No idea how to stay

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I started dating someone about a month ago and it became obvious about 3 weeks in that something was not right. I'm convinced he is BPD. I am a codependent trying to recover.

Anyhow my so is far from his family and doesnt really know anyone in this city. i dont want to abandon him but on the other hand i dont want to be drowned by his issues when i have so many of my own.

I tried setting boundaries and it has gotten a little better. I have a really hard time controlling my reactions when being pushed because he will go on and on and on about how im treating him horribly and why am i doing it blabla.

I know its not me and i feel no guilt... .i just get annoyed that hes so far in denial.

so far what has worked the best is ignoring him whenever he starts going off and then eventually asking if hed like to start over and go in a different direction. how important is it that i clarify the behaviors that i find inappropriate? i dont want to be too strict and right now I feel like there's alot of things he does that drive me nuts but I know I need to start small.

What are some good starting boundaries? Im absolutely exhausted at this point and i feel like its pointless to stay when its all about him. But hes really good to me, very affectionate and loving,  and great with my kids.

Any tips for minimizing rages wIthout always having to minimize myself which is what i feel im doing now.

[Healingmyself]

I started dating someone about a month ago and it became obvious about 3 weeks in that something was not right. I'm convinced he is BPD. I am a codependent trying to recover.

Anyhow my so is far from his family and doesnt really know anyone in this city. i dont want to abandon him but on the other hand i dont want to be drowned by his issues when i have so many of my own.

I tried setting boundaries and it has gotten a little better. I have a really hard time controlling my reactions when being pushed because he will go on and on and on about how im treating him horribly and why am i doing it blabla.

I know its not me and i feel no guilt... .i just get annoyed that hes so far in denial.

so far what has worked the best is ignoring him whenever he starts going off and then eventually asking if hed like to start over and go in a different direction. how important is it that i clarify the behaviors that i find inappropriate? i dont want to be too strict and right now I feel like there's alot of things he does that drive me nuts but I know I need to start small.

What are some good starting boundaries? Im absolutely exhausted at this point and i feel like its pointless to stay when its all about him. But hes really good to me, very affectionate and loving,  and great with my kids.

Any tips for minimizing rages wIthout always having to minimize myself which is what i feel im doing now.

[Aussie0zborn]

There are too many red flags here for my liking. Why is it that after one month, you're responsible for him? You didn't ask him to move so far away from his family so how are you responsible for his family not being close by? Surely this is a decision he made himself?

We've all been in your position. You have the advantage of having identified a problem so early on in the relationship and you can get out easier now before investing yourself in it too much. 

Please see all the resources here, particularly the ones about setting boundaries. I wish you good luck.

[Healingmyself]

I'm not responsible for him in any way. When I figured it out, I wanted nothing to do with the situation. And thats probably the best way... .I just know that his mom is the only one who cares or even knows hes BPD and she's in another country.

For me the people in my life who have really helped me understand that I'm worthwhile were complete strangers. Maybe a better question is how can I be supportive from a safe distance?

[vortex of confusion]

If you want to be supportive from a safe distance, give him a list of resources that are in your area. Then, cut ties and run like hell. Let him find somebody else!

[Henry II]

You've known him for a month and you are worried  ?

You don't need this. Love or not. He is trying to CONTROL you. This is how it starts. He doesn't even know he is doing it.

You can't be commited after only a month.  See other people, get out and socialize, don't cut yourself off. Tell your friends and get their ideas. Luck, Henry.

[Loosestrife]

I'm afraid I agree. If I could turn back time to 1 month in, I would walk away. If you really want to stay, then I would check out the staying board. Take care

[Surg_Bear]

He's great with your kids... .

Now.

When he has you trapped in his web, he will no longer be great with your kids, and will be much worse with you.  He will be no longer great with any one.

I love my wife of 25 years.  If I knew 1 month into our passionate love affair, where I would be 25 years later, I would have dropped her so fast, I would have been 3 states across the country before her head stopped spinning.

Given you have a history of Co-Dependency, you are his perfect match, and for the same reasons, he is yours.  You guys could live the rest of your disordered lives together in perfectly matched dysfunction.  Always longing for normalcy, both of you will take it out on each other.  Pathologically blaming each other, and suffering conflict after conflict as a perfect demonstration of broken love and permanent and soul-sucking, and unconscious enmeshed re-enactments of your individual past traumas.

You are brave enough to admit to yourself you have co-dependency issues.  There is not a person on this planet so perfectly skilled at exploiting those issues for their own agenda, as a person who suffers borderline personality disorder.

You have taken the first step- admitting co-dependency.

The next step toward psychological health and emotional maturity, is aborting your natural tendency to repeat this behavior over and over in your own life.

Stop YOUR madness, and leave this guy.

Your children will be better off without him, and so will you.

You have the opportunity to achieve greatness- to actualize your truest self- by shedding once and for all, your need to be pathologically attached to a disordered individual.

Be the hero you know you are.

And come back here often, when you feel the need to falter.  Your friends here will never let you down.  They may be brutally honest, but never let you down.

Good luck.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Healingmyself]

Given you have a history of Co-Dependency, you are his perfect match, and for the same reasons, he is yours.  You guys could live the rest of your disordered lives together in perfectly matched dysfunction.  Always longing for normalcy, both of you will take it out on each other.  Pathologically blaming each other, and suffering conflict after conflict as a perfect demonstration of broken love and permanent and soul-sucking, and unconscious enmeshed re-enactments of your individual past traumas.

100000% dead on. Everything you wrote was what I know. Im ready to be healthy. The little nagging voice inside asking me "but what if" is slowly but surely getting weaker.

Thank you.

[Loosestrife]

This has also helped me surg bear, thsnks 

[Washisheart]

Run! Far and fast! Please do yourself that favor, and your kids. This is such a hard situation to deal with. It took me almost 4 years to realize (after 2 years of bs) what was wrong with mine

[Thread]

Codependents and Borderlines go hand in hand... .

Leave. 1 month... .I agree with all of the above, if I could turn back time and have known his behaviors were BPD and knew what BPD was

I would have cut my ties and left.

You have kids too, luckily I do not. You're not only compromising your self worth but how will they be effected by the pwBPD?  And what if your kids start treating you the way they see him treat you.  The more commitment the stronger the difficult behaviors become. Please think long and hard and do your best to separate yourself. I deal with my H BPD knocking my self esteem down almost daily... .and I am prone to anxiety disorder and it is not something I would ever hope for a person!

Leave.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, I think you would get a more supportive/helpful response on the staying board. We are all well intentioned, but this is your decision and it is likely that you will have to try to make it work before you know what to do. I wish all the best 

[bradbillet]

if it personally doesnt feel right and cant live with it. id recommend moving on

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