What traits drew you in?

[JayApril]

Just something I was wondering, what traits made you like your BPDX in the begining or the relationship? How did you feel once you found out their true nature?

Determined = Lack of focus, No follow through

Caring= lacked major empathy

Fun= Boring & Depressed most of the time (did the same thing everyday).

Selfless= Blindly Selfish

Honest= Liar & Secretive

I felt cheated when I found out who he really was. It was like I did not know him at all since he pretended to be something he was not. I felt lied to, and knew he could never be trusted again ever. I was sick to my stomach almost.

[once removed]

when you say traits, im not sure if you mean diagnostic criteria or not.

two things were the apparent self clarity and also the mirroring of my own ideals and values.

[valet]

I had a ton of unresolved anxieties when I first befriended my ex.

She was very understanding and helped calm me when I would start to have panic attacks, etc.

I think that this is the main reason I grew to love her at first. Those soothing motherly characteristics made me feel like she was often the only person that understood me and valued even my darkest side.

It was all about validation, empathy, and trust. These things, though, were what I placed far too much stock in. They led to a complete enmeshment of my self-worth into her validation of my behavior, which became an extreme codependency issue as time went on.

It was like building a house near a seaside cliff that was slowly being eroded by the tide. The foundation was very strong, but I didn't have the awareness and understanding that the waves would keep on crashing against the shoreline, and the entire structure would one day collapse into the raging body of water below.

[JayApril]

when you say traits, im not sure if you mean diagnostic criteria or not.

two things were the apparent self clarity and also the mirroring of my own ideals and values.

No they do not have to be diagnostic. Just what you noticed from a before and after aspect.

[JayApril]

I had a ton of unresolved anxieties when I first befriended my ex.

She was very understanding and helped calm me when I would start to have panic attacks, etc.

I think that this is the main reason I grew to love her at first. Those soothing motherly characteristics made me feel like she was often the only person that understood me and valued even my darkest side.

It was all about validation, empathy, and trust. These things, though, were what I placed far too much stock in. They led to a complete enmeshment of my self-worth into her validation of my behavior, which became an extreme codependency issue as time went on.

It was like building a house near a seaside cliff that was slowly being eroded by the tide. The foundation was very strong, but I didn't have the awareness and understanding that the waves would keep on crashing against the shoreline, and the entire structure would one day collapse into the raging body of water below.

I love that imagery there . Was your ex like the savior type?

[once removed]

well, id argue the same two perceptions kept me hooked, and a few more that had to do with them. religious ideals, sexual ideals, the soul mate like aspect of the relationship, all part of it. it wasnt so much the traits that changed. seeing her become a different person had a bit to do with it, but i think thats more reflective of what i didnt know than it even is of her. she still has the same traits as she did before i dated her. those traits appeared to change based on how much i bought into the mirror. the mirror changes, the relationship changes.

[Infared]

Just something I was wondering, what traits made you like your BPDX in the begining or the relationship? How did you feel once you found out their true nature?

Determined = Lack of focus, No follow through

Caring= lacked major empathy

Fun= Boring & Depressed most of the time (did the same thing everyday).

Selfless= Blindly Selfish

Honest= Liar & Secretive

I felt cheated when I found out who he really was. It was like I did not know him at all since he pretended to be something he was not. I felt lied to, and knew he could never be trusted again ever. I was sick to my stomach almost.

All of the above... .and... .

I was sick to my stomach... .I wretched over a toilet at times for weeks as the reality set in.  

(I am not joking)

It was like physically withdrawing from a drug addiction.

[Sunfl0wer]

I had a ton of unresolved anxieties when I first befriended my ex.

She was very understanding and helped calm me when I would start to have panic attacks, etc.

I think that this is the main reason I grew to love her at first. Those soothing motherly characteristics made me feel like she was often the only person that understood me and valued even my darkest side.

It was all about validation, empathy, and trust. These things, though, were what I placed far too much stock in. They led to a complete enmeshment of my self-worth into her validation of my behavior, which became an extreme codependency issue as time went on.

It was like building a house near a seaside cliff that was slowly being eroded by the tide. The foundation was very strong, but I didn't have the awareness and understanding that the waves would keep on crashing against the shoreline, and the entire structure would one day collapse into the raging body of water below.

I relate to Valet's experience.  I'm glad you shared this, as I forgot about it in my situation.  With my PTSD, I have some quirks when first dating. (They fade as my trust increases). He was amazing at dealing with my quirks, he didn't even need to consciously analyze what he was doing, it seemed magical that he just automatically was able to adjust to my issues.  I didn't feel like a burden about it al all.  If you asked him about it and how he knew what to do that was not triggering to me, he literally did not know he was doing anything.  He was not aware that he was making adjustments based on my anxiety... .it was clear to me that he was doing this... .as I was observing it all through hypervigilant eyes... .he was not at all conscious of it.

This "magical" behavior of subconsciously meeting my PTSD needs... .  Was him being a chameleon.  being a chameleon was a huge assets during dating... .NOT a huge asset for long term success... .NOT when he subconsciously did this for his ex wife too!  That was one of our biggest ongoing conflicts.