Advice needed, post MC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Really could use some advice on this.

Me and uBPDw have been to MC now for a number of times. For me it's been good to vent a lot of stuff that I have kept inside for too long. Wife doesn't think it has helped at all as she hasn't seen any improvement. Now she thinks it is up to me to make a decision to make a commitment to the relationship, or to decide to leave. She doesn't want to go to MC anymore, as she's "said all she wanted to say" already.

Any attempts of making her realize that she has a problem with her temper and that she may benefit from IC are shot down as me "making her out to be a monster".

She says she does not understand how anyone could "simply just decide to not love you anymore" and blames me for not making an effort to work on the r/s. Well, it's not so easy for me to simply forget everything that has happened over the years.

Really undecided on how to proceed from here. On one hand I think she is right that at some point I need to make my mind up and take action. On the other hand she does not acknowledge the problems she has caused in the r/s due to her behavior.

She also makes me feel very guilty right now as she claims to have a lot of anxiety due to this, and can't sleep at night etc (welcome to my world the past 5-6 years).

If it weren't for our two kids I would have left a good while ago I think.

[empathic]

Really could use some advice on this.

Me and uBPDw have been to MC now for a number of times. For me it's been good to vent a lot of stuff that I have kept inside for too long. Wife doesn't think it has helped at all as she hasn't seen any improvement. Now she thinks it is up to me to make a decision to make a commitment to the relationship, or to decide to leave. She doesn't want to go to MC anymore, as she's "said all she wanted to say" already.

Any attempts of making her realize that she has a problem with her temper and that she may benefit from IC are shot down as me "making her out to be a monster".

She says she does not understand how anyone could "simply just decide to not love you anymore" and blames me for not making an effort to work on the r/s. Well, it's not so easy for me to simply forget everything that has happened over the years.

Really undecided on how to proceed from here. On one hand I think she is right that at some point I need to make my mind up and take action. On the other hand she does not acknowledge the problems she has caused in the r/s due to her behavior.

She also makes me feel very guilty right now as she claims to have a lot of anxiety due to this, and can't sleep at night etc (welcome to my world the past 5-6 years).

If it weren't for our two kids I would have left a good while ago I think.

[lolli]

Has she made that commitment, or is her decision going to be based on yours?

[empathic]

Has she made that commitment, or is her decision going to be based on yours?

She claims to want to work on the r/s. To me that is more just words than actions though. Even though things are calmer at home now compared to before, it's still pretty far from what I'd consider a loving r/s to be.

She wants me to make the decision. She does not think there is any will from my side, and I guess she's quite right, as things are right now. I have no idea how to start loving someone again, with the history that has been.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic, You describe what I like to call the "paradox of BPD."  Your uBPDw allegedly wants to work on your r/s, yet she has dropped out of MC.  She fears abandonment, yet behaves in ways that drive you away.  She seeks commitment, but is unwilling to commit to anything herself and has delegated the "committing" to you.  Does that about sum it up?  I have been in your shoes, my friend, and understand the challenges you face.  LuckyJim

[empathic]

Hey empathic, You describe what I like to call the "paradox of BPD."  Your uBPDw allegedly wants to work on your r/s, yet she has dropped out of MC.  She fears abandonment, yet behaves in ways that drive you away.  She seeks commitment, but is unwilling to commit to anything herself and has delegated the "committing" to you.  Does that about sum it up?  I have been in your shoes, my friend, and understand the challenges you face.  LuckyJim

Yes, that is an excellent description. I scheduled one last time with the MC by myself to tell my side of the story. Now I wonder if there is any point though, because my wife now says she wants me to move out immediately to "make my mind up" on whether I want to stay or not.

I guess I might end up on the Leaving board soon, I don't have any energy or means to mend this. How would she think things would get better when she's still continuing like before? I don't manage to get through to her that she could benefit from seeing a T. She doesn't think anything is wrong with her.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Yes, that is an excellent description. I scheduled one last time with the MC by myself to tell my side of the story. Now I wonder if there is any point though, because my wife now says she wants me to move out immediately to "make my mind up" on whether I want to stay or not.

This may be some sort of weird BPD test... .Of course she could move out to allow you to make up your mind if she honestly believed that the separation would help you.

I would go to the appointment and talk about switching to IC. 

My uBPDw loves playing the "I think you should leave and find someone who will make you happy" card.  If I ignore her she usually follows with the "Why don't you just find and attorney" card, at which point I play my "if you think someone should consult an attorney I can look some up for you" card... .

[empathic]

Yes, that is an excellent description. I scheduled one last time with the MC by myself to tell my side of the story. Now I wonder if there is any point though, because my wife now says she wants me to move out immediately to "make my mind up" on whether I want to stay or not.

This may be some sort of weird BPD test... .Of course she could move out to allow you to make up your mind if she honestly believed that the separation would help you.

I would go to the appointment and talk about switching to IC. 

My uBPDw loves playing the "I think you should leave and find someone who will make you happy" card.  If I ignore her she usually follows with the "Why don't you just find and attorney" card, at which point I play my "if you think someone should consult an attorney I can look some up for you" card... .

She's dead set against moving out herself. I can't see her doing it. Part of it are financial reasons (she feels that she's entitled to the house, and I can to an extent agree with her on that). Part is that she simply does not have the drive to pull through a thing like that.

I will go to the appointment, but won't continue there after that since I have my own T already.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I will go to the appointment, but won't continue there after that since I have my own T already.

Sounds like a plan... .hope things go well.