breaking off after 17 years with a borderline gf... HELP

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm so depressed after spending 17 years with my borderline gf.  I'm trying to break it off after her last episode of freaking out and leaving me at my mother's funeral.  It's been nearly 3 weeks of my going nc.  She starting texting hurtful messages like I'm garbage and then started texting sweet photos and hearts.  I can't take it anymore... .  I need help bad... .I'm so depressed.

[xtrmlyhurt]

I'm so depressed after spending 17 years with my borderline gf.  I'm trying to break it off after her last episode of freaking out and leaving me at my mother's funeral.  It's been nearly 3 weeks of my going nc.  She starting texting hurtful messages like I'm garbage and then started texting sweet photos and hearts.  I can't take it anymore... .  I need help bad... .I'm so depressed.

[vortex of confusion]

   

Did I read that right? She freaked out and left you at your mother's funeral? I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

Have you gone through any of the lessons yet? There is a lot of good stuff there that might help you evaluate things. I see that you posted this on the undecided forum. Are you wanting to get back with her or are you still in that "I am utterly friggin' confused" state where you don't know which way is up or down?

Have you tried to set boundaries and block her texts and/or calls until you can get enough distance to think straight? Trying to deal with her and grieve the loss of your mom sounds really rough.

[Surg_Bear]

First:  I am sorry for your loss.  Losing your mother is really high up on stressful life events for ANY human being.  It does not matter how close you felt at the time of her death, or how close you felt during your adolescence when growing up meant separating from Mom, or whether she was a horribly, cruel vindictive b___ of a mother- unless you are a non-functioning BPD yourself, there was a time in your life where your mother was your entire universe.  The loss of that person- your universe mommy - causes normal and healthy grief.

Step outside of your relationship with your girlfriend, take off the goggles that deluded us into thinking this BP disordered significant other was our perfect match, and look at what she did to you:

SHE LEFT YOU DURING YOUR MOTHER'S FUNERAL.

I cannot say this, and somehow put a positive spin on this.  There is not a single way to look at this behavior toward you, and have a single ounce of compassion.

We, the people who stay with abusive, self centered, manipulative, and rageful BPD partners, do so because no matter how vile their behavior might be, from time to time, there are 2 "truths" that keep us in the relationship:

1.  There is at least one positive aspect of that person that we love, and that we can count on, to remain there and focus our love beam on, even during the most profoundly disturbed BPD rage.

2.  We continue to weather some pretty awful storms because no single storm has crossed the proverbial "line."  We stay because we have yet to hold a dear image of our loved one in the center of our mind's eye, and think, "what kind of monster would do something like this to me?"  That's the line.

I'm sorry dude, but, she CROSSED THE LINE.  There is NO REDEEMING VALUE in a person who is so self-centered, as to make their partner's mother's funeral about them.  Leaving you during one of the most painful experiences in a normal human being's life demonstrates her true colors.

She would do the same if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness.  If a doctor told you that you have incurable cancer, she would LEAVE YOU.

She is NOT WORTHY of you- your attention, your grace and courtesy in putting up with her $h!t, walking on eggshells trying to avoid her land mines, your selfless love- none of that.

I am so sorry for this.  Your posting this life event on this forum suggests to me that you were the only one who ever made a truly selfless sacrifice for your relationship- likely you did this hundreds of times per week, to sustain a relationship with a person who is so BROKEN, that she could never repay you for it.

This ranks up there in the hall of shame, as top ten despicable BPD behaviors of all time.

I'm so sorry- I would take you out to dinner, or something, if you had told me this in person and in private.

You can, and will get over her.  Be very careful and steadfast in your separation from your demon.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[LeonVa]

First of all, my condolences, I'm very sorry for your loss, hope you pick up back soon.

I agree with @Surg_Bear, this is one of those 100% sure, crossed the red line behavior, absolutely no excuses!

Did we have good times with our exBPDs? Sure we did. Were they nice a lot of times? Sure they were. However, think about the things that they did to you! No regular, sane people, with an ounce of common sense would do.

I think a lot of times, we are hoping to only give up when we see a a completely insane, all the time insane type of people, but that's not realistic.  We have to really believe that we are dealing with BPDs here, a very real personality disorder.  They are normal a minute ago, but abnormal the very next minute.

We can't rescue them this time around, even professionals have difficulties with them and it will take them years of therapies with self awareness to fix it.

We need to move on, or else we will die from stroke, heart attack or other stress related illness. To me, it's a life or death situation we have to rescue ourselves from, we have to do it!

[felix22]

Dear Xtrmly,

I too am sorry to hear about your loss. Keep posting on here. If you can find a therapist/counselor that would be helpful.

     This woman that you have spent so many years with is beyond selfish. I am reminded of a time in the last couple of years. My mother was diagnosed with a physical defect that required surgery. It was a big deal. I was telling my xBPDf about it. They interrupted me to say "This isn't all about you." and then proceeded to talk about a letter they had received from their ex-partner.

     It is the most confusing thing in the world. We have such big hearts. We can't believe that their love doesn't equal ours. We are like dogs that keep loving their abusive owners. We get hit and we come back, hoping to be petted.

     What we've got to do, is raise our fists in protest! Fight back peacefully, like protesters. Draw upon the strength of our heroes. Do no violence, but picture that fist up in the air, pumping... .saying "We're not going to take it!"

[spottydog]

So sorry to hear about your mum and all that you have been through. This is the time to realise that life is too short to carry on being treated like that. You deserve so much better. Block her number. Make a clean break. Make a list of all the terrible things she has done to you over the years. Believe me it will be a very long list. Look at it when you miss her. You are only missing the closeness, intimacy and companionship , not her as a person. I am in the same boat after an 18 year marriage. I wish I could go NC but I can't because of our 2 children and all the other ties . I have come to realise it is just the end of an era, and the only way is up from here. Start thinking about yourself and do things you want to do. It will be difficult  at first  because it is different,  but you will get used to it. I liken it to having had a massive tumour  removed... .I had got used to it being there and it seems strange now it's gone, but better,  and it will continue to get better with time... .don't even think about going back, you are just delaying the inevitable.

[xtrmlyhurt]

Oh my goodness. I just signed back onto the forum and read the most heartfelt, warm, compassionate responses to my post. First off, thank you so very much for your condolences. The loss of my mother was one of the most difficult times of my life. I am at the very beginning stages of a difficult journey in ridding myself of this horrible beast that I fell in love with. I will post again as time permits. In the meantime I wish all of you the best and can't thank you enough for your heartfelt replies.

[felix22]

I liken it to having had a massive tumour  removed... .I had got used to it being there and it seems strange now it's gone, but better,  and it will continue to get better with time... .

Great analogy!

[LonelyChild]

I'm so depressed after spending 17 years with my borderline gf.  I'm trying to break it off after her last episode of freaking out and leaving me at my mother's funeral.  It's been nearly 3 weeks of my going nc.  She starting texting hurtful messages like I'm garbage and then started texting sweet photos and hearts.  I can't take it anymore... .  I need help bad... .I'm so depressed.

Please try to go NC. Block her out of your life. Entirely. You will crash into anxiety and feel like you're dying, but according to posts on this board, it gets better. For me, it's not gotten better yet.

[xtrmlyhurt]

LonelyChild, you are right it still hurts like hell.  She put a big bobbed hook in me and it's so hard to pull it out.  It has been said many times that the relationship with a borderline is like a drug.  I'm definitely addicted and it's very hard going through the withdrawal process.  Especially at this time of mourning the loss of my mother, a normal partner would be there for me comforting me instead of putting me through this hell.  I could have predicted her behavior on the day I laid my mom to rest.  She always waits for my lowest point to create a scene and pull the plug on the relationship. That's how evil a person with BPD can be.  The tough question is why in the world would I be missing her and craving the good times (that's the addiction).  I want to recreate the highs and have it all be normal.  I know you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh.t, but I have to keep remembering that.  I can't take it anymore.  She was the love of my life, or so I thought.  This is HARD!