.

And all it feels like is that he wants to right some wrong. He wants me to be okay with things that I'm not okay with.

In fact, he's pushing me to find myself a play partner. He wants me to do it. He tells me that he wants me to enjoy myself.

And maybe I could. Maybe it would make things better for me, if I did on my own. But I'm still so pissed off. Because he changed the rules in the middle of everything to suit his own needs. That's how he hurt me. And I can't be in an open relationship where he's changing rules and making things okay that we had previously said, aren't.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Mis, there are ways to learn about yourself. I think we are well aware of some of our values, but some we just don't know until we experience them. We are always learning. Some things make sense, or sound correct in theory, but with experience, we may find it doesn't suit us. To use a more neutral example, consider someone who always wanted a career in science, but in college decides he/she likes history and art better, and doesn't like science. That person can now make a change according to experience.

Not committing adultery, or the idea being faithful to one partner ( married or not) is an age old idea. Some people believe that rule came from a higher power. I accept that, but others may not. That is their choice to make. I also look at some of these rules from an anthropological standpoint, and if some of these rules: don't cheat, don't lie, don't steal, are found within many cultures over a long period of time, I conclude that they are there for a reason- that breaking them could lead to something hurtful- so people decided they were good rules to follow.

An open relationship requires a couple making their own rules. The no cheating one is a pretty black and white one (albeit there is some debate about what constitutes cheating in the emotional arena, but there is little argument that it means hands off someone else). When you make rules in the grey area of relationships and emotions, then you are dealing with something that may be OK with one person, and not with another.

Your posts indicates that you made some rules initially. They sounded good to you, but even as you tried to explore your own options, you felt uncomfortable doing so. This is your own emotions talking to you. They are saying " wait a minute, this doesn't feel right". This is the part of you that you need to listen to. Your BF has also changed the rules. He tried them, and - well, he seems to like them, and he wants to change the rules for him. You have both learned something from this. You don't seem as comfortable with the level of openness he wants, your boyfriend at the moment does.

Your dilemma is that if you agree with him, you are not going to honor your feelings. If he agrees with you, he might not feel this is what he wants to do. However, you can act according to your feelings and values- but he can also choose what he wants to do.

Parts of your posts are about what your BF wants and the rules he wants to play by, but you can have your feelings and ideas if you want to too. He may choose not to follow them, and then you will need to choose what to do. You have indicated that you are not happy with these rules. This puts you in a dilemma. Ideally, we would not find ourselves in one like this, but with relationships, this can happen.

[vortex of confusion]

I realise I'm having trouble recognising what I feel, let alone telling my partner what's going on.

  That is a tough spot to be in because it leads to a lot of uncertainty. I have been in that spot and it is rough since you are trying to navigate a relationship with somebody else. Is he putting any pressure on you to make a decision? When my husband and I were trying to navigate the open territory, it seemed like he wanted black and white answers. Things would change so fast that I felt I stayed confused and never really got get a grip on what I was feeling let alone figure out my values.

We originally agreed on an open relationship because he expressed fear that ten years down the road, he would have regrets about not taking advantage of his youth and experimenting with people.

What are YOUR goals? What do you want your life to be like ten years down the road? Do you want to be in a completely monogamous marriage? Do you want to have kids? What is it that YOU want? Who brought up the idea of an open relationship? Him or you? How old are the two of you?

I genuinely wanted him to have the chance to try out new things that he found exciting. I didn't consider it cheating if it was just physical interactions. Kind of like a one night stand, and then you move on.

Have the two of you discussed the new things that he finds exciting? There are a whole lot of things that two people can try together. For me, one of the things that I had hoped was that I could try out new and exciting things with my husband. For some reason, he wasn't comfortable doing new and exciting things with me. What is it about a one night stand that is so appealing? If you don't know anything about a person, how do you know if he/she will be open to those new things? Or, is it the excitement of being with a different person? Just some things to think about to help you clarify your own values and ideas.

Except that once I got to the point of making plans, I retreated. The idea of doing it excited me. Actually doing it? I genuinely didn't want to. It made me realise that I was just not really being honest with my partner, afraid of telling him my fantasies, and so what I actually preferred was to act out those fantasies with him instead.

I had the same experience with the whole thing. The idea of it was more exciting than actually doing it. I can't have a one night stand. I need that connection. I wanted to act out certain things with my husband but he wasn't open to it at all.

Because now, what he's saying is, we can have a regular play partner. We don't get emotionally involved, but we're allowed to maintain regular contact, hang out with them, text them.

Have you tried to question him further about this? I am speaking from my own experience where I realized that I couldn't have a one night stand. The only way that I can have sex with somebody is to have some kind of regular contact. Even if there isn't the romantic element, I need to know the person on a personal level. I didn't think that initially but over time that was something that I realized about myself. I did a lot of research about primary and secondary partners and how all of that can play out in an open relationship. I was afraid of getting too involved with my friend and neglecting my husband and family. What I found was that having a friend that met some of the needs that my husband didn't/couldn't meet actually made me a better partner to my husband. I don't want you to interpret me saying all of this as me sticking up for your partner. I am trying to share MY experiences so that maybe it will give you some questions/perspectives to use to have a conversation with him about this stuff.

When my husband and I were in the middle of all of that stuff, there was no way that I could have verbalized what I shared above. It has taken me quite a while to figure it out enough to be able to verbalize it in a way that made any kind of sense.

I'm okay with him having female friends if he wants. I trust him not to develop an emotional connection. I'm not okay with him having female friends that he is sleeping with.

That is perfectly okay. If he can't honor that, then you have some decisions to make. Like Notwendy said, be true to yourself. If the relationship is important to both of you, then perhaps you can have some ongoing discussions to find a middle ground that both of you can live with in the long run. If you can't find that middle ground, then it might be a good idea to consider ending the relationship. One of the great things about dating is that it does give you time to figure out what you want and decide if you think it is right for you. How long do you want to be with your BF?

What gets me is that this wasn't my version of the open relationship in my head. I expressed to him that I've stopped myself from doing things with people in the past before because I felt it was crossing a line. He now tells me that it's okay. I can cross that line. He trusts me. Every scenario I told him about, he now tells me it's okay for me to do that. (Because he wants ME to be okay with what he's doing)

Things never quite work out as nicely as we picture them in our heads. I had the same problem. My husband seemed to want to change the rules according to whatever it was that he was doing or wanted to do. That will never work because you don't have any kind of set framework to work within. There are too many guessing games. Plus, it isn't fair to the other people. That was something that I couldn't really get my husband to understand. I wanted to have ONE friend. He seemed to want a lot of different friends. I couldn't have ONE friend if he was telling me one day that everything was great and the next day he was telling me that we could no longer do things. I have no idea what he was telling the women that he was talking to at any given time. He told some of them that we were doing this because our relationship sucked. Sure, our relationship sucked. I was doing what I was doing because I had needs that he couldn't/wouldn't meet.

He's treating me better, being more understanding, validating, everything I've ever wanted him to be.

And all it feels like is that he wants to right some wrong. He wants me to be okay with things that I'm not okay with.

Don't ignore that! There for a while, my husband was okay with me doing whatever I wanted as long as I told him about it and gave him ALL of the details. As long as I did that, I could do whatever I wanted. I am NOT comfortable giving anybody that level of detail about some things.

In fact, he's pushing me to find myself a play partner. He wants me to do it. He tells me that he wants me to enjoy myself.

How do you feel about that? I know that when my husband phrased things like that and tried to make it sound like he was being all nice and sweet, I felt friggin' horrible. It felt dirty to me. I couldn't seem to get my husband to understand that I wanted HIM to be my play partner. I wanted to enjoy myself with HIM. Heck, when I first started talking to different guys, I would ask them for ideas to get my husband more interested in ME. And I wondered why nobody was interested.

Because he changed the rules in the middle of everything to suit his own needs. That's how he hurt me. And I can't be in an open relationship where he's changing rules and making things okay that we had previously said, aren't.  

I know that hurt all too well. Until the two of you can come to some kind of agreement or compromise, it might be a good idea to shut it all down. Tell him that you can't be in an open relationship with him until you work out some of this stuff. I have told my husband, "I don't know if I will be open to the open idea later on down the road or not. I am not going to consider it unless or until we both get our acts together and can agree on certain things." There are too many other issues in our relationship to complicate things with bringing other people into the mix (whether it is a one night stand or something else).

[formflier]

 

Mis,

I'm late to this thread... .      to you.

You are working through some big emotions... .let them flow.  Keep the questions coming... .I see you emerging from this stronger and more focused.

FF