Actually my third jurisdiction post.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, my first jurisdiction post was to get some thoughts on if we could get jurisdiction changed given that we live three states away and the kids reside with us 95% of the time (even though custody is still 50/50). My second post was anxiety because we are moving down the street from where we currently live and could she use that to haul us back into court to get summer parenting time. So, what now?

The kid's BPD mom has moved out of the jurisdiction and state that the order is in. She actually moved right over the border into the next state, but it's still out of the state. She moved in with her boyfriend where he's been living. So now nobody lives in the state with jurisdiction over the case. Of course, she's already moved and apparently only notified the court of her intent to move at the beginning of this month, when technically she's supposed to give 60 days notice.  But the bigger deal is that she actually gave the court her real new out-of-state address.

Either she knows something we don't know, or we can just go ahead and move jurisdiction to our state now without much of a problem?

Would it help to bring a big action for contempt with the change of jurisdiction? Basically saying to the magistrate, "you can either find her in contempt for all of these things she's clearly done in violation of the order OR you can just kick us all out of here because it's not your problem anymore". Thoughts?

I'm waiting to talk to our L before I get too excited.

[Nope]

So, my first jurisdiction post was to get some thoughts on if we could get jurisdiction changed given that we live three states away and the kids reside with us 95% of the time (even though custody is still 50/50). My second post was anxiety because we are moving down the street from where we currently live and could she use that to haul us back into court to get summer parenting time. So, what now?

The kid's BPD mom has moved out of the jurisdiction and state that the order is in. She actually moved right over the border into the next state, but it's still out of the state. She moved in with her boyfriend where he's been living. So now nobody lives in the state with jurisdiction over the case. Of course, she's already moved and apparently only notified the court of her intent to move at the beginning of this month, when technically she's supposed to give 60 days notice.  But the bigger deal is that she actually gave the court her real new out-of-state address.

Either she knows something we don't know, or we can just go ahead and move jurisdiction to our state now without much of a problem?

Would it help to bring a big action for contempt with the change of jurisdiction? Basically saying to the magistrate, "you can either find her in contempt for all of these things she's clearly done in violation of the order OR you can just kick us all out of here because it's not your problem anymore". Thoughts?

I'm waiting to talk to our L before I get too excited.

[ForeverDad]

Wow, what a Gift!  This changes things, with her not just out of the county but out of the state.  Since her relationship may not last very long, I would move fast to file before she moves back.

Court will not view her late move notification as a big issue.  Out of the jurisdiction is your hall pass... .I hope.

It probably would be good to list additional items of noncompliance so that if she 'cures' her residency by moving back the court won't be inclined to say the one issue at hand - local residency - is resolved and therefore nothing to do.

[Nope]

Wow, what a Gift!  This changes things, with her not just out of the county but out of the state.  Since her relationship may not last very long, I would move fast to file before she moves back.

Court will not view her late move notification as a big issue.  Out of the jurisdiction is your hall pass... .I hope.

It probably would be good to list additional items of noncompliance so that if she 'cures' her residency by moving back the court won't be inclined to say the one issue at hand - local residency - is resolved and therefore nothing to do.

Yes, I'd like to make it as convenient as possible for the magistrate to wash her hands of the whole thing, since she seems to fully understand that the kid's mom will not comply, but seems to hate holding her responsible.

[livednlearned]

I'm wondering if she is decompensating, or whatever it's called. My T described my ex as decompensating when he sort of ran out of defense mechanisms as the court orders piled up and he kept losing. It was like he knew how thin his hold was and sort of lost touch with things. Since he is such an intelligent man, I figured it had to be something psychological that was breaking down -- maybe something similar is happening to biomom? If so, then it's not likely that she is capable of much premeditated thinking, more like she is just hanging in there and not thinking more than the immediate task.

[Nope]

I'm wondering if she is decompensating, or whatever it's called. My T described my ex as decompensating when he sort of ran out of defense mechanisms as the court orders piled up and he kept losing. It was like he knew how thin his hold was and sort of lost touch with things. Since he is such an intelligent man, I figured it had to be something psychological that was breaking down -- maybe something similar is happening to biomom? If so, then it's not likely that she is capable of much premeditated thinking, more like she is just hanging in there and not thinking more than the immediate task.

You are probably right. It's just incredibly hard to imagine thinking that way since we spend so much time planning and troubleshooting. We already threw her major dysregulation bait by getting officially married earlier this month and not telling her ahead of time that it was going to happen. (Kids told her over the phone the day after.) So I imagine she's probably feeling a lot of stuff she can't possibly process and is just running full tilt in the most likely direction. In the paperwork she referred to her boyfriend of seven months as her "fiance". I've seen no evidence that she is actually engaged.

Found out tonight that she told SS10 that if he wants to see her this summer that he'll need to figure it out with his dad and then let her know because she wants nothing to do with his dad. We told SS10 that summer visits are something the parents need to work out and that either his mom will email his dad like she is supposed to or she won't. But that it isn't his responsibility to be in the middle of all of that. So it's starting to look like it's her plan to just simply not deal with anything.

[livednlearned]

So it's starting to look like it's her plan to just simply not deal with anything.

This happened in my case. If N/BPDx did the court-ordered things the judge asked him to do, he could get visitation reinstated.

I hope your SS10 is able to cope with the feelings that come up (or don't). S13 experienced a bad depression after his dad disappeared out of the picture. I think he interpreted his dad's disappearance as a sign that S13 wasn't worthy, although I doubt he would ever articulate it that way. I'm beginning to recognize that N/BPDx's absence is definitely the lesser of two evils (parental alienation vs. absence), but absence still takes a toll on the kids, and so by extension, it takes a toll on us, the stable parents. I've worked through guilt, trying to make sense of what my role in this is, whether I could've done something better/different. Intellectually, I know that this is N/BPDx's deal, but emotionally I see my kid hurting and those feelings linger all of the house, even when we're having a good conversation. I see him pulling away from people  :'( and it's so extremely painful to watch.

All this to say that if bio mom doesn't show up, the kids are going to work through it one way or another. As much as we know that it's bio mom's choices and her mental illness creating this, the kids will feel the loss as though they are somehow responsible.

[Nope]

All this to say that if bio mom doesn't show up, the kids are going to work through it one way or another. As much as we know that it's bio mom's choices and her mental illness creating this, the kids will feel the loss as though they are somehow responsible.

Thanks for helping me make sense of this. I get the sense from the accusatory language she used with SS10 about "keeping things from her" that she is starting to feel as though the kids have turned on her anyway and that is justification enough to focus on other things. It's a convenient excuse for her to do the easier thing anyway. (I'm sure she'll scream PA later. Just hopefully she'll have to scream it in a court local to us.)

I know they'll feel the loss, but I'm not sure about feeling responsible. Probably SS10 will as he's grown up being told everything is his fault. SD12 has grown up never being held responsible for anything. But I can't help thinking about how S12 said to me a couple of weeks ago, after I said we hadn't heard from her mom about summer time, "Well I'm sure she wants to see us this summer! ... ." The end there is just the slightest hint of as question. The proof that her false self might firmly believe her mother wants to see her this summer, but her hidden true self wasn't so sure what to think because that self doesn't so easily dismiss her mother's unpredictability.

[Nope]

On-topic, I spoke to our in-state L. She is pretty confidant that we can get this moved now. Granted, she's always been assuring on this matter. She said that even if the BPD mom does move back in to jurisdiction she looks unstable and the court will take multiple moves in a short time period into account.

[bravhart1]

I would think you could get this case moved to your area just on the basis of the fact that the kids have lived in the area full time for how long now?

Also I'm not sure you would have to take her to court for anything other than change of jurisdiction. Why bring her stuff into it?

[Nope]

I would think you could get this case moved to your area just on the basis of the fact that the kids have lived in the area full time for how long now?

Also I'm not sure you would have to take her to court for anything other than change of jurisdiction. Why bring her stuff into it?

It always depends on if the state we are trying to move the file to will accept jurisdiction and the state we are trying to move the file out of will give up jurisdiction. The BPD mom has a right to fight the change. She could tell the court that economically she can't afford to be dragged down to our state for court. On paper, we are clearly the ones with the resources so making us travel to the current state with jurisdiction is a lot easier than asking her to do the traveling. I know it seems like that shouldn't be particularly relevant and that the process should be pretty cut and set, but I can't imagine anything that involves the signatures of not one but two courts being simple.

As far as bringing up all of her bad acts it doesn't make sense to do so. If we look like we are trying to make our own lives easier the court might help us. If we look like we are trying to hold the BPD mom accountable then we'll lose. We've already learned that lesson.