Almost detached completely, how to make the final stretch?

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I'm almost 5 months out now after a 4,5 year relationship and I feel like the worst is behind me. The first few months were TERRIBLE, I was a mess, depressed at home, on anti-depressives, not social, really feeling like going insane.

A month or 1,5 ago I picked myself up and slowly started to work on all sorts of aspects of my life. Driving a car again, going to work again, working out 4 to 5 times a week at the gym, meeting friends and making new friends, going out, dating (which didn't work out - too soon) and also enjoying being alone.

I feel like I've come a long way. I'm working full-time again now and enjoy the increased social circle I'm in now. I also get a lot of compliments and attention from the other sex, which doesn't hurt. I had a small setback last week however, which I reported here. My ex started to contact me again through text, and while she never spelled out literally that she wanted a recycle, it was strange and probably at a time where the relationship with the replacement wasn't working out that well. Since the end of last week however, she has gone NC on me again, thank god, and she seems to express her love for the replacement once more on Facebook.

This is all good, although I feel like I am ready for the next phase of detaching but I can't seem to get there. While I don't think about her as much as in the first few months, she still occupies space in my mind for multiple times a day. I still catch myself often thinking 'if only I could have done this together with her', or idealising the good times we had and remembering them fondly, instead of focussing on the bad times.

So my question in all of this, I guess, is how to get rid of those last lingering thoughts about her? How to fully detach and really end it in my head for good?

I feel like I've come such a long way and of course I am proud of myself, but its like I've hit a roadblock right now, the progress has pretty much stopped, but I need to reach my final destination to really put a closure on things. If that makes sense. How to get there? Is it just a factor of time, sitting it out, continuing this way?

Anyone care to share their experience in this?

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm almost 5 months out now after a 4,5 year relationship and I feel like the worst is behind me. The first few months were TERRIBLE, I was a mess, depressed at home, on anti-depressives, not social, really feeling like going insane.

A month or 1,5 ago I picked myself up and slowly started to work on all sorts of aspects of my life. Driving a car again, going to work again, working out 4 to 5 times a week at the gym, meeting friends and making new friends, going out, dating (which didn't work out - too soon) and also enjoying being alone.

I feel like I've come a long way. I'm working full-time again now and enjoy the increased social circle I'm in now. I also get a lot of compliments and attention from the other sex, which doesn't hurt. I had a small setback last week however, which I reported here. My ex started to contact me again through text, and while she never spelled out literally that she wanted a recycle, it was strange and probably at a time where the relationship with the replacement wasn't working out that well. Since the end of last week however, she has gone NC on me again, thank god, and she seems to express her love for the replacement once more on Facebook.

This is all good, although I feel like I am ready for the next phase of detaching but I can't seem to get there. While I don't think about her as much as in the first few months, she still occupies space in my mind for multiple times a day. I still catch myself often thinking 'if only I could have done this together with her', or idealising the good times we had and remembering them fondly, instead of focussing on the bad times.

So my question in all of this, I guess, is how to get rid of those last lingering thoughts about her? How to fully detach and really end it in my head for good?

I feel like I've come such a long way and of course I am proud of myself, but its like I've hit a roadblock right now, the progress has pretty much stopped, but I need to reach my final destination to really put a closure on things. If that makes sense. How to get there? Is it just a factor of time, sitting it out, continuing this way?

Anyone care to share their experience in this?

[Recooperating]

Hi CTF!

So good to hear you're doing better!

I know exactly what you mean... .I too am kinda "stuck" in this phase.

Its an upward spiral for me, I still go through the stages of grief yet for a shirter period of time. The acceptance/indifference/detachment isnt quite there yet although I am absolute sure I'd never go back. I still go through hurt and anger, but its not as intens as it used to be and it passes quicker.

I too wanna be done with it, move on already, but it just doesnt work like that I guess. It will take time and I am just gonna have to surrender to it... .I have been working on me a lot, did an intensive autonomy group therapy which was awesome and still working on getting rid of the stress and anxiety in my body... .I am positive about my future although circumstances are not ideal at the moment... .It will all be just fine... .In time... .I guess thats what it will take... .Time and staying focussed on me and my health and happiness... .

Its really good to hear you're on the right track CTF! Best of luck to you!

[CloseToFreedom]

Yeah, I guess time is the only thing that will truly help. I'm just so sick of it by now, you know? But I guess that is a good thing as well: being sick of grieving means I'm nearly done with it.

I guess its also a part of me that wants to be loved and love; to share life with. I am happy that I haven't gone straight to a new relationship like my ex did; gave me time to get to know myself and also to know what I look for in a potential partner. But I do not want to end up all alone eventually. Just thinking about getting to know someone again and doing all that dating, sleeping over, and after a few years living together, exhausts me. I guess that's the loss I feel the most, that I had a good thing going on (well, in theory - in practice it was hell), and I have to start over all again.

And thank you for the kind words   Hope you're getting there too! Sounds like you are!

[CloseToFreedom]

Just had a brutal workout at the gym, going 5 times a week and not getting tired of it! Feeling better and more focused already. Guess that's how you do it!

[Lucky Jim]

she still occupies space in my mind for multiple times a day. I still catch myself often thinking 'if only I could have done this together with her', or idealising the good times we had and remembering them fondly, instead of focussing on the bad times.

Hey CTF, I doubt you could have done anything differently that would have changed the outcome, sad to say.  Except in rare instances, a r/s with a pwBPD is not built to last, in my view.  If I can use an analogy, it's like the straw that broke the camel's back.  It's pointless to obsess about which particular straw caused the camel to collapse because if one straw doesn't do it, another will, which is more or less how a BPD r/s develops over time.  The straws build up and eventually it's too much for any camel (even a strong camel, which I was once).

LuckyJim

[MincedGarlic]

HI CTF,

What was the turning point for you where you were able to put yourself first? You mention that you started doing things for yourself but was there something that triggered this for you? Looking for answers too.

Great to hear that people are eventually able to move on.

[ZeusRLX]

So my question in all of this, I guess, is how to get rid of those last lingering thoughts about her? How to fully detach and really end it in my head for good?

I feel like I've come such a long way and of course I am proud of myself, but its like I've hit a roadblock right now, the progress has pretty much stopped, but I need to reach my final destination to really put a closure on things. If that makes sense. How to get there? Is it just a factor of time, sitting it out, continuing this way?

Anyone care to share their experience in this?

Yeah, time is a big factor. My first time it took YEARS to get over it... .it was a whiiiile.

She was like a dream, better than any movie. It was the perfect fantasy.

Playing it back in my head, I am still in love with that fantasy.

Call me sick, but those were some pretty magical moments with my first BPD. What made them special was also the fact that I didn't suspect anything yet, I thought they were real!

So I don't blame you for idealizing it or remembering it fondly.

But what I realized after some time went by was... .I was in love with a FANTASY... .it was NOT real. It was a fantasy that her diseased mind conjured and I fell in love with.

Once I realized that it was like a mirage at a desert that disappeared, it was easier to let it go. But it took a long time to realize that.

With every subsequent BPD relationship, disattachment was easier, less painful. Once things start going South and I realize that my journey at the Land of Oz is taking a turn for the worse, I fold the cards. Or she does.

The worst thing that could happen is being married to one or having a child with one... .I have known a few who did that, I am SOO lucky that never happened to me.

But mine tried to pull me back in a few times, which I didn't allow her to do... .

So basically, my formula was time and realizing that my ideal relationship was the fantasy of a personality disorder and it is in my absolute best interest to cut off all contact and stay the hell away from that person for the rest of my life. Hope this helps!

[Loveofhislife]

Huge congrats, CTF. I agree with Zeus about falling in love with a fantasy. I know my exbfBPD was always morphing and changing to be my "perfect" boyfriend--always he was identifying and exploiting my "needs"--even trying to create needs in me that didn't exist. Blim Blam writes a lot here about archetypes--interesting stuff. I say my exbfBPD was my "shadow." He was ever present and always available to my Lonely Child until he wasn't. He abruptly and cruelly abandoned me with no warning. That is PART of what has taken so long (nearly 10 months) to get over. He identified and exploited a weakness in my programming (he is a highly paid application developer.) The key for me has been to re-parent and become my own best companion to that Lonely Child so it doesn't happen again. It's been a tough road and a long recovery, but I must put me first: the very opposite to how I was raised in my family of origin.

[CloseToFreedom]

Wow thanks for the feedback guys! I'll try to reply to you all.

Hey CTF, I doubt you could have done anything differently that would have changed the outcome, sad to say.  Except in rare instances, a r/s with a pwBPD is not built to last, in my view.  If I can use an analogy, it's like the straw that broke the camel's back.  It's pointless to obsess about which particular straw caused the camel to collapse because if one straw doesn't do it, another will, which is more or less how a BPD r/s develops over time.  The straws build up and eventually it's too much for any camel (even a strong camel, which I was once).

LuckyJim

Yeah, I have to keep that in mind. Of course I don't know for sure if my ex has BPD, but all signs point towards it. The fact that I often thought I was the one with BPD is a sign as well, haha. I often forget that it doesn't matter what I've done, it would still end up in a disaster. It ended up in a disaster for 10 times already.

It's like I was living the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result.

HI CTF,

What was the turning point for you where you were able to put yourself first? You mention that you started doing things for yourself but was there something that triggered this for you? Looking for answers too.

Great to hear that people are eventually able to move on.

The turning point... .hard to pinpoint. I guess in the last year of our relationship? We started living together and after a while I was just sick of living for her while my life felt like it had come to an halt. I started doing my best at work (and getting a promotion) and going to the gym often. I started living for me. I guess that truly made her mad.

After the relationship, the first few months I could only be sad and often be alone. I would go out and hang out with friends but it would give me no joy. I guess I started enjoying my own life after a few months, when I was so sick of grieving the relationship. I thought about everything regarding the relationship that I could think of, and there was nothing left but to just live life. I guess what also triggered me in feeling good, is that I got validation from others that I was worth hanging out with. I went out in different places, made new friends, girls flirted with me... .it gave me self esteem, like I learned that I wasn't this monster my ex made me out to be.

Yeah, time is a big factor. My first time it took YEARS to get over it... .it was a whiiiile.

She was like a dream, better than any movie. It was the perfect fantasy.

Playing it back in my head, I am still in love with that fantasy.

Call me sick, but those were some pretty magical moments with my first BPD. What made them special was also the fact that I didn't suspect anything yet, I thought they were real!

So I don't blame you for idealizing it or remembering it fondly.

But what I realized after some time went by was... .I was in love with a FANTASY... .it was NOT real. It was a fantasy that her diseased mind conjured and I fell in love with.

Once I realized that it was like a mirage at a desert that disappeared, it was easier to let it go. But it took a long time to realize that.

With every subsequent BPD relationship, disattachment was easier, less painful. Once things start going South and I realize that my journey at the Land of Oz is taking a turn for the worse, I fold the cards. Or she does.

The worst thing that could happen is being married to one or having a child with one... .I have known a few who did that, I am SOO lucky that never happened to me.

But mine tried to pull me back in a few times, which I didn't allow her to do... .

So basically, my formula was time and realizing that my ideal relationship was the fantasy of a personality disorder and it is in my absolute best interest to cut off all contact and stay the hell away from that person for the rest of my life. Hope this helps!

Yeah time really helps. And I start to realise more and more that the person I idealized, was a fantasy, a mirror. In the end I was just in love with the idealization she had for me.

Huge congrats, CTF. I agree with Zeus about falling in love with a fantasy. I know my exbfBPD was always morphing and changing to be my "perfect" boyfriend--always he was identifying and exploiting my "needs"--even trying to create needs in me that didn't exist. Blim Blam writes a lot here about archetypes--interesting stuff. I say my exbfBPD was my "shadow." He was ever present and always available to my Lonely Child until he wasn't. He abruptly and cruelly abandoned me with no warning. That is PART of what has taken so long (nearly 10 months) to get over. He identified and exploited a weakness in my programming (he is a highly paid application developer.) The key for me has been to re-parent and become my own best companion to that Lonely Child so it doesn't happen again. It's been a tough road and a long recovery, but I must put me first: the very opposite to how I was raised in my family of origin.

Thank you for the kind words! You are right - as the only child of my parents and growing up pretty isolated from the big world (on a farm), I was a lonely child and I learned to love the lonely child inside me. But when I got a taste of relationships, it was like I needed that to sooth my lonely child. I couldn't do it myself anymore. I guess BPD-persons sniff out those persons and that's when I got into trouble.


-----

Anyway, I already feel better each day, since I haven't had contact since friday with her. Its good it was a short week of contact, not enough time to really get me hooked again. I feel myself recovering fast and enjoying life, enjoying the gym, enjoying work. I feel pretty good. Sometimes still alone, but pretty good.

[goateeki]

I would just be very, very aware of one truth.  If your ex was actually BPD (is BPD), then you were used the way a leech would use you.  Leeches have to live, but I don't feel any kind of warmth toward them. 

People with BPD have evolved in a way different from the way you have.  They know instinctively how to manipulate your emotions to suit their needs.  They don't see you (never did see you) as a person with needs, or with needs that they wished to fill, or any of the good and noble things that people like you and I like about humanity.  People with BPD eat people like you and me the way we would eat a hamburger.  Another comparison: they draw us to them the way a Venus Fly Trap draws insects to it. 

It really is that simple.  I'm out of it now, divorced, living a normal life, happier than I've been in 20 years, and I have no reservations at all about saying such things about the mother of my children.  It's not said with a bit of ire.  It's just fact. 

I hope that this helps move you further away from the person who used you and would've destroyed you if you'd given her the opportunity.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you, yes it helps. Its more and more easier to see it this way and the thoughts of the kind person I once saw her as, become less and less. Its important to keep this in mind.