Hello, a bit about myself & my lose/lose situation with my uBPDw

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, I'm quite new to the site ie for 7 months I've been reading about other people's stories & situations as well as reading books etc to try to educate myself & arm myself for what I suppose I have always known (but hoped otherwise) would lie ahead. I have wanted to get involved & tell my story for a long time, but just getting through the days & trying to understand what's happening has increasingly become all I have been able to do.

Btw thank you to all of you on the site who contribute your experience & advice and your stories. For those of us like me who have, until now been a 'silent' member eagerly & desperately trying to answer the unanswerable, this site has literally been a life saver & one of the very few things I have in life that has helped me to keep my own sanity. Thank you!

Ok here goes, my story…

For these past months, as I said I have read other's situations & initially some seemed way more extreme & advanced than mine, and I remember thinking my circumstances aren't that bad. BUT…slowly but surely… & here I am becoming more & more desperate & not knowing what to do for the best.

My uBPD wife (even that's a long story, she has recently consulted her doctor for the first time I believe about some 'reactive depression' she was having, ie panic attacks & even more emotionally unstable & reactive behaviours, including talking loosely about suicide on a number of occasions for the first time {to my knowledge there is no self-harming}, has been on drugs & 'tried' CBT {1 session} but has now distanced herself from any hint at mental illness) is now wanting me to move out & that we 'move forward' to sell the house & 'put the children first' and separate then divorce.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that she has some extremely destructive patterns of behaviour associated with the emotional dis-regulation, ie totally inappropriate & sudden aggression & rage (then 1/2 hr later acting like nothing's happened); inconsistent & illogical actions opinions & judgements; completely misinterpreting everything & then relaying 'altered or twisted truths' to everyone, so no-one knows the 'actual' truth; some paranoid delusions ie that we're all plotting against her or deliberately sabotaging her car etc etc; there is MUCH MUCH more, all of which has caused the gradual breakdown of our relationship.

My problem is that she, like many 'high functioning' uBPDs seems to be able to convince everyone including her own family (though I think her family actually know but just don't want to admit this, there is also a strong history of mental illness in the family); her own doctor according to what she says (who is in the same practice as my doctor who I have been going to see for long discussions about this for 7 months and has been fantastically supportive & understanding); seemingly most of our friends, that she is absolutely fine. She seems somehow to be able to 'present' a normal, reasonably rational self to others who don't understand why I'm claiming that's there's something wrong, & consequently look to me as the perpetrator of these stories and the cause of the problem. It's been said 'no-one understands why I'm doing this'.

In my opinion there seems to be a layering of issues & reactions relating to splitting or black & white thinking, ie that she does/says something strange & I 'mention' it to her, then she 'feels' that I'm judging her & it's not 'good' so it must be bad & so she feels bad & the layering continues. 

I'm in a position where to date I've tried every avenue I can think of to try to 'help' her & have approached her family, some friends, doctors, the mental health care system, and all the doors are seemingly closed. I'm told that 'unless she seeks help herself, no-one can force her to seek treatment' and more crucially to even acknowledge any kind of problem.

The main predicament I'm in just now is that living under the same roof I & the children are enduring so many emotional roller coasters & the accompanying destructive behaviours (even a simple domestic fact finding question from me turns into a 5 minute ranting rage from uBPDw changing from subject to subject), yet I know from reading others posts here & from experience that I am being used as the emotional regulator & she lets off steam at me, and so what would happen to my young daughters of 5 & 7, if I wasn't there to 'vent' at?

As is painfully familiar to me now, I find myself in a lose/lose situation, and it seems unless I am willing to go to the courts and spend everything we have taken years to build up, ie money tied up in the house which equates to our daughters' futures, I have no real choice but to leave my beautiful girls at her mercy?

I know there is no 'answer' or a clear road forward, and that everyone's circumstances are different, but I know that lots of you guys will have been in the same corner & hoped that with the benefit of hindsight whether you might be able to throw a life-line or some hope my way? Should I keep trying with her family & 'present my case' more strongly, even though it's falling on deaf ears, do I go now to social services & formally register my concerns, it seems I don't have much to loose at this stage.

Thanks to you all again for the support that this site gives to people like me who feel like you're completely on your own fighting an un-winnable battle.

[RollingWithIt]

Hello, I'm quite new to the site ie for 7 months I've been reading about other people's stories & situations as well as reading books etc to try to educate myself & arm myself for what I suppose I have always known (but hoped otherwise) would lie ahead. I have wanted to get involved & tell my story for a long time, but just getting through the days & trying to understand what's happening has increasingly become all I have been able to do.

Btw thank you to all of you on the site who contribute your experience & advice and your stories. For those of us like me who have, until now been a 'silent' member eagerly & desperately trying to answer the unanswerable, this site has literally been a life saver & one of the very few things I have in life that has helped me to keep my own sanity. Thank you!

Ok here goes, my story…

For these past months, as I said I have read other's situations & initially some seemed way more extreme & advanced than mine, and I remember thinking my circumstances aren't that bad. BUT…slowly but surely… & here I am becoming more & more desperate & not knowing what to do for the best.

My uBPD wife (even that's a long story, she has recently consulted her doctor for the first time I believe about some 'reactive depression' she was having, ie panic attacks & even more emotionally unstable & reactive behaviours, including talking loosely about suicide on a number of occasions for the first time {to my knowledge there is no self-harming}, has been on drugs & 'tried' CBT {1 session} but has now distanced herself from any hint at mental illness) is now wanting me to move out & that we 'move forward' to sell the house & 'put the children first' and separate then divorce.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that she has some extremely destructive patterns of behaviour associated with the emotional dis-regulation, ie totally inappropriate & sudden aggression & rage (then 1/2 hr later acting like nothing's happened); inconsistent & illogical actions opinions & judgements; completely misinterpreting everything & then relaying 'altered or twisted truths' to everyone, so no-one knows the 'actual' truth; some paranoid delusions ie that we're all plotting against her or deliberately sabotaging her car etc etc; there is MUCH MUCH more, all of which has caused the gradual breakdown of our relationship.

My problem is that she, like many 'high functioning' uBPDs seems to be able to convince everyone including her own family (though I think her family actually know but just don't want to admit this, there is also a strong history of mental illness in the family); her own doctor according to what she says (who is in the same practice as my doctor who I have been going to see for long discussions about this for 7 months and has been fantastically supportive & understanding); seemingly most of our friends, that she is absolutely fine. She seems somehow to be able to 'present' a normal, reasonably rational self to others who don't understand why I'm claiming that's there's something wrong, & consequently look to me as the perpetrator of these stories and the cause of the problem. It's been said 'no-one understands why I'm doing this'.

In my opinion there seems to be a layering of issues & reactions relating to splitting or black & white thinking, ie that she does/says something strange & I 'mention' it to her, then she 'feels' that I'm judging her & it's not 'good' so it must be bad & so she feels bad & the layering continues. 

I'm in a position where to date I've tried every avenue I can think of to try to 'help' her & have approached her family, some friends, doctors, the mental health care system, and all the doors are seemingly closed. I'm told that 'unless she seeks help herself, no-one can force her to seek treatment' and more crucially to even acknowledge any kind of problem.

The main predicament I'm in just now is that living under the same roof I & the children are enduring so many emotional roller coasters & the accompanying destructive behaviours (even a simple domestic fact finding question from me turns into a 5 minute ranting rage from uBPDw changing from subject to subject), yet I know from reading others posts here & from experience that I am being used as the emotional regulator & she lets off steam at me, and so what would happen to my young daughters of 5 & 7, if I wasn't there to 'vent' at?

As is painfully familiar to me now, I find myself in a lose/lose situation, and it seems unless I am willing to go to the courts and spend everything we have taken years to build up, ie money tied up in the house which equates to our daughters' futures, I have no real choice but to leave my beautiful girls at her mercy?

I know there is no 'answer' or a clear road forward, and that everyone's circumstances are different, but I know that lots of you guys will have been in the same corner & hoped that with the benefit of hindsight whether you might be able to throw a life-line or some hope my way? Should I keep trying with her family & 'present my case' more strongly, even though it's falling on deaf ears, do I go now to social services & formally register my concerns, it seems I don't have much to loose at this stage.

Thanks to you all again for the support that this site gives to people like me who feel like you're completely on your own fighting an un-winnable battle.

[catnap]

. . . is now wanting me to move out & that we 'move forward' to sell the house & 'put the children first' and separate then divorce.

You definitely need to start secretly looking for a very good attorney who is knowledgeable about high-conflict divorce.  If she is wanting you to move out, chances are she is getting legal advice and the last thing you want to do is be trying to play catch up in a divorce situation with a disordered person. 

Yes, it may take a lot of your money in legal fees to make sure that your girls are not left the majority of the time with a Mom that is likely to target them for her problems.  You can make more money, but it is almost impossible to undo the damage she can do to the children.

How is she as a mother to the girls?  Who does the majority of the child rearing?  Does she work? 

Have you been collecting evidence of her behavior? 

Book: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy is an excellent resource.

[RollingWithIt]

Hi catnap,

Thanks so much for your reply & getting a lawyer is definitely something I've had on the list, especially as I know she's now seen one (I'm still not really sure whether she genuinely believes there's nothing wrong or that she is aware & protecting herself by going to a lawyer). I know how this sounds as I've read this so much about other people, but I keep hoping that it won't come to this & her family or somebody will eventually see what's happening & see that our girls are the ones who are ultimately losing…must definitely see a lawyer though.

The strangest thing & one reason why I've debated with myself about what to do & delayed seeing a lawyer is that she is on one level a good parent, and primary carer partly as she doesn't really work & I do but also she is controlling & manipulative with the girls to the extent of pushing me out & poisoning them against me…I am a 'mean' dad (in front of them) because I try to discourage & say no to bad behaviour (from children) & uBPDw gives in to their every whim & tantrum, yes still at 7yo!

I have, as advised by many on here & Doc etc kept a record & even recordings as there's just a bewildering amount of material! Including her talking of driving the car off the road which she has categorically denied even though I eventually told her that I had recorded her saying it! Btw her family have intimated legal action against me for claiming this, they have their heads so far under the sand!

Many thanks for the reading recommendation, so far I have only read 'how to stop treading on egg shells' as well as lots of online & YouTube.

Thanks again, RollingWithIt

[RollingWithIt]

…uBPDw giving in to kids every whim is 'good', Dad attempting to encourage some boundaries & limits  with kids behaviour & their 'learned & uBPDw encouraged response' is to run to Mum crying & screaming, often when all I have said is 'no'……classic splitting? No?

[ForeverDad]

I'm in a position where to date I've tried every avenue I can think of to try to 'help' her & have approached her family, some friends, doctors, the mental health care system, and all the doors are seemingly closed. I'm told that 'unless she seeks help herself, no-one can force her to seek treatment' and more crucially to even acknowledge any kind of problem.

That is the quandary I faced.  I've been separated since 2005, divorces since 2008.  Each time the order was modified it was baby-stepped in my favor.  To my knowledge my ex has never sought meaningful therapy.  It is what it is.  I had to deal with "what is", my wishes and hopes didn't mean anything, not when I continued to be opposed, obstructed and sabotaged.  So you do too.  That means you need to focus on what is best for you, your parenting and your children.

The strangest thing & one reason why I've debated with myself about what to do & delayed seeing a lawyer is that she is on one level a good parent, and primary carer partly as she doesn't really work & I do but also she is controlling & manipulative with the girls to the extent of pushing me out & poisoning them against me…I am a 'mean' dad (in front of them) because I try to discourage & say no to bad behaviour (from children) & uBPDw gives in to their every whim & tantrum, yes still at 7yo!

You've lurked and read many posts.  Imagine another member posted the above.  Would you really think she was a 'good' parent?  Probably not.  But yes she can "fly under the radar" with much of her behaviors.  Court generally is a sleepy giant, reluctant to take action only when something is extreme such as child abuse, child endangerment or child neglect.

Many courts are not good at identifying the poor emotion-based extremes of erratic parenting.  Ranting and raging alone aren't seen as trigger for action.  However, an experienced and perceptive Custody Evaluator should consider those aspects and factor those into the recommendation to the court.  What that means is that unless you have a very, very good court then you'll need a Custody Evaluator.  And not just any, select from among the best.  Depending on your CE, it can make or break your case.

I have, as advised by many on here & Doc etc kept a record & even recordings as there's just a bewildering amount of material! Including her talking of driving the car off the road which she has categorically denied even though I eventually told her that I had recorded her saying it! Btw her family have intimated legal action against me for claiming this, they have their heads so far under the sand!

Denial is a major part of the disorder.  In fact, one of the major hurdles in therapy is to overcome the intense sense of Denial and Blame Shifting.

I don't know of anything her family can do outside of family court, it is very hard to prove slander or libel since it largely hinges on intent and not effect.  For the most part view it as a form of intimidation, "blood being thicker than water"... .as in, "my family member, right or wrong".  Well, now you know that they're siding with family, believing the distorted versions and not the facts.

Key point here:  If you're trying to maintain or improve a relationship, then sharing information is a good thing.  If the relationship is imploding, then sharing information is self-sabotaging.  "Loose lips sink ships."  Any evidence or strategies you have need to be kept confidential until the right time.  You tried sharing and saw that it was not appreciated, it was perceived negatively as attacks and so of course they chose to retaliate back.  They're not listening.  Maybe some day they will, but not now, so accept that.  Lesson learned.  Share information and your strategies with your legal team, trusted supporters and resourceful peer support here.

[RollingWithIt]

Thanks Forever Dad,

The time you & others spend selflessly helping and supporting others like me is heartwarming, it really does feel like a 'family', I'm sure that's been said before but really!

If you don't mind me asking, did you find your ex change in any way after the split, towards you or the children? I assume as you mentioned improvements to the court order that it did worsen? That's my greatest concern as I mentioned in my OP even if she only has them for part of the time.

I assume your child/children are now grown up or at least of an age where they can comprehend the situation on many of the levels we adults see? Have they adjusted to the circumstances in the way you'd hoped?

One reason why I'm a little reluctant to grab the bull by the horns, as I think you've noticed, is that the escalation of recent events has been lightening fast. Despite all the problems, until recently we seemed to be able to function to a point, & although the marriage was not a happy one, the children came first & that was ok for me. Also we were married for 8yrs (together now 17yrs) and almost without incident before having children, which was when the real problems started. Though with the benefit of hindsight I can see now there were regular BPD signs breaking the surface.  My theory is that my uBPDw's equilibrium and coping mechanisms were only rocked by the challenges & pressures of children & family life.

Re my uBPDw's parenting, I realise how my OP reads, and yes I'm not denying that there are extremely serious problems, but it's perhaps one of her many paradoxes, that I still struggle to get my head around, that she does seem to make an enormous effort to be a good Mum, from school projects & homework, to multiple classes after school, to fundraising at the school etc. it's as though there's a dual personality thing going on? It's seems she is able to channel any 'good' energy toward the children whilst reserving all the dark stuff to me.

I, probably like many nonBPDs also self-doubt that my non validating behaviour especially earlier on during aggressive, contradicting & confusing behaviour, when I hadn't looked at PDs, has contributed to the PD worsening. I wonder whether like most other BPDs, if there is some comorbidity with who knows what other illness (bipolar, schizophrenia), especially as the family history is strong (her aunt, to my knowledge is prescribed strong anti-psychotic drugs for life).

I do totally take on board all you say about preparing for the court & duly note your sound advice about Custody Evaluators, thank you. Btw I love your sleepy giant metaphor, I do feel like jack climbing the beanstalk sometimes, trying to steel away with any fragments of 'normal life' I can get!

[RollingWithIt]

not sure why but the end of my post got clipped somehow, anyway the rest…

Btw her family's legal threat was fairly quickly back-pedalled & I think was just a tactical threat in the vein (

[RollingWithIt]

…and again it seems…

Btw her family's legal threat was fairly quickly back-pedalled & I think was just a tactical threat in the vein (

[RollingWithIt]

…and again…I think it's the emoticons which I've now removed…

Btw her family's legal threat was fairly quickly back-pedalled & I think was just a tactical threat in the vein (ha) of 'blood thicker than water' as you suggest.

Your caution about sharing information I completely agree with, in fact no sooner had I mentioned my recordings to her (only in utter desperation & frustration) I knew I'd messed up. Lesson very painfully learnt!

Though I have to say my uBPDs ability to identify, attack & manipulate my fears, weaknesses, frustrations & hot spots, is something to behold. I am in the BPD university of life every day!

I have to apologise, I realise I am 'offloading' a lot here, as I think we nons all sadly know there can be a whirlwind going on inside our heads living with this, & there are few (if not no) people who understand it (other than over simplistically) unless you've been there. Thank you again for listening/reading!

[livednlearned]

Hi RollingWithIt,

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. The cross-roads between staying and divorcing are awful, there's no two ways about it. This would be true if both parents were mentally healthy. With a BPD parent involved, the stress and dread is often off the charts.

A few comments/questions:

Are you in the US? It sounds like maybe not.

Definitely read Splitting by Bill Eddy. You can read more on his website: www.highconflictinstitute.com.

Not all people with BPD are "high-conflict personalities," although all high-conflict personalities have BPD. They become high-conflict if they are persuasive blamers, recruit negative advocates, and have a target of blame. Your wife sounds like she could be a high-conflict personality because she leverages her family and doctor to side with her. And you mention she is persuasive. Knowing this -- even though it feels bad -- also helps clarify a strategy, which includes retiring any tendencies you might have to be passive or self-sabotaging. This doesn't mean that you become aggressive, although many of us arrived here as very passive people who mistakenly believe that being assertive is being mean, or aggressive. Job #1 for you is to get your head firmly around the concept of what it means to be assertive. Here's an article that might help with that: Read High-conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders

You can read here about A Theory of the Pattern of Blame. This will hopefully help you understand why we recommend being very assertive and pro-active, and not share information with your wife. She may be getting ready to sink your ship big time, and you need to proactively protect yourself. You may want to keep track of receipts (to show your correct whereabouts), or consider doing a deposition (to undermine her credibility), or have a custody evaluation done (where both parents undergo an MMPI-2 objective psych evaluation). High-conflict people equate feelings with facts, so our job as the "healthy" parent is to bring in as much of the facts as possible, and seize all opportunities to demonstrate why our ex spouses are not credible.

About your girls being left on their own during visitation, and how this may impact them. First, find out how custody works where you live. If you are not in the US, find out if it is typical to have a custody order or not. Second, keep in mind that your presence in the home does not help them, and may in fact make it worse. There is no question that they will suffer because most BPD parents engage in parental alienation. However, if you have a safe stable second home, they at least get a break from the storm, which they do not have right now.

Read everything you can about how to validate kids. This is the antidote to the invalidation that your wife introduces to their development. They need to experience what it's like to be authentic. In a BPD home, the BPD parent has higher than average needs for validation, and demands this from everyone, including the kids, which reverses the normal parent-child roles. You are the only adult likely to provide the validation they need, and this is hard to do if you're living under the same roof. Your wife will sabotage it, and the kids will suffer even more damage when they feel validated, only to see it used against them as a weapon.

All is not lost when these relationships end. A lot of variables are in play, so it's hard to predict in which way your situation will be hard. You cannot bail water when the ship is sinking, though. You have to get out of the boat and get yourself to safety so you can provide somewhere safe for your kids to get out of the water! Sorry for all the bad metaphors 

Most of us here agonized over the decision to divorce. I've been out 4.5 years now and wish I had done it when my child was younger. Don't expect divorce to solve everything though. You have to really understand your psychology (strengths and weaknesses) and provide important new corrective emotional safeguards as counterpoints for your kids. They need you to guide them to healthy, emotionally resilient adult lives.

[RollingWithIt]

Thanks livednlearned,

Thanks so much for your kind response & the time you've taken, it's so appreciated.

I apologise for the delay, I know it's been a week since your post. All I can say is it's been 'one of those weeks!' So much has happened or been threatened & has now almost come full circle. You'd think I'd be used to this by now … I've also spent a lot of time gathering & collating evidence.

Yes you are right (& v perceptive), I am not in the US, in fact in the UK. I think, like others from the UK who have joined with this site, I have found the sheer amount of perspectives, insight & experience I have read here, more compelling than anything else I've seen. The BPD material is obviously transatlantic, It's only the legal side of it that's not so much.

Thanks for the book suggestion (& also catnap), as well as the articles, I have read them and a good chunk of Splitting already & I'm finding them invaluable.

I think you're absolutely right, my uBPDw is most definitely a persuasive blamer, has recruited several negative advocates, and yes I am the Target of blame. She also engages in all the known associated behaviours including emotional reasoning, splitting, projection, etc etc including all those mentioned in the Peruasive Blaming article you linked to. She does seem to be text book. The issue, is that she is so 'persuasive' and competent even to her own doctor, family & friends ie the 'invisible BPD' …I often question myself, as many other nonBPDs do, I realise.

The overwhelming & underpinning hurdle I am faced with at the moment is a practical one. As I mentioned in a PP, my wife doesn't really work, only a few hours here & there, largely due to the nature of her profession's incompatibility with raising children, and consequently doesn't have an 'income' other than a supplementary one, currently. She has, I think been under the mistaken belief that she would be able to sell our home, 'have' the children & be able to manage financially between contributions from me & some state help. This has been the thrust of her defensive activity for the last month or more and naturally this dominates our lives. Her final realisation that this would not be possible purely on a financial & logistical level, is the most significant game-changer for many weeks.

So the lose/lose nature of my situation becomes yet more profound. (I know, classic BPD cognitive distortion!) 

In reality, my BPDw wouldn't be able to cope financially, or I believe emotionally & so this begs the question which I have been asked & continue to ask myself: How would I cope if I could get full custody of the children?

This is where it gets interesting, and incidentally where I think you could probably justify a whole message board topic dedicated to this stay/leave question where there are children involved! In other words, do I spend my time reading/thinking about Splitting or Eggshells?

If I won custody, practically, being the primary earner I'd have to either continue working & arrange some kind of childcare, most likely professional, as all our family are a distance away, also they are well into retirement & possibly not able to meaningfully help; or what? give up work, change career, neither of which is really an option.

The question is this : are the children better off with parents together, albeit in a potentially unhealthy and harmful environment; or the alternative which, assuming I could win custody at great financial & emotional expense, would present many 'new' and challenging hurdles, to endure alone.

I have to admit I find myself low on resources, ie we have no family living locally to offer support & refuge, or the realistic finances currently to run 2 homes, without reducing quality of life significantly for all especially the children, what options do I realistically have?

To bring it back to your ship metaphor, which I love incidentally, for my circumstances I wonder if this metaphor is more appropriate? : In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with no other ship or land in sight, bailing water, or clinging on to wreckage could well be your only hope of survival. Sorry, I know, it's worse than bad!   mmm…perhaps 'treading water' is even better as in you can't keep it up long term?

As you kindly suggest I will read up on validating kids so I'm more able to 'dilute' any harmful stuff coming their way & take some pre-emptive steps with a lawyer and try to be more assertive in my general approach for now.

Thank you again for all your positive suggestions & support, and to all on bpdfamily.

RollingWithIt

[livednlearned]

Hi Rolling,

I remember those weeks -- everything on fire at once. It's not easy. You've probably been the capable stable parent for so long it's hard to imagine how anyone can function without you. I'm not sure if this is any comfort, but I thought there was a chance my ex would commit suicide. In fact, he seems to be doing quite well. Bought himself a new car, got a girlfriend, and apparently traveling quite a bit. I very much underestimated his ability to get along without me.  

I know that's different in quality from what you're describing, since childcare and income are in play here. But still. Sometimes we cannot appreciate how our spouses actually can function when we aren't there patching things together all the time. Fixing people can really undermine them. Take away the fixing, and they are likely to show some fortitude. Not to our level of functioning, but fortitude nonetheless.

I have two comments. One is to read this thread where other members discuss whether to stay or go. It's a hard decision, these posts may resonate: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61666.msg583555#msg583555

Second comment is to really figure out how things work where you live. This means talking to a lawyer, or two or three, and having them outline strategies for you. It's important to know what your goals are. No one likes doing this work of outlining the goals, especially now when your emotions are in the red zone. Until you talk to a lawyer, you are putting a lot of effort into future scenarios that may or may not be likely, sometimes not even possible. People here have a tendency to negotiate with themselves, especially at the beginning when you're so used to being the fixer, you forget that you don't have all the information to do the fixing right now, not until a lawyer really explains how things work. We recommend talking to more than one because every lawyer has limitations. For example, a lawyer who hates trying cases before a judge is probably going to encourage mediation. A lawyer who has had a lot of success trying cases may encourage you to go balls to the wall in court. Collaborative lawyers will push collaborative law (a thing here in the US). There is some interpretative dance to the whole legal side of custody, so you have to weigh strategies and figure out who seems to have a clue about high-conflict divorces.

By goals, I mean focusing on what you think is best for the kids. I'm not as familiar with UK law, but another member here mentioned that custody orders are not the norm. Hard for me to imagine! However, as an example, in my case my goal was to get full custody. I started off with primary physical custody and joint legal custody. My ex was the type to throw a monkey wrench into even the smallest most benign decision regarding S13. Joint legal had to go. So my L and I put together a strategy, and then tacked a bit when new behaviors came to light, and acted swiftly when we saw an opportunity to capitalize on something N/BPDx, pushing me closer toward my goal. You can be fairly certain that the behaviors that are present in the marriage will be present during the divorce.

Since your wife is high-conflict, you are going to be most focused on straight-up boundaries, is my guess. This can be very trying for appeaser types who get strength from fixing. You have to shift your whole self paradigm to learn how to gain strength from boundaries. Again, not easy.

So I recommend that you talk to lawyers and get some concrete information about how things work (unless I'm missing it and you have already done this). Until then, it's really not a complete picture to choose between Splitting v Eggshells at this point. I discovered all kinds of possibilities upon talking to my lawyer, as well as loopholes and dead ends.