Gift Giving

[meantcorn34]

I'm trying something new and would like feedback and your experiences of what works.

My BPDs22 rarely ever gives anything to me. I used to feel really bad and think I must've been a bad mother for my child to treat me like that. However, he always expects, even demands gifts from me for birthday and Christmas. I always obliged, feeling like a good parent should do so.

His birthday is coming up in August. ( I got nothing, not even a card, for Christmas, birthday or Mother's Day. ) He has already started on the I want this and that. I now realize that his poor behavior is no reflection on me and have had enough of being taken advantage of. I decided to tell him that he is an adult now and different rules apply. I will do for him as much as he does for me. This year no gift for my birthday means no gift for his.

Has anyone tried something like this? Feedback?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jdtm]

I decided to tell him that he is an adult now and different rules apply.

I like your above approach.  However, the relationship of parent/child is not an equal one, so I believe that the second part of your statement

I will do for him as much as he does for me.

is, perhaps, a bit too strong.  In our situation, my husband and I have been giving a small gift card tucked inside a greeting card to our adult children (who sometimes forget holidays, occasions, etc.)  So far, it seems to be working.

Just a suggestion ... .

[lbjnltx]

Hi meantcorn,

I can see why you would be hurt by your son ignoring the special days when you want to be recognized with love and don't receive it. I would be hurt too.  Your son isn't empathizing with you and trying to teach him by returning the same behaviors might seem like a way to do this... .it isn't.  He won't get the lesson you are trying to teach.

When I would become confused about how to teach it was helpful to me to revisit my goals.

#1. Build a better relationship with my child

#2. Help my child heal and learn to love herself

#3. Model the behaviors I wanted to see in her

Each of my goals reinforces all the other goals otherwise I'm defeating myself.

What are your goals?  Will your decisions move you toward your goals or away from your goals?

Through all of my choices it was highly important that I was authentic and true to myself lest resentment built.  :)o you authentically want to give a gift to your son?  If so, can you give it with no expectations?  True gifts have no strings attached.  

lbj

[meantcorn34]

My purpose in thinking of going with " you gotta give to get " is to teach him that he can't continue to crap on people and expect good things in return. He does it to everyone he knows, not just me. It causes him problems in his relationships. I have talked with him to try to get him to understand from the other person's perspective, but empathy is tough for him. I thought maybe if I put it in a way that gift giving would directly, materially benefit him, it might work.

I will take him out to dinner for his birthday regardless.

[lbjnltx]

My purpose in thinking of going with " you gotta give to get " is to teach him that he can't continue to crap on people and expect good things in return. He does it to everyone he knows, not just me. It causes him problems in his relationships. I have talked with him to try to get him to understand from the other person's perspective, but empathy is tough for him. I thought maybe if I put it in a way that gift giving would directly, materially benefit him, it might work.

I will take him out to dinner for his birthday regardless.

Dinner together sounds like a nice gift for both of you... .time together.

My daughter struggled with seeing how her behaviors affected others (me being the hardest one to empathize with) and I found that using a third party example gave her the ability to see herself in the story.  She got it.  I would usually use someone she cared about a great deal so that her emotions were involved. When we were both in agreement I would point to the similarities in the situations.  She had a hard time arguing with herself.

[Dibdob59]

Hi lbj

I have been following this conversation with interest as I have also experienced issues with gift giving expectations.

Can you explain further what you mean by using a third party example to allow a BPD to see themselves. Perhaps an example of a situation when you have done this?

Many thanks

Dibdob

[lbjnltx]

My daughter was very close to the little girl who lived near us, she is 5 yrs younger than my daughter.  I'll call her "M".

On the way to therapy, an hour away, on a very very hot summer day my daughter and I passed a young man walking along a country highway.  He had no water and the nearest next town was good 15 or so miles.  My daughter wanted me to stop and pick him up because it was very dangerous for him to continue on in the heat.  I told her she was right, it was dangerous and we could not pick him up because it was dangerous for us. I called the local sheriff's dept. and informed them about the young man and asked them to do a wellness check.  As we continued on to our therapy appointment I tried to explain over and over that we had to protect ourselves first and I would not endanger her or myself. 

While at therapy we discussed this and she still was upset at me for not helping... .she refused to accept that calling the authorities to help was helping.  On the way home she kept looking to see this young man walking.  We did not see him and she, being an extreme thinker decided that he had been arrested and it was all my fault.  I responded by saying maybe the sheriff gave him a ride, maybe they called someone to come get him or maybe he had a warrant for his arrest.  We don't now, we did our part.  She wouldn't accept this. 

I turned it around and put all the responsibility on her to make a choice.  I asked her what if "M" was in the car and you were driving?  Would you stop and pick him up?  Dead silence.

I didn't force an answer to the question and did tell her that I needed her to care as much about herself as she cared about "M" and that no matter how much "M" begged, blamed, and name called she had to be the mature one and make the best choice for "M".  Then I asked her if "M" was 16, driving alone and she passed this young man and called you to ask you if she should stop and pick him up what would you say?  This time she said "I would tell her not to".  So I said to her ok... .so are we on the same page now?  She could not argue with her own reasoning so that was the end of the discussion.

I used "M" and even "M's" mom (who my daughter also adored) many times as I tried to get my daughter to gain a different perspective in situations.  It usually worked quite well.

Hope that helps

[Dibdob59]

It does help - thank you

Dibdob

[Kate4queen]

I think you give him a birthday card and take him out to dinner.

Don't explain or justify or apologize for this new approach. Don't make it into a do or die struggle. Just offer what you are prepared to offer with no expectation of receiving thanks and every expectation of being taken to task for it.

I don't think attempting to teach him a lesson or make him more empathic will work. It never has with my BPD son to be honest because he comes with a side of extreme narcism. I think this should be about you and what you are prepared to put up with and you setting a new boundary. If that makes sense.

[meantcorn34]

I think I'll do that kate4queen.

He will see a point from the other person's perspective briefly, but when it comes to choosing between spending all of his money on himself or setting aside a couple of bucks for a card and spending the remainder on himself , he chooses 100% on himself. Once he gets money in hand, all thoughts of others, discussions about feelings are out the window.